im looking up AA meetings and im sick to my stomach, i cant believe i really let myself fall this far down...




id appreciate no hate mail of how shitty a person i am

I did a goth type photoshoot a few weeks ago with my friend amanda, it was really fun i think they turned out super cute =)
( photoshoot )

so im crying right now for the first time in a while. Ani just called me and was bitchin about everything and talking about how important kujo is to her and how she cant lose him as a friend and she always talks about how kates her best friend and they hangout like everyday and all this other shit and i feel so fucking alone its ridiculous. the only people i talk to are my ex boyfriends who are trying to fuck me and other dudes that are trying to fuck me. my other best friend is in rehab and ive been trying to get in contact with her mom to meet up for a long ass time now and i wanna find out if i can write her or go to see her but her mom never gets back to me. I have no one anymore, yeah there a few people i hangout with on occasion but no one to call and talk to when i need them, no one to hangout with most days, no one at all


my life consists of going online, talking to a million dudes/girls, going out getting high or drunk, going to the club getting drunk or finding random places to go to until 6am

I got a new tattoo a few days ago. It was a random 230 in the morning tattoo at my friends shop. I decided on getting my Buddha Ive been wanting on my foot. The pain sucked sooo bad it was kind of ridiculous, and it was also my first time being tattooed by a male. I cant really compare women vs men artists because different spots hurt worse, the only thing i didn't like about the male artist was he yelled at me for whining which i thought i did really well with considering the pain. After he finished the outline though he said i was a trooper. I twitched a lot which isn't good especially while getting tattooed. Im going back in about a week to get the color =). I have a tattoo on my upper thigh, upper back, and my sternum and the foot definitely hurt the most but it wasn't anything unbearable.

( Buddha )

How many songs: 1685

Sort by song title:
-First Song: fall children- afi
-Last Song: im stickin with you- velvet underground

Sort by time:
-Shortest Song: tegan and sara- bye
-Longest Song: say anything-where the hurt is

Sort by album:
-First Song: numbered days- killswitch
-Last Song: manson saint

Top 10 Most Played Songs:
1. protest the hero- sequoia thone
2. evans blue- beg
3. kmk- where im goin
4. spill canvas- self conclusion
5. tegan and sara- where does the good go
6. kmk- rip the night away
7. bleeding through- germany
8. evans blue- cold but im still here
9. incubus- dig
10. afi-the leaving song pt 2

First 5 songs that come up on Shuffle:
slipknot- frail limb nursery
good charlotte- emotionless
all time low- the party scene
new found glory- coming home
the birthday massacre- broken

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up?: 2
"love", how many songs come up?: 59
"you", how many songs come up?: 160
"death", how many songs come up? 28
"hate", how many songs come up? 21
"wish" how many songs come up? 7

miscelainieous (10:49:28 PM): thats how you see me, you said over and over again i wouldnt shut the fuck up and its my fault that you dumped me
PunkManson (10:49:49 PM): it's the truth
miscelainieous (10:50:09 PM): wowwww i really cant believe i thought you were actually a sweet guy apparently i was jaded
PunkManson (10:50:44 PM): belive what you will



this is the epitome of why i fucking hate the world and everyone in it

so jimmy made it official saturday. we went to wildwood and it was fun but he didnt hold my hand like the entire day or anything like that. sunday i slept at his brothers with him then we spent the whole day with each other and he snapped on me a few times and got really pissy and still wasnt affectionate at all. we had a conversation about smoking and he said he didnt want me to for 6 months then 3 then 2 then the agreement was i was aloud on 420 but after that its on a asking permission basis. I smoked yesterday with my brother then with bob and he flips shit on me and threatens to break up with me cause of that and i mentioned something about me needing affection. he said last ngiht he needed to think about shit and threatened to dump me and all this shit, and as im typign this he just dumped me because apparently i break his balls too much because i ask him to fucking talk things out. im so fucking sick of immature men that try to control me and have anger issues. fuck this shit im soooo done with everything

im spiraling down and i cant get back up =/

I need a girlfriend im tired of men's bullshit
( vanity for fun )

An update on my ever changing ever shitty life.

Mom starts chemo april 8th, her birthday. She has stage 4 lymphoma and its in her bone marrow. So basically if shit doesnt suck now its sure gonna suck real soon. Me and her are a lot closer than we ever were and im glad for it.

I went to mexico with nicole, i missed my mom and everyone every single day. We went with her mom and her entire family. Her grandparents are rich as shit and kinda snobby and i just felt like i was being judged nonstop the entire time. Nicoles mom who i was close to and called her mom was so stressful it was ridiculous, everyhting was a huge deal and i got yelled at more than ive ever gotten yelled at by my own mother. I loved her aunt(married in) she was crazy and was the only one who treated me life family said i love you and bye and stuff everytime and made sure she said it to me not just in general. Nicole was a bitch the entire time and if we didnt do something her way or when she wanted she was a cunt. We didnt get to go anywhere fun or do anything we ate in her grandparents room everynight but 2 of the nights. I didnt get to go into a bar or club besides the hotel bar. Idk it was just all around stressful and vacation should not be that way.

Im halfway through the semester and next semester im going to go to cosmetology school. After I graduate from there get a job im going to go back to camden county to get my business degree to open up my own salon. I decided this in the beginning of the semester and now nicole is saying shes going to do the same thing. I cant stand that i cant have 1 thought or idea that is my own.

Im still jobless and its getting really hard. I still cannot find a job for my life cause the economy is so bad and anytime i ask for money i get yelled at to get a job.

Mike my ex and i had a huge falling out. His girlfriend found out he cheated on her with me and he was still lying to her. I talked to her through myspace and she informed me about really nasty hurtful things hes said to her about me and im just completely done with him, ive never done anything wrong to him but be a friend and apparently it came and bit me in the ass.

Ive been talking to a new guy jimmy and hes a little south philly deigo. Hes a little tough ass and i love it. Right now things are kinda wishy washy cause he says he feels rushed to get into a relationship. We've been talking/getting with each other for almost 2 months now. He confuses the shit out of me and has mood swings like you wouldnt believe. We have a mutual agreement that we arent going to get with anyone else but if it doesnt work out and he winds up not wanting to date me im goign to be really pissed that i wasted a lot of time with him and was faithful even if we arent dating.

I feel really alone right now, i barely talk to anyone of my friends anymore and its really starting to bother me. Ani and i arent close at all anymore, nicole i dont really know what i want to do about. Everyone else is back and forth and definitely not there for me.

I went through the time period where it was nonstop drinking and smoking weed. Now i barely do either and i feel numb which is what i used those 2 things for. I havent cried in a while now and i just feel like a zombie and i hate it, id rather be sad and cry than not have any emotion at all. Im never super happy im never super sad im never content. I really wish i had a fast foward button on my life to just get past this point.

went to a party tonight drank a cup of koolaid and ever clear and didnt feel like drinking, took one hit of a bowl and didnt feel like smoking...this is bad

He broke up with me.



I honestly dont know what to do with myself. I knew it was going to happen but i didnt prepare myself. I need to cut, drug myself up, anything to stop this shit. The entire night his ex girlfriend was following him around and there was 3 girls around him immediately after they saw i was crying when me and him were talking. He hugged me and i lost it. I just realized im in love with him and i never thought i was. I dont know what to fucking do i need to do something, that something isnt goign to be a good something i have no fucking clue what im capable of doing right now

I really need sober friends... not that im blaming me getting fucked up everynight on my friends, itd just be a lot easier to refuse when its not around me so much


I think i fucked up with john, and im pretty sure hes going to break up with me..and i am so numb i have no clue how i feel about that

Ever feel like no one is there for you? No one knows you exist? No one cares if you do or dont?

Ever regret not buying the drugs offered to you twice today?

Ever feel like stealing pills that are hidden in your house somewhere while everyones sleeping?

Ever feel like no matter what you do you wont ever be good enough at anything, or good enough for anyone?

Ever feel like you dont even know yourself anymore?

Ever feel like you hold onto things that hurt you the most?

Ever second guess what youre doing with your life?

Ever feel like no one really understands you?

Ever feel like sleeping forever and never waking up?










I hope you havent EVER felt this way...

My moms has nonhadgens(sp?0 lymphoma, she needs chemo and radiation. One of my biggest fears in life is losing my mom and its starting to happen in front of my eyes. Me and my mom are the same person we both worry until our eyes bleed but i cant show her my worries because she has enough of her own so when im in my house i feel trapped. So im trying to stay out as much as possible but then i feel like an asshole for not being home, and then if i dont sleep out when i go to bed i cry myself to sleep thinking of all the possibilities. My ocd is getting worse, my rituals were caused by the series of deaths that happend in a short time which caused me to count things.


I asked my mom to have a lighter tone of conversation if i could dye her hair pink before she loses it because she never does anything but blonde and since shes losing it anyway she has to let me, she didnt seem too opposed.


Also when she does lose her hair i am going bald right with her so fellow baldies tell me how it feels?

( also because im having a mental breakdown i got another piercing )

My moms a cunt bag, she is still giving me a curfew and shit which my parents both agreed they werent going to do. I hungout with this kid yesterday and we were supposed to do shit and he wound up playing WOW the whole night. Then he said he'd hangout with me today between my classes which i got out at 12 and have class at 520. I called him he said he had to clean and shower i said id help clean he said hed call me back i sat in my car for and hour cause i didnt want to go home and finally left cause he never answered or called. Im really pissed and i feel shitty as hell. I want to go to the club tonight but i dont want to go alone