_torrid

i feel horrible. god, will you help me lean on you? i realise i can't do this on my own. the friends you give me have blessed me abundantly, but they can only spare that much time and be that patient with me. in any case YOU should be my one and only foundation. help me to turn to you, to trust in you, your grace and your mercy. like mark says, whatever door you open to me, it will be good because your will is always good. man tires, man gets restless- but you god are never ceasing and you always provide. thank you god for not punishing me yet for my pride and self sufficiency. i just ask for your forgiveness. help me to open my heart totally and surrender it all to you. in jesus' name i pray, amen.

when anxious thoughts multiply within me, thy consolations delight my soul- Psalms 94:19

i sit in a haze of medicated oil in the hopes of soothing the throbbing sensation in my head. the headache stems from the shoulders. It moves- a jolt of pain up my neck threading to my temple. its caused by the neanderthal slouch i've developed pouring over books at a dimly lit table. i feel like i've studied for hours, more than i've ever studied in my life. my eyes are tired. i'm exhausted from the effort and worst of all, i don't feel comforted by the effort i'm putting in. for some irrational reason it doesn't reassure me. i worry. 10 more days. tommorrow it'll be 9. the clock keeps ticking.

i need to remind myself. its only an exam. so i read the bible, pray and skype with my family. i want to get out. it was such a pretty day today. i opened my curtains and windows- it was the closest i could get to the sun.

i'm just tired. i'm so butt tired i can't even worry anymore. :(

'to sin even as he lavishes each breath on us'

dear god, help me not to rebel against you. help me to remember your mercy and lovingkindness everytime I am tempted to sin. i want to love you lord, and to live a life worthy of you. in jesus' name, amen.

psyche up bobo! stay awake! public law can't be THAT boring.

on a happier note, I have new music to listen to. It wasn't free, but it is goood schtuff.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cr0C0ExEJyo (gary moore)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xs7tUAXZVTw (enchanted)

I like being busy. I like being challenged. For some really warped reason, I have this sado-masochistic tendency to overload and stretch myself. It makes me feel like life's fufilling. Immersing myself into my music gives me a sense of satisfaction I can't get anywhere else. Dancing makes me feel, if at least for a brief moment, like I'm high just without drugs. I shed my inhibitions, have a truckload of fun. But when the day is through, the people are gone and I'm alone in my room- everything starts to strip away.

Why don't you improve at anything? Shouldn't you put in more effort? Other people do.
Scatting is supposed to be on your agenda. You haven't done nothing about it.
Don't forget God, or your family- shouldn't they take more priority in your life?
The musical might not turn out well. It is after all only 6 weeks. The cast is inexperienced, and the stage an utter disaster.
I lack friends who share my musical interests and tastes. I miss my band mates, the ones I knew well enough to bother on a regular basis and boss around during practice. With the RCM students I have to worry about leaving an impression. I can't afford mistakes- after all, I am only an amateur while the rest of them are real musicians.
I feel so bloody alone in this, even though I factually know I'm not.
Whatever happened to studying? Isn't that supposed to be your primary focus?

Maybe I'm just exhausted and being strange. Or maybe its just because I'm resistant to change. Ah, what the hell anyway. I just need to remember I love what I'm doing and that's all that matters. Glorify God with your talents Debra. And get some rest.

I am really truly happy, and its so hard to ever experience such true euphoria I had to pen it down. Today has been one of the greatest days- musical rehearsal in the morning involving the 2 things I love best: performing/singing and rubbing shoulders with people who love doing it as much as I do. Jean and Ian are such an absolute joy to work with. I love them very much even though our time together is short.

I also tackled the annoying task of cleaning my room. Its been bugging me for ages and ages now. I got back and got overwhelmed by the rushrush of exam preparation. My room's been collecting dust bunnies, it was disgusting. Everything's all nice and clean now- all there is left is to file my loose notes. yay!

Tonight was also one of the most fun nights ever spent in london with my hall mates. The arrangement was simple- a simple chinese dinner at leicester sq followed up your regular does of aimless wandering before we ended up at fox on a hill for a pint. The company was excellent, the talk amusing and although hours were spent out of the house, I didn't regret it a bit.

Thank you God, for making my day such a well balanced, relaxing one. I am grateful for the friends you've given me and the talents you've blessed me with. Help me never to forget you even in my moments of enjoyment. Amen.

For what its worth, even though my readership is like... i don't know. countable on one hand?

livejournal.com/users/jackandqueen

coming soon, for the interested fashionistas. :)

Its one in the morning and despite my protests that I don't suscribe to all this superfluous nonsense about new year resolutions and what not, I still succumb to peer pressure. Here's how 2007 went for me as a whole. OR rather, here's what selectively comes to mind as I reflect about the year.

In February
- Onslaught of applications for UK universities, even though it is way past deadline. I admit this was only done with much reprimanding from my parents. My ego is battered from my JC experience and mediocre grades; I feel completely insecure. My parents teach me a lesson I will always carry with me- the world never waits for laggards. I'm devastated that I disappoint them by running away instead of facing the world. Aren't I supposed to be the sensible one in the family? They accuse me of shortchanging myself. I am guilty and remorseful but it seems too late.

I begin teaching at SN! Relief teaching helps me wile away time and I experience the cheap thrill of earning my first dollar. To say I didn't learn much in the cozy confines of SN would do my time spent there severe injustice. I believe I take away practical life skills and if anything, recap my lit knowledge to a certain degree. I leave in March
though, with a huge sigh of relief despite my reluctance to part with the 14 year olds I've grown fond of. The girls' unaffected, easy display of affection especially impacted me, lighting up an otherwise monotonous job. On hindsight, I hope they all learn a little somethingsomething in my time spent there. Even if it was something as redundant as 'choose option c, if all else fails'.

In March
Praise the Lord! I get into Kings College London even with my purported 'criminal record' and tardy application. God's blessings are abundant: I also gain entry into NUS and SMU law school. From suffering a deficit in choice, I now have the luxury of picking and choosing as I please. The process and tiresome internal debate if I want to pursue a degree abroad begins, but I am still deeply grateful.

In April
The high(low?)light of this month would have to be my first breakup. The boy was a sweet one, the first I (for some strange reason) consented to committing to on a long term basis. What we had was most definitely unconventional, perhaps even queer in the eyes of some of our mutual friends- but that didn't matter. I felt what we had then was good. The circumstances of our split caused me a lot of heartbreak: I felt I'd shot myself in the foot for choosing the glamour of an overseas education over him. There was a lot of self-questioning on my part especially since we were (un)fortunately also best friends. The ambiguity and uncertainty of our status post breakup on certain occasions nearly killed me. In fact to date, because my affection for him never wavered, it still does affect me, albeit with much less intensity. Anyhow, the month was spent with a lot of tears shed and futile attempts at distraction. But in the end it was only in the light of this challenge that I realised how much my family and friends meant to me and vice versa. I daresay I came out of the ordeal a more resiliant individual. If not, I have succeeded in the art of brainwashing- if you tell yourself you'll fall out of love with someone enough times even when your heart doesn't concur, you eventually believe yourself anyway. (:

In May
Birthday celebration! The biggest party I unashamedly threw for myself. Although the theme party didn't quite turn out as planned, it was good to spend time with the people I love the most- 13A, jazzies and chorale mates. I felt treasured and blessed.

In June
Euro trip with momma. The time we spent together taught me a lot about what makes my mother tick. Our relationship improves. I realise she's not as hard a woman as I make her out to be. That when she's angry, yes she can be unreasonable, but that's only human. She's actually a very selfless, disciplined lady I am very proud to be the daughter of. I think also my growing up made a difference.

Ridiculous amount of time to spend waiting for university to start. Most of the time was spent reading copious amounts of books in an attempt to be, if not 'feel' well versed.

In Sept
Going to london! I leave Singapore with an entourage of people to send me off at the airport. I am exceedingly touched and grateful, but no tears are shed this time. London turns out to be a lovely cosmopolitan city- quainter, and less efficient than Singapore, but I still fall in love. Being alone subconsciously changes me- I am still in the midst of self discovery. God has also been faithful, providing me with lovely Singaporean christian friends and international ones. I find my life is pleasantly balanced because the workload is so much lighter. I dance, I sing, I study, I go to church, and I participate in community projects. I am glad that with much prayer and advice from people I love, I made the right choice for me.

In December
Coming Home! The exhileration of coming back to a place I am familiar with is numbing. Coming back helps me better appreciate the things and people I used to take forgranted. I realise friendships stay constant, so my worries about losing contact with people were unfounded. All the same, my favourite overused phrase becomes, 'how're you' in the really, HOW ARE YOU sense because I'm so out of touch, I don't know how else to prompt people to begin and I genuinely care. When I'm in large groups, I like to just sit in the middle of the going ons and just bask in the familiarity of how my friends chitchat, bicker and tease each other. All is well and right in the world. :)

So all my army mates have gone to bed, my girlfriends are up reading mckenzie law books and what not and I don't really want to be a source of distraction. My headache won't let up, and for some logic defying reason staying awake has made my temperature drop a little... thought I'd muse a little online.

Packing my room and suitcase is lending some sense of finality to my leaving. Seeing my life as I know it compressed into 3 twenty-three kg bags is slightly depressing. I'm avoiding looking thru my ex-box (haha, yes I have an ex bf box of mementos), old presents and plastic bags full of letters from my friends cuz I suspect it'll lend to some seriously sentimental, emo moments I hope to delay as long as possible. But then again, I've been numb for so many months, it might affect me less than I anticipate.

Maybe getting upset every other night in the not so distant past was just a phase, as daddy calls it, but I haven't hit a trough in a long time. Its quite refreshing but scary really- everything nowadays is just water off a duck's back. Not that I don't get sad, I do. While watching 881 with jules the other day I must've cried what, 5,6 times as the idea of leaving everyone behind conveniently struck me. I'm reminded too about the changes I'll undergo post my leaving Singapore as I see my closer friends slowly drift off because NUS is so incredibly time consuming. That makes me morose. And I still miss him time to time. But point being I'd get over the feeling in a matter of minutes. Maybe my emotional quotient has been magically rewired after all that's happened, or it could be an unconscious effort on my part to learn to be more emotionally independant in preparation for london. Whatever it is, I suppose its a shift in perspective for the best, and I should embrace it. Still... sometimes I miss the old me. :\ I've always has issues with change, ohwell.

Even as I prepare to leave, Mom suggests I also start setting meself some goals to tide me thru the university years. She's probably right- in all likelihood (ala JC fashion) I'll study much less than recommended. I need to know myself better: Saying I want a second upper or more is peanuts. But I know that means consistent work, discipline and focus cuz I'm terribly lousy with cramming. I guess I should start motivating myself, raring up for hard work and intellectual challenge, albeit not at the expense of the overseas international experience. Speaking of which, I've not even thought about how I'm going to make myself a more holistic individual, or what cca to join. :\ Hokie, mental note to self: start gearing back into school mode.

On a lighter note, I've actually been having a good time with family and friends. I suppose I'm starting to appreciate what I'm going to 'lose' as london loometh. A picture paints a thousand words (Michael learn to rock!) but photobucket is craplousy so links for those who haven't already been sucked into the vortex of facebook!(: Sans photos from my sleepover with jules, cuz she's not sent them to me yet. :(

Bangkok
Discovering Haji Lane
SN voice girls reunion
Ballet Under the Stars 07

I love it when he

pays me short little compliments when I least expect it. Just a 'you look lovely today sweetheart' does me in.
wears colonge. And I catch a whiff of it when he leans in to whisper something in my ear.
lets me rest my head on his lap, strokes my head and sings me to sleep when I feel crabby.
moves closer to put a stray lock of hair back in place.
holds my hand when I'm scared, or when we cross the road. Because I'm useless at jaywalking.
kisses me on the forehead, cuz he knows I'm too much of a prick to try anything more.

I'm such a hopeless romantic- but 3 years alone shouldn't be so bad, will it?