she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

_venus_ @ 2008-09-05T21:51:00

2008-09-06T01:54:33Z

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME BACK?!

why don't you stay? :(

2008-08-10T09:21:10Z

When I met Mario, I told myself -- this is worth it. Whatever happens, tis better to have loved and lost.

I am 23 and should still be that naive but instead I'm jaded. I'm jaded by a man who swore he'd make an exception for me. ("Don't," I told him, months ago. "Don't do anything for me.") I am instead falling apart for someone who cant't love me like that.

"Don't you love me?" I asked, because I am stupid and vulnerable. (I was so careful at the bar not to say anything -- no matter what happened, if I said nothing I had the upper hand and could address it tomorrow, but when I got in the car I lose control.)

"Jessica, you know I'm gay," he said. "How did you think this would go?"

"It doesn't matter. You'll never hurt me as much as he did," I lied.

He will. He already has. But he could kill me before he'd ever have the satisfaction of knowing that.

I HOPE KARMA KICKS YOUR ASS.

2008-08-08T04:25:39Z

HI I HATE YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH, AND I WILL NEVER EVER WISH YOU WELL BECAUSE I HAD JUST FUCKING RECOVERED FROM A FUCKING BROKEN HEART WHEN YOU SPLIT ME WIDE OPEN.

AND I'M NOT SORRY FOR ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON BECAUSE YOU PULLED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME AND EXPECTED ME NOT TO REACT, AND I HATE YOU FOR THAT.

I AM TOO FUCKING JADED TO SAY IT'S FOR THE BEST OR THINGS WILL WORK OUT OR ANYTHING BESIDES FUCK YOU VERY MUCH I HOPE YOU ARE ETERNALLY MISERABLE BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON AND YOU KNEW THAT FROM THE START.

Voice Post: Jess and Ashley do Tallahassee, part 1.

2008-03-27T01:17:22Z

you have stolen my heart

2008-03-15T19:04:48Z

I don't feel broken.

I feel annihilated.

_venus_ @ 2007-11-05T20:07:00

2007-11-06T01:07:40Z

You're barely waking, and I'm tangled up in you.

_venus_ @ 2007-10-22T13:28:00

2007-10-22T17:28:43Z

Well, this entire week has been one big relapse.

_venus_ @ 2007-10-08T19:25:00

2007-10-08T23:32:27Z

Do you ever feel like the fates are just fucking with you?

_venus_ @ 2007-10-04T01:09:00

2007-10-04T05:10:26Z

Double-posting, but, random question:

How do you greet your friends?

It's come to my attention that I greet different groups of people differently, and that they greet each other different.

If I'm greeting straight guy friends, I usually give them a hug or a wave.
Straight girl friends, a hug. (Unless they're Hispanic, in which case a kiss on the cheek.)
Gay guys, a kiss on the cheek.
Gay girls, a kiss on the cheek or a hug.

What do you do?

this and that

2007-10-04T04:57:30Z

I'm actually kind of nervous about moving out of state. It's completely stupid -- I've lived out of state before, far further, in Florida, and even out of country. But those times were temporary. This is just ... moving. Even so, it's stupid to be worrying so much. It's an hour away, and I'm there all the time. I practically live there. This is just a matter of convenience.

Nonetheless, the idea of actually severing myself from Maryland, giving up my driver's license and tags and what not ... is intimidating. I think it's more what it represents -- growing up. Because that's the idea, isn't it? You get an apartment, you move out, and then you don't move back home. It's not like you get your place and then later you move back in with your parents like is often the case with college.

But at the same time, I'm excited. If all goes well (knock wood!) we should sign a lease this weekend.

Also, I really want to go to Massachusetts soon and chill and see family. But, we'll see. No one wants to go, and I don't really feel like shelling out for hotels now (family is old and sick, can't stay with them) and not hanging out with people my age.

... any of my MA flist want to kick it?

_venus_ @ 2007-09-27T20:11:00

2007-09-28T00:11:52Z

I do not really foresee this night going very well.

so upset

2007-09-18T19:37:04Z

After years in the court system, a ton of appeals, and all the lower courts ruling that marriage equality was the only acceptable thing ... the Maryland high court ruled today that Maryland would not be granting marriage equality, because though it would violate rights to look into whether or not people chose to procreate, gay couples did not even have that ability.

And just twenty-four hours after Arnold Schwarznegger said he would once again veto California's gay marriage bill, which passed all by itself through the legislature.

I am so, so disappointed right now.

this still breaks me (6 years later)

2007-09-10T22:51:32Z

The little girl in this song must be like nine or ten by now.

They lit up the Pentagon where the plane hit. I had never seen it before. I rarely traveled to Virginia before. It was blue and bright and sad.

I remember on the 10th, I finished the diary I had in Germany. It was the last page, and I was having one of those days, and the focus on my entry was something needs to change in my life because if I don't have a distraction soon, I will fall apart.

Where were you on 9/11?

i want to save you [but i don't know how]

2007-08-07T02:06:52Z

And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

conversations + a poll

2007-08-01T03:09:43Z

PART 1:
My sister, Katie, and I were discussing outfits for the 70's party and my mom was consulting.

KATIE: What about this?
MOM: No, those colors aren't really right.
ME: It doesn't really matter. It's a bunch of gay guys. They won't be trying to like, get with you.
MOM: Katie, I'd be more worried about what I was wearing at a party with a bunch of gay guys! They'll know if you look bad!

PART 2:
A poll, because I've had many a discussion with friends about how queerness seems to run in families.

View Poll: #1031339

that's not how this works

2007-07-25T17:16:42Z

There is a limit to the number of people who are allowed to be in love with me at one time, and you're exceeding it.

the randomness that is my life

2007-07-11T00:22:18Z

Not for any real purpose, just two conversations I wanted to record because I was amused.

CONVO A:

ME: My ex-boyfriend used to hit me. I don't need that shit.
CHRISTIAN: Good. You need a guy like me.
ME: A gay guy?
CHRISTIAN: Yeah.
ME: Then I'd never get laid!
CHRISTIAN: But I'd never cheat on you with another girl!

CONVO B:

CHRISSY: You meet everyone on the Internet! Are any of them hot?
ME: Oh, totally.
CHRISSY: Like?
ME: Well jameserin is hot! I'd fuck her.
CHRISSY: Why haven't you?
ME: Um, she lives in like, Ohio, for starters.
CHRISSY: What part of Ohio?
ME: Toledo, I think.
CHRISSY: I'm surprised you haven't come up with some excuse for something you just MUST see in Toledo.
ME: What the fuck? Have you ever known me to drive to another state for a booty call?
CHRISSY: No. That's why I'm trying to help you along by coming up with an excuse for something else you need to do in the area.

(Sorry, jameserin! I swear if you weren't so hot you wouldn't just work yourself into my conversations. ;)

can't stop crying

2007-07-02T01:25:58Z

I thought I had - was getting - my life together.

But I think maybe this is just the space where I'm falling apart.

we're always changing

2007-06-29T20:00:47Z

You know what I really tend to have no sympathy for?

People who bitch and moan about how they don't like their life but make no effort to change it.

For God's sake, take a risk. Even if it's terrible, you'll come out wiser and you probably won't regret it. Sitting on your ass complaining about how you wish you could do this or that ... Jesus. Just take the leap.

_venus_ @ 2007-05-30T19:42:00

2007-05-30T23:42:49Z

Ask me again why I could never love you.

we're one but we're not the same

2007-05-27T05:24:59Z

So, I had school and I didn't get to do this, but a bunch of my lovely friends including jittrbugg participated in a day with SoulForce this spring, which is this bus ride (actually, there's two - east and west coasts) that goes to schools with anti-queer policies to talk to students about it and protest. Sometimes it's futile, and nothing changes, and people get arrested.

Sometimes it's not.

This is an article about resulting changes this year. But pretty much the most amazing thing in my mind? Brigham Young University changed their policy on homosexuality. BRIGHAM-MOTHERFUCKING-YOUNG. Only one of the most religious, strict universities in the US, run by the Mormon church. They were actively told not to come by the LDS.

Anyway. BYU previously had a policy against homosexual behavior that was "implicit or explicit." This was changed to a policy against behavior, not feelings or orientation.

I think that's pretty amazing. It's a long way to go. A seriously, seriously long way to go. But that's something. (And, um, they definitely wrote 'orientation,' not 'choice.')

Other goodness to come from it:

- Gay-straight alliances at six schools
- an unofficial LGBT group at Pepperdine was granted a new hearing on achieving official status
- Baylor students are petitioning to have the policy on 'homosexual behavior' reviewed

Also, in really, really odd news (to me), Jerry Falwell's ghostwriter was apparently gay. And the founder of SoulForce. Now, that is just weird. (Also, Fred Phelps protested at Falwell's funeral. Wow, I thought they'd be BFF.)

all we can do is keep breathing

2007-05-24T05:47:40Z

I need to go to bed, but I am ridiculously wound up right about now.

A poll, for anyone who stumbles over here.

2007-05-20T05:27:03Z

Poll, tie-in to my queer tv project of which I am writing a report. Check all that apply.

View Poll: Sexual Orientation

ALSO: HAPPY BIRTHDAY laughforthelove!!!!

be kind to your knees (you'll miss them when they're gone)

2007-05-19T06:46:56Z

It has occurred to me lately, and by lately I mean in the past twelve minutes while I have been awake and unable to sleep, wondering, will I pass my Statistics and Philosophy finals and if not, what do I do, and questioning, what shoes do I wear with an ivory dress and can I shorten the straps between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, and generally sitting around far more nervous than I'm sure any of my graduating friends are, because they have plans and I have none, other than to be graduated (and did I mention those finals?) and I am asking:

What do I get my parents, for graduation? Of course, they aren't graduating. But aren't they?

What do I get them that says thank you, that says you made me who I am, that says, I love you? What do I do to adequately convey how fucking blessed I am, to let them know I do appreciate everything they've done? That it means the world to me? That I haven't forgotten anything, not a second, that they've done everything for me? How do I say thank you for letting me go to Germany and thank you for letting me come back and thank you for paying for SEVEN years of college, and understanding when I changed my major four times and my school twice and dropped my entire second semester, thank you for understanding when I stopped school to work and when I wanted to go back, thank you for supporting me when I did things you hated, thank you for paying for twice as much school as you might have had to, thank you for helping me with tests and paying for me to retake classes when I fucked up, thank you for knowing when to give me advice and when to allow me to make my own mistakes, thank you for not berating me for those mistakes, thank you for saving me, thank you for loving me, thank you thank you thank you ...

What could I ever possibly, possibly do to ever convey any of that?

you make me lie when i don't want to

2007-05-06T06:05:43Z

If you offered to help me with my queer TV project, you should have an email. If you don't, let me know. If you didn't let me know but want to help me (pleasepleaseplease) it involves watching a video clip from 3 shoes (a minute and 23 seconds TOTAL) and answering 10 easy, no-wrong-answer questions. Comment here or here (screened) with your email/whatever for the YouTube link & questions.

Mwah. Love you all.