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October 10th, 2006
04:29 pm - Broken Lady
Our poor Earth is really taking a beating, and it's starting to show - today, which was supposed to be Spring, wasn't at all like it. Twice it hailed - big, marble-sized hailstones, and the wind is as chill as I can remember it. It was more like an English autumn day than a Kiwi spring day, and it was worrying.
And when we were down at the train station, David and I were looking at the sky, and there were all types of cloud - cumulus, cirrus, stratus - all mixed up, going in all directions. It was sheer confusion, and the sun we were in was quite literally the only clear patch in the sky. It's an odd feeling, looking up and not being able to predict the weather for the next ten minutes, let alone the next day.
I suppose it's the climate changes starting to show - Earth is trying to rebalance all the toxins and stuff we're throwing into her atmosphere.
Dhunia, Lady Earth, Earth Mother, call her what you will, she is unhappy, and I can feel it. It's unnerving, and very uncomfortable. When I meditate, I keep getting distracted by the fact that the Elements are far too often tainted.
She's rebalancing drastically, and I think we're going to have weirdass weather for quite a while...
Current Mood:  thoughtful
Current Music: Moulin Rouge - Lady Marmalade
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May 17th, 2006
10:24 am - Because I'm bored, and need to write...
What to write about?
The fact that I'm really rather sick (yay colds... not), I'm bored (the reason I'm typing at all), or the fact that Uni is driving me up the wall?
Yeah, I'm sick. Again. Like this is an unusual occurrence. I'm just so drained lately, that no matter how many vitamins I (or others) pump into my system, the immune system just can't cope.
I just don't have enough energy. Again, like this is an unusual occurrence. I can't manage to go to Nightmare Circle this weekend, because I know I'll just run out of energy on the Saturday evening. But me being me, I'd keep going until the game was over, and absolutely wipe out any reserves of strength I have left. I barely made it through Reckonings, and was running at half-strength for the best part of a fortnight afterwards. Okay, so Nightmare Circle isn't quite such high-energy, but it's the roleplaying as much as the running around. And I have less reserves than I did then.
No doubt to my spirit-problems aren't helping all that much. I've got bits missing out of my Aura, and the fact that it's located about my base and stomach chakras means that my Balance is off, and my Instinct is way out of whack. People are trying to help me with that, but rebuilding/taking back the missing pieces is going to be difficult. And that's the major problem here.
But at least I'm protected. Crystal-gifts, shields and wards repowered for me, and protection-marks in my Aura. Gods, I never realised how blessed I am in my friends - and the fact that some of these gifts are unconscious means that they are all the more sincere. They have promised to uphold me as I seek my path, and I am so glad of their support and caring. The fact that I do not have to constantly watch my back means that I can devote all the more to rebuilding.
And I am rebuilding, slowly. I have to be careful of my energy, monitor when I'm using too much, pull out and rest when it's too much. Even if it means missing out on things I enjoy a lot.
Suddenly the problems of Uni seem smaller in comparison to regaining pieces of myself.
Admittedly, Uni is plaguing me. I can see the results of the semester already: At least two failures, I know. I'm trying, but somehow all the effort I put in is... redirected. Put in the wrong place. Out-of-whack. Again, the chakra imbalance probably has something to do with this. I just don't want to hear the lecture that I know I'm going to get from my parents.
*sigh* I'm expending too much energy and emotion even typing here. I have J-pop songs playing on the computer, which always helps - I've found that having the iPod always there, playing songs I like helps me lift my mood, where I would have had a lot of trouble doing so before. In that, it's worth its weight in gold. I'm very glad that I bought it, even if it was a moment of insanity. :)
*laughs* Oh, speaking of moments of insanity, the 'fishy' conversation came up again, with both David and Ange! :P Will probably see them on Saturday, given that David, Alexcia, Marc, and I are probably all going down to Hamilton for the OWBN game. Yay, the Gangrel shall invade again! :P Though Marc's a Tremere. Bloody Tremere. *muttergrumble*
Speaking of OWBN, the game on Saturday went very well - the greeblies were disposed of. Unfortunately, Wulfgifu being herself meant that even when she took Aggravated damage (which will take me two months to heal), she didn't back out of the fight. And thus she was awarded the Status of 'Brave' from the Prince herself! *squee* And only my second game! Besides which, the Gangrel are all arranged now, we have a Speaker, and we have a commander. I pretty much class MIA as commander of the Gangrel, because while there are those of higher Gen and older, he's got the most experience in the area, and the best ability to take care of it. And he's Scourge (again). *wry grin* Don't deny it, David, you know it's true. So Wulfgifu again has a Pack and an Alpha, so she's pretty happy with life.
Ah well, have nothing more of import, have purged feelings, and lifted my mood a bit, so that's all good. Shall disappear off now, to do work... *wry grin*
Current Mood:  better
Current Music: Children Of Dune - The Arrival of Lady Jessica
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November 26th, 2005
01:12 pm - The Circle of Swords
I had a dream last night.
I was standing in a circle of people, in an open field. It was surrounded by trees. Everyone in the circle was holding a bastard or two-handed sword, in the position of salute. There were about twenty people, many of whom I recognised - Alan, Tanja, Donald, Carl, Adam, Steve. I was the youngest there.
Going around the circle, they each stepped into the centre, and practised a unique kata or sword-pattern. When it was my turn, I bowed, turned away from the circle, and walked over to the edge of the trees - to a graveyard. It was old, Victorian in looks, and rather unkempt. I walked through it to where a statue stood - a statue of a woman with arms outstretched - and in her hands lay a sword.
I picked up the sword, somehow recognising it as Tuning Fork, and went back through the graveyard, with her ready in hand. Though I wanted to set the graveyard in order, I somehow knew that this ritual was more important. I came back to the circle, knowing that the sword I carried was now mine - had been given to me, and was now linked to me.
I saluted, and stepped into the circle. I swung Tuning Fork back up into salute, and began the bastard sword kata that we learned at training last week. I performed it perfectly. Then I returned to the circle, saluted again, and the dream dissolved.
The meanings of the dream have been given to me - the need to accept and revisit things in my past, the need to accept some parts of what I am, the need to accept my friends' support, guidance, and gifts. Given the clarity of the dream, I cannot fault it as anything but a true dream - and I hope it carries truth, for it was a good dream.
Current Mood: contemplative
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November 25th, 2005
04:09 pm - The Erin Report
How goes my life, I hear you ask? Well, here's the complete report...
Social: Good
Looking forward to tomorrow - it will start with much earliness at about 7:30am, then continue through the Grey Lynn Festival with me in Star costume for NZLARPS promotion stunt, continue further with the Battle Day at Cornwall Park at 1pm, then finish after the Berium Guard get-together at Carl's at 5pm. Also looking forward to sparring and game tonight, and the potential of seeing Serenity afterwards.
Health: Bad
Still got traces of the UTI I've had for about a month now. Colds/coughs on and off a lot. And I've been sleeping rather badly over the past few weeks, which is not good.
Employment: Indifferent
I'm tending to end up as 'on-call' for Mecca lately. While this is good for the social and Sword & Shield things, it is veeeeery bad for the bank balance. I'm applying for summer jobs, and have an interview on Monday for Customer Service work. Hoping it goes well.
Relationships: Abysmal
Concealing my life from my family, feeling distant from some friends, lovelife practically the definition of 'twisted'... need I say more?
Interests: Good
Getting to training and sparring for S&S regularly, Mordavia going okay, and all roleplaying going well.
Spirit: Okay
Developing what I can, but the bad health situation leads to lack of concentration and focus. Having some problems with shielding, mainly due to aforementioned.
So I'm just trudging along. Everything's up in the air at the minute, and I'm waiting for it to come down or become more stable. *sigh* I'll get there eventually.
Current Mood:  blah
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November 21st, 2005
12:40 pm - 20
Well, it's come and gone without much notice.
My birthday was yesterday, and I turned 20. I am now two decades old. *winceshudder*
As my younger sister, Lauren, said, when I called to thank my family for the presents they sent me, the first things she said was (and I quote): "Oh, hi, Erin! You're old now!"
*siiiiiiiigh*
Technically I'm not supposed to angst over things anymore.
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
So not happening.
Y'know, I really don't feel any different from when I was 19. I'm somewhat of a kid at heart - those who know me can testify to that one - and I really have no problem with it. Why should I change now that society says that I'm supposed to be a 'responsible adult' now? (And what's a 'responsible adult' anyway?)
Mya. Society's strictures are not for me. I am not normal, I am above normal, and I like it that way.
As someone very wise once said, "Growing older is mandatory. Growing up isn't." And I don't intend to. I enjoy being the slightly-immature, slightly-insane, bouncy, LARPing, has-other-personalities, sword-wielding, otaku-ish me that I am now, and am growing into.
Despite the highly probable disapproval of my parents and former peers, I am becoming a different person, and I have those about me who like me the way I am, and encourage me to become the best I am (not to mention inflicting me with their own personal brand of insanity, which I have this odd tendency to pick up)(you know who you are)(yes, you)(stop trying to look innocent).
This year - this half-year - has been more eventful than any other in my life (that I remember, at least). Even the year in the U.K. doesn't top this, because while that was lots of things happening, it wasn't in my life. In the way I see the world. In the way I am. Being 'pulled through the looking-glass' in more ways than one.
I like this side of the looking-glass.
Many thankies for those who gave gifts, hugs and 'happy birthday's. *hugs*
Current Mood: contemplative
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November 15th, 2005
04:44 pm - Nightmare Predator
Tanja was writing about nightmares today - she had one. I had one quite recently too.
It was horrible - an accident at Sword & Shield - possibly fatal. Someone's sword coming down in a mandritta squalembrato (descending stroke at 45 degrees, aimed for the right shoulder), they lean too far forward, the other person steps the wrong way, and the strike is coming for the right temple instead of the right shoulder.
I have no clue whether or not it was fatal, because the dream cut out when the sword was about a foot away.
The rest of that night's dreams were disturbed and dark - lots of repetitions of the accident, lots of repetitions of the Black Woods game, lots of battles.
Deaths, battle, blood.
Far too many of them were me - or some other part of me, like Star - fighting for my life. Defending myself, defending others. In command or subordinate. Armed, unarmed. Winning and losing - winning the battle, but losing the war.
Those that were not were of me going feral - losing all control to the predator within me, as I so nearly did at NAAMA. Sometimes when I had weapons, some without. Sometimes when there were those who could control me... some without. And I gloried in the release of morals, restrictions to keep me in control - even love had no object. Blood and death the two wings that rose on my back, red and black. I was shinigami - Angel of Death - Loviatar, Goddess of Hurt, Maiden of Pain - Vakyrie, Chooser of the Slain - Death on black wings and with no mercy to my sword.
I know this resides in me... I only hope I never need let it loose. Never choose to let it loose. Never lose control... Deep in me, I know I fear more than anything losing control of what I am, especially now that I am gaining awareness of what I am and what I can do with myself - in both sword and soul.
I woke, scrabbling under my pillow for Azarak - my dagger - before realising I was on the couch at Tanja and Donald's, and Azarak wasn't there.
I hate nightmares. They scare the shit out of me, quite honestly. And the worst thing is, there's nothing I can do about them. The fact that they're dreams is something that you tend to forget when you've just come out of one. And most especially when they involve death - of those you love.
The worst thing is, I've had dreams that have come true. Dreams and nightmares that have happened to the nearest detail.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
I hope to dear gods I am.
Current Mood:  scared
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October 30th, 2005
03:38 pm - KD, kickass fighting, and curry
Well, the exam on Friday was fine. The words just came, flowing out. I think the fact that I'd just had Nurofen Plus (containing codeine) may have helped.
My eye doesn't really hurt - just if I rub it, which is fairly standard. So that's all good. It's faded so that it's just red - looks mostly like a birthmark now.
This is all good, as I helped with a KD display yesterday. Alan, Ang, Porl, Claire, and I went out to Waiuku for a display - a kid's birthday party. It went really well - the kids enjoyed it, the fights were good, and as for the paper-sword battle... :D The kids were being all staunch to start off, but by the time Alan asked if anyone would like to challenge one of the knights, almost all of the kids immediately stuck up their hands. I wasn't actually fighting, just being eyecandy in the green feast dress. All good. I look forward to the next one.
Went to see 'Unleashed' last night with Tanja, Donald and Struan. It was a good movie - kickass fighting, a decent storyline (yes, a Jet Li movie with a storyline), and heaps of interesting bits. I was playing with energy all through the movie, I know - I could feel myself doing it, but couldn't really stop myself. So I came out with a bit of a headache. We had Indian afterwards at a place on Dominion Rd - Haleem's. Lovely food - Nicely spiced but not overpowering, just the way I like it.
Work today, and then off to Chantelle's birthday barbeque, then the Dancer's Promise... all good.
Current Mood: good
Current Music: Stargate SG1 Theme
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_steelphoenix_