Taking it back

my motivation

2006-03-14T20:40:28Z

Of course I have the usual motivation:

1)wanting to be able to wear pretty much whatever I want

2)study fashion and feel like I could wear the stuff I design (rather than just size 0's, 2's and 4's)

3)feeling like i can sit in a chair without my stomache bulging out

4)fear of looking preggers when i'm not

5)i can dance at clubs and not feel like the fat girl on the dance floor

but there's a new motivation...and sad to say, but it's a boy.

this boy is pretty freaking tall and thin. and i'm short and stumpy. but i'm finding there are a lot of celebs who are my height, but look way taller, and it's pretty much because of their lean bodies...creates that nice illusion. i'm sick of being short and stumpy, i want that illusion too. and i hate falling for the skinny boys, because most of the time, they end up with skinny girls =/

needless to say, i'm off to the gym.

on a high note, i finally weighed myself and thought i was up to 145 again since i slipped up so much...but i'm actually at 138. so i only went up 5 pounds. i want to be 130 by april 1st, and i figure if i lose a lot of water weight, it's doable. oh, but to be in the 120's would be fabulous. one step at a time though, i don't want to get my little hopes up.

I'm back

2006-03-12T22:51:51Z

So after all of that work drama, I of course became really stressed, which caused me to eat. A lot. So I gained back a couple pounds. Which freaked me out into depression (the OMG, I'M SUCH A FAILURE kind), which in turn caused me to eat more, setting me back even more.

I haven't weighed myself in perhaps 3 weeks. I have no idea where I am, and I'm scared to find out. But I'm back to restricting and back to the gym (I was also unmotivated to go to the gym during this period of time, so not only was I being a heffer, but I was being a slug as well).

Yesterday I went to the gym for a little over an hour and did half an hour of elliptical, 20 minutes of cycling, and 10 minutes of speed walking. Then I came home and did this ab workout video (it's hilarious because it's probably from the 80's, so the instructor and his minions are decked out in the crazy spandex, mullets, and other big hair, but it must be effective since my abs hurt today).

Another ab workout that's easy to do while you're on the computer is sitting at the edge of your seat and leaning back, but not far back enough to where your back touches the backrest of your chair. You hold that for a minute and it makes your abs work to support you as you balance.

Anyway, my goal is to not get down when I slip up, and keep others motivated when they slip up, because I know what it's like to feel like a failure and totally binge and be even worse off than I would have been if I just calmed down and got back to the grind. So you can do it, and keep up the good work!

_willsoweak @ 2006-02-16T00:19:00

2006-02-16T08:23:23Z

I've been under tremendous stress...5 of my friends at work got fired, and it's taking every bit of self control to not walk out and leave with them. I would, but it would leave the rest of my staff (who I love dearly) under even more stress than they have now, so I'm sticking it out. But I'm telling ya, if shit gets worse, I'M OUT!

I have been stress eating, so I've been afraid to weigh myself, but I've still managed to keep it under 1000, so that's better than going on a full out binge of 1500 cals like I usually would. And my collar bones are becoming way prominent, so I'm seeing a huge difference...the scale may not show it, but I can feel it, and that's what really matters in the end.

My arms, stomach, and thighs are still helluv humongous though =/

They're slowly going to shrink away though, dammit!