| new year, same story. |
[Jan. 1st, 2008|11:34 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | as tall as lions- soft hum | ] |
I looked at myself in the mirrior last weekend before I went to meet everyone for the moongoons honeymoon V at first ave. I thought, this is exactly who I want to be. I had my favorite red dress on, my new zip up from mike, boots, and my new purse. I thought, sure mike broke you a little, but aaron might show up and you've always liked him right? Mike was still all I thought about that night. I got completely too drunk to even understand what I was doing. Was I really moving from one guy straight to the next, it was as if all these guys were waiting in line. But its not like, they line up to be with me, it feels more like they line up to each take their shot at hurting me. It was like, who could hurt Mady the most. Who could stay locked in her mind for more than a week, who could make her forget Alex, who could nail her, who could make her write all her stupid entries about them. Its all just too much like a big fucking game. That's exactly what I was to you too.
Kudos Mike you win. That's what I'll let you think at least, maybe someday you'll realize you actually lost out on something. But still you other boys, I'm so ashamed I called you a friend and the other, a best friend. I'm ashamed I spent time picking you up, helping you out, making you food, being there for you in general. The boys I've spent a lot of time with the last month, have had more drama than I've had the last 6 months with girls. Also, thank you for judging me for doing the SAME things you do! Do you or do you not go from girl to girl mike? And andrew have you never had a drunk mistake fuck or have someone you just can't get over? And ryan, I honestly do not have anything bad to say about you, because so I thought, we had no beef, we had one fuck up that should be completely in the past I don't understand what I could've done to make you hate me.
So here I am, its almost 6am New Year's Day and I'm staring in the mirrior again. The girl I saw before, in her stupid matching outfit, and all the friends, and the "sweet" guy she couldn't make leave her mind. The one that was happy. She's gone. You've destroyed her. You ripped me apart from the inside out. I just left your house after hearing you talk shit about me from the other room, to find that it was not ryan who doesn't want me in the house, it was mike and andrew, the ones I trusted. You legitimately cannot trust anyone. All you've got is yourself at the end of the night..
This whole entry, is the lame pathetic sucker story of my life. I always finish last. I always get stepped on. I'm always the nice one that will go out of my way for you, and then you'll hurt me the most. You'll lie to me and be two faced and I'll still come pick you up.
Goodfuckingnight. Happy new year! Woo!
tell me how come
no one gets what they really want
and love only when its convenient?
we act like we know more than we know
we treat love like its something you own
but maybe I'll find you
maybe I'll find something I love |
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| cuz every inch of me is bruised |
[Dec. 29th, 2007|08:29 am] |
I hang out with a lot of guys that are terrified of being alone at the end of the night. You can sin or spend the night all alone. and damnit I swear I'm not one of them, but the truth of it is I am. Sometimes I like sitting at parties and letting everything happen around me. Who's who, who drank too much. Who will you be with tonight sweet heart. It Hurts so much when you still care.. You always care about the ones that hurt you most. I'm over you, but I still care, don't forget that, I'll still be hanging around when you need a shoulder to fall asleep on.
Every song on the jack's mannequin cd is amazing. I've got friends who la la lie, to help me pull through. The song for a long goodbye, I'm coming back to my boy by July. |
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| mygames |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|08:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | something corporate | ] |
Pictures running through my head of the perfection that played out like a movie. Just like a movie, very short lived. You can only fall asleep to the same movie so many times before you need something new, and that's alright. I just wanted to be your favorite.
The way this started, the way you talked down on him, the hypocricy. I don't wanna believe this is what you are. No one does. Head over heels, I fell for you, then it all fell apart. You were everything I wanted, maybe I let you know too often. You told me I was perfect, and now I'm just a mess. |
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[Dec. 23rd, 2007|07:29 am] |
I've had an epiphany. My judgement is fucked. I permanently have drunken judgement. Thinking people are attractive that aren't, and that I mean more than just once. But I don't think I'm alone. I think most girls can relate. So I just need a reality check, sober up my perception a bit.. Guys want someone to fuck when its convenient. That's all untill they're 30, and even then, they just want to marry the one who's most convenient, and cheat on them when the find something better. Ok lets see who will find me convenient tonight. |
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[Dec. 22nd, 2007|03:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | goo goo dolls | ] |
I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic after driving to see you, hoping I might cheer you up.. Watching the minutes pass.. Late for work, again. Gas tank on E.. And I thought.. WHAT AM I DOING? Why am I here again? Why do I always give so much of myself to people that don't always deserve it..?
I'm always fucking waiting in traffic for someone, you know what I mean.. Just sitting there and knowing you can't change anything, you can't get there any faster. Its so frustrating. There's idiots who cut you off, and always someone with their fucking blinker on trying to merge in front of you. I guess All you can do is light a cigarette and know you'll get to where you want eventually.
And then I hit every red light on hennepin.
This all stops now.
I need him here. Or I need to be there. Something. |
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| close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you. |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|10:31 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | emilys | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the beatles | ] |
If there's someone for everyone he might be it. I know there's someone who cares about me waiting at home, but now I know there will always be someone here who does too.
You can't explain it, but there's some people you just fit with. You look into eachothers eyes and you just know you're perfect for eachother. The pieces fall together and everythings right in that moment. Some pieces fit and some don't, and I'm just scared I'm trying to force it with mike. I know I forced it for a long time with Alex, and it only worked out for the worst in the end, I don't want to do that again. I wish I could have my missing piece, but he's here and I'm there. One day it will work, I know it. But for now, there's someone else I absolutely adore too, and I can't wait to get off the plane and be with him.
And don't take that the wrong way, I in no way feel like I'm settling for Mike, he's probably one of the most incredible people I've met in my life.. Its just some people fit better together and I'm scared we won't.. But we'll just have to see how it plays out and I'll have to take some chances. |
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| hollywood |
[Dec. 16th, 2007|07:44 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | em's car | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | dr dre haha | ] |
The place we all watch on tv, and I'm just another face in the crowd. If I stayed in this city it would eat me alive. My feet hurt from these god damn boots and I just spent my grocery money for the next 2 months on a purse. Nothings real here and he's no exception. I'll be gone in a day and won't see him for months.. I tell myself I like it that way, but I lie to myself, not you.
Life would be good if travel cost a little less, and I had a little more money. If I could visit the coast every 2 months, I'd have it made. A perfect balance. Part of myself I always feel is out here. It's where I come from and it feels like home sometimes.. But I don't think I could leave the midwest at this point in my life. I think someday I will deffinately move out here, even if only temp, just for the experience.. just test the waters and know I could always move back to mpls. |
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| even if it kills me. |
[Dec. 13th, 2007|01:37 am] |
When I wake up in the morning, turn my head to realize it's not you anymore.. A sense of relief sometimes, relieved that I'm not beside someone who wasn't dreaming of me. We both know you never dreamt of me. I was what was comfortable, not what you wanted, not what you needed. I remember the times you'd turn over and say a different name in your sleep. It's when I think about moments like that, I'm so happy this pathetic story had an ending, so glad that 12/8/07 brought complete closure once and for all. You left me a message on the plane, said you were just happy I'm happy.. Thank you for that.
Yesterday I cleaned my entire room, organized everything, stood at the door, and for the first time in that room, I felt like I was home. Minneapolis now feels more home than it ever did. Putting things with Alex to rest, has finally made the memories of life in Wisconsin, just that, memories. Its exactly where I need to be. The group of people I've fallen into caught me at just the right time and I'm staying just where I landed.
Mike Eames makes me the most smiley giggly happiest girl in the world, there's no hiding it. I love his room mates, I love that me and Pat are on good, no great terms again. And of course I love Alex Perpich cuz she's the reason for all this. Don't know what I'll do when she leaves this spring. Ever since I've been coming up to Mpls she's always been here, it won't be the same without her. She knows the city like the back of her hand, I guess everyone itches for something new at some point. Part of me wishes she'd get a place with me and stay.
Alright another hour untill I can have a cigarette and california and emily.
Something tastes different, maybe its my tounge.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young. |
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| update on mady |
[Dec. 8th, 2007|07:05 pm] |
I'm happy. And I'm thankful for the people in my life the past weeks. Its awesome that I can breathe again and I'm over Alex. Us having no contact anymore may be a bit drastic, but it had to be done and everyone knows that. I'm just really genuinely happy right now.. Everythings really not that great, but its ok I'm still happy.. Actually a lot of things aren't so great, but I choose to not discuss those and point those things out anymore. I just need to let it go and keep moving, cuz lifes too short to stay in on a friday night. |
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[Dec. 4th, 2007|09:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Maine | ] |
I'll admit I've been a bit of a lush as of late. It stops starting now. I haven't been this indecisive since 9th grade when I went back and fourth between steven and kyle who were best friends. I'm too impulsive for this. Don't tell me your interested cuz then it puts stupid ideas in my head.
I don't know what to think right now. All I know is I met someone unlike anyone I've met before. When I'm with him I can't stop smiling and I have no idea what's gonna happen next. But I like that. |
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[Nov. 30th, 2007|11:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | warm bed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | all time low is in my head | ] |
Wow its been a long time since I've updated. I haven't been in the mood to write. But now, when I'm high and sobering up, laying in bed alone, 5am is when I want to write the most. I could get out a notebook right now and just write pages and pages about random shit.
Timing. Timing is a bitch sometimes. But the thing with timing is, when its shitty it all sort of goes back to the whole 'everything happends for a reason'. I'm sort of in a weird state of mind. Tonight was sort of undescribable. I know I was there from 11pm to about 3am but the whole thing feels like it happened in an hour. I felt very uncomfortably awkward for a while, felt like there was too many rivalries and enemies and 'he said she saids' in one house. And though I had no problems I knew about everyone elses. I probably knew you hated someone even if you didn't say it. Cuz I could feel it. I knew who didn't wanna see me and who really did. And who assumes I'm a slut and who knows I'm not. I know shit like this, and the problem is, when I havent ingested alcohol I care way too much.. And when I have drank.. I don't care enough. But I drank a ton anyways.
Do you know what my problem was with tonight? Some girls think that if you're hanging out with a guy at a party it means you want to like date them.. Which inturn means they need to come tell you all these horriable things about him to turn you away. Its like "thanks guys, I'm enjoying my time with someone, come tell me he's a dirtbag before I even finish introducing myself". Like okok I don't pick the best boys to be interested in, but could you at least give me the first night to think he MIGHT not be a total prick. I'm sure he is, and I'm sure you guys are right.. Sadly you usually are. But I heard more about this boy tonight from girls then actually from him. Ohh timing. If it was a different time a different place. But its not, its now and I think I spent time getting to know the wrong person. I can't believe how soon I go to California. 13 days. Can't wait to see Emily. Andrew and I haven't talked much the last week, I don't even know if he'll come see me while I'm there. I just can't read him. If he shows he shows. He's like my "ideal boy " so what I mean by that is.. Its just something you always hope for but know will never happen; and youre okay with that. Or its called not being naiive. I know what to take seriously and what to not.
End.fin.sleep.bye.goodnight. |
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| I've never been so alone, & I've never been so alive. |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|03:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | third eye blind | ] |
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
and this is the last time we'll be "friends" again
and I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am |
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[Nov. 14th, 2007|02:01 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the starting line- playing favorites | ] |
so the only thing I can say Im sort of bummed about is that the job isn't full time now.. I guess..
But the longer I work there the more hours I'll get so eventually I'll be up to full time.
So looks like I still have to work pretty much every night at planet beach.
Last night sucked, I made zero comission because I was never behind the counter. I decided I like working alone a lot better, even if Im swamped at least I know Im getting the extra money for comission. Im just annoyed with that place in general.
okayy pay day needs to hurry up and come so I can get my plane ticketsss. Both jobs are totally cool with me being gone for a week so thats good :)
ps I think Im a tanorexic.. I looked in the mirrior the other day and was like ew Im already losing my tan. then I saw my skin next to someone elses.. and was like wait.. Im way too dark. |
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[Nov. 13th, 2007|02:11 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | third eye blind | ] |
I now officially work for 360 magazine.
Andd have officially had my first published article.
Pick up a copy at Cheapo or you can read it on the website at 360twincities.com
shit I dont want to wake up early everyday now. ahh a real job. |
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| !!!!!!11!!11!!!!!!! |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|08:02 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | watching american beauty | ] |
My saturday was amazing. I'm drunk every weekend again, and I don't care. Alex makes me depressed with his head games. I wish he'd just let it go. It done its over let me live. Don't feed me lines about how you still love me, because if you still loved me you'd still be with me. On the other hand, the other Alex, she makes me very happy cuz she's the shit. Anyone who blares Alanis Morrisette and sings like an angry canadian in the ghetto has to be amazing.
I'm going to San Diego one month from today UNLESS some unfourtunate money problem happends.. And that's about a 50/50 chance.. We shall see. I'm good for now. Deff no extra cash in my pocket but I've got enough to be on track.. And anything extra goes to savings for SD. Soooo excited to see Emily and maybe a little excited to see this one boy but he's not my reason for going there, he just makes it THAT much better. I suppose even if it were just for him, it'd be so worth it. Night. |
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| tired of never knowing.. |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|03:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | as tall as lions | ] |
Steven is the male version of me, I'd never want to date myself, I'll put it that way. I know exactly how he's feeling right now, but I'm sorry steven, god this happends everytime to one of us. Its been 4 years and we still wanna see eachother for the people we were back then.
Its unbearably cold in my apartment. I swear the heat is broken. I can't sleep cuz I'm too cold. Im confused. and I'm frustrated. and I just want to get out of this cold weather and go see my emily.
There's this boy, and he has good taste, great clothes, smart, funny, talented, and I wish he'd just give me a chance. If he'd just be the one to call me.. just once. If he'd wait with me for buses all day again, and bum cigarettes, and tell me I was cute that would be amazing. |
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[Nov. 5th, 2007|08:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | sisters bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | my kitty snoring | ] |
I'm to this point where I don't know what's "home" anymore. It feels so strange in Menomonie, I almost feel more at home in Eau Claire, but all I think of there are memories.. It drives me crazy thinking that the happiest moments of my life are gone. I'll never have back what we had, ever. Nowhere is home right now. I can honestly say I have no idea what I'm going to do right now.
I'm staying with Steven for a couple days because I finally got days off from planet beach. 360 said to follow up AGAIN (so frustrating.) early this week, so I just sent an email to them now. That's one thing I do know though, if I got that job I'd jump up and down and be so happy, and deff stay in the cities. But its been 3 weeks of emails and interviews and I'm getting impatient. |
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| I admit it's in my head, and I regret offering. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|08:15 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | t&s | ] |
Finally meeting kenny after going to every starting line show made my week, not gonna lie. And him showing up to eat with us, not so bad either.. I'm so 14 :)
Anyways I was looking forward to getting wasted off my ass after the show, and then I got there, and I was soooo tired I just passed out in steph's bed. (MEGN I'm sorry I didn't call! I was exhausted!) I had to open the salon today for the first time, and I freaked out cuz I couldn't get the alarm to go off. I thought the cops were coming for sure. Imsosickofthatplace. Lets not talk about it.
Lets talk about how the first time I see Alex in over a week, he has a hickie on his neck. I never once gave that kid a hickie in the 2 years we made out.. She must be a fucking leach. Gross. So trashy. It hurt a lot to have to see that, still not over it. But I managed to pretend to be happy for part of the night anyways. I need to get away from him, but I can't, I need to, he's killing me. Part of me wants to move with emily.. but that's not saying I'm even thinking about plans.. just a little tiny thought in the back of my head. Just like a little tiny part of me misses someone there that I'd do anything to be closer to. |
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[Oct. 30th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
I decided, if I don't get that job at 360, which I'd know by tomorrow.. I'm moving back home. In all honesty, I don't think I'm gonna get it.. Therefore I'll be giving my 2 weeks notice to planet beach tomorrow and moving back home in mid november. I'll still pay rent here unless Molly finds a sub-leaser. Who knows maybe I'll move back up at a later time, but right now things just aren't working out for me, and there's nothing keeping me here.
I really just need to start over. I deleted my myspace, I'm going to get rid of my sidekick.. Just I need to cut myself off from everything. I don't want to be here anymore. I need to put as many miles between him and I as possible.
Sorry to dissapoint, I always do, its what I do best. |
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