_starvingworks

I haven't engaged in any disordered eating at all in the past two days. No scale either which is insane because I used to weigh myself like eight times a day when I could. I'm having a huge problem with eating though. I had supper and was freaking out cause I just ate it. Crying at work too because of food and stupidity...gah.

I'm going to overcome this.... This too shall pass etc!!!

I'm stronger than this and it will be OK. I'm starting to think it might be harder to do this on my own though. It took me this long to get here from FEBRUARY when I decided I wanted to recover for good. So yeah. Help might...help.

Staying positive always!!!!

Wow I'm doing a whole lot better than before. I still have disordered habits but I'm at a normal weight and keeping it steady. I had to cut back on exercise which really blows but it's just more reason to get better and better and bigger etc.

Drinking parsley tea like madness. I think the fact that it doesn't even taste bad to me should say a lot about how I don't associate food with pleasure because of this stupidity. Time to change that too!!! I hope this stuff does what everyone says it does...

I'm doing this on my own and that makes me pretty proud too. Yay positivity.

i would pay fucking anything to have access to a drug that could make me feel the way anorexia did.

I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. I just figured I'd write this here to know that it's my lowest point ever. Even when I was consuming 200 calories in a day I felt better than I do right now. Back then it seemed like I had everything under control and because of that people were all around me. It's funny how people abandon you when you need them the most. Sometimes I just wish I would die. Oh man that sounds awful.

My body image is all distorted. I feel huge. My face and stomach look so fat but you can still see the bones of my spine and ribs. I hate this. Fuck eating disorders. I wish I never started this shit. I just wish I could be normal.

I'm slipping back into restricting and I'm not 100% sure why. The family has been bothering me to gain weight again and I didn't even realize I was losing it until I found myself hoarding food I wouldn't eat. At one point I had smarties in a purse in my room among other hidden food. The obsession with food is getting worse because I'm perpetually hungry. My job leaves me a lot of time just to think and I realized that my ED has a lot to do with trust issues.

For one thing, I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself enough to know when to stop or when to start. I eat methodologically every 3-4 hours so my metabolism doesn't turn off, but I usually eat little at these points. I round up when I eat, adding ten, twenty, thirty, forty calories to everything. I don't subtract the calories I've burned. etc...

I also don't trust anyone enough to tell them I have an ED. I could elaborate on this but whatever... I'm tired & going to sleep.

It's hard to believe I'm in recovery when I still have the thoughts. You know what I mean? Like last night I dreamt that I went in this house and it was a house where girls were sent to recover but they were all amazingly skinny. Like BMIs of 12 or something. And I was just so jealous. I keep just stuffing food in my mouth and reminding myself not to go throw it all up. I had oatmeal this morning and it was just like okay do NOT purge this. Which is weird cause I was never really mia, except when drunk & a few other exceptions.

I got my period today for the first time in 4 months. Ok well that's sort of a lie. I haven't really gotten it. Just a bit of spotting the whole day. It makes me want to fast so badly. The gym is impossible too. There's one obviously anorexic girl who goes all the time. She looked so happy and bony today. It made me die a little bit. The bones in my back are slowly fading away into gross fat. I don't know what to do.

I was so close, but to what? Death? My body was breaking apart at a BMI of 17. I just still sort of wish I made it to 120.

I might still... I guess. I don't know. Only time will tell.

oh god. i feel like i just want to starve again. i wish i didn't. i wish i would genuinely WANT to be at a normal weight for my height. i need my period again, but i don't want it. i wish i could've been one of those girls who looks good when they have meat on their bones. i wish i didn't have a boyfriend who OBSESSES about fat content and "good" and "bad" foods. i just feel like so much is pushing me back to this.

please god, say the summer doesn't kill me.

I really do want to get better. I want to prioritize my life and put ME first. I'm not more when I'm less and I hope I can keep believing this. My eating patterns are still messed up but at least I'm recognizing it now, and not only that, I want to change it for the better.

I never ever thought I'd fall victim to this and have an eating disorder. Sometimes I still question whether I have one or not, but I fit the DSM criteria so I guess it's safe to say that I do. I'm working towards this because it's important. Health is important. Being all I can be means I shouldn't be underweight. I refuse to let this run my life anymore.

I've been really trying to eat normally for a bit under a month now and I've gotten all the papers I had given in before break. These papers were ones I worked on eating more calories than usual, trying to recover and surprise surprise, I've done badly on all of them. So this is the lesson I've learned. Letting go of my ED=Me screwing up big time.

I feel so triggered right now. My eating habits have been severely messed up lately and this is just going to make it worse. I clearly am not a better person when I eat, but why? It's not fair. I just want to be normal.

Nothing's ever going to be the way it was. This has really messed up a lot. I keep thinking I'm going to get a lot worse when I go back to school, and I'm really thinking this is unavoidable now.

This is extremely scary.

I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of relapsing...teetering just about to fall off the cliff. Today I ate 2000 calories. Wow. I can't even remember the last time that happened. And tonight at eleven pm I stepped on the scale and I am still 130 (17.6 BMI) It's ridiculous. I wonder what I weigh in the morning. like 127?? I just can't win. I might as well just go back to my ED because at least I feel that much more in control of things.

I know that going home for break will make me relapse. I have almost no doubt about that in my mind. I'm really scared and I want to get help but I almost feel like the doctor will laugh and say I don't deserve it. That I'm not really sick. I just...have no words.

i'm feeling fat and gross and i just want to purge and restrict.... FUCK!! I'm huge!

I feel like this song by Elliott Smith describes my situation with everything right now:

but i better be quiet now,
i'm tired of wasting my breath
carrying on, getting upset.
maybe i have a problem,
but thats not what i wanted to say.
i prefer to say nothing.
i got a long way to go
getting further away.

Wow... It's so exact. I don't want to admit that I have a problem, and I am getting further away. I decided I needed recovery because things were getting so out of hand - particularly my health. I started getting chilblains on my hands, my circulation was poor at best (and still is - i'm always cold), I kept getting pins and needles, I could count every rib, etc.

Now I don't know anymore. I woke up saying I could totally not eat anything today. Or I could easily keep my intake very low. Then I have thoughts like: "I'll eat normally for now, but in a month, I'll starve myself again when my metabolism heals a bit, then I'll get to an all new LW." Then I come home and binge. That's the thing, it's just way too easy to under-eat or over-eat. And both feel like failures.

just...huge failures.

yesterday was really really triggering for me. i wanted to bp/cs etc the whole day, and the thoughts just wouldn't go out of my head. i'm currently trying not to freak out that i can't exercise today. i just wish i could take all of this back so badly. i feel like recovery is impossible, because i STILL just don't want to gain weight at all. this is the thing that keeps it all in order, and i attribute my success in some areas in my life to this idiotic ED. fuck. i hate this so so so much.

i was on ANAD's website and i obviously fit the criteria. this morning, my BMI was 17 so i think instead of wanting someone else to figure this out and save me, i should save myself. it's hard because i still think i eat too much for an anoretic, but from what i read, i have anorexia.

i'm trying to get out of the "if i start eating, i might as well just binge" mentality. i'm really going to try to listen to what my body is saying. if i'm hungry, i'll try to eat. i know it's not that simple, but i really don't want my health to suffer from this ridiculous selfish disorder. i'm going to try to fight this as much as i can.

i just made my lunch and it's 500 calories. that seems like an incredible amount, but one step at a time i guess.

things are really messed up right now and they need fixing.

it's not normal that my legs go numb and prickly when i'm at the gym for over 30 minutes
it's not normal that my hands and feet are always cold.
it's not normal that i've been counting everything that goes in my mouth for the past forever
it's not normal that i can see that i've lost a little more than a third of my body weight but i'm desperate to lose more
it's not normal that i've only had my period for a couple of days (2-3) in the last six months
it's not normal that i see new pictures of MK and think god she's gorgeous when i can reason in my head that she looked a lot better when she was healthy.

i don't know what to do anymore. this used to be an escape tactic, but now i can't escape it. all sense of reasoning is gone. binging, purging, restricting AREN'T NORMAL. food is not an enemy, it's not something that needs to be controlled. it's something that i need to have in order to survive.

i can come to these conclusions in my head... so why is it so hard to put in practice? how come when i say -like yesterday-, "I want to start eating in a normal manner", it ends up being a binge? i just end up eating everything in sight... and then i think i have to restrict to compensate?

i just want to be like everyone else. everyone else seems to have normal eating patterns, and they all look perfect.

i just want to be normal.

i've had only 320 calories so far today, but i'll round up to 400 incase. it's okay, but not excellent considering i'm just breaking even after the weekend.

i don't know if it was last night or not but i had a dream that i was completely emaciated and walking around naked. soooo weird. it was surreal.

i really want to get to 120. i think people would really get worried if my bmi got down to 16.3.... buttt i don't know. we'll see.

i'm a fraud. i hit 60 kgs this morning but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter anymore that i fit the criteria of an anorexic. i'm not good enough for this disease. i've only been a smidgen lower than my bmr lately and that's not good enough.

i've been thinking of fasting a lot lately, maybe starting tomorrow? i don't know. i purged tonight and, although i'm not proud of that, at least all the junk is out of my stomach.

food is disgusting. fat is evil... any calories are evil.

at LEAST heavy heavy restriction starting tomorrow.

Weighed myself at the gym again, 61 kgs =134 lbs = 18.2 BMI. It's okay but it might be gone soon so I'm trying not to get too excited about it. Hovering around 1000 cals a day which I know is disgusting but it's so hard not to eat when you're moving around all the time.

The funny thing is I'm not even sure I'm doing this for weight anymore. It's stupid I know. I kind of liked the way I looked when I was a bit heavier and my skin wasn't so pale. I guess it's just my cry for help at this point. Yeah.

i'm feeling really alone with this disorder. i feel like i have no one to turn to for anything anymore. like who could possibly relate to me with this? i guess this is why so many people with EDs go online and form communities and stuff.

today after i got to school, i was kneeling in my room, alone in the house and i just started to cry, then i was rocking back and forth just crying hysterically, saying "get this out of my head". it just hurts so so much, because i KNOW i'm not ready for recovery and don't even really consider that i'm not technically ana because i'm still one pound (give or take) away from there, but it's almost like i just want to lose 15 pounds to show how much i'm hurting. family mostly has told me to gain weight but it's not like "oh this is really serious"... not yet anyway.

it FEELS serious though. it feels like a hell i can't escape. i just want to go away. i just want this all to disappear.