the course of human life

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-20T01:55:00

2004-10-20T05:55:46Z

i've been thinking about this for a couple days. i don't know how to word it without me sounding like a loser, because i definitely feel blessed for the people i do have. it's weird how the transition into highschool can change everything. everyone said it would, but no one really thought it would. eighth grade was the best year. lauren and i were becoming friends again, i had taqqiya, erin, mindy, and kaylin.. and then just school friends. but it was always erin, taqqiya, mindy, kaylin and i. now, it's none of us, really. i used to have so many more friends, i used to be gone most weekends, hell even when it was just erin, lauren and i, i was always at erins. but that's no more. and i guess that's okay, there's nothing i can really do to change that. it just kind of sucks, because those were some of my bestfriends, we shared some amazing times. DREAMSTREET, hello?! i don't know why this is all coming to me now, 3 years down the road, but it is. maybe it's jimmy eat world, like erin said, it reminds her so much of eighth grade.. and i have to admit that i agree. our first REAL concert, unless of course you want to count dreamstreet :-)

i never used to be the girl DESPERATELY waiting by the phone. i mean, yeah, i used to not do things; because of him calling. but because i KNEW he would, not because i hoped he would.

i never used to be afraid of school, sure i was lazy and just didn't want to go, but i could change that if i had wanted to. i simply, didn't.

i never used to be the chubby girl wishing she were thin. i never used to care about that. i remember eighth grade so clearly, and i used to think that stuff was so dumb.. now i'm not so sure. simply put - i never used to care.

i never used to say things and then regret saying them. i never used to hurt people as badly as now, it seems.

I was the girl who said this to lauren: "i'm glad i got to spend the summer with you, loverface. we had a blast. or atleast i did. school this year will go fine, nothing to worry about. i'm sure of it. look, i haven't been in a year, and i'm doing okay. i had some nervous jitters this morning that kept waking me up a couple times, but other than that, i've been fine, as will you. we'll get to see each other in school this year, and things will be amazing. you'll make it through the school year without going over 20 days absent, i promise. even if i have to drag your ass out of bed, and to the bus stop. just really try and get yourself motivated, i know you can. you have the best head on your shoulders of anyone i know. you truely have nothing to fear.

worrying about school stuff this year just seems so lame, compared to things that really matter. like grades, & not being absent. winging it sounds THUPER to me. we can wing it together.

chorus will be fun, and you know we'll hang out lots.

& don't be sad, things will be fine. & we'll have next summer, you know we will, even if we both are working. we have columbus day weekend, and all the vacations. i know everything will work out for the best <3"

and look where the fuck i am in school. i hate being so sure of my friends and not sure of myself at all, but hey! what're friends for?

gah, i don't mean that in the "i hate hoping you do well" kind of way, i mean that in the "i wish i felt that way towards myself" kind of way.

in general - i hate the person i've become.

comments would be greatly appreciated.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-19T17:17:00

2004-10-19T21:23:29Z

amazing amazing night.
oh, those were the days :-)
finch show. april twenty-fourth, 2003.
me with long hair, and erin in the background.
my sweatshirt that was signed by finch, that i lost!

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-17T03:43:00

2004-10-17T07:44:28Z

god. why the fuck do i let him get under my skin so bad? and why do i have to love him & care about him so much that i can't make myself truly happy? and why have i become so apathetic about everything?

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-16T12:59:00

2004-10-16T17:01:56Z

stuff from my dad's. i can't say i've been busy with school, because i haven't been.

columbus day weekend went off without a hitch. anyone i talked to that night knows that - erin, tiffanie, dan, etc. we accomplished our mission, even though we didn't think we would. lauren could only get 5 smirnoffs a whole bottle of red wine, and some white wine. the wine was awful, and we all thought we were going to puke it up. the smirnoff however, was a nice alternative. lauren and i got drunk off our asses, and lisa just passed out. psh, loser. lauren and i ended up puking out our entire stomach. i have pictures you'll be graced with as soon as lauren gives me my camera back. sunday we went with her dad to freeport and looked around, it was fun. erin called us while we were there, and we made plans for the evening. got home around 6:20 and erin came over. it was weird at first, having not hung out with her for eh, the whole summer. it was a good time.

this whole week was spent moving, worrying about school, and more moving. i hung out with erin thursday night, and yeah, twas good. we're going to see JIMMY EAT WORLD together, november 6th. amazing.

tonight i'm hanging out with my brother, and my mom is still moving some stuff. i have to do my plants tomorrow though and ugh!

i'm getting dreads next month though! exciting to the maxxx! the girl thats going to do them called and i can't wash them for like the first month, but after that i can wash them once a week, which is close to what i do now. but you HAVE to blow dry the dreads because if not they can get really really really dirty. EXCITING!

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-15T23:09:00

2004-10-16T03:13:38Z

i talked to AARON GILLESPIE (!!!) on the phone this evening around 9 o clock. if that name means nothing to you, than you mean nothing to me.

losers - he's the drums/vocals in underOATH.
aka my favorite.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-09T16:51:00

2004-10-09T20:52:42Z

everyone call me on my cellular tellephone! lmao.
207-735-6618.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-08T17:45:00

2004-10-08T21:46:57Z

i miss my mom.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-08T01:21:00

2004-10-08T05:22:42Z

..he called.

i'm happy now, but we'll see about later. the test'll be the nights & if he continues to call.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-07T22:40:00

2004-10-08T02:41:36Z

dad & i just got into a fight, & he told me "i couldn't have it both ways." meaning, i can't live with him & my mom. i have to choose. because my moms all messed up right now, she called us 6 times tonight, & yeah, i can just tell that she's been drinking or something. so, i went down & told him, & all he did was ream her out (to me, since she's not here) & whatnot. so we started talking, & god, i don't even know. one thing lead to another in the course of 10 minutes, & now i have to choose. whether or not he goes through with that, he'll never forgot he said it. so, i was like "to tell you the truth, neither one of you have shown me proof of where it would be easier to live." AFTER we had just gotten done talking about how he's always thinking that my mom does everything wrong, & she's always messed up & messing things up. he replies to me with "OH YEAH, i'm the one getting messed up.." UGH. not a god damn thing i said even registered with him. i'm sitting there sobbing, & all he can do is smoke his cancer stick & make sure who evers playing scores a touchdown. & he's shown/ing me that i'd be better off here? i think not.

i was all "why the hell do you think i'm here now? & not with mom?" & he goes "because you want it both ways." so i'm like "i can't live with you both?" & he replies with a "you can't have it both ways, ashley."

he seems to think this was the easiest decision i've ever made; that no thought went into it. i hate that, he never seems to think i have a brain or something. god, maybe if he'd listen to me for one second he'd realize a lot of the things i say DO make sense - if i do say so myself.

then there's my mom, & while yes, she is messed up right now. she's doing something that she's been waiting to do for 5-6 years. go her. i know her, & i know that as soon as she realizes she can make it on her own, she'll be okay; we'll be okay.

then he dares to pull this "if anything happens to her, i think allen (her counselor), dr. k (her pyschiatrist) and dave (her other counselor) should be held responsible," shit. i was just like "why? they didn't make the decision for her, yeah they advised her to do it, if thats what she thought was best, but it's in no way fair to blame them." & that pissed him off.

& the other thing is that they BOTH only care about the other one. yknow? as long as they can get a nasty remark about the other one in, then they're all set, even if i am sitting there crying.

i called dan, & of course got the answering machine. i started out with full words being formed, & by the end i was choking words out.

with school, dan, my parents, & choosing a place to live, i'm so fucked up.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-07T18:34:00

2004-10-07T22:36:02Z

new journal, yeahyeah, roll your eyes.. huff, puff, get over it! hah.

add me over there if you want. it's still on livejournal.
anyone who wants to add me, add me, and then i'll add you back.

new journal: xwintersetheart!

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-06T23:47:00

2004-10-07T03:48:53Z

tiffanie, do i even need to say who my favorite locaaal band iss?

f
a
r
a
w
a
y
.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-06T17:26:00

2004-10-06T21:29:01Z

treos - the recieving end of sirens are now signed! to triple crown. how effing exciting is that? you've all heard me talk about them, yeahhh they play/ed with faraway, the cadence, all them. they're from boston, and they're totally super. tis very exciting!

look, here!

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-05T18:37:00

2004-10-05T22:39:16Z

new journal - greatestjournal.com/~xwintersetheart.

i'll be keeping up with both, but i needed a change of pace. if you have a geejay, add me over there too!

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-04T23:40:00

2004-10-05T03:42:59Z

you know who you are:
i'm really really sorry about your loss. i don't really know what to say, it's weird when something like this (the death of your friend) happens to someone you care about, especially if you yourself have never gone through anything like that. that was probably wayy confusing, i guess what i mean is, i've never lost anyone close to me, so i have no idea what you're going through. don't wish yourself to be in her place, you're a great person also. i'd die without you here, and i'd have one less bestfriend. i'm also sorry i wasn't around to talk earlier. but i am going to sleep now, because i have school in the morning. email me or something, ohhk?

i love you. and thank you for being everything you are.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-03T16:47:00

2004-10-03T20:48:14Z

davey havok defines the word sex.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-03T16:11:00

2004-10-03T20:25:15Z

new shoes, and black hair. i bought my new shoes yesterday before going to laurens unexpectantly, and i dyed my hair last sunday night.

the big move is going on as we speak. i, luckily, am having no part in it. my dad and i are sitting here, and my brothers picking me up in about an hour. my moms staying here the night, still, but all our stuff will be at the new place. :-\

went to laurens last night, we walked around, bought a shit load of candy, and made our plans for columbus day weekend. i wish we had planned this sooner, and that's all i have to say. i was screaming penis really loudly last night, and making fun of lauren for being so anal about the times she does things. yeah, that sentence is, well, kind of bad sounding, but whatever.

i had a whole long entry written, but then for some reason our power just shut off for a couple minutes, and i lost the entry.

laurens dog ate her shoe last night/sometime this morning. we drew, and colored things and it was a good time. lisa made a really good joke about lauries mom, and everyone laughed. mmmk.

i did all my homework already, thats an accomplishment for me. and i met with my math tutor friday.

yeah.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-10-01T21:55:00

2004-10-02T01:56:39Z

highlight of the day:
romie: "bleach smells like semen."

..alright, so there's 2.
also, my hair is really soft and shiny and healthy looking now. <3

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-29T00:43:00

2004-09-29T04:49:04Z

holy fuck. he called!!!!
he fucking called!!!

the phone rang, and i answered and it was him, and i literally started shaking, like convulsions. omfg. i'm so happy i could scream.

me: be warned, a majority of your voicemails are mine. ..and they're not pleasent.
dan: ....alright. what're they?
me: just, not good.

later on..

me: those messages, are about us.
dan: what do you mean?
me: like, us being together.
dan: oh, how so?
me: just us, being together.
dan: like, you not wanting us to be together?
me: nonononono, like me not knowing.
dan: baby, if i didn't want to be with you, i'd call you and tell you.
me: well, i figured, butt..
dan: but, what?
me: i don't know.. just, yeah.
dan: trust me, i'd tell you.

oh man, hearing him tell me he loves me after a month.
a-m-a-z-i-n-g.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-27T01:32:00

2004-09-27T05:35:21Z

yeah another update, get the fuck over it :) <3

tiffanie [1:30 AM]: it's hard cause if you start crying it's like you're admitting that it's probably not going to be okay, but if you hold it in you can pretend that everything is just fine. the tears seem to make it more real.

how perfectly said is that? huh?

that's why i love my tiff. she says everything i'm trying to say, in a much better way.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-27T01:20:00

2004-09-27T05:21:34Z

"We've got to get better," I said, "It's all in your head."
We could live through these letters or forget it all together
See the months they don't matter it's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Try to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing about

When all that we need is just a reaction
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
If chasing our dreams is just a distraction
I want to remember but I know that I can't go back

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Try to avoid it but there's not a doubt
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Try to avoid it (try to avoid it) but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

didn't care for this song at first. but now i'm in love with it.
it's EXACTLY how i feel about dan and i. EXACTLY.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-27T01:14:00

2004-09-27T05:15:13Z

i hate climbing into cold sheets.
</3

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-27T00:48:00

2004-09-27T04:57:36Z

"...my mom thinks she's the reason you haven't called. "he stopped calling after he met me.." she continues to say. i keep telling her it's the hurricanes, praying to god it's the truth. praying maybe it REALLY is the hurricanes, but thinking i'm wrong and it's not. god, i wish i could talk to you. i wish i didn't miss you this much, i wish i could continue denying how much i miss you, but alas, i can't. and it sucks, because i can't do anything about it. and i really feel like my feelings mean nothing to you, and it makes me cry in frustration, honestly. i feel like this letter is a complete waste, because i feel like you're not going to care about the fact that my heart is breaking at YOUR hands. i feel like you have no idea how much i feel, in anything, and that you don't really care to find out. oh god, i'm so frustrated with you, me, everything. i want/need you to really take my feelings into consideration. god! you say you're going to change things and yet, you NEVER do. do something or don't. but don't lie to me, or tell me/promise me something if you don't plan on carrying it out. please either show me you care or tell me you don't! i can't handle the in-between anymore. the feeling that my feelings don't matter, god, no more. DECIDE."

just a LITTLE excerpt from my letter to dan.

comments, please?

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-26T23:59:00

2004-09-27T04:03:13Z

my love for taking back sunday has most definately been renewed. their amazingness has just started to creep back up on me.

not going to school tomorrow. too much shit went down tonight/may be going on tomorrow. i'm mad at my mom, even though the decision is hers and i can in no way make it for her. which sucks, i'll admit. she needs the help, and she won't take it. plus - i don't have my books, they're in the van, and the van is at the church, the van is at the church because my mom was no capable of driving it home/anywhere.

my decision on schools as of right now are:
Clark University - Worcester, Mass.
UMass at Amherst - Amherst, Mass.
Simmons College - Boston, Mass.

mass is definately looking to be my home. those are the order of my pick too. eh, we'll see. i have to start filling out the shit for my scholarship through the VA. it's not a question of whether or not i get it, i'm guarenteed it. it's just that it's the government and it could take forever.

hm, still haven't talked to dan. i'm in the process of writing him a letter. maybe it'll actually get us somewhere. who the hell knows?

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-26T01:53:00

2004-09-26T05:54:28Z

oh yeah, tiff, i forgot to tell you!
i got the blood brother's orange vinyl!

..like, 2 weeks ago, lmao.

_tastethescabs @ 2004-09-26T01:45:00

2004-09-26T05:47:28Z

new icon, thanks to the tiffinator.
ugh. i've been looking at colleges for like an hour and a half-2 hours.
i'd really like to major in holocaust/genocide studies. yeah. clark university in mass offers it. hmm.