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i cant really figure out why exactly i still have a livejournal or even a myspace. up until six months ago, myspace seemed a necessity. i felt it was normal and completely okay, not weird, to have a myspace page. to go on and look at my friends and get jealous over things and type up snyde cutting "blog" entries, hoping the person in that moment i disliked would read it and get mad. usually id just delete them before anyone could see because id come to the realization that it was completely asinine and i would only get fired back at and get even more angry. so ive been toying with the idea of deleting both. well, at least myspace. livejournal, youve been a good friend to me, through thick and thin ive written in yr little boxes and i cant really feel okay about cutting you off completely. at one time, you were how i knew what was going on in my friends lives. cryptic messages written on my friends pages...who were they about? me? anyone i know? at a time, people i barely knew were on here (even still there are a few) and i could see all about a life in other countries, states, etc. but now i just get pages and pages of garden pictures which just depress me because mine failed so miserably. other than that, the random friend who will update some sad complainatory entry, which just makes me feel sad anyway. i do it too, we all do it, livejournal, you are my free therapist. $0 an hour and really quite effective. i wish i wouldve kept all my different livejournals through the years...heartoutlines, plasticfashion, amii, jeesh i couldnt even tell you all the different goofy names ive taken as my own (plasticfashion?!?!?!!?!!!!). i think the journals would make a good book, honestly. i think all our journals would make a good book. just a look through the years. unfortunately, i wanted to forget a lot of my years. i wanted to start fresh so many times, and honestly, im kind of glad i did get rid of them. i dont want to read about how i was sleeping around, doing cocaine, getting wasted and falling asleep on toliets, hating on people i didnt even know, being a lesbian, hanging with scumbags i dont even know anymore, pining over people who could care less about me or maybe even someone id never met. gosh i was a weirdooooo. those years are gone, those years are unaccounted for. im glad the drinking and drugging and driving and thriving and smoking and choking and fucking has somehow erased half my memory. i cant remember half of my life really! i cant really remember people i knew. i went to whole foods yesterday and this girl told me we grew up together. i dont remember her face. not even a little bit. maybe i should take some rosemary oil and put it under my nose and maybe it will jog my memory. doubtful. no no no, i need to forget most of that. i need to forget begging for love and drugs and acceptance and being willing to do anything to get it. i need to forget all that. that life has been put away, that life has been saved from a ditch, that life has been bought with a high price and it is being healed. i dont even like joking about all of that. its almost not funny anymore. wow...all this livejournal and myspace talk led to this. see livejournal, you really push me to spilling my guts all over yr computer boxy heart.
anyway, myspace, myspace, myspace, you are just hateful and i think its time you go. but then how will i spy on everyone?! how will i see what you are all doing?! haha. maybe it doesnt matter to me now. maybe i dont even care what yr doing or who you are or if you talk to my boyfriend. maybe those days of caring so much are fading fast.
no matter. ive got a life to live now. farethewell.
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_tonguetied's journal