| I shall never grow up; make believe is much too fun. |
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| semi-public; semi-private. |
[30 Jul 2010|10:27pm] |
+ Parts of this journal are friends only.
+ Add me first.
+ Comment on where you saw me or whatever [but you must comment].
+ It's very likely I'll add you back.
+ Don't take it personally if I don't.
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| it's been a while. |
[28 Oct 2009|01:03pm] |
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market kitchen on tv. |
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hi livejournalers.
so, like I said, it's been a while. since I last posted, at lot's happened. and I mean a LOT. nearly a year ago [last halloween] I went into hospital with a temperature. it was a small infection, but I then developed graft vs host disease in my stomach, liver, and general intestinal tract. I'd already had it in my skin and gut a bit whilst still in hospital after my second bone marrow transplant [my leukaemia came back in april last year] and I thought I had dealt with it and everything was fine. this was not the case. graft vs host disease is when the donor cells recognise the recipient's cells as "foreign" and launch an attack. I started throwing up daily, having terrible indigestion and stomach pains, and was eventually told to stop eating as everything was making me sick and they couldn't figure out why. I was put on tpn, which is basically all the nutrients and vitamins and minerals you need in liquid form that can just go directly into the bloodstream. I've been on it constantly since then, although it is now being slowly decreased. anyway, the gvh in my stomach and liver was eventually diagnosed, and it got worse and worse, despite being on steroids to try and combat it. I became jaundiced very quickly, starting with my eyes. by the middle of december I was green and at the top of the liver transplant list. on december 21st I was taken to theatre and given a brand new liver, courtesy of a girl who I will never know but am incredibly grateful to - without her I would probably be dead by now. I was so ill that they used an O-Neg liver, whereas my blood type is A-Pos, and they only use mismatched livers if the person needing it is near death.
so since then I've been recovering, which involves learning to walk again [I still need a wheelchair for long distances], starting to eat again [I was unable to eat pretty much everything, because the gvh stripped my stomach of its lining and the enzymes it needs to digest things] and readjusting to life. I'm still on a lot of medication, especially pain medication [I've been on everything from morphine to ketamine to fentanyl, sometimes a mixture] and now I'm just trying to live like a normal person. my friends have all gone to university without me but it's okay, I'll be okay. my health is just the most important thing.
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| 017. |
[21 Jan 2008|08:24pm] |
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happy birthday to me!
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| catalyst. |
[19 Nov 2007|04:15pm] |
I am falling apart.
it seems every other day I am freaking out about cancer and transplant and everything. last night I had the most horrific dream that I was going to die and I had to just resign myself to that fact and let it happen, but I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone. and when I woke up I just started thinking about transplant, and what if it doesn't work? or what if the cancer comes back? sure, I might get one, or two years in remission, but who knows if I'll get any more? and if it does come back, there's nothing they can do for me. and I'll die. and I am terrified of that happening. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone, I don't want to have to. I have no idea what I'd say. and I'm too young to have to think about any of this, to be thinking about what I might leave to someone, or how I could thank them for being a part of me.
it just feels like I am losing the person I once was. at the start of this I was so upbeat about it all, making jokes. hiding from it. because the truth is, when they told me I had leukaemia, my first thought was "I'm going to die". and that is always in my head. I think one of the reasons I want to be at home for christmas so badly is that I don't know if I'll be around for the next one. and I want to have a big party for my seventeenth birthday because it might be my last. I cry so much more than I used to. things get to me so much more. I suppose when your life is dictated by an illness, the little things become so much bigger. like being at home for an afternoon was so nice, and being told I was going to have to stay another week was so devastating. everything is an extreme, there's no middle ground.
I was listening to this song yesterday and reading the lyrics and relating them to myself, and I couldn't stop myself from sobbing.
I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen. she left before I had the chance to say the words that would mend the things that were broken, but now its far too late; she's gone away. every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
the taste of her breath, I'll never get over. and the noises that she made keep me awake. the weight of things that remain unspoken built up so much it crushed us everyday.every night you cry yourself to sleep, thinking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?" it's hard to believe that it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
of all the things I felt, I've never really showed. perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go.
it's not over tonight; just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you.
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| my first allergic reaction. |
[23 Oct 2007|12:27pm] |
so I was getting platelets 'cause mine were a bit low, as y'do, and I've had them loads before so I wasn't worried 'cause I've never reacted to anything, ever.
and during the transfusion my palms and the soles of my feet started getting itchy, and then I had to go to the toilet. whilst in there, I started getting really itchy, especially my legs and feet. then I noticed these little white circles, about the size of a pea, appearing on my hands and arms, and then they started spreading, so I had patches of skin that were white and swollen, and it was all I could do to get back to my room, where my mom was, and I burst into tears and went "something's happening to me!" and I just sat on my bed and cried 'cause it felt like they were burning, and the patches of skin were getting bigger. my mom went and got eleri, who is a good nurse, and she went and paged a doctor, and jackie, the sister came and sat with me, while I just cried 'cause I was so afraid. my knees and feet and ears and hands were especially bad, and then I couldn't breathe through my nose, and a swelling started coming up on my lip which worried them 'cause they thought I might be going into anaphylactic shock. then the doctor came and listened to my chest to make sure I was breathing properly, and eleri and jackie brought some piriton which they put through my line. I then went back to the loo, and I was sitting in there, and my stomach was really hurting. people kept asking me through the door if I was okay, and for a while I was saying yes, but then my eyes went all crazy and I couldn't see and I just felt like I was going to die. I couldn't answer the people outside the door anymore and they had to break in, which took ages because the door is apparently impossible to unlock from the outside. I was sitting bent double, throwing up into a bedpan and it was awful, and then jackie and eleri came in and gave me another antihistamine through my line, and I was shaking like crazy, especially my arms and legs, which was really scary. after a while I calmed down, and eleri left while I cleared myself up. then eleri and dawn came back in, and I was just sat on the toilet lid 'cause I couldn't get up. they held me up under each arm and basically had to drag me back to my room and help me back into bed.
so yeah basically it was terrifying and it took ages for the hives to go down, but today I'm okay.
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| upping the dosage pt. II |
[09 Oct 2007|12:02pm] |
my norethisterone is now up to nine pills a day, bloody hell. plus the tranexamic acid and platelet transfusions, you would think my period would've stopped, but no, I've had it for three weeks now. killahhh.
my mama is currently out getting me a happy meal. I'm excited to eat it. this pleases me, 'cause my appetite is on the way out, and soon I won't want to eat anything. these will be bad times.
I'm excited for christmas. hopefully, hopefully, I'll be out in time. if my blood counts come back up by the start of november, and I am healthy, then I could still get out in time for christmas even if it takes six weeks for me to be better after transplant. god, I want to be home for it so much; it'll be shit in hospital. I want to wake up at home and find a stocking on the end of the bed, and have a fire in the fireplace and smell the tree in the morning. I want to have christmas dinner. I think this christmas will be wicked if I'm at home.
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| OH HAI |
[08 Oct 2007|03:08pm] |
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sorry I haven't updated since I've been back in hospitalo, but I felt really shit due to the chemo and blah blah blah it was boring.
so I am on a different chemo, called FLAG-Ida, which means it consists of FLudarabine, Ara-C [Cytarabine], GCSF [a growth hormone which boosts my neutrohphils... er I have 0.1 :/ ] and Idarubicin, which is like the Daunorubicin that made my pee pink. ahh, good times.
I had really bad face pain one night, like, I was up at four am just crying and then the nurse came and I was like "my face really huuuuurts" and then I cried more. it was no fun. and my period has been happening for over two weeks now UGH GO AWAY. the pills I am on do not help. oh and I had killer nosebleeds for a couple of days. yes chemotherapy has many side effects that are bad and evil. but at least I wasn't up all night throwing up like lucy, man, she sounded distressed. which I'm sure she was, throwing up is shit.
I would like visitors now I am better please, so feel free to show up, I probably won't kick you out.
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| madness. |
[20 Sep 2007|11:20am] |
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trisha on leeanne's tv |
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okay so I was told this morning that if my neutrophils are 0.3 tomorrow [they're 0.2 today], I get to go home! for like, a week and a bit. and then I have to come back, but still. a week at home after five and a bit weeks in hospital is going to be beautiful.
I'm excited.
yeah and that's basically it today. I'm just hoping that my neutrophils will come up so you all have to pray or hope or whatever and then I will get to sleep in my own bed tomorrow night and see my cat and eat food that doesn't have to be microwaved and I can go on myspace and not fight with the air conditioning and my bed won't get changed everyday and oh it will be so ace.
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| upping the dosage. |
[19 Sep 2007|11:32am] |
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hii. today we are doubling my dose of northisterone. and I get sudafed in a pill now which is better because the liquid is vile. and magnesium liquid is vile. I don't mind the lactulose though; it tastes a bit like calpol.
I have 0.2 neutrophils today, and 1.1 white cells. this is wicked, by the way. when my neutrophils are at 0.5ish and above then I get to go home for a couple of days. and then come back for more chemo, funfunfun.
I woke up every two hours last night. literally. every two hours, on the hour. god knows why, I think my body hates me. plus it doesn't help that there's a nurse in here at two and six am, taking my blood pressure and temperature and blood. it's not fair.
I have nothing else to say at the moment, because nothing exciting is happening.
my mama is now off to town to get my lunch, and I am going to go and get weighed. I always have to convert it to know what it means, 'cause I don't know metric.
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| ow ow ow. |
[18 Sep 2007|01:46pm] |
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 in pain |
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ER on tv |
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I've decided that I might as well update this as much as possible, because it is the only way I can communicate what is happening to me to people.
I had surgery this morning. I had a bone marrow aspirate, which is where they put a big needle in your back and suck out some of the liquid bone marrow. I also had a lumbar puncture, where they take some spinal fluid to see if that's still clear, and I had some chemotherapy injected into my spinal fluid.
now I'm just lying on my bed, watching deal or no deal and having serious backache, but the morphine and codeine keep that in check for the most part. I'm also having some ambizone [an anti-fungal medication] going through my line, because I've had a bit of a cold, which is a bit of a bitch but I'm getting better.
oh and I am bald. my hair was falling out loads and I just got sick of it so we spent an afternoon cutting my hair really short and then we shaved it. good times.
nothing else really to report at the moment, just that I'm alright and trying not to let the boredom get to me.
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| It's been a while. |
[17 Sep 2007|11:58am] |
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the oc on tv |
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but I think it's important that I let you all know this, if anyone still reads this.
I have cancer.
for the last four and a bit weeks I have been living in Birmingham Children's Hospital, having treatment for AML [acute myeloid leukemia] type M7, which means my platelets are affected. Also, I'm missing a chromosome, which means that I have to have a transplant, because chemo doesn't work quite as well with this kind of chromosome abnormality. I have had chemotherapy, and tomorrow I go for my second bone marrow aspirate and lumbar puncture and that will help us see if I'm in remission [when I have less than 5% cancer cells]. after that, I'll have another round of chemo, but we don't know which kind yet, and then I'll go for a bone marrow transplant.
I'm scared. I try not to be, but sometimes I remember that this is a life-threatening disease and I could die. and understandably, that worries me.
if someone reads this that has my myspace, then I guess a link to this in a comment would be good incase people want to be updated.
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| now we're partying. |
[29 Jun 2007|08:19pm] |
hey kidssssss.
so today was really really nice. I bought some trousers for work experience, and then I met up with sophie and we had bare chats about things, and then I went to sutton to meet yeadon and we bonded and it was pretty beautiful.
it's really nice having guy friends. just to cotch and chillax and bitch about his girlfriend aha oh dear.
life is good.
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| I'll follow you into the dark. |
[25 Apr 2007|10:27pm] |
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love of mine, someday you will die. but I'll be close behind; I'll follow you into the dark. no blinding lights, or tunnels to gates of white...just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for a hint of a spark. if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs...if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark. in catholic school as vicious as roman rule; I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black. and I held my tongue as she told me, "son, fear is the heart of love", so I never went back. if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs...if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark. you and me have seen everything to see, from bangkok to calgary. and the soles of our shoes are all worn down, the time for sleep is now. but it's nothing to cry about, 'cause we'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms. if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs...if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark. I'll follow you into the dark.
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| okay wow. |
[16 Apr 2007|07:39pm] |
everything has basically changed and I feel like complete shit right now. I don't understand music or ict and I feel like I'm just losing the will to live and I just ate this iced bun that I was really excited about and it wasn't even NICE and I don't have any money and summer seems so far away right now and GCSEs begin on the 16th of may even though my art exam is THURSDAY and I haven't done any prep for it or anything and I feel like just curling up into the foetal position and I just hate my life and everything about it and this is really just one long sentence.
breathe.
I want another week of holiday to just lose myself in schoolwork and sleep and not talk to anyone except dan because he is the only person who knows how to deal with me when I am like this.
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| CHORUS. |
[12 Apr 2007|10:09pm] |
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athlete westside |
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life is so good right now.
no, really.
my bronchitis has basically gone away and dan and I are proper friends again and tonight has been so funny and there's a boy I really like and I don't know what's going to happen there but it's okay and in nine and a half weeks my gcses will be over and I'm not really sad about anything, at the moment.
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| hi my name is kathryn and I am a big big lesbian. |
[03 Apr 2007|11:00am] |
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Kelly Rowland lololol |
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well not really.
so by updating this I am avoiding revision.
aka, my life.
I really need to sort out my work ethic and it won't stop raining and I feel so utterly white-trash-british right now it sickens me, what with listening to kelly rowland [LOL] and not doing work and hanging about on myspace, pshhh.
I miss the days when I was committed to working and I liked being clever.
gone are those days.
how are you all doing?
also: rhiannon: icon!
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| home again. inevitably. |
[16 Feb 2007|11:31am] |
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Don Rimini Let Me Back Up |
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hi!
so I went to iceland for six days. and I can honestly say it was the most incredibly beautiful place I've ever been. I mean, how many places can you go and say "oh yes, I ate my lunch on top of a mountain whilst looking down at a glacier?"
yeah.
I saw a geyser erupt right in front of me, climbed the youngest mountain in the world, danced in reykjavik at night, sat in a hot tub in the middle of the snow and my trousers froze ahhhhhhhhhhhh it was too incredible.
I wish you could've all experienced it too.
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| irreplaceable. |
[21 Jan 2007|10:56am] |
I am sixteen today.
How fucking weird.
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| this is how I feel. |
[29 Dec 2006|11:32pm] |
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Ryan Adams So Alive |
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I am so, so happy.
You know when everything just seems right with the world?
Well that's how I feel right now.
This year has been...insane. Hectic. Depressing. Dramatic. Consequential. Magic.
I don't even know how to begin.
I met so many new people and became so much more comfortable in my own skin.
Boyfriends came and went but that's not important. Not really.
The girls and boys who've been with me for the past six months are really what kept me going.
Like nails in my feet.
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