i began to think that my problem with guys was my doing. then i had a conversation that made me think twice.

when you like someone . . . to hear that they are interested in someone else other than you is like a giant pin popped this balloon-filled with love that is your heart.

and that's exactly what it feels like. a DEFLATION. because you're so up high with the euphoria of falling for someone and then it's like oomph, back down to earth.

and then it's all sulky and put on the emo music and sulk in your room and dwell over the complete evil of single-dom

and you get gross feeling. it's not quite your heart. it's not quite your stomach. the middle part, like your esophagus, between your lungs but lower than your boobs and its like "fuck you world"

and then you overexaggerated every little sad feeling. like you'll never find anyone. and you'll never be happy with anything. but you want to. and it's like finding that someone is the most important thing in the whole fucking world, even more than air and food and water, but it feels like it's not possible, like it will be consistently stuck in your dreams but won't ever form into reality. and that fake realization makes you sink even lower.


and you feel tired, mentally and physically. and each note ringing from the music playing is gorgeous because it's like the only food that satisfies you. the words just fit and they heal, but only so much.

it's not. boy. girl.it's both. that's just your mind falling back to reality where life doesn't have a hollywood ending, a happily ever after. life isn't a fairy tale. and that realization fucking sucks like nothing else in this world.

but tomorrow, after a sleep and the clouds in your mind begin to part, you sort of realize that life isn't THAT bad and though you feel shitty about knowing that someone's not ready to die for you, but you know life goes on. and there's another day. and another boy or girl.


and after that sleep, it's relieving to know there's another chance. but it's sobering to know that the person who had you floating in the sky isn't perfect after all. if you think you're alone you've never been more wrong.

because that's me. that's you. and that's everyone else out there who still doesn't have someone to call their own. and you can be starving, you could even by dying, but to know that you're alone . . . hurts more than every bad feeling in the world combined.

all those terrible emotions are like black clouds hanging over your head. and the simple knowledge that there is one person in the world of the opposite sex sharing those exact emotions is like a tiny heavenly light poking through those black clouds


love
erica<3