synergy

This is actually kind of scary, I've never had a semi-phone stalker/creep all over me before. I went out to Hunter's club like 2 weeks ago and you know, when you're drunk and just out having fun, you don't really care about a whole lot, so I was just dancing with this guy who was hanging out with all of us and being kind of flirty. I didn't even realize i was giving him a lap dance on the back patio. I gave him my number and this guy left 4 voice mails in a row, one saying how much he loves me.

how weird. and creepy.I don't know the guy for shite and barely said 4 sentences to him.

It's crazy because I never believed that nightmares could be like a crystal ball into the future, but some cultures believe in that, and 2 weeks earlier I had a dream I was being led on by this guy. he ends up saying he wants to cut my throat and I have a drill going into my head, and I wake up freaked out. hmmm, not exactly the same as what's up right now , but a little similar.
I'm not going to let this crap stop me from going out and trying to have fun and dance because i love shaking my ass out there. not this crap or lame bar/club gossip about who fucks who(I went home with a barback one nite, the next thing I know he's like telling people), it's like high school all over again.

other than that, I've been worrying about some stupid crap lately and it really needs to stop. :\

Damn, what's up with all these crazy homeless people today approaching us? i was just out with my friend and two crazay homeless guys approached us on two different occasions, wtf! one of em was screaming about sharks and shite. uh, ok. A few days ago , this guy had a myspace headline that said "Real men eat pussy" so i was like , o god. I messaged him and told him real men suck cock :D . It was cool coz he didnt even get anal about it,he's just all...o I guess I'm not a real man then, lol :)'. mostly coz I prolly didnt really mean it...well mostly I did, haha. but not totally maliciously. I don't want to go to work at 8 AM tomorrow! i'm working at AVIS now...hopefully this lady stays nice, man.

Some days I don't want to wait anymore for that click with a guy, I just want to settle for the next guy that comes along that likes me. it's been kind of awhile since I've been with a guy.

I really need to get that Sweet Escape remix.

I never thought I'd say this...but my local hip/hop/r and b radio station really gets me outta feelin like poop n crap.I still love my hard rock/industrial/other misc. weirdo music, though...I was kind of hoping I'd be alone today at my house or at least go out w/ my friends. I'm not really all that keen on unprepared visits from people but whatever. It's kind of weird how if you really believe you possess a certain characteristic, even if you really don't, you can make other people believe it as well. Sometimes I get so bored that I focus on that and see people's reactions, it's weird I know (lol). I think I'm becoming more and more fond of Starbuck's by the day...I heart the caramel macchiatos, Chai tea latte, and of course...my one true first love. the frappuccino! i love how you can get it in vanilla bean, chai, and etc. and etc...

I feel like I don't mind being single yet sometimes I don't know...I should be used to being single by now!D and I talk about being single and she pretty much hates it...yet we both refuse to cut our standards...I mean, I know I'm willing to a little bit if there's enough connection below the surface.Even then, how a guy looks isn't SO important...to me, sex appeal is...and sex appeal doesn't always come from looks. I've been madly sexually attracted to a guy I wouldn't consider all that hot, but yet decent looking.There's a definite fuckin shortage of guys that are into the same shit as me...let alone ones I feel I can get along with.Maybe that's why I have such a hard time getting over Chris...even tho i didn't know him so well...he's into so much of the same things as me, around my age,really similar personality, and just almost like a twin...his facial features even remind me of mine...and prolly the hardest thing to forget is the sexual attraction.Whatever, I've gotten over guys before...this will just take some time.It'll all pass anyway.

I figure I should just get this all out of myself...I used to write like hella. Why can't I seem to forget about him? I barely even know him, yet somehow I feel something gravitating me to him. I don't think he feels the same though. This sense of guilt is kinda paralyzing...I feel like I screwed it up by acting in a way to put him off subconsciously and I regret it like mad because of this sense of loss...like something i've always wanted was robbed from me...at my own hands. :( there's no one really to blame but me. I just want to get over this and a lot of the time I feel clear-headed and like it's all over and done with. but sometimes it comes back tenfold, like whatthefuck?

ALena called me today and needed to crash here. Couldn't see why not...D is over in Modesto, I haven't hung out with her in like 2 days.

SOmetimes I feel like I'm having minor panic attacks. Even though i'm doing so much better than I used to...I'd like to have more friends around, not that I'm not grateful for the ones I have. I'd be nowhere w/o the ones I have now.I guess I'm feeling lonely lately cause I long for a bigger social life...and of course, a boyfriend would be pretty fuckin cool, too.

I went to the hookah lounge the other nite and wow, there was this cute guy working there. I kinda thought he could be gay, he was way too cute in that sorta nauseating way...but he made it work. I talked with my brother today, we can be civil to each other. We don't have a whole lot in common so I guess it can be kind of awkward talking. SOmetimes I feel like I bore like everyone around me and I dunno why. I wouldn't be bored by me, so whatever. I'm thinking I could be a dull person to everyone but me. =\ Well maybe not everyone ...we're all interpreted differently by everyone. I just want things to be different, yet I feel too apathetic to give a fuck.I guess I have to make things more interesting myself.

OK EW...this guy I used to talk to for a little bit a few months ago decides to comment me on myspace , like saying for me to call him and stuff. I don't get it...i thought he wasn't even interested in me even as a friend so I guessed maybe he had some drama and needed someone to talk to...i'm usually that person people tell their drama to and I don't mind, its cool...I'm used to it...so I call him and he calls me back...we're just bullshitting and he asks what am I up to and says maybe we could hang out later...ummm ok, I guess. he never called back...shocker lol. why do people pop outta nowhere after months, basically ignoring your attempt to keep in touch and then expect everything to be peachy keen? I was interested in him a little bit, so I guess i'm a little bitter. then today, I check my myspace and I get a message from someone else I'd rather stay not talking to...what is up with these people...they need to get outta my life.

this poor old guy got in trouble at work today, eep. him and the boss were arguing about something, I dunno coz it was in indian. thank god that guy wasn't there today that would not stop tellin me how to work the dough, it's fine the way I do it, ugh. I like workin with the freaky indian voodoo guy, he doesn't say or do nothin'. well he does blast his strange music but that's all.

omg, I love hookah. I went tonite to this new place, Hookah nites or something...agh! i forget the name. but at first we thought it was a place that just sold hookah crap but it was a lounge so after I was bitching to D about how I hate downtown at nite *esp on the fucking weekends, ew* coz of all the people pimping their rides with horrid rap, the hoochies with barely anything on looking for dick...it's kinda sad in a way and don't even get me started with the stripe shirts on the guys...attire for looking for poontang. overall, not my damn scene but whatever...being the easy going dork I am, I went anyway...I kind of am glad I went coz that hookah lounge OWNS. we paid for our strawberry passion hookah and went on our merry lil way. so we're just chillin out there, thinkin how cool this place is,ranting about things/people...trying to enjoy ourselves and here comes this HOT dude and i'm like, shit...oh baby lol. but then I saw him in the light and I think eh...not that big of a deal...but still sexy :)

Today i broke a mirror. O.O it was under my dictionary so I didnt see the thing when i put my foot on it and I hear this CHINK and then bam....last nite I saw TCM;the beginning...Jordanna Brewster is hot! and that means something coming from a gay man. this movie was actually pretty funny a lot of the time cause the sheriff is this wise-crackin asshole and a part where the fat lady gets sandwiched between the table and the door , so a lot of the movie-goers were laughing and clappin. God that family is so psychotic, it's not right lol. they eat people parts. ugh. I saw a chick downtown tonite that looked like that Forbidden broad on myspace...cept this chick was even more stick-like. we go by and this black dude starts singing "White girl, white girl, white girl"

I really dont like downtown.

Yesterday i realized this guy at work looks like one of those freaky black magic guys from horror movies...yanno the guys that do voodoo dolls and shit. he even has that intense stare. O.O I need a second job, but there's no correlation between the two. lol. I don't really mind Little Caesar's that much...it beats the hell out of Subway and I dont have to deal with customers craning their necks over my work. PLus, it's pizza! one of the next best things to an orgasm.

Last nite I went out to keep D company at her volunteer thingie over at sisterspirit. So we get there and the chick that looks like she's going to be doing the training, looks like a mean ass bulldyke (she ended up being pretty nice and cool) so we're bullshitting and all that, some gay guys walk by and look at me. I swear now that I've realized being single works best for me at the moment, a lot more guys seem to be checking me out now. Anyways, life is funny. And i'm having a pain in my ass right now, literally. haha. Jenna Jameson is single now, wow. I'm not even going to say the whole stuff about them seeming so happy together because people can act so ya. I was supposed to go to this Tattoo thingie expo today but nope, i dunno what happened. O,O I had a weird dream last nite about Jason Voorhees (AGAIN) and I shot an arrow in his eye and I just tried to keep killing him, wtf? In all these different ways. It's hot right now and I want to go to a bar to meet some dudes. Then again, i dont. o,o it's weird when you have two different dreams back to back, i dunno if i woke up and had to pee between...but i dreamt i was in the woods and saving cats. o.O it was nite time, too. *shakes head*

"Now i aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke...'

OMG! it's been, like, forever since I wrote in this thing. Yes, a fake valley girl moment. yup. OK I met this dude, I thought we'd hit it off but I dont really think we did. :| WHOMP WHOMP At least he was hot,tho. Which is ok, because he seemed a little too wild for my taste and kind of conceited. Wait, a lil more than kind of, lol. D and I were over at the community center yesterday and this guy would not leave us alone, he kept talking our ears off and we would barely even continue the convo so Im like ready to grab a noose right there and then. He was kinda cool but just something about him was irky. o.O It was so cute to see D and her old friend, Markis catch up 'cause he just moved back from out of state and they hadnt seen each other in like 4 years or so. They seemed like they were really bonded and all that, it was so corny haha.

It's been like months and I'm still listening to Kelis' song, 'Bossy'. it just doesn't get old. Tehe, and yesterday I found AA (Amphibious Assault)'s myspace page, and Fallon is lookin hot. She looks so normal now, it's scawey. I guess without bright red hair , that'll do it. Yes, I found out that my neighbors are moving by the end of the month *dances obnoxiously*. I might be going to this Tattoo Expo in SF this weekend with D , I've decided I really want a good, hot colorful tattoo on my shoulder goin a little down to my upper arm. I think it'd be cool, but ya never know. @_@

and what in the hell, I just checked my Myspace and this guy I remember from high school wants to add me, whoa, I know he's a friend of Dorothy HAHA. Doesn't say on his profile but cmon, drama club, seems kinda femme and cute in boyish way (which isnt my thing, I must say lol).

OK, so you guys remember I was telling you about my neighbor chick, standing by her kitchen table with the window open all topless and everything? (as if my gay-ass needed to see tits,c'mon.) Well I was walking out to the apartment staircase which of course, is right by their window and what do i see? That same chick with nothing but panties and a shirt on, but all hunched up in her jelly butt-crack! Once again, immediately embarrassed, I turned away but just as my eyes averted, I see her husband creepily looking out the window and our eyes met....Yeah, I definitely need my own house, like now!

My brother came to visit from Korea with his wife and my nephew, it was my first time holding a baby so whenever it started to almost cry, I became very uncomfortable. After awhile, my tension eased so I started to eventually make the baby laugh by making weird faces, one of which almost made him cry. My face can be scary, I assume! My brother and I got into a heavy disagreements because frankly, I was annoyed with being persistently questioned why I like certain things. Er, it wouldn't have been bad if it wasn't in a tone that conveyed disapproval. I mean seriously, if we all liked the same things, no one would be interesting. Later I apologized because I felt bad so things got patched up. Hmmm, I've been feeling like I need to get some things off of my chest so I made an appointment to talk with a therapist. Very very awkward to talk about things because I usually only talk about my uncertainties with people whom I feel are going through some of the same things as i am, but nonetheless, I'll try . :P Hope everyone takes care. *hearts*

Go see the 40 Year Old Virgin, if you haven't already! It's hysterical, honestly I haven't laughed that hard at a theatre in a long time...or maybe that's because I rarely see comedies and only horrors and shit? Probably, but anyways, I met up with this guy we'll call Martha on here (lol, it sounds similar) and there wasn't really any chemistry from the picture that I saw of him while we were conversing online (totally let him know that since he made it pretty clear he found me attractive, I couldn't lead him on since I've been in that boat before), but I told him 'Hey, you seem nice and easy going anyway, if you want to hang out, I'd love to." Not much to my surprise, we met late last nite and he still tried to fondle me a few times and I was just scooching a little bit away , hoping he'd get the hint! Repetition is key, I've been told, so I did that a lot....

I feel lucky because I had prayed for another gay friend would come about and I hope that we'll still be friends (Cue cheesy, after-school special music). He invited me to this party tomorrow but I'm still considering whether or not I'll go, it seems to be a mix of a little social gathering and um, yeah - just use your imagination (but keep my image out of it, thanks. :P ).

Last night, I was approaching my dad to ask when the BBq goods were going to be done...I got my answer and as I turned around to head back inside, what do I see in the next apartment over in the open window? My next door neighbor with no top on ! May I say that chicks with boobs who have nipples that cover most of the entire breast are really not eye-candy??!! Well, breasts in general on anyone aren't eye candy to me (except maybe Jenna Jameson, she's a different story, but anyway...). Quickly embarassed that we would meet a glance, i turned away and of course, told everyone in the room that would listen. *g*

Such a cute dog!. :P

I just have to shout to the world about my icon journal. I figured it was totally worth opening up a new one. :P

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I'm not getting after people or anything because that'd make me a hypocrite since I'm not thin or muscular either and this is totally true, but damn, mostly everyone I saw today was fat ! I couldn't help myself when we were driving around, I was like, that guy's fat, that cop is fat, that chick is fat....geez! I knew weight problems are an issue here in America but I never actually like made it a focus to be like, hmmm...who's fat that I see?

I've been improving my weight loss plan a lot...I used to do cardio all wrong, I used to think that moderate jogging was wimpy and I'd never lose weight doing that so I would run real fast and be completely out of breath, leading me to assume that I had low endurance. WRONG. I read some articles that I just need to keep my heartrate of 65 percent for at least 20 mins. Jogging gets it up perfectly and it's within my capability.My diet is what I'm working on next, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So Saturday , I was just hanging out trying to weight train since it definitely wouldn't hurt. I've been doing some cardio and to reduce the amount of muscle loss is to weight train. Kinda sucks that you lose both muscle and fat when losing weight, but I will survive - in the name of Aretha Franklin or whatever the fuck her name is. OK, what the hell... I hate random command fuck ups I make when typing and some weird menu comes up. Maybe i should know all these since it's my computer but not yet.... :O

My friend, Goose called me in an upset state and asked if I wanted to hang out, so of course I said yeah. What kind of friend would I be if I said, naw I gotta exercise...peace! Turns out, she and her dad's girlfriend had drama-rama over something, I forget but she friggin walked all the way from her house to the mall to my apt. I think that's pretty far, the amount of miles escapes me at the moment but maybe I'll search that shit later in a map or something.

I thought it'd be a good idea to take a walk at the lake/park for some odd reason, I live one block away from it and I go maybe once or twice a year. My bladder was killing me since it sort of took awhile to walk to the bathroom and when I came back, Goose told me that some freak geese had hissed at her. In my mind, I'm thinking... I really dont believe you...but later I walked by a huge one - it turned its head, opened its mouth to lift its tongue and went SSSSSSSSSS! Pathetically, it was sort of intimidating since it took me by shock...but a good laugh, none the less !

I got a response back from the theme park about some positions opening and they have interviews , first come first serve. Hauling ass as soon as my back gets better !

On a side note, there's this guy who lives one building away and I find him to be the sexiest man I've stumbled upon in real life. Hot damn....

This is amusing me, really.

Wow, I haven't done this in awhile - a huge angry (or just plain emotional)rant about one thing.

( The ties that supposedly bind )

Yesterday was actually a more interesting day. I was just typing at the computer and all of a sudden, this texturey thing came into my eye that irritated my eye like a bitch. I went to the sink and washed it out, leaving my eye looking like all bloodshot like a crackwhore at midnite or something, it was gross. I figured out that the thing was under my eyelid so whenever I blinkity blinked, that thing was touching my eyeball (at first I suspected it was morning eye crust, but then it felt too big and suspected it was an insect. Fucking gross). Over an hour , I was washing it out but to no relief, so i called up my dad to drive me over to the ER. I looked like I had been crying because my eyes were all watery and red, plus I usually dont have the cheeriest eyes all the time. Ugh, irritating. They checked my vision and surprisingly it's not bad. I sat there waiting for the doc and when I came in I was thinking like, "ah fuck, this doctor is cute as hell (had the most gorgeous blue eyes), showin up on gaydar and I'm here all non-ready, lookin gross." He pulled this purple UV light to see if my eye had been scratched at all, luckily no. My eye got numbed with these drops and he inverted my eyelid (very weird feeling) to find a piece of sand. If anyone hasn't gotten sand in their eye, it feels frickin horrible.(I'm wearing sunglasses all the time for sure if I head the beach) Or maybe it's just me because I hate complications with my eye, I love my eyes! Afterwards, it was nice driving home because my dad and I actually had something to talk more about since he had a piece of glass stuck in his eye awhile back. Ouch.

Postsecret.

I rarely do these, soooo...

*stolen from Alana*

Reply with your name and I'll tell you something I adore about you.

Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal.