2011 [04 Mar 2011|04:00am] so, as i poke through old entries - whether they are public, friends only, or the dreaded private ones - i noticed that i was very unhappy for a very long time. i don't really understand why i allowed it to happen. and looking back on it now, i don't feel as if i really was that unhappy. was i? was i subconsciously overreacting so that it now seems like a faded white lie, or did it really regress so quickly that i can barely remember the unbearable sting of the seemly endless heartache? i remember sometimes wishing that i couldn't feel a goddamn thing, that my head and heart would sync up and die out. when that finally happened i would've given anything to feel, well- anything (i now think the latter of the two is far scarier). aaaand i just spilled 3 year old bong water in my bed. this pondering of events will have to wait until some other time. i promise i'll be back before next year. i promise! -

[11 Aug 2010|01:08pm] your smell is fading from your shirts. i'm waking up and realizing you're really, really gone- every morning. its all adding up and its bringing me down. only when i'm by my self, though. distractions of boys, alcohol, drugs, sleep- what has my life come to? i pictured so much more for twenty-three you were there in all of them. those pictures revolved around us. but you're not here, and i'm not there, and we're not anywhere. i wanted to find myself outside of you and i just found myself more lost without you. fuck fuck! your smell is almost gone from your shirts fuck. i can't hold onto anything -

[18 Jul 2010|07:37pm] [ mood | numb ] what am i doing? really. this is my s.o.s. -

tragic [21 Dec 2009|07:45pm] [ mood | nauseated ] what became of everyone i used to know? Wwhere did our respectable convictions go? your words don’t match the story that your actions show, what do i know? i’m sure you can’t help but remembering i thought that you’d be one not to forget, rememberings not helping you yet. say goodnight means goodbye. i know that you think my life would stop with you away. maybe i can see you on the holidays, you’re worlds away. i’ve never forgotten all our yesterdays i’m lucky if we’re speaking on the holidays. the evidence presents itself accusingly, your absence speaking everything you think of me. now that i am faced with opportunity, you’re not remembering. i’m not asking you anyway. even if you ever could cave in, i wouldn’t know where to begin. say goodnight means goodbye. i know that you think my life would stop when you’re away. maybe i can see you on the holidays, you’re worlds away. i’ve never forgotten all our yesterdays i’m lucky if we’re speaking on the holidays, holidays -

[22 Jun 2009|07:05pm] [ mood | dorky ] i totally have a 14 year old girl crush on rob pattinson, and it makes me feel retarded. -

on a bike for two.... [11 Jun 2009|09:22pm] [ mood | loved ] i can see me lovin' nobody but you, for all my liiiife -

[21 Jan 2009|09:59am] [ mood | indescribable ] all of a sudden i miss everyone -

[15 Sep 2008|09:16pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] "At the Reggie and The Full Effect show in Chicago, IL, James Dewees just confirmed that The Get Up Kids are officially getting back together and are going to be touring in the spring. There have been a lot of rumors going around about it, but he flat out told the audience that they were gonna be back in Chicago in roughly 6 months." holy shit. to find something like this out after such an awesome weekend, i'm beginning to think my life is slowly but surely starting to look up. -

[20 Aug 2008|01:51am] [ mood | awake ] love of my life forever, mr fudge. i miss him terribly. -

[08 Aug 2008|05:01pm] [ mood | irritated ] they'll name a city after us then later say its all our fault q) do you care? wait. do you really care? a) YEAH RIGHT! -

i need to start writing more [04 Aug 2008|01:05am] [ mood | thoughtful ] joe colquhoun. whatta guy! -

[12 Jul 2008|12:16am] what is wrong with me. why can't i make decisions. how can i have so much love to give while being completely heartless at the same time? FUCK -1-

[03 Jul 2008|12:11am] [ mood | dorky ] Jodi Yates of Loudonville looks through music at the FYE music and video store in Colonie Center Mall on Tuesday, July 1. As Trans World CEO Robert Higgins said: "People are still willing to buy music, even if they can get it for free. " (Skip Dickstein / Times Union) OF COURSE I'LL BUY WHEN ITS NEW ALKALINE TRIO! i'm in rhode island, why am i online???? -

[17 Jun 2008|05:29pm] [ mood | happy ] BE JEALOUS -

randomness [18 May 2008|02:45pm] [ mood | hopeful ] life, its so strange. in the past few weeks its flipped upside down and right side up and upside down again. semester is over, i'll miss drawing naked people. if anyone wants to model for me and won't be awkward let me know. matty left me, no harsh feelings though. he's a good guy. i suck. its almost summer time. i turned 21. i scored a second job as an animal caretaker at the latham animal hospital which i am so excited about. i've only worked one day so far and i met tons of awesome animals. still at stewarts, but i don't mind it at all. i'm in colonie tons, hanging out with ruggaber and tyler. rachael turns 21 soon. i have TICKETS TO SEE ALKALINE TRIO AND I AM SO PUMPED. i won this WICKED sweet matt skiba shirt off ebay i can't wait until it comes so i can wear it everyday. getting more tatties soon.i'm ---- this close to getting a new fast shiney car. i love my car too much though. at least i'll be able to bring my leopard seat covers with me. smokin blunts, playing with animals, making killer milkshakes, never coming home before 4 am. i want to do anything and everything this summer so hit me up, word? WORD. this is a weird entry. i need to write in this thing more often. stewarts timeee -1-

whale dick [18 May 2008|02:40pm] [ mood | dorky ] MMMMMMM john mayer is so hot. -

[10 Jan 2008|01:07am] [ mood | thoughtful ] everytime i look at this picture my heart and stomache go all funny and i can't stop smiling i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you !! -

yoinK [28 Nov 2007|12:25am] [ mood | groggy ] The "HAD to"section: 1. If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would you want it? -i want one on my foot. i just haven't been able to pick one of my ideas yet. it'll probably never happen. i want to get my arms tattooed too but i'm chickenshit. 2. If you HAD to dye your hair a color what color would it be? -a lovely turquoise/aqua type color 3. If you HAD to get a piercing (THAT ISN'T YOUR EARS) what would you get? - septum or lip. if i got my septum pierced i'd have to take out my nose ring though, my poor nose 4. If you HAD to change your name, what new name would you choose? -ivanna humpalut The "WOULD YOU?" section: 1. If you could go bungee jumping, would you? -no! for some reason i just think the whiplash would be dreadful. i am going skydiving soon though (i've also been saying that since i was sixteen). 2. Would you move somewhere else, if you could? -in a heartbeat 3. If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? -how much 4. If were given 10 million dollars to keep, what would you do? -i have all these great ideas but if i actually won ten million dollars i'd probably have no idea what to do with it all The "LETS SAY" Questions: 1. Lets say you see a big ship sink...only 3 people have a chance to survive. The 3 people are Your Best Friend, Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend, and a long lost friend ...you can only save one, who would it be? - i can't answer this. how abouuut: n/a 3. Lets say you had to eat a live tarantula for $1,000...would you? - fuck no! 4. Lets say you could star in any movie (made or in the works) what movie? - muppets from space!!! The "OTHER STUFF" section: 1. What makes your bedroom unique? - crimson walls. black ceiling with stars. read/white/black/leopard print bed. canopy. painted furniture. sweet ass christmas lights and the fact that you can never see any of it because its always such a mess. 4. Whats your favorite season of the year? - summer/fall The 2007 section: 1. Have you had your birthday yet? -why yes i did 2. Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2007? -mmmm. i think so. 3. Are you still in the same job? - unfortunately. 4. Is your favorite color the same color? - uhh i do not recall what my favorite color was at the time but probably 5. Have you got the same style/color hair? - its longer 6. Have you bought a NEW car this year? - nope. still have my audi. 7. Anything exciting happen this year? - oh quite a bit of exciting things happened! 8. Have you been involved with the police this year? - i've been pulled over a bunch of times but being recognized from working at stewart's pretty much gets me and everyone else i'm with off the hook. i'm so cool (yeaaaaright) 9. Favorite all time drinking place for 2007? - i guess i don't have one 10. Is your best friend still your best friend? - werd 11. Got any tattoos or piercings this year? - yeaaah i got my schnoz pierced 12. Had a haircut this year? one or two trims. it GROWS SO FUCKING SLOW UGH 13. Been in a hospital this year? - i have been in one but it wasn't for me 14. Lost someone you cared about this year (not death)? - i miss odie. 15. Been on a vacation this year? - yes! quite a few actually 16. Been kicked out of a public place this year? - nope 17. Worst thing to happen this year? - debt 18. Best thing to happen this year? - swimming in the gulf of mexico with matty and manatees! -

[12 Nov 2007|10:48pm] [ mood | PUMPED!!! ] SWEETEST FUCKING SHOES EVER!!!!!! seriously. i've dreamed of shoes like this. i must have them for my own. -

[30 Jun 2007|10:21pm] [ mood | chipper ] well, well, well happy summer! the weather has been fantastic. i didn't do too well in school the spring semester but i'm really excited for the next one. i finally get into drawing, and matty is going to be the drawing and painting tutor. its going to be sweeeeeet. i also will be taking color photography, survey of art history (2nd attempt), gallery management (hopefully), human sexuality, racquetball, and maybe i'll try zoology again. matty and i went to florida last month to visit my father. i had an awesome time. while we were staying in siesta key with my cousin WE SWAM WITH FUCKING MANATEES. in the gulf of mexico! after kayaking through mangrove canopies! we also kayaked to this spring and went snorkeling. i spotted an alligator in the water a few feet away from us (we were in the kayaks though). yeah soooo, we did a lot of kayaking. and i said it a lot. i hope i'm spelling it right. kayak kyack ki-yak! we also visited animal kingdom, epcot, and magic kingdom. it was a truly magical experience. space mountain still fucking rules. our last day in florida was spent in daytona beach..... saying goodbye to kayla. a few days before i had to leave for vacation i found out she was scheduled to actually MOVE to florida two days after i came home from florida. as it turns out, she left two days after i left. so.. matty and i visited her and derek and spent the day at the beach. we built a huge sand alligator. he had teeth and sunglasses and everything! i have some really neat pictures. she's been there for over a month now and i really really miss her. she sounds really happy some days and terrible others. i wish her the best of luck, though. daytona beach may be scummy but it doesn't seem so bad. i have a shit ton of pictures from florida but i need to find the discs. unfortunately my digital camera isn't in service at the time. it won't focus because it's a stubborn motherfucker. i have to get it fixed. there's so much stuff i need to do and have put off for along time. i don't know whats wrong with me ooh well the other night rachael and i left matty's show early and ended up at hoffman's playland! we only went on the paratrooper and scrambler but it was an amazing time. i love her. the paratrooper is my absolute favoriteeeee =) i'm leaving for RHODE ISLAND in two days and i am so freaking excited. i'm going to miss matthew terribly but we're going to orchard beach, maine a few days after i get home. the fourth of july is my favorite holiday and i really miss my family. john comitale is going to be in block island the same time so hopefully i'll be able to meet up with him at some point and have a buddy. my aunt and i are planning to do all sorts of neat stuff, like going to the zoo! i can't wait to play with taco the kittie and spend the afternoon reading my new books in the hammock by the water.fireworkscarnivalbirthdaypartiessmoresboatstubingaccentsbeachacbhahcbbeachbecah belakdjfadfj!!! okok its late, maybe i'll put some pictures in here. ........i spent about a good hour and a half putting tons of pictures in here then closed out of it like an idiot. i do not want to do it again right now. you'll just have to wait. -

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