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[09 Dec 2005|08:35am] |
I had my alarm set this morning for 5:30 becos I had a Philosophy test at 7:15. I studied all last night but was going to review all morning. I turned off my alarm and the next time I opened my eyes, I looked at my clock and it read 7:15. Shit! I was about to have a nervous breakdown but then that would have made me even more late to class. Keep in mind, that part of campus is 25 minutes - walking distance. I zip zip zoom as fast as I can, chewed a piece of gum and scootered to the trolley. Of course, since it rained this morning, I fell on the way there. I broke the fall with my knees and palms - if that can even count as breaking the fall becos my knees hurt real bad now. Dang.
Now that it's over and I probably got a B+ on my test (the status quo for this class), I wish that this anciety would cease from me completely. That all of it would just slip off. I can't believe how stressed out I am.
I am a perfectionist to the max. Yet, my work has not reflected that lately, only my stress level. I have this huge ridiculous task at work with copying 10 books that have to be perfect (meaning, no marks or the middle crease showing) and it's so frustrating becos they are all different sizes so it takes me forever to get the alignment just right for the book frame to be erased. Yeah, a cool function on the copy machine. I almost cried yesterday. The copy room also happens to be a little 6x6 that has absolutely no ventilation. So I get frustrated and super hot.
I wish I could be okay with not getting A's. But I love those. Life is bigger than straight A's... I know that. My intelligent and self-worth are not measured by little letters. I do want to be a better student. I want to excel. But getting B's are okay, right? I can handle being straight above the average but not quite excellent. Everything will be better next semester. It has to. I feel so defeated. Oh boy. I have to go now.
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[26 Nov 2005|08:52pm] |
if you are interested, my photography website has been updated with pictures from a wedding i did a few weeks ago. thanks.
www.somethingwendy.com
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| Hey, another public photo post. |
[24 Aug 2005|07:37pm] |
BIKE ACCIDENT. I suck. Oh well.
My toe was bleeding so much that my sandal was soaked in blood and I still had to ride home, cringing in pain. And cleaning it with rubbing alcohol is a bitch times a lot.
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| So, I'm in public for once... |
[24 Aug 2005|12:49am] |
My friend Rachel just started taking a photography class at her college. She needed to borrow a digital camera and for her first time at being creative, she got into the zone being on my street and produced some gems. Here are three of my favorite - yes, one of them is a cat and we all know how much I hate and fear them but it cannot be denied that she captured a great moment. (No photoshopping here.) I'm very proud.
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[14 Jun 2005|09:33pm] |
THERE'S A TSUNAMI WARNING FOR THE COAST OF NOR CAL. I don't care if it's 700 miles from me but I am scared for all the people around Crescent City. One earthquake on Sunday, another one tonight. I don't like this...
EDIT: Thanks for yanking our chain but the warning has been cancelled. 11 died though so that sucks hard. Poor families. Three in one week. The third was probably an effect of the second.
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| New blog! |
[05 Jun 2005|11:34pm] |
I have moved.
About 500 entries later, I am deleting this journal in the next couple of days when my paid account expires. I have moved myself to a something different... something more general. Separating the ideas of a "journal/diary" and a "blog". I hope that makes sense to you and even if it doesn't, sorry, too bad. I will probably still maintain a journal but I would want a new one and have probably only private posts but for the general musings and informings about the general parts of my life, this blog will more than suffice.
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[03 Jun 2005|12:18am] |
I think I am addicted to food. I just love it too much and since I can't sleep (won't?) sometimes, staying up makes me hungry - which is the problem I have when I'm at school. Meagan also just got a job at a bakery, so when I go to Sonoma, you know I will be putting on the pounds. Jetblue is taking me to her and my other loves. Everything is finalized. Rides, flight number and seat by the window picked. I like Jetblue and am impressed with their presentation of philosophy and aesthetics. I waited for someone to opt Greyhound but alas, I never got it. Thanks to everyone that offered thoughts. I appreciate it.
If they count as being productive, this is what I did today:
- Cooked dinner for the family
- Booked flight
- Bought birthday presents for Ty and Annie
- Arranged plans with Jeanette and then Phil for airport rides
- Exercised some
- Updated photos but still forgot to correct a spelling error
Better luck tomorrow.
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| Nostalgic. |
[02 Jun 2005|06:57pm] |
More than a year ago. This is one of my favorite photographs becos it reminds me of the adventures of Atrium and I; the ones we shall create once again this summer. What a beautiful moment that was as we headed off into the sunset to be audience members in a silly talk show.
-
The showcase has been updated and you should go look.
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| Your opinion valued, thankyou. |
[01 Jun 2005|07:57pm] |
Options:
1) Jetblue from Long Beach to Oakland; 1 hour ($60)
2) Save $20 and Greyhound from Pasadena to Oakland; 10-12 hours ($40)
I have allotted a $200 budget for this trip. (Ambitious, I know.) Which is all I can handle given the birthdays coming up this month and catching up with old friends.
*PS: I forgot to mention but either way, I would get to Oakland at about the same time since I have a night flight and the bus takes off in the morning.
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[01 Jun 2005|12:32am] |
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Less angry than previous post.
I was reading some entries from the past few months and I have really come to value this electronic journal. It is a very fair and accurate collection of me, everything that I have chosen to put out there, and I should really think about printing them all out. Almost 500 entries, though, complied over the past year and a half. Intensity. Hmm, it's doable.
I was suppose to go to bed by now.
It was really weird to be back at school today and feel like a visitor. I turned in some job applications for the fall, talked to my financial counselor, took care of things in the health center and said hi to this one person that I think doesn't like me at all which is a small blow to the ego but what can you do?
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| Sleep please beacon me in. |
[31 May 2005|02:48am] |
Fancy thoughts of returning to a place where something like staying away from the pile of ice spilled on the dirty concrete was your biggest concern run wild in my mind. The crash and burn transition of adolescence to the exasperating growing pains of adulthood have replaced the carefree days of everything past. Romanticism sways you to hold on with all that you have remaining to be that child - that beautiful, sweet and oblivious to hurt child - but reality and the inevitable disappointments and trials teach you to grow up, grow stronger and to stand and not crawl. The lessons are supposed to be worth enough, right? (Balance.) It is nearly three in the morning and I am up becos of anxiety, restlessness and melancholy.
I think these thoughts with their festering tendencies have perversed a formerly simpler view of life for something unattractive and very much complicated. Throw caution to the wind. Follow your heart's beatings and never look back; never think twice. Do what you love and love what you do. (Phrases.)
Would I find peace 1000 miles away?
"I think it's a great idea if you are looking for a vacation... unless you are escaping." I was still to express the truth that was ringing in your words. It's both, I know. Experience new places with friends that seem to have been a part of me for a lifetime. Maybe I just need a change of scenery.
I guess I kind of wish I could just cry for a very long time. Actually, I have already been there enough but at least it is something physical; tangible. Everyday, at almost every moment, I know I am on the verge of crying. Tears do not really solve anything. I need something definite in my life. Anything. Maybe that is why I have been focused on morbid details - the anxiety attacks of someone dead. I run the scenarios in my mind, how I would react, how my friends would step in and try to hold me up and how I would cry out to God but feel no response. Being selfish and not getting out of bed for weeks.
Anyways. It is nearing four now since I started this entry.
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[29 May 2005|10:48pm] |
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After church, I slept, on the floor, for six hours until it was time to watch primetime [syndicated] television. However, I will resent the constant questioning of "So, what are you doing this summer if you don't have a job or school?" As if those could be the only worlds to define me or any life for that matter. I am trying to be a daughter again after a nine-month hiatus. I am applying for school jobs in the fall - praying that I will have money to go to that school. I am planning my own vacation with my own money. I am rebuilding relationships. I am reading. I am trying to climb over my blocks of current suckage with photography. I am going to learn about cameras and film. I am breathing.
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[29 May 2005|01:57am] |
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I need to stop being lazy about life.
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| Liberation, please. |
[28 May 2005|12:05am] |
This impending trip to Northern California has proven itself to be a little more complicated than ideal, of course. Vacations don't really work do they? They can't. Becos sooner or later, reality will catch up with you and you have to deal with life and whatever you momentarily left behind will come back to you. I just want to be free for a little while. It seems entirely selfish, though, and this conscience of mine will not let it go becos I always wish I can be doing the right thing and not inevitably screwing something up in my life that only time will tell me. Church retreats seem to be justified becos you are going away to be with God. I kind of see this as my retreat becos I want to find God in new places. Wander around a beautiful small town like Sonoma and not know anyone but want to photograph everyone and be serene. Somehow, it all seems ridiculous. You think I am going just to see him. To find something there, right? He is a friend, like the dozen or so I will get to spend time with if I go. Am I hoping for change? Part of me will - of course. But one of the reasons why I like him so much is becos of the good feelings I get when we hang out and his fun company. I have so many people I want to see both up north and in Oregon. Anyways. My reasons are endless and I can stop explaining myself. I just can't stand for you to think one-sidedly.
I need to stop thinking and writing and feeling for the time being. I usually avoid sleep at night becos there's always something to occupy my mind and I prefer staying up. But not today. Today was unpleasant and I kind of need it to end. There is a lot to be done, a lot of planning and sorting out but you know it can wait until the morning.
Remind me to stop apologizing all the time. I'm annoying.
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| Life lesson #6547356291. |
[27 May 2005|03:39pm] |
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Shit happens, you make mistakes, you underestimate the cruelty of this money-hungry world, God tests you, you fail, you succeed, life goes on, friends come to your rescue, friends try to calm your scared ass down, you cry, you laugh, you hurt, you grow and in the end, you are just supposed to be okay. Shit happens to teach you how to be smarter, stronger, quicker and you meet the challenges head on instead of bitching like a child and throwing what ifs and should haves. I know. I know. I know. We will put our strategic minds together and get through this. I am full of too much fear that needs to dissipate immediately. Love, pull me up. Faith, hold me firm.
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[26 May 2005|09:38pm] |
My mom is back! The worst of the details: a six-inch wide, three-inch deep cut right at the left knee. Yes, I will concur that that one is the worst. There is much more that I can share but I am tired; I have been doing what I can to help her since she's been back - but no points for me becos I'm her daughter and she's my mom and therefore, it is love and I need not points for loving my mom. Moving is painful. She can't shower with all her open wounds scattered about the legs and arms and fingers. But she is back and we are all together again.
(Now my friends, nobody is allowed to die or near-die for a while. I can't handle any more drama/trauma.)
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[24 May 2005|09:41pm] |
I probably would not write this if I was not watching this silly teenage show right now. But I am eighteen and I am allowed.
My last entry was about more than vanity; when I looked at that photograph for the first time, it was that question that first came to mind. How can the concept of self-worth, however defined, feel like it is slipping away more and more each day? That photograph was about vulnerability. I honestly wonder if I could be completely bare with you. With this white text box. That you would somehow find me between these words.
I started thinking about honesty. And the risk of just being open with your heart - regardless of the result - that you can be true to what you feel. I wonder if it is okay to care about someone that may or very well may not care about you in the same extreme. I battle this endless cycle inside until the only way to drive them out is to end up hating them. If I cannot have them near me, if I cannot say anything to them, then I will let go the way I know how. But what is the point of keeping everything within? It is written that it is wise to guard your heart and to not awaken anything until it so desires but how wrong can it be to simply be honest with what you know?
I have always wanted to be vulnerable becos it is what makes sense to me. That I dare enough to allow my heart to be broken. Instead, for right now, I hold everything in, every secret and dream wrapped up in fear and agony, becos I am stuck. Why should we be so afraid? Pain is always impending. It is always there to welcome you, to teach you, to make you stronger. The last boy that I was willing to give my heart to, I never told him. Until years went by, awkwardness became of our friendship and now, he is only a stranger. Someone I do not even like being around. Perhaps it is becos he reminds me of where I was then. Of my foolishness. Of somehow, not ever really understanding why I had ever liked him at all. There is someone different now. Someone that challenges me to see the world, music, friendships, God in ways that are bright and beautiful.
Why do we not tell people we love them if we do? Sadly, I cannot even say it to my own parents. Though they try, I am paralyzed when they say it. When they try to show it. I cannot receive it. Is it becos I do not think I deserve it? Or that they do not deserve mine? I tell my friends constantly those three finite words. I tell them without hesitation and without reservation. I tell them becos I mean it and I want and need them to know. And not becos I need to hear it back, I just simply want them to know how I feel. So why is it so much more complicated with certain individuals?
I just discovered that I spilled blue gatorade on my white skirt earlier today.
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| (Am I beautiful enough to love?) |
[23 May 2005|07:26pm] |
I wanted to be beautiful today. And to take an honest portrait of myself, wondering if I'm enough.
I think I would find happiness if I was in Northern California and Oregon right now. But even to travel to see some of my best friends might force my loneliness to be even more starkly apparent. Would I feel a greater sense of disconnection if I pulled myself into foreign environments? I kind of just want to escape everything here, for a little while at least. Placerville, Redding, Rocklin, American Canyon, Sonoma Valley, Stockton, Jacksonville, Beaverton, Lake Oswego. Names that occupy my mind.
I am feeling a lot of selfishness coming over me. I want an escape.
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_unstrung's journal