clementine

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:11:36 GMT

........

Thank you thank you thank you all so so much for the encouraging comments on my previous entry. You really are wonderful and I appreciate it so much. I'm really hopeful that maybe in collaboration with a company that makes products or a support group I can produce something helpful. New projects are always exciting, especially when it's something that you can totally relate to yourself.

I just got a lovely new dress with big poppies on it. Oh and I now need glasses permanently apparently. I'd kind of given up wearing my reading glasses as they weren't helping at all and kind of suspected my vision had gone the other way. I don't mind, I quite like glasses. I chose a fun pair and a serious pair to please my mother.

It's so hot.

& finally another song. Ae Fond Kiss, Fairground Attraction.

............

"The other English girl is called Dorothy, her head is shaped like an egg... & she has got an extraordinary pointed nose & very thin, long mouth. She plays the cello all day & always plays the same note as far as I can make out for hours on end. She is quite nice though...

I have been to quite a lot of museums lately, this afternoon we went to see a torture museum, it was thrilling, you saw wheels where people were wrenched limb from limb... Well goodbye I must go now." Decca.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:30:21 GMT

My mum took these before I even came along. I thought they were rather wonderful.

I'm going to Devon tomorrow. It's been about ten years since we last went so it's really quite exciting. I'm quite nervous, my tummy hurts. I hope we can still remember how to camp... It'll be nice to spend some time away from home though. I always feel so much more alive near the sea, and I am desperate for some sort of energy boost other than coffee.

I've found the only way I can sleep at the moment is to listen to these completely random playlists I keep making which most of the time is not sleep inducing music. I suppose that's better than the television which has previously been the only way since the age of about nine! I keep putting things like Vaughan Williams next to Laura Nyro and Ry Cooder next to Holst. Edith Piaf followed by The Rolling Stones was interesting... I can't seem to concentrate on any books much to my annoyance, it has to be music. Music is odd... I sometimes sit there and think, this is weird. A lot of the time, the song has existed since before I was born in some sort of song parallel universe on vinyl or cd... and now here I am listening to it... and then when I stop listening to it... it disappears until the next time. It's a bit like that thing where you suddenly find yourself fixated on a word and think to yourself how strange it sounds. I remember once sitting mulling the name David over and over and it suddenly started sounding funny, odd and wrong. I used to do that a lot when I was little but it hardly ever happens now.

I have this feeling it is going to be wet and muddy so perhaps I should put my wellies in the car... Sorry I have nothing much very interesting to talk about. It's very quiet round here.

x

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:28:01 GMT

(I am getting my hair cut on the 4th July. Goodness.)

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:52:29 GMT

Goodness. What's happening with time? It's just flying past so stupidly quickly.
It's a little unsettling. As is the weather.

I've been getting over that virus. It's taken rather a long time and I'm not quite there yet. I'm dizzy and out of sorts still. So frustrating, but I did manage to complete the year which was the most important thing.

A while ago I took my Mum to see the most amazing play. I say play, it was really a monologue. A dramatisation of a memoir by Joan Didion with Vanessa Redgrave. We saw her once before in a Wilde play years ago and she was wonderful then, but she was truly spectacular this time. I found it so inspiring to see an older woman so vibrant, so alive and commanding the audience so well. It's stayed with me ever since, it was wonderful although ultimately a very tragic story. I'm sure there are some people who just have some sort of aura that makes them different from other people. We were ever so slightly too far away to see her face, but it didn't matter. Somehow the presence and the voice was enough.
(I also ate a very delicious pain au chocolat that day, which will also stay with me).

I think Lucy has lost her miaow-er. They are coming out all rusty sounding.

x

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:48:55 GMT

oh... and lovely Jo came to stay and she made herself look like Devendra Banhart with my hair.

xx

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 23:37:23 GMT

I never knew Laurie Lee took photos. Such a joy to find something so lovely.

What news... I've not been to university for two weeks. I've not been doing particularly well in terms of health. It's nothing horrific, just been very tired and slow (I've been getting panicky over my bowel and what I'm going to do, whether I can even face the idea of them opening me up again in the next few years or even ever). I'm behind now though. I hate being behind with work. It's just been the last thing I've wanted to do. I'd rather look at other people's work than make my own at the moment. Still I seem to be feeling more alive now so I'm going to go back on Saturday. Nana Newland has been awfully ill, and has had her leg amputated. My poor mother has been sick with worry. If it's not me it's Nana, if it's not Nana it's Grandad. I hope she gets to run her retreat in Wales with lots of cats, goats, chickens and reiki rooms because I can't think of anyone else who really really deserves it as much as her right now. But we'd all say that for someone we love I'm sure.

Oh and I turned 22. Hoorah! I got Lark Rise to Candleford and I adore it already. I'm sure it could tell you heaps more than any history book. Oh I also saw Atonement finally. I now desperately want a typewriter. Hmmmmmm.

Love.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 17:59:07 GMT

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 23:19:39 GMT

My mum really did have quite a scary perm. Loads of old albums appeared from clearing out Nana Wales' house a few weeks ago, including two outrageously kitsch Charles and Diana ones from about 1981 which I immediately stole. There are loads of old photos of my parents from when they first met and rather a variety of dreadful hairstyles.

I've been listening to Rod Stewart loads recently. Reminds me of being small and dancing in the front room at Bearton Green. Lots of things remind me of living there - Weetabix, my old wibbly Prince Caspian video, oak trees, The Antiques Roadshow and shepherds pie. I miss that house. I wish we could have stayed. Still, nothing is forever and it was really a silly and expensive house for three people.

I'm so impatient to get home for Easter and be able to actually stay there for more than two days. I want to get outside a lot and hopefully go for little walks and see freddarling and other lovely people. If I don't flop completely the minute I walk through the door that is. Plus there are quite often pain au chocolat at home, which of course are essential for ones happiness.

Some ear candy...
The Moon is Mine - Fairground Attraction
Starlight - The Wailin' Jennys
True Blue - Rod Stewart
High on a Hill - Kate Rusby

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:51:55 GMT

www.myspace.com/gilmoreroberts.
It's nice to photograph your friends.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:22:29 GMT

I miss home. I went to sleep listening to Mr Fry read the Order of the Phoenix and woke up six hours later and it was still on. I like it when that happens. Oh and I still have pick n mix left over from about a week ago when we went to the cinema. I am so uncool.

Lots to do, a huge headache, astonishment at the energy of others and a worrying obsession with Edith Piaf about sums up my thursday afternoon.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 21:02:45 GMT

This is an ongoing project. I feel sorry for lost photographs. I can imagine giving away a lot of things, but photographs albums is not one of them. There's this antique shop in Rochester that has a really dusty room at the back that has all sorts of weird books on the Second World War, and old medals and things. But the best bit is the old photograph boxes. Some catch your eye for different reasons - children generally I have to buy. Some how it's sadder to think of a photograph of a child simply given away.
Yet I suppose a lot of these photographs are lost because their owner is no longer around. I feel quite happy giving them a home. They go in a book, not in any particular order but sometimes you find one photo of a family and then the next time you go back there's another one of the same family that you didn't see before, so then they're grouped together. It's funny, sometimes I look at it and think "Oh yes, this is Nana Newland at..." and then remind myself they're not my relatives at all.

This is my favourite.

Maybe I'll post some more soon.
Oh yes, my film, titled "What am I supposed to think?" is now online here. (It may take a wee while to load)

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 19:04:54 GMT

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:09:32 GMT

I think this journal needs a bit of Kate every now and then.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 15:38:19 GMT

I love going into the garden at this time of year, especially when it's getting dark. One of the things I miss most of all about living away from home is the garden, which is what makes coming home even nicer. Lucy and I spent all evening out there last night until her little paws were too cold and wet and she got scared by the fairylights and until my hair resembled Hermione Granger on an especially bad day.

And these ones, which weren't in the garden but sort of go anyway.

(I was in utero then)

I got a really lovely little baby blue and white stripey jumper today from this new vintage shop in Hitchin. I love it when you find things just like that. Mum and I watched Factory Girl last night, and the stripey jumpers on Sienna Miller (oh Sienna Miller, she's everywhere at the moment isn't she?) started it. Anyway, I can't tell you much of what I thought of the film because I fell asleep. Which is nice. The bits I saw were cool though.

My apple, banana and chocolate cake is cooling down.
All the Christmas chocolate looked so yummy in Waitrose. I literally had to be pulled away as had become very attached to number of edible items shaped like handbags and other garments. Will have to go back and abuse fathers discount. <3

I'm thinking of making a film for my next project. It's exciting.

All You Need is Love...

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 00:31:40 GMT

Over the last few weeks my life has consisted mainly of glue, hot chocolate, Twiggy, bean bags and John & Yoko. It's been good, really. Really good. Anyway, it's now all culminated in our exhibition which opened last night and runs until Monday. I do not want to moan about the fact that I'm so tired that I spelt my name wrong about five times yesterday and my whole being aches to oblivion because it's been utterly fabulous. I don't think I have enjoyed anything so much in an extremely long time. I have been happy.

On Saturday we went to lay a poppy at the Merchant Navy memorial at Tower Hill. It was for my great uncle Wilf who was killed in the engine room of a ship when a bomb hit it during WW2. It was very windy and nearly dark outside yet inside the memorial was still and the air looked like a really deep navy blue (suitably so I suppose). It's funny, something about that bit of London has always attracted me and up until Saturday I had no idea his name was even on a memorial there. We went to Tate Modern too. I'll post those photos another day.

(that's my work in the background)

(those last two were in the Tap 'n' Tin - I stole Toby's hat as I was outrageously cold).

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 22:54:10 GMT

I met a fawn. In a wood. It didn't invite me back to it's cave for sardines or cake but all the same. You can't really tell but it had lots of little white spots like bambi.

I've eaten so many left over chocolate ghosts today.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:11:37 GMT

I'm sitting by the fire (again). I have listened to Desire so so much over the last week that I do not think I can possibly hear it again for a very long time. Except it's really hypnotic and I keep thinking about it... Mmmmmm. Is this common for Dylan enthusiasts?

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 23:05:15 GMT

Faith, Love and Adventure

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:29:47 GMT

I am finding owls are permeating themselves slowly into my life. Each direction I look in I can see one. Some are on paper, some on fabric and some are even slightly furry. It's rather lovely.

I found these the other day. I think I made them when I was about fourteen or something. I'd shuffle them all and see which word was with me for the day. I'm sure there used to be more but these seemed to be the only survivors.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 20:37:25 GMT

I have a hoodie with owls all over it.

And it rocks.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 18:50:40 GMT

I was eleven in 1997. I'd just finished junior school and we were busy getting my brand new uniform ready to start my new school. I remember being astonished at the ghastly length of my new skirt and the size of my hockey stick, not being a girl who was at all hockey inclined.

A week before I started school at least, I woke up very early one morning. When I was little I could not remain in bed if I wasn't asleep (oh how things change) so I went downstairs in search of something to do and probably something to eat. On went the television and I remember some music program. I found something to occupy myself and the t.v stayed on. Then it went off. Then a news reporter appeared and said that Princess Diana had been in a car crash. I wasn't sure I completely knew who she was, although I was once lifted up to see her wearing a yellow dress in a royal box somewhere or other. Thinking back it's odd, as my parents weren't particularly fans of the royal family. Normally my Dad was showing off his Prince Philip impression, or howling at Private Eye jokes about Prince Charles.

I sat transfixed to the television for what seemed like hours. I remember my Mum coming downstairs to see why I was up. She was shocked but at this point everyone seemed to think all she'd got was minor injuries so she trundled off back to bed saying she thought it was all a bit over the top to report a broken arm. I still sat there.

Then they said, and I remember it very clearly, "we've just heard from unconfirmed sources that Diana, Princess of Wales... has died". Isn't it bizarre how you remember these things? Normally you forget sentences the minute you've heard them (or maybe that's just me...). I don't know what time it was, but it must have still been quite early. I went upstairs and announced to my parents that she'd died. My Mum said something along the lines of "well this is going to be an interesting week isn't it?" and my Dad looked a bit shocked.

The time in between that day and then watching her funeral in the living room of our old house has completely disappeared, I don't remember a thing of it but I suppose it must have been a good four or five days.

My parents decided I should feel like I was part of history, so after the funeral we would go to the motorway so we could watch the procession. I remember feeling a bit unsure of what it would be like, what I might see and how the other people would react. All I'd seen on the news that day was enormous crowds of crying people. I think it was then that I realised just how big the country and the world was and the enormous power that mass hysteria has.

During her funeral I went upstairs because I didn't want to cry - no one else in the room was crying. I remember seeing "Mummy" written on a card that sat on her coffin, and thinking how beyond awful it would be to lose my mummy. The only other thing I recall is the recessional music by John Tavener and the stillness of Westminster Abbey. The sound was just the voices of the choir and the slow, marching of the pallbearers feet. I've never forgotten that sound to this day.

We did go to the motorway. It was empty of traffic, which in itself was strange. When we first arrived there were only a few other people there, holding flowers ready to throw. There was a slip road that we parked on and slowly other cars started appearing. It felt like a long time really. Mum and I walked down the bank so we were nearer the road. I think I walked down a little further in the end, so I wasn't standing next to anyone. There was a large lady with red permed hair and two small children standing a little way from me. As the hearse drove slowly past, she was overcome with tears and started howling. There was little to see. I remember the colours of the Royal Standard that was draped over the coffin and the remnants of flowers that had got caught up along the bottom of the windscreen. I remember not knowing if I should say something, if I should say a little prayer, what I should do. In the end I think I just just watched. On the way home we heard The Flower Duet on the radio and I cried quietly all the way. I was told it was ok to cry. I thought it was odd as I didn't know her. She was just a pretty lady who I once saw from a distance wearing a yellow dress.

The next thing I remember was lining up for a science lesson and a fairly annoying girl who eventually turned out to be fairly horrid said "It's WELL bad about that Princess Diana thing aint it?".

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:07:39 GMT

"Alleluia. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Remember me O lord, when you come into your kingdom.
Give rest O Lord to your handmaid, who has fallen asleep.
The choir of saints have found the well-spring of life, and door of paradise.
Life: a shadow and a dream.
Weeping at the grave creates the song:
Alleluia. Come, enjoy rewards and crowns I have prepared for you."

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 17:25:14 GMT

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 14:04:57 GMT

I read Potter. I did cry... once or twice. Now I keep badgering my Mother to finish it so I can discuss it. For someone who normally reads a book in about an hour, she's taking a remarkably long time.

miss_speranza@hotmail.com — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 10:32:13 GMT

Aix-en-Provence is beautiful. I'd been before but didn't really remember much about it, other than the amazing light and all the fountains. L'Occitaine extracted far too much money out of me, but they were so lovely in there and kept giving me free samples of things.