Remember it all, every insult, every tear

_suffocate_me @ 2004-03-24T04:12:00

2004-03-24T09:14:35Z

"the sinners aren't the offenders, they are the survivers" -from an Animal planet commercial.

So fucking true.

_suffocate_me @ 2004-03-10T14:40:00

2004-03-10T19:39:40Z

Creation is an act of sheer will

_suffocate_me @ 2004-01-21T14:13:00

2004-01-21T19:05:17Z

"What's the point of just being hurt on the inside, it should bloody well show. Beauty is deceptive, I'd rather wear my pain, my ugliness." -Astrid Magnussen

_suffocate_me @ 2003-12-12T00:40:00

2003-12-12T05:40:42Z

I'll be away from a computer until January 7 or so.
Have a good holiday season.

/fin

"Where was love when I felt like hate? Where was hate when I felt like love"

2003-12-08T06:46:24Z

Revenge is sweet.

The one thing that makes my headache hurt less is the knowledge that someone is suffering much worse.

Rot in peace darling *snort*.

_suffocate_me @ 2003-12-06T21:22:00

2003-12-07T02:23:17Z

"What's the point of just being hurt on the inside, it should bloody well show. Beauty is deceptive, I would rather wear my pain, my ugliness." -Astrid

I never know what to write in here, I just see quotes, I enjoy them and I post them.

I need three black candles

_suffocate_me @ 2003-12-02T02:14:00

2003-12-02T07:15:24Z

I'm back.
Nothing of interest to report

“You can not love everyone, it is ridiculous to think that you can. If you love everyone and everything you lose your natural powers of selection and wind up being a pretty poor judge of character and quality. If anything is used too freely it loses its true meaning.” –LaVey

_suffocate_me @ 2003-11-25T00:13:00

2003-11-25T05:24:03Z

What was today? Today was a realization.

Lets start from the beginning. A friend of mine, a very close friend, died two weeks ago. He overdosed on heroin after a three month long drug binge in Seattle following the suicide of his boyfriend.
Draven was a lot of things to a lot of people, to me he was an inspiration, someone I looked up to. He's had a terrible life and yet remained strong (until he fell in love). He's always been so intelligent, everything that happened around him he analyzed. He was able to find peace in his life for thre months and that peace was shattered by the suicide of his lover, the only person he ever let in.
I remember him saying to me, "Cobain (because he calls me cobain) Don't ever let anyone in, people weaken you. Learn from them, experiance them, but never let them in.". He always had things like that to say, cynical yet they made so much sense.
Anyway, after his overdose I numbed myself, I tried to do what he did, make myself completely unable to feel pain because I thought pain was a weakness. For those two weeks I succeeded, I didn't allow myself to feel, I made myself impervious to the outside world and more importantly Draven's death.
Last night I got my heart broken and thus opened the floodgates. I had a dream that I was in Draven's arms and I was crying about the oen thta broke my heart and he kept telling me it would be okay and that I am too strong to need love anyway( something he would definately say). I woke up and immeiately reached for the phone, I started dialing his number and got halfway through before I realised he wouldn't answer the phone because he's dead. Thus insanity ensued. Mental breakdowns at 7 AM are unpleasent.
As I was laying down after the good two hour cry (the first good cry I've had in a LONG time) it hit me, pain is not weakness.
Weakness is ALLOWING yourself to be controlled by pain. Weakness is allowing pain to take you over and kill you from the inside out. Those of us that are truly strong take pain and learn from it, we take the pain and mold it to suit our lives and our needs and label it a learning experiance. There is no art without pain and there is no artist or creative mind that is not filled with it. Pain, if accepted and viewed properly, can be very beneficial to our growing experiances. So many people feel pain and allow the pain to envelop them, to rape them and kill their spirit little by little. Others take the pain and make it work for them instead of against them.
Draven used to be able to do that but in the end he let the pain engulf him until he was nothing. I only hope that I can take this, the pain of his death, and let it make me stronger. I know now that's what he would have wanted.
So that's all I can give to him, the promise that I will do what he never could. I will take pain, accept it, learn from it and mold it but I will never let it engulf me.... It will be my muse not my master.

/fin

_suffocate_me @ 2003-11-23T22:15:00

2003-11-24T02:15:29Z

We're imprisoned, you and I. Punished for our strength and our independance -Said by Ingrid on White Oleander (the movie... I don't remember if that line is in the book).

It's so true, people that are strong and independant are society's enemies because they have the power to change it. Someday I will be like that.

I am not sorry for my words, I am not sorry if I am offensive, I am not sorry for anything.
Never apologise, never explain

/fin

_suffocate_me @ 2003-11-23T15:36:00

2003-11-23T20:32:52Z

I'm at a point in my life where I really want to scream. I've been getting to this point for a good long time.
Everyone and everything is sending me over the edge and I get mad at myself for letting outside influences make me weak.
Other people in my life, people that I thought loved me and wanted something with me. They make me weak by not coming around when I need them most. My offline friends make me weak because they're the cause of so much of my stress and self loathing. Religion makes me weak because religion makes everyone weak, whether you're involved with it or not. Religion's control on this society makes us all weak.
I want to slap myself for letting them get under my skin.
I want to slap them for getting under my skin.
I don't know what I want.
I especially want to slap 1asphost.com because every si gle time I upload anything to the site it will screw up for the next few days because it's like it can't handle when new things are added.
*grumble*

/fin

hate cradles you.

2003-11-23T06:30:13Z

This post will garuntee that anyone coming over from one of the addme communities will hate me. I might as well stardt out with a bang eh.
Lets start some controversy.

Something has crossed my mind time and time again. I am probably one of the most psycho-possessive people on the planet (yes, I am also the biggest exaggerator on said planet).
Seriously, when I see another girl has a thing for someone I like I have a strange burning urge to rip her eyes out (meow)
I'm like that with Nirvana fans, I don't know why. If I come across a girl on livejournal that states she loves Kurt Cobain my first impulse is to bitch slap her in to next tuesday. ESPECIALLY if she was like 4 when he died.
I've ranted about this so much on my other journal, but this is a new one for ....the same old rants rehashed.
I think it not only pisses me off because I'm jealous and possessive, but it pisses me off because they are the type of people that are only in to Nirvana for Cobain, they're the people that, along with Nirvana, like all the trendy pop-punk bands like good charlotte or linkin park. Nirvana is a cliche'd band to like now. People are more in love with the legacy of Cobain than the MUSIC NIRVANA made.

Anyway, that's my rant for tonight.
See not that bad. I could go on further but the two people sitting behind me in the lab won't shut up and I'm going to walk back to my dorm before I seriously mess them up. No joke, I've been giving them dirty looks all night because they don't understant the concept of library (most likely because before the college stupidly let the mon on the "we need diversity not education" policy they never sepped foot in a library).
I wish colleges still had respect for the the maturity and education of the students rather than "how many minorities can we squeeze in to our campus so we don'r look racist".
It's ricockulous. I'm not saying minorities are uneducated or make the school look bad so don't jump down my throat for having an opinion. All I'm saying is that colleges continually lower the standards for accepting students because the "equal rights ARE special rights" minority activists will be all over the school in seconds saying it's a racist school.
I'm sorry it's "racist" to value education over race. PLEASE forgive me for wanting to be in a school where the students respect each other, I'm SO sorry. I know I know I'm asking WAY too much, I'm such a horrible person, hate me. Hate me for having the balls to tell ti how it is.
If minority students all acted like the few I know that are actually here to learn and take things seriously I wouldn't be this upset, but I've been here for a year & a half and pretty much ALL I have the "pleasure" of dealing with is hearing "OH NO SHE DIH'NT!" and rap blasting down the dorm hallways and students flipping out because the professors *shock* assign essays.

I'm an elitist, that's all there is too it. I hold EVERYONE up to impossibly high standards. I don't care what that makes me. I'm not a racist, I just hate idiots, I don't care WHAT race you are, if you're a moron I hate you. If you have the inability to hold an intelligent conversation in ENGLISH (not ebonics, not spanglish) or if you have the inability to take anything seriously and if you can not show resoect for those around you I hate you. It's that simple.

/fin

this is all you're getting as an intro post

2003-11-23T05:09:23Z

The question of good and evil will always be one of philosophy’s most intriguing problems up there with existence itself. I’m not quarrelling with your choice of issues, only with your intellectually diminished approach. If evil means to be self motivated, the center of one’s own universe, to live in one’s own terms, then every artist, every free thinker, every original mind is evil. Because we dare to look through our own eyes rather than mouth clichés lent to us from so called Fathers. To dare to see is to steal fire from the Gods. This is mankind’s destiny, the engine which fuels us as a race.

Three cheers for Eve.

-White Oleander