Ok, so here's the part where I inhale, exhale slowly, type write paraphrase, enter period should I delete that? no...
he means so much to me, and his words have so much power that it's frightening. and yet he says I'm resilient? when I talk to everyone about him, when everything reminds me of him, where is the resiliency in that? so we decided to sit and wait and avoid and ignore and do all of this and maybe it will sting less,
and I can get to the point where I say, Hey, he has another girlfriend or whatever and I can sit back and be perfectly fine with that...
and then people lack so much sincerity, including me I know, but seriously. Honesty, please, so maybe you don't want to hang out with me or go out with me or love me or kill me but tell me, just say it because at this point I can't see any further then my own hand in front of me, my life being clogged up with shit and stupid, petty, incredibly human problems.
just be honest to me please, cut me cleanly if you must, vague "clarifications" and "settlements" will do no one any good unless there was like this mutual disgust in the first place.
why the fuck am I so stupid?
and he told me he would have never fallen in love with me if he knew how I really was, so spiteful.
I'm trying to get through this just like you are.

and all the shit that's raining, falling, collects on my back and it's pretty fucking heavy.

...
I got a job today and on the ride home, on the bus, there was a little boy. He called me his pretty pretty princess and he said I was his girlfriend, and he asked his mom if I could come and see their house. He gave me 50 cents in imaginary money and I really do wish that one day I'll see him on the bus again so I can pay him back.

the human race has a pretty big fucking problem with being unpredictable. maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character but either way, if I seem like I'm being paranoid lately, it's because I am.
paranoia and insecurity are pretty much the best defense mechanisms against unpredictable human beings, so I might as well prepare myself for being stomped on, ignored, dropped, or shot in the head.

Let me think the worse of you, please, because that's the only way it will be over!



whoever is reading this, I'll never stab you in the back. never.