do you ever get hungry?

_stfufat @ 2008-08-15T00:13:00

2008-08-15T04:14:12Z

should i cut my hair?

y/n?

_stfufat @ 2008-08-06T03:24:00

2008-08-06T07:25:58Z

I seriously just went from being the most happy hyper person in the world to the most depressed person in the world in about 10.3 seconds.
I hate guys. Why must they fuck around with your head and be so inconsiderate?
I'm fucking done with them going for the hot bimbo's with no fucking personality over me.
Fuck my life, fuck men, and fuck being really fucking fat.

_stfufat @ 2008-08-05T01:21:00

2008-08-05T05:22:04Z

I JUST WANT A GODDAMN PIECE OF PEPPERONI PIZZA WITHOUT ALL THE FUCKING GUILT!!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?!??!??!?!?!

_stfufat @ 2008-08-02T01:30:00

2008-08-02T05:32:22Z

I feel really bad for my future roommate. I should apologize in advance for my mood swings, insomnia, crying spells, possessiveness, and OCD.

_stfufat @ 2008-07-31T11:19:00

2008-07-31T15:26:33Z

Yesterday I had one small meal, overdosed on caffeine (about 14 full cups of coffee I kid you not), took a percocet, went running around in the pouring rain, and went to bed at 4 a.m. I think the whole finally getting my period/ major blood loss that I've been having is making everything affect me 300 times more than it usually would.

Then I went to rehab in my dream and I met a bulimic pill-popper who gave me a fortune cookie that taught me how to say "boobie" in chinese.

What the fuck?

_stfufat @ 2008-07-29T00:47:00

2008-07-29T04:51:14Z

So I am the size of a baby whale at the moment.
August 1st I'm going to start restricting. That will give me 30 days to lose as much weight as possible before I move into my dorm room. I still have no idea who my roommate is. I am not buying clothes for school until like, the 28th or something. Wow, I am a fuckhead for letting myself get this huge. What a fucking shit-show.

Also, I almost got arrested tonight around 12 for peeing in a stop and shop parking lot....

_stfufat @ 2008-06-27T01:16:00

2008-06-27T05:17:43Z

if i see one more picture of me when i was really skinny while i'm in my dad's house i might jump off of a cliff.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-25T20:17:00

2008-06-26T00:19:31Z

my car broke down in the middle of the GHETTO of my town.. in the middle of a 4 way intersection.. no lie.
i got a new tattoo on my ankel.
my parentals hate me.
and i am a cow, but that's not really new news.

It's not a habit, it's cool. I feel alive..

2008-06-20T05:24:13Z

OKAY SORRY ONE MORE THING.
i think of myself as kind of a "pain addict."
piercings, tattoos, purging, cutting, starving, etc.
(not to mention the fucked up one night stands that i get myself into leaving me to hate myself)

i googled pain addict and i got this kind of article thingy and it's so true it's scary.

PAIN ADDICTION

Armand DiMele
Emotional pain can become an addiction. A negative feeling, such as anger, worry, grief, fear, or depression, can become so habitual that you cannot live without it. There are physical as well as mental reasons for emotional pain addiction.
When a person is continuously stressed by emotional pain, there are subtle changes in the body that create a dependency on stress-related chemistry. Changing habitual patterns of pain can be as difficult as giving up an addictive substance, such as nicotine, alcohol, or even heroin. The emotional pain addict unconsciously seeks out situations that are sure to result in pain. A history of prolonged, negative, stressful relationships is usually symptomatic of emotional pain addiction. The feelings of love and pain are so frequently associated that they become one and the same. Loving unavailable people and staying in intolerable relationships, for example, are signs that love and pain have become intertwined. There are many such pain-linked feelings in the repertoire of pain addiction. Understanding the physiological part of emotional pain addiction can make breaking these patterns easier.
The Physiology of Pain Addiction
On a physical level, the addiction is not really to pain, but primarily to free-flowing endorphins that accompany the pain. Endorphins are a hormone-like substance that the body releases whenever a pain or injury is experienced. They are very similar in structure and effect to the opiates, like heroin and morphine. Endorphins are pain-killers. When you stub your toe you feel a sharp pain, immediately followed by numbness, which accompanies the anaesthetizing endorphins. The feeling of numbness associated with endorphin release is not unpleasant and, in fact, can be an almost euphoric sensation. People who exercise vigorously are familiar with this feeling.
All strain on the body yields endorphins. Emotional stress, like physical stress, leads to strain. If the strain is constant, the body sends a continuous stream of endorphins, which results in a dull (and barely noticeable) anesthetic effect. When endorphin flooding is part of everyday life, the senses are actually deadened. Workaholics experience this, but just as in the toe-stubbing example, the feeling can be somewhat pleasant.
With sustained endorphin release you can still feel emotions, but only if they are intense, such as anger, rage, sorrow and fear. These trigger further endorphin release, which can lead to further emotional numbing. And once you become used to living an endorphin-filled existence, it is hard to give it up. With so much pain-killing substance running through your body, there is a sense of security that makes you feel safer in the world. It’s a shield inside the body that protects you from subtle feelings that are more difficult to block, like tenderness, vulnerability, and love.

Changing the Pattern
Once a person is addicted to pain, breaking the habit takes considerable strength. It also requires external support. The unconscious craving for stress and pain drives the isolated pain addict to make decisions that are based on need rather than wisdom. Unfortunately, emotional pain addicts do not usually have supportive relationships. They tend to gravitate towards partners who become a source of pain. Friends, family, and professional counselors are usually the best source of help. It is important that the support persons understand the inherent difficulty of withdrawal from pain addiction. If psychotherapy is used, it is helpful that the therapist be familiar with addictions and brain chemistry. Dynamic interventions seem to be the most effective approaches; they include Gestalt Therapy, the Intense-Feeling Process, and Bioenergetics.
Unfortunately, there are currently no Pain Addicts Anonymous or Pain-anon meetings, so it is up to friends, family, and professionals to help. But their effectiveness is limited if they do not grasp the true nature of pain addiction. Acknowledgment, encouragement, patience, and nurturance are the essential tools. Criticism, anger, and provoking guilt do not help the pain addict. On the contrary, they drive the pain addict deeper into the addiction.
Overcoming emotional pain addiction can take a long time. To the pain addict, a life without pain is completely unfamiliar. There are frequent reports of a frightening void that yearns to be filled when pain is no longer dominant. In many ways it’s like being without drugs after years of dependency. The goal is to replace stress with relaxation, chaotic relationships with supportive ones, and self-deprivation with self-nurturance.
It takes about six months to allow the system to function without the need for constant pain. The work, however, is not as difficult as it may seem, because positive changes are felt along the way. Life is filled with color instead of grayness, joy instead of dullness. Grace replaces tension, and a person’s natural beauty unfolds, in some cases for the very first time.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-20T01:07:00

2008-06-20T05:09:12Z

but seriously, i'm getting uglier by the day. last time i thought i looked decent was about a month ago and i'm def. gaining about 2 pounds a week. yay me.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-20T01:03:00

2008-06-20T05:04:13Z

SO. HUGE. FUCKMYLIFE.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-16T00:15:00

2008-06-16T04:26:02Z

i pierced my nose. idk if you can see it, it's really small.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-14T11:36:00

2008-06-14T15:39:25Z

some guy at the resturaunt askedd me if i was pregnant
i stormed off and brought food to a table
he called me back over and said
"i'm sorry nicole you're such a beautiful girl and you were so athletic but you let yourself go and i'm sorry that's the truth."

i have never wanted to punch someone in the fucking face that bad before
so now i had a hugeeeeeee puke fest last night and i don't plan on eating today

plus i'm grounded for not getting into the car with a drunk driver to go to the house i said i was staying at. my dad used to do cocaine and shit (with my step dad btw) and i'm in trouble for having a few beers.
fuck my life.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-08T00:45:00

2008-06-08T04:45:59Z

Diet pills make me even more crazy.

_stfufat @ 2008-06-02T13:38:00

2008-06-02T17:39:16Z

i cannot button one pair of shorts from last summer.
fuck my life.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-29T22:57:00

2008-05-30T02:59:30Z

since my last day of high school all i've been doing is
1) eating
2) drinking beer
3) having sex
4) working
5) pulling all-nighters.

seriously.
i am SO big right now it makes me laugh a little.
you should see all of my chinssss.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-23T16:53:00

2008-05-23T20:54:02Z

i had my prom last night and i looked fucking disgusting.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-20T19:05:00

2008-05-20T23:06:02Z

FUCK MY LIFE.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-13T15:46:00

2008-05-13T19:46:34Z

taco bell will be the death of me.

2 more days of highschool. thank god.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-10T23:14:00

2008-05-11T03:20:30Z

i don't know what the fuck happened today, i just felt something inside of me completely snap.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-06T22:37:00

2008-05-07T02:38:17Z

give me some items i will need to bring to college with me
i got the basic stuff, but my brain is fried from purging and i can't think straight.

_stfufat @ 2008-05-01T21:42:00

2008-05-02T01:43:14Z

oh my god i just need to get my period and stop eating everything in sightttttttt.

_stfufat @ 2008-04-24T20:28:00

2008-04-25T00:29:03Z

it really sucks secretly hating one of your "best friends."

yeah, i'm a bitch.

_stfufat @ 2008-04-22T06:30:00

2008-04-22T10:33:36Z

yesterday i got my dress fitted for prom. there were these two old ladies working there that were comparing what they ate for lucnch. one was like "2 slices of turkey on one slice of whole wheat with an apple" then the other one was like "mini rice cakes, 17 calories EACH. ha." i felt like i wanted to fight them. there i was wearing a fucking huge ass dress and they're sitting there with their size 0 pants falling of them. i felt sick. the seamstress was nice though. she told them i was more beautiful than the dress and they just giggled. wtf?

_stfufat @ 2008-04-18T09:54:00

2008-04-18T13:54:50Z

i can feel my soul just.. dying.