afraid to take a break
I'm caught in a space of uncertainty and hesitation. I don't know if I can trust my own brain - my own judge\ments. I purged on Sunday, after everyone left from our potluck. Brandon was on the phone with his mom and I was obsessing about the chocolate cake I had eaten. I have never been so determined and unafraid to make myself throw up before. Even at Hamline, I sort of knew the bulimia was a cover up - it was a tool I was using to deal with other stress. This wasn't about anything other than erasing a mistake I had made. I got to comfortable and I lost track and ate too much. I figured it would be easier to make myself vomit rather than spend a lot of extra time at the gym. I figured the sugar, oils, and refined flours would slow me down and make my work out suffer - and I have already been struggling enough as it is. I didn't want to risk the calories sticking to me and I have been working so hard to get slim. It wasn't desperate at all. It was very rational, just like the last couple of times I have cut myself. I go into the bathroom, tell myself that this is what I need to do to feel better (cut, purge) and I do it. No drama, just get right to it. No need to worry about hiding too much or use it as a tool for getting attention - it just makes sense.

I asked a group fitness instructor about rest days because I have been worried about taking them, and worried that not taking them could result in me falling off the fitness bandwagon. I'm scared that if I don't workout for a day that I will have lost an opportunity to get my metabolism up, or burn some calories, or get my body to produce that hormone that supprsesses appetite. I worry that rest days are lazy days and it means that I won't continue with exercise. I worry that I'll lose my stamina or strength or something. Brandon tells me that your body can't handle continuous stress like I've been giving mine, and that if I don't take breaks I'm going to end up weaker rather than stronger. I don't want that either.

I've been thinking about all of this and I'm scared. I like what I've done with my body. I like knowing that I've gotten stronger and thinner and I'm more confident because of it - but it also makes me really afraid to go back. I'm afraid I'll lose it. I know that I have followed so much of the advice that's floating around in the world - set up goals, have support from my family, joined an exercise group... there are lots of ways I have recreated my lifestyle to support a healthier way of life - but I'm still scared.

I don't want to be afraid to eat. I don't want to be obsessed with my routine and anxious if I miss a day at the gym. I want balance - I want health and vitality. I want peace in my mind and heart and health in my brain and body.