First and foremost -- GOD PARTS OF THAT MOVIE WERE DULL. The title card with the painfully slow-revolving moon to reveal "new moon" (backwards, so that I had a good 2 or 3 seconds to lol at 'oon') pretty much set the tone, I find.
Also, RPattz and KStew acting together is like... like... I don't even know. It's like watching kids in seventh grade drama read their lines off a page except they can only sort-of read so they take about two or three minutes to actually complete each line, with lots of stammering and mumbling. KStew does this weird blinky thing all the time, she constantly looks taken aback, and RPattz mumbles and talks through his teeth. I haven’t really seen them in other roles so I don’t know if it’s just bad directing/source material or if they’re legitimately godawful, but holy crap. Edward and Bella were as exciting as watching paint dry in the books, and in the movies omfg, I don't even. Did they really date in real life? If yes, why is their chemistry so nonexistent on the screen? All of their scenes together are like:
So anyway one of the first scenes is them in English class watching some old version of Romeo and Juliet and because they are BAD INFLUENCES DISRUPTING THE CLASS (lol, and everyone else seems to be super attentive, too -- Asian Kid cries) they sit there talking. And Edward's like, "MAN, I'M SO JEALOUS OF ROMEO!" And Bella's all, "why, because Juliet is hotter than me? IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S HOTTER THAN ME ISN'T IT!!!" and Edward's like "No, because humans can kill themselves so easily and I am Ancient and Forever!" And then he lists ways to kill yourself and tells her about his own suicide contigency plan, which is Plan Sparkle To Death. Omfg, I don't even know. I'm pretty sure this basically happens in the books anyway, but I've mostly wiped the books from my memory and seeinig it on screen complete with the stellar acting really hit it home. Do Edward and Bella ever have fun together, jw, or do they just sit around gazing and talking about their crippling insecurities?
So the whole time Lis and I were just like
And then he breaks up with her and ditches her in the forest and she wanders around for a while, and the whole sequence of Bella angsting is ust as painful as I remember it being in the books, where "painful" means "dull and tedious" rather than "compelling" or "well done". They did the blank-pages-of-angst thing by having Bella sit in a chair while the camera revolves around her really, really slowly and the seasons outside the window. It's basically like this:
Eventually we see a bit more of Jacob and there are occasional cameos from Bella's human "friends" (aka the poor souls she deigns worthy of her presence only when there are no more interesting supernatural creatures for her to be around), and those were probably my favourite parts of the movie. All of Bella's human friends are like fifty times funnier and more interesting than any of her vampire buddies. Face Punch was a legitimately hilarious scene.
And the Jacob/Bella stuff was pretty much how it was in the books, which is to say "more interesting than watching her interact with Edward". It almost even develops naturally! I've never cared enough about this series to care about ships, but I just don't understand Edward/Bella. So the middle of the movie carries on and it’s kind of interesting for the most part because Jacob and Bella occasionally do things like smile or talk about stuff besides how in love they are, and the humans are awesome. And every so often Bella does something retarded so she can hallucinate Edward. There’s a good one where she first does it, where she rides a on the back of a motorcyle with a total stranger while Edward repeatedly goes “NO!” or other similarly helpful advice. It’s pretty much a series of scenes like this:
Blah blah stuff happens werewolves exist etc. I think one of my favourite parts is when Edward calls to see if Bella’s dead and Jacob’s all “CHARLIE IS ARRANGING A FUNERAL” and it cuts to a shot of Edward in some hovel of an apartment in the dark in a ripped shirt with the glowing Christ the Redeemer in the background. He makes an Angst Face and then CRUSHES HIS CELL TO DUST IN HIS HANDS. God it was awesome.
Volturi, angst, etc. I think the bit where Bella stops Edward from sparkling to death is probably the first/only time in the entire movie that RPattz smiles, just saying. What a happy couple. The meeting with the Volturi was pretty dull, because in Twilight even Italian vampire mafias are boring as hell. Dakota Fanning gets her Crucio on, stuff happens, there’s some slow-mo matrix fighting.
All of this is unimportant because suddenly we see THE BEST scene HANDS DOWN. Michael Sheen is all “OMG SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH WE SHOULD KILL HER LOLZ” and Alice is like, “BUT SOON SHE WILL BE SPARKLY LIKE US! I’VE SEEN IT! I’LL DO IT MYSELF!” And it cuts to Alice’s ~vision~ of the future.
AND IT IS A GODDAMN CALVIN KLEIN AD. EDWARD FROLICKING IN THE FOREST IN A VEST WHILE BELLA RUNS BESIDE HIM AND TOGETHER THEY SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT. BASICALLY IT’S LIKE THIS, WITH THE PART OF BELLA SWAN BEING PLAYED BY WOODLAND DISNEY CREATURES:
GIFS CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN IT. MY ENTIRE THEATRE WAS LIKE
The second the forest frolicking scene becomes a gif I want someone to let me know immediately.
Anyway they go back to Forks abruptly and Edward is creepy s’more. They do the family vote on Bella’s vampireness and then they have a few more conversations about souls. By this time it was like 1AM and RPattz and KStew were acting off each other again and I was just like
Eventually Jacob shows up and angsts and they foreshadow Eclipse a bit more and it ends on Edward’s “WILL U MARRY ME?” while KStew blinks and looks taken aback. As soon as the screen went black and the credits started I was pretty much like
In sum, it was kind of the movie equivalent of tl;dr. There was some interesting stuff in the middle but it was framed by such boring shit I didn’t even care. The lulz were not abundant enough.