never out of politeness, like other people

Sun, 03 Aug 2003 10:44:54 GMT

i liked it better when i would go into work and rs would ignore me. when i thought that he hated me. when i would talk to him and he wouldn't look me in the eye. but instead i go in to help him and he walks behind me and later says "i'm not going to tell you but i walked behind you and i saw the way that every guy's head in there turned to looked at you and i hated it." and i liked it better when he didn't sweet talk me and i liked it better when he didn't treat me like this be'cos i could treat my feelings as one sided. it's easy to have feelings for someone else when they are unrequited or you think they hate you but now when i whisper his name over and over there's potential and all i want to do is be faithful.

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 20:34:56 GMT

i feel so vulnerable right now. i have never put my feelings out so openly into the path of another. i've hurt this boy so much that i can't expect anything else out of our relationship -- except this time he will hurt me. every inconsistency in his behavior tells me he is ready to leave me even though i know (assume) that must not be true be'cos he tells me he isn't. i feel like cutting myself again but it's weird be'cos other than my high anxiety i am purely happy. but happy and wrongly suspicious do nothing good to curb my fear.

today is a year from the first time i saw rc after the absence of six months while we fell in love. i am wondering if he is remembering this date -- he was always sentimental and dwelled so i am sure he knows in some way or another that this date would have been important to us. an anniversary of sorts. he came and picked me up frommy house in someone else's car and the next day we drove to alabama with some friends. it was an instant marriage and a different feeling than i'll ever have again for someone else. that's not to say it's the kind of feeling one should have -- i'm sure it was completely unhealthy but i wouldn't believe in love at first sight if i didn't believe in it with rc.

i hate that this is turning into my loves and lies journal and fuck that there's more to me than what i feel for others.

Mon, 28 Jul 2003 13:46:08 GMT

honesty with others is not progress if you are still lying to yourself.

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 05:41:44 GMT

before an hour ago i thought that God had put a little responsibility inside me. but then i started bleeding and my hopes were smashed. i won't say that i was hoping for a pregnancy fullheartedly but boys will never understand the mixed emotions that a late period can summon up for a girl. thoughts range from: my life is over. i can love a child like i've never loved anyone. i can be a good mother. i will get an abortion. i am a horrible person be'cos i'd kill my own child. abortion isn't wrong. abortion is wrong for me. abortion is right for me in this situation. in nine months i'll have a baby and my life will change forever ... while my boyfriend sat on the bathroom counter next to me waiting to see if my body was two lines or one a few days ago he was only a little tummy tightened be'cos something may have changed in his world but for me i had to wonder what kind of person i was. murderer, merficful mother, loving matron. who the fuck knows. all i do know is that in every girl's heart the moment it is confirmed that they are child-empty after the possibility having been brought to light there is the sinking realization that they are not a mother and a secret longing for said child. i am not a freak for wishing i was nineteen and pregnant.

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 11:06:51 GMT

the idea that i don't have a responsibility to anyone but myself is very dangerous to my well being. as i am sure it would be to anyone else's. i don't think i know more than five people in my life that i haven't used for something. right now i can only come up with one name and it's lucky that the one person is the most important person in my life but should i really show prejudice in that area? shouldn't i respect the people that i love in a manner that i would want to be respected by them? that is -- for their intentions to be selfless and pure in regard to me. i am assuming this is impossible. i am also assuming that selflessness and purity are the same as altruism and i gave up that thought long ago.

the words on this page are forcibly flowery and for that i apologize. nothing here is methodical though and that is my one triumph. anyone who reads this will read it by accident. i don't believe in accidents so maybe no one will read this.

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 04:46:56 GMT

nothing ever changes.