Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in _sundari_'s LiveJournal:

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
7:35 pm	I think of him the moment I wake up Before I open my eyes I allow Myself a few moments to long for him Then I accept his absence in my life And begin my day. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
12:12 am	That female touch.... At our best, We are love.... ... I drank a few sips of diet coke today after months, and now I'm bouncing off the walls, no way I will be able to sleep anytime soon! ..............So what shall I talk about today? Hmmmmmm, a topic I have been thinking about recently is the difference between the guys and the ladies... In my opinion, guys are so much more likeable than girls (know I'm gonna get beaten down for saying this!). They are so much more relaxed than us, they lets things slide, they don't have many hang ups, they don't bitch as much, they can be alot of fun to be around. & Something that has always fascinated me is.... A guy in love. It always amazes me how this chilled species can be so intense! Now, females just disappoint me.... get a bunch of us together and the conversation will most definately take a superficial turn. Sure it may get human for a few minutes - but this will ALWAYS be subset by three times more superficiality. Topics that are sure to come up are - weight, needing to lose weight, bitching about other people, feeling insecure, looks, shopping, possessions, random comments to make sure everyone present thinks they are something/great/worthy. I won't go on... I'm sure you all know what I mean. In the past I was disappointed that this was my fate, that I was destined to be an annoying female. However, I have recently made an amazing discovery - The ANNOYING FEMALE stage is a phenomenon of the young... an unfortunately long phase, but a phase nonetheless! I get it now. As we get older.... we start to drop those insecurities, we relax a bit more, let the unimportant stuff go more easily.... we come into our own, and we develop that "female touch". I have a few older-than-me female friends, and they amaze me. One of them is Rebecca... serene, beautiful, strong.... & she just emits warmth (like nobodies business!). If she has insecurities, I am unaware of them... she is just completely endearing in her own unique feminine way. She is married to an amazing guy, Sascha, and they together are like a perfect example of what can come from the meeting of members of the two genders who are each at their very best. Now, I myself am 23... and I feel like I am in some kind of transition between the annoying-female-stage and the female-with-the-amazing-touch stage. & I am SO ready to leave that annoying stage. I'm not just saying this - but I've never ever been cool with being the annoying female. Annoying females have this hang up - this thing about having to prove that they are unique and above the rest. For a long time I have truly felt that there isn't anyone better than me, and there isn't anyone that I'm better than. So, I'm so ready to move on... Sometimes I feel like I have grown up before my age. I have never been that much of a party-er, and I sometimes wonder if I should have experienced these things, and the annoying female stage fully too. Oh well, who knows.... & I must always remember that it has been me making these choices and calling the shots along the way. I can feel my transition taking place.... I am doing all these grown-up-female-y things like: - keeping everything completely clean and organised - being completely on top of all my to-do lists - my room is all suddenly a bit grown up with the lighting and layout - I am cooking and experimenting, shopping at Fresh & Wild and organic markets... to the point of feeding other students on my corridor with my creations! - I suddenly feel this need to eat my meals with the table dressed, haha - I have taken a huge fancy to linen spray, pillow spray and vanilla room spritz, hahah! - I sit around in dresses and feminine-type-pyjamas all day - I just don't really give a damn about what other people think, and don't feel like I need to prove a point to anyone (just sometimes I feel like I need to prove to myself/my past a point still!). I seem to be taking a huge interest in discovering myself these days & have this acceptance about myself... - I just feel this incredible warmth & love towards people... and this humanness that I cannot explain, it's different from when I was younger. Actually the list above is quite silly (heh), I can't explain in words what is actually is happening in this transition... & You know what, guys absolutely love those with the female touch... I have had this conversation with quite a few guys, and they ALL were saying pretty similar things. They lovelovelove when we let go of our insecurities and channel all that energy into accepting ourselves and others... and loving (because at their best, females are love). One of my friends said something pretty funny... "I just can't get enough of that feminine lavender linen spray shit!!!"... hah. And, ladies you know it's only those with the female touch who use lavendar linen spray! ;) So, anyway the point of this post.... I'm not sure? All I can say is that I'm glad I've discovered my next phase.... :) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Shelter - Ray LaMontagne (Comment on this)
Friday, May 26th, 2006
5:51 pm	Who are you... ? & So the obsession continues, haha... :) Yesturday, I bought the "I wish you love" song from iTunes and have had it on repeat since.... the play count is 108! (I have this problem with playing out songs I like... it's like a disease) It is interesting how one scene/ song from a film can set off a whole complex thought process & change in me. I've been thinking about how "with my best, my very best" I can set free so many things... so many friendships that have gone "wrong" - people I am no longer in contact with because we have had fall outs etc. It is amazing how many people I can count that I am no longer on speaking basis with because of these fall outs over the years. For a while, I thought ... God, is it just me? What am I doing SO wrong? But in the few situations I have had with people who have let down their guard (and when I have let down my guard too) and have shared true things that happen in our lives... I have realised that it is pretty human. Shit happens. We all have fall outs... But in this moment of time, it feels so great to say that I honestly & sincerely wish everyone not only the best... but I wish them love... (and blue birds in the spring, and in July a lemonade, hah)... & Talking of humanness... I realise that it is a quality I have utmost respect for. The key to my heart is humanness! I find Medics a most unhuman bunch. I swear, I get so disorientated sometimes around these people... that I don't even know what is real anymore. Well, I have to remember that I made this choice and continue to make this choice to be one of them and be around them (even after hours), and so therefore must take responsibility here. But this insight unfortunately does not stop me from moaning, hah :) It's been an interesting few years. A long long while back, when all the crazy stuff in my life was going down, I was out with some friends... & met someone close to me that I hadn't seen face-to-face for a while. We were out dancing, but managed some kind of heart-to-heart in the corner of the club... he looked at me and said "I've seen that look before...", and I was like "Eh?", and then he said something that I will always remember, you know one of those discussions or moments you just never forget... "You have this look about you, a look of resignation, like a lamb who has just realised it's going to the slaughter house...". I wondered… what the hell do you mean? I remember going home that night and looking in the mirror and thinking to my self…. Who are you? I have to explain here before I go on… I am in no way depressed, and todays writings are just fleeting introspections (sometimes I feel when I write that I am almost setting down in stone this person that I am, when in reality my thoughts change with the wind… guess I dislike being put in a box/ labeled on a few words I write. Okay, explanation overrr) Where was I? Oh yes… well I get that same feeling these days. I was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror yesterday before going to bed, thinking… Who are you? What do you like? What do you love? What gets you excited? What do you dislike? I could barely look myself in the eye. Sometimes I feel that I haven’t truly let go of certain things, and that I have also lost myself… lost myself in this pursuit to leave some things in my past behind, in this pursuit of getting into medical school and choosing this career path… I just don’t freakin’ know myself anymore. I can easily be beaten down. I lose myself in this superficialness that I am surrounded with. What would I be like if I wasn’t aching to prove a point to my past? What would I be like if there was no one around and I didn’t feel like I was being watched? Recently I have been trying to figure this out. I know who you are may be so obvious to some of you who may be reading this…. so not sure how to explain this. I am being so dramatic here, forgive me, but it almost feels like I have amnesia and just don’t remember anything about myself… like I’m discovering the little things all over again. Some of my findings are: I really love going to the cinema. By myself, with one other, in a group – I have no preference… I just like to go. I am the romantic-comedy kinda girl. DVD’s just don’t do it for me, I dislike the clutter of DVD’s and just never get round to watching them …. It’s all about the cinema experience. I love coming home to a clean apartment. I love that feeling when everything is clean and organised… the energy is great. I swear I dream of the day I have my own apartment and can do it up the way I like. I love plodding around in my pyjamas with chilled music playing. I love being around people who are just human, and of a fun nature (not too much seriousness, kills the soul). Of all the people in my life (and I am constantly surrounded by people all day) I can say that only around 5 people are like that. The rest are energy drainers with their overtly-extrovert superficialness (talking about guys, money, possessions, looks, gossip… tires a girl out fast!)…. Okay this is fast turning into a dislike list, hah! I enjoy eating out in restaurants.... seem to be doing that a bit too much these days, where most nights dinner is out! I dislike needless shopping. Would rather not have any possessions – I dream of having all my things in one suitcase which I could just pick up and go. …………. & This is where I run out. Everybody probably has the above with some variation on their lists of likes……. But I can’t think of anything else really? Okay long entry, could go on forever…. Back tomorrow with my ramblings… :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
10:53 pm	My breaking heart and I agree, That you and I could never be... ...And so the writing begins again... It's been a long while since I wrote - I abandoned my last online journal and all the drama that surrounded it 2 years ago. At that time I said "never again", but here I am... aching to write... It was an interesting day today. I went to see the film "Prime" in cinema with who else but my first love. What a strange strange thing to do. There were many beautiful and oh so very sweet scenes in the film... but it is the final one that is swirling around in my head - when he see's her in a restaurant and he scrapes out a hole of the frost in the window and stares at her, and then she see's him and looks back. And there is this sort of interaction - an interaction without words, which is some kind of closure for the both of them. And this most beautiful song is playing in the background. As soon as I got home I looked it up, it's called "I Wish You Love" by Rachael Yamagata. I soooooo dislike it when bloggers post up song lyrics, but guess what, here I am in my first post pasting lyrics.... :) This is where our story ends Never lovers, ever friends Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day But before you walk away I sincerely want to say I wish you bluebirds in the spring To give your heart a song to sing And then a kiss, but more than this I wish you love And in July a lemonade To cool you in some leafy glade I wish you health But more than wealth I wish you love My breaking heart and I agree That you and I could never be So with my best My very best I set you free I wish you shelter from the storm A cozy fire to keep you warm But most of all when snowflakes fall I wish you love But most of all when snowflakes fall I wish you love I wish you love I wish you love, love, love, love, love I wish you love & So, there I was sitting there next to this extremely significant person in my life who I had been so intertwined with for so long... And, I was getting my own closure. Don't get me wrong, I don't have ANY feelings for him in that way now, but there never really was a closing to our relationship as such. In retrospect, our relationship ended quite abruptly and there was not much talk afterwards about what had happened. We sort of just got on with things. Sometimes I just want to ask him... "what happened?"... so many things I want to ask... but at that point in the film I got my closure too. & So with my best, my very best, I set him free. How mushy, haha :) It.s 11.30pm and my eyes are closing on me.... GoodnightSweetDreamsGodBless.... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
4:28 pm	Exams over, in India! Back on the 27th of August. xx (Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
7:53 pm	Damn this layout. And all things computer. And that is all I have to say. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: N.E.R.D. - Stay Together (Comment on this)