yes it's ridiculously early in the morning.

Well its not like i could sleep. Today and the last couple of days have been a bit of a strain.
My nanny (the one who can't breath) now really really can't breath as her hernia has expanded and so not only can she not breath but it also hurts her if you touch her - even really gently.
Im going down tomorrow. My mum went down on wednesday as she always does but nanny was so bad and grandad was so worried that they called the doctor out and mum stayed down there for the night. the next day (thursday) she was even worse so they called an ambulance to take her to hospital. they rang at 9 in the morning she got seein to at the hospital at 3. all they could do was give her stronger drugs so she's just out of it on morphine. but she doesn't like hospitals so they said since they couldn't do anything she could go home. Except there were no longer any ambulances. so they took a cab - bare in mind my nan can barely sit up let alone walk. then when they got home they didn't have paramedics to help so my 76yrold grandad who is weak anyway andhas a heart condition and my mother who has a giant hernia of her own, lifted my 14stone nanny up the stairs.and then dropped her on the top step. where she lay for about an hour trying to calm down from the shock. she then got herself into a wheelchair - lord knows how - and promply fell asleep for an hour. then finally tried to get into bed. so having left the hospital at 6 she was finally tucked up in her own bed at 12, midnight. so that's when my mum started home.

i wake up at 1 purely by chance and hear my mum is back cause i can hear her banging around down stairs. so i go down to talk to her - which she obviously really needed as we sat there until now. she had 4 glasses of whiskey, i really don't think that she can handle this pressure.

So we're talking about a hospice for nanny really. cause although i know she wants to go through the final stage at home i honestly don't think that grandad can manage.he has sundowning so when he's tired he gets confused very easily and she doesn't have the breath to explain what she needs and then he blames himself for not being able to help her and gets depressed. i don't know what he's going to do when she goes. they haven't been apart for a single night in over 30yrs now. this is eating him and i'm more worried about him than nanny. in fact it's probably bad of me but i'm concerned for grandad then my mother and then nanny. nanny is going to die soon and there's nothing we can do about that but hope that we can make it a bit more comfortable ... but grandad and mummy have to watch her die - i think that is much worse than dying. also grandad is getting so confused i dont think he's thinking about himself at all. mum said that he forgot to eat yesturday until 4 when she asked him if he'd had something.

Still we do what we can. I hope she holds on until Rosie is home.
I probably won't be around much the next couple of weeks.


Other stuff that's going on:
>Got my St Georges Freshers Fortnight pack - all looks very exciting - i'm definatly more excited than scared now.
>Jeff is a bastard and i have a feeling that he won't be speaking to me any time soon as i may have called him something a bit nasty.
>Rosie is flying back soon - she's booked a plane ticket from Bejing so she just has to get to Bejing from Ulambatar.
>Hattie leaves tomorrow for her exciting adventure into the land of anime - i don't know why but the only image of japan that comes to my head is a cartoon one of tokyo tower, anyway i hope she has fun.


yup so i'll see you all at some point but i'll probably be in worthing for the majority of the time now.