Rinse. Spit. Feel Pretty.

i'm alive. hah.

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 19:16:22 GMT

wow. do i have a lot to say or what?! excuse my venting...

it's been a pretty crazy past two weeks or so. me and jimmy are DONE- and all i have to say is thank god. yes, i was upset at first, but that was for other reasons besides "losing him". he was not something positive and i am dissapointed that i let him have such a big part of my life. he was nice and wondeful at first, so i was fooled. the truth is that he is NOT a good person. not only that, but he's 17 with the maturity level of a 12 year old. what was i thinking? there's so many more extreme differences that i should have seen in the beginning, but i was blinded by wanting something special.

but what me and jimmy had was far from special. it was more like a curse. i should say that i wish i never met him, but that would be a lie. because of him, i made so many great friends who would do anything for me. they dont let anyone treat me how jimmy treated me, including jimmy himself. that's why his window is shattered. haha. i thought i loved him, but all along i knew i was lying to myself. i wanted to love him so badly (because he said he loved me), that i tried to force myself.

i was stupid. i know what love is. i've been in love. what jimmy felt for me was nothing close to love, and what i felt for jimmy was not love... maybe forced infatuation, but not love. love is pure. if you love someone, you dont hurt them physically, emotionally, or verbally. all of those were violated.

during that time, i was treated like a dog, and i took it. i tried to stand up for myself, but jimmy shot me down and made me think i did something wrong. now i (along with everyone else) realize, i did nothing. nothing is my fault, and i was a wonderful girlfriend. everyone makes mistakes, but for the most part, i was great. he, on the other hand, doesnt know right from wrong. how to treat someone and how not to treat someone. what to say and what not to say. what to do and what not to do.

i was looking for something that he wasnt. i've been in a two year relationship and i know what that's like. i was looking for love, for long term, for something special. and jimmy, with his maturity level, doesnt know the meaning of any of those. he has a different girlfriend every month, and i didn't know this until it was too late. he made it seem like he wanted what i did, but when it comes down to it, he didnt. he just wanted me for a month or two and then wanted to move on. i didn't want a middle school relationship. im not in middle school. hell! im not in highschool. but that sure is what he wanted, and i was trapped.

well, it's all over now. i will never care for him like i did before, because i see who he is. ive been hurt terribly before... but never like this. this was the climax of everything, and thankfully i learned some things.

all i wanted to do was hit him. just once. i wanted him to feel a fraction of the pain that i felt emotionally. but, it's over. i'm moving on. i will find someone that means something. i will find love, and laugh in jimmy's face. but until then, i will not trust. i trusted jimmy, and this was the worst. my trust is held back until that day.

So I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fucking fate
What did you take me for, a fool?
Or were you just too blind to see
That every effort made has failed
And there is no destroying me?
-Atreyu

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 17:43:45 GMT

Drink up, girls!

That would be me

Cute boyzz!

Me and my exboy <3

My bestest friend in the whole world! <3

Richard being CRAZY!

Allyse being CRAZY! sorry Matty! <3

Me and Sabby could totally bein the Matrix

So could me and Britt... haha

"UH OH! Allyse has holes in her jeans!"

Me and Britany! <3

I'll never let go, Sabby <3

WOOP WOOP

They can fly!

dooooooooo iiiiiiiitttt

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 15:12:02 GMT

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

GLOW STICKS!

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 14:14:02 GMT

It was a good night. Thanks to all who contributed.

But, I could use some more jello... and glow sticks! <3

with somethin to lose.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 23:58:00 GMT

I'm so scared. I can't even begin to describe this feeling.

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you.

The kiss goodbye

Fri, 20 May 2005 17:19:41 GMT

Graduation is finally here. Can you believe it?

It's finally hitting me, and I'm not so fond of it.

But thank you to everyone. Really. There have been some ups and downs for everyone this year, but I couldn't have done it without every single one of you. I'm really gonna miss you guys. See you in 2015.

Thank you for making the year 2005 something to remember. <3

CLASS OF '05!!!

Just a little "FYI"...

Sat, 07 May 2005 04:04:04 GMT

I am obsessed with Kelly Clarkson.

I find her amazing, and I would give anything in the world to meet her. Literally.

Mon, 02 May 2005 14:11:56 GMT

I feel like I'm literally just floating through life right now.

Is that wierd?

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:28:08 GMT

Dear Entity,

I don't understand. You know what it would take to give me happiness. It is such a simple thing, yet is constantly unobtainable for me. In all humility, it should not be so difficult for a person like me to conquer. By providing the exact opposite, you are solely distancing yourself from me through every time the sadness appears. I refuse to be close to you if this is how it is going to be. I could respect you and love you so dearly if you would provide just a simple ounce of happiness for me. But as long as this depression reigns, I will remove you farther and farther from my mind.

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 02:49:57 GMT

Well... I've discovered that 'myspace' is the new livejournal. If only I knew how to use it.

For the first time in a while...

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 05:53:24 GMT

It was a good day. I spent some time with my cousin and visited my grandparents. I felt accomplished...

Then I saw a person who had disappeared for about 8 months... JON DAVIS! Be jealous. We went to Chili's to get some quessadillas, and I met the girlfriend- very nice girl. I enojoyed it. <3

Finally, I went to some party, and no I did not get drunk... even a little. My mother would be proud. haha. I hung out with my new friends, including Clark for a little bit. I'm also proud of myself in that situation, I feel very mature. =)

That was my day. I am done bragging.

<3

Bite me, valentine.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:51:50 GMT

I hate this holiday.

It's created to make the lonely people, like myself, more depressed. Awesome.

Someone change my mind?

Such a dilema...

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 22:01:43 GMT

Okay-

Who wants to go to 'My Chemical Romance' and 'The Used' with me?! I have $100 gift certificate to get tickets, and I FUCKING WANT TO GO!.

Someone join me? I'll pay?

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 19:24:09 GMT

Wanna make me happy? THEN DO THIS!! =)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Have you ever had a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain it.
7. Describe me in 1 word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When was the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this in your lj and see what I say about you?
16. What song are you listening to right now? If none at all then shame on you. What is the first band that comes to mind?

What it is!

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 04:28:57 GMT

I went up to Orlando for a few days. I very much enjoyed myself... and Sam <3.

So far, my "not giving a shit" attitude is working for me. People try to pull me down and I just focus on other, good things. It really works, try it!

I downloaded my first ringtone on my cell phone today. It was exciting. hah- I'm such a nerd! =)

"friends"

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 22:33:54 GMT

Today I got an award/ letter in my 2nd hour. Evidentally, a counselor at BH recommended me for this American Scholars Award for academic excellence. I was very excited and proud of myself. I've never really gotten anything like that before, and I naively expected some congratulations once I informed others.

I recieved the opposite. The response from my friends was "what is that? why didnt I get it? It's not just for smart people. I probly didnt get it cuz I havent gone to this school long enough." Well, considering that I transfered in the middle of last year, and very few people received it, I still feel smart. Stupid selfish people.

It just upset me. I need to get the hell out of this place and away from these people.

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 04:58:27 GMT

I don't understand. Why am I always so attracted to the assholes?

The nice guys never truly appeal to me... no matter how hard I try.

Someone please explain.

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 06:34:33 GMT

I got my nose pierced.

It's hott. <3

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 02:40:53 GMT

Highlights of 2004:

**January
- 21- New Best friend: Jeannette <3
- Jeannette's party- Dancing on Tables!

**February
-11- New boyfriend: Clinton
- The 4 of us. =)

**March
- New good friend- Tara

**April
- bridge: Jon, Tara, Sam, Brad: good times.

**May
- Party with Bill <3 "Holy f***in sh*t. Holy f***in sh*t"

**June
- Clinton... again
- "new level of like"

**July
- 4th of July --> unforgettable.
- good friends with Jon =)

**August
- Allyse and Jeannette double team- once again proving nothing gets past us

**September
- My PARTAY! fun night =)
- Kristen's house- got Zach T "addicted" haha.

**October --> CRAZY
- Homecoming:
making out with 1)Ken 2)Zach Tappley 3)Gavin
drama drama drama
me and Gavin. Done.
- Jesus' house... ;)
- Stephen's party at dorm<3
- My PARTAY! #2

**November
- Clinton... again x 2
- New job -> Oakley

**December
- Stupid TJ. Mistake.
- Receiving numerous drunken and random phone calls. =)

**NEW YEARS EVE!!**
- Andy's!
- keg stand
- Nathan
- crying while bitching boys out.
- Gavin

It's a new year. You can do whatever you want and be whoever you want. Take advantage of it.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 19:40:01 GMT

So for New Years, I decided to make some resolutions:

1. Make this the best damn year ever and just have fun. Just be carefree and... chill- not letting anything get to me.

2. No close friends. Just have a lot of friends. Besides for maybe Tara and a few other exceptions. =)

3. Stop drinking soda. It makes you fat and gross.

Anyone up for keeping me accountable?! <3

Another time-consumer

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 18:55:33 GMT

..............WHAT..............
[x] Your most missed memory: Watching Aladdin on the couch with Jake once a week. =(

................DO YOU.....................
[x] Curse: yes
[x] Have any crushes?: if you wanna call it that.
[x] Who are they: ass holes
[x] Want to go to college: yes sir.
[x] Want to get married: doesnt every girl?
[x] Type w/ your fingers on the right keys?: of course not, but my way works too!
[x] Believe in yourself: Seldom
[x] Get motion sickness: I don't believe so

..............IN THE PAST MONTH DID / HAVE YOU..................
[x] Gone to the mall: I live there. Fucking Oakley.
[x] Eaten sushi: yes, and almost puked.
[x] Been on stage: No. =(
[x] Been dumped: If you want to call it that.
[x] Made homemade cookies: yes- for Mia and Andy!

...............HAVE YOU EVER........................
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: If I got the same vibe
[x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: That's a bit creepy
[x] Had crush on a teacher?: I only like blondes, and I rarely see blonde teachers.
[x] Been caught "doing something": Probably.
[x] Been called a tease: Yes, but only by someone I didn't like. **cough cough GAVIN cough cough**

.......................FAVORITES..................
[x] Shampoo: Pantene or Fructise (sp?)
[x] Color(s): pink.
[x] Day/Night: Night. That's when everything goes down... =)
[x] Summer/Winter: Probably summer -> no school
[x] Lace or Satin: Neither.
[x] Fave Cartoon: Character: Dexter.
[x] Fave Movies: Romeo and Juliet (Leonardo DiCaprio version)

.....................RIGHT NOW................................
[x] Right Now Wearing: jeans, white t-shirt, sweatshirt, sandals.
[x] Thinking about: how I am only attracted to ass-holes, and how I deeply wish that would change
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: probly Britany.. she's a lot like me, but voices what she's thinking more than I do.
[x] Are you close to any family member?: My cousin Chelsea.

..................WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON..............
[x] You touched: Max
[x} You talked to: Stephen <3
[x] You instant messeged: Megan!!
[x] You laughed with: Max and Tommy

.......................END............................

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 19:14:13 GMT

Yesterday was a really good day for me. I came home from an okay day at school, and I got to hang out with... Tara!!! That was the best few hours I have had in a while. I miss you, Tart. <3

Then, I saw wonderful Sarah!!! I miss her sooooo much too. We got to talk and catch up on a few things as well. That was nice.

I'm beginning to find out who my true friends are, and I really miss the following:

*Tara
*Sarah
*Stephen
*Jon
*Mia
*a few more that I'm probably forgetting

Thanks to all who brightened my day <3

Would your mom kill me...?

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 00:28:42 GMT

I gave a boy my phone number tonight.

Happiness. =)

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 23:18:58 GMT

Yea. So Nathan Lyons conned me into buying $92 jeans at Lucky.

But I like them a lot, and my grandma gave me $175 to spend. Plus, he gave me 10% off! =)

I love Mia. She is Amaxing.

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 19:43:10 GMT

*Mia*- So how are the boys for you?

*Allyse*- Oh my gosh. I saw the hottest guy at the mall. He fit my exact ideal guy. Gorgeous, blonde, perfect style, perfect height...

*Boy that makes me very angry*- Gosh Allyse, SHUT UP! [serious tone]

Jealous much? hah- kiss my ass, buddy

Oh how I love days like these. =)