I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning

Oh boy i'm 23.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:19:11 GMT

My head hurts.

I had too many beers.

too many shots of tequila.

I got 3 hours of sleep, counting the hour I overslept!

My boss laughed at me when I came in today.

I have a gigantic bruise on my left inner bicep and the vague memory of picking up a 260 lb guy last night. I think there are pictures. I might need someone to tell me why I did that.

Good birthday =)

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:59:55 GMT

Birthday this week <3<3
3rd of July bonefireboozeshitshow on White Horse this week <3<3<3
4th of July cookout this week <3
long lost lover returns <3<3<3<3

Such a good summer so far. Can't wait for all my loves to be in the same place Tuesday when we hit the town for bday drinks. It's amazing how much more enjoyable life is when you decide to rid your life of bullshit. I don't like drama, I never have. And I won't let it touch me anymore. Take your dirty secrets and two faced lies to someone else. The truth is all there is, and it's not hard.

a) thank god that's over.
b) I (mistakenly) thought you'd redeem yourself today.
c) male PMS? wow, I don't like that about you at all.

note: Clearing your conscience doesn't set the world straight. People will always suck, so just let them keep on sucking.

Unfortunate.

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:27:30 GMT

I guess you can always expect a varying range of reactions from people when they hear truths they'd rather not.

This time doing the right thing is completely wrapped up in doing the wrong thing. So i'll do right by a supposed ex-friend and in the process, do wrong by a fellow female. It feels wrong, but to do the opposite, my good intentions and urge to protect someone would probably be misconstrued as malicious. So fuck that. I'll let the universe go on with it's rights and wrongs. If the truth is ever to be told, it has to be told to ears that want to hear it.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:34:58 GMT

How can I continue to trust a liar? A person who told a singular lie can be redeemed, a chronic liar cannot. Doesn't one lie allude to the presence of others? Even if I don't know every lie that's been told to me, I know about ones that have been told to others. That makes a liar.

How do you trust the "truth" when it has been sworn to be true, and then admitted to be false? I can't. And I won't wait around to watch the web get spun wider.

You could have stayed until June

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 02:00:53 GMT

It's been nearly a year since I had anything good to say. My brain atrophied and my life fell apart. But I've managed to put the pieces back together and assemble an even better life than I had before.

I'm really happy with my job-- it's the type of place I can see myself working long term and they've made it worth it for me to stick around. I have rad coworkers who take shit as well as they give it too, which I have to say I didn't expect. I've been there only three months but already been given my first raise, become the in-house web/graphic designer and the face of an important account. I could never pinpoint my ideal job and that made it really hard when I was doing the job search thing, but I stumbled upon this company and it has become the best scenario I could ask for. (Besides being a marine archaeologist or captain...)

I haven't totally succumb to the 9-5 (in my case, 830-6) lifestyle yet. I still hit the snooze button too much, go out on weekdays, and am practically dead by the time Friday rolls around. When I move to Quincy i'll be happy to get a couple hours of my life back that I usually spend commuting. That's the biggest drag of all.

Life is fairly drama free, and I sleep better for it. I love all my friends and with the exception of one, they're amazing people that I can always depend on. I was surprisingly not too devastated to find out Marc is engaged to the girl he started dating in December. My reaction was more one of "this is such a bad decision, what are you thinking??". I'd long ago accepted that we'd both move on, but his rush to fill the hole I left just speaks to his instability-- all the more reason to not get married. But I'm told he's getting help from a psychiatrist finally, and that makes me happy for him. I hope he gets his life sorted out and doesn't end up in a failed marriage-- i'd never wish that upon anyone, especially him.

I have such a huge crush right now, I can't even tell you. It's so early and I know so little *relatively* about him, but the way he blushed after he kissed me.... yeah.

I have tan lines! That in itself is a feat to be proud of. I've been managing to fit in at least one beach day per weekend, weather permitting. I had the best best beach day ever a few weeks ago with Matty and Andy out at the Point. I was pretty much drunk from 10am til 6pm. We made friends with all the other people parked next to us, barbecued, played bocce ball, mixed margaritas, laughed, had an impromptu jam session with some guy and his son, and ran around like fools. We even managed to get kicked out of Monte Christo's later! and if you know the place, you realize how ridiculous that is.

I just saw a baby rhino born on National Geographic! Gross!

Anyways. haha. ohhh my god this baby rhino is adorable. Sorry.

My car is still alive. I don't dare comment any further on the subject because whenever I trash talk it, it soon dies when I am far far away from home. But.. as much as I want a scion, I think i'd be stupid not to start looking at hybrids. Any advice?

I think that's all for now since my laptop is officially burning my leg. I hate this thing. I'd get a macbook if it wasnt totally gratuitous.

Take care babies.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:04:40 GMT

So disappointed after all this time to find out a close friend is a liar.

Someone I've turned to and confided in has admitted he tells me lies, and cannot explain why. I'm not sure this friendship can be saved, or what's in it for me to save it.

it's hard to keep my mouth shut.

Mon, 19 May 2008 13:45:19 GMT

She’d talk and talk, and the more she suspected that he didn’t care what she was saying, the more she’d fill the apartment with her desperate noise.

She often felt as if she were watching a play in which all the actors had agreed to pretend that someone onstage had not just taken a huge shit.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:38:56 GMT

I remember him telling me he was going to go watch Black Snake Moan.

And when we talked later he was very quiet and said it hit too close to home.

I went to download the torrent and read the summary...

A God-fearing bluesman takes to a wild young woman who,
as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, looks everywhere for love,
never quite finding it.

It should have been one of a million things I noticed. I knew about the abuse. I just didn't know he felt he hadn't quite found love.

The day finally came...

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:55:15 GMT

Sam Brown posted our sent-in sentences on www.explodingdog.com

I recognized my own, but never knew what Marc sent in.

Surprisingly, I'm alright about it. I don't know why I thought it would make me upset. I guess just the constant lament that we didn't find a way to stay friends. I'd like to know he's alright. Even if I regret how he ended things, I don't hate him. And anger/pain fades with time.

Makes me wonder if he got the package in the mail, and how he reacted, seeing our drawings from a time so far gone now.

Ty

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 04:25:49 GMT

emcon22: hangar =(
emcon22: i shed a small tear
chasethesirens24: what if i bring you a dc10
emcon22: then youd be stuck with mee for life
chasethesirens24: you would marry me if i got down on my knee and slid a wing on your finger
chasethesirens24: haha an engagement wing
emcon22: haha its official. I adore you.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 03:59:53 GMT

don't say you love me

Polar Plunge

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 14:27:33 GMT

I'm going in the ocean today.

wish me luck and a kickass immune system.

air temperature 37 degrees F.

water temperature 36.1 degrees F

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:55:35 GMT

Ty Ty
i can hop
will you hop with me
on an adventure

Maggie
we might look like fools. unless of course, we are sharing a pair of pants

Ty Ty
i'll share pants with you anyday

Maggie
hahaha

marc

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:57:35 GMT

I wonder if it's true that ghosts can't haunt you if you don't believe in them.

I don't believe in you anymore.
So let me be, stop haunting me.

You were a monumental failure. You let yourself down and you let me down too.
I thought you were stronger since I gave you something to believe in.
You were great while you lasted, but a person's true character shows when things get tough.
When they get tough you're a quitter. And you run away. You know you hurt people.
But you don't care enough to stay.
So am I supposed to be happy about our relationship?
Cherish the moments we had, blah blah.
Or does the outcome define it.

For you, my dear, the outcome defines the relationship. Your final lack of respect for my feelings and needs
are proof of who you truly are. You are weak. And I am sorry that all your great qualities are wasted on such
a weak mind. I want good things for you, but I never want you to be happy with another girl.
You don't deserve another loving heart with open arms that you'll just tear apart.
and I refuse to believe you'll find better than what you had, you said so yourself.
Regret losing me. Regret your cowardice.
and don't believe yourself for a second when you try to convince yourself you did it for me.
you never asked what I wanted.

I love you. and I hate you too.

Because i've never loved anyone as much as I still love you.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:39:35 GMT

I'm collecting "urban legends," if you will, about inappropriate things in Disney movies.

We've all heard of the priest with a boner in the Little Mermaid..

from various sites:
1) in the lion king u can c the word "sex" aprear in the dust when simba lays down
2) in aladdin u can here another voice say "Good teenagers, take off your clothes."
3) In beauty and the beast, apparently there is a dildo in the large dance number with the candlestick and the teapots.
4) Photographic images of a topless woman can be spotted in The Rescuers
(http://www.snopes.com/disney/graphics/resc1big.jpg)
(http://www.snopes.com/disney/graphics/resc2.jpg)
5) The personalities of the dwarf characters in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs represent the seven stages of cocaine addiction.
6) in the Aladdin movie, Abu says oh shit before Aladin saves him from falling into the lava.
7) In The Brave little toaster there is a man shuffling through papers and a picture floats by facing you and it is a woman with her arms behnd her head wearing nothing but red stars where her nipples should be.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:20:17 GMT

I'm the idiot who utters the words "I promise I wont think you mean more than you do"

this one's for you

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:41:12 GMT

The time has come to write the blog that has been rattling around inside my head for the past week or so. I've put it off because sometimes it's just too hard to think about Marc and if I think about him for a prolonged period of time to write this, I don't trust myself not to break down.

But it's a dreary day outside and for once there is absolutely nothing else to distract myself with, unfortunately. So here goes.

We are the authors of the stories of our lives. Given that power, we easily become authors of revisionist histories. I know I am guilty of remembering things differently from how they happened. It's hardly denial or a coping mechanism. The reality is that when we tell people stories we inevitably leave some details out, and after years it's not hard for the stories to become our version of the truth. The pretty version we told others and ourselves.

I'd like to write a history. Not a white man's history of how we got along with the Native Americans, but a real history of how colonists showed up and stole from/infected and killed the Native Americans.
If you're confused that's good, it means I'm saying what I want to.

Since things ended with Marc, I've turned our relationship into this sugar-coated tragedy where all was perfect until it wasn't. If I'm going to be honest, I've got to brush off some of that sugar and own up to the fact that things weren't idyllic. Marc's guilty conscience was the biggest hang-up for me and I struggled, almost constantly, to keep any negative feelings to myself. If I was hurt I couldn't tell him because he would feel so terrible that I'd in turn feel terrible for being honest, and nothing would be resolved. I commend myself for being honest about my feelings with people in relationships, and to have to hold back made me resent him so much at times. To be mad and not be able to tell him was more frustrating than I can explain. I didn't want him to be sad, so I tucked that hurt or that anger away. Even hurt or angry, I was trying to protect him from any sadness or hurt.
Just as challenging was trying to figure out how to handle his anxiety. When he'd call me because he was freaking out I never knew what to do, and if I couldn't help him I blamed myself. Sometimes he'd ask to get off the phone because we'd both lapsed into silence and I was so afraid to end the call. I didn't know what he'd do and I was scared for him to be left alone in that state. Often we'd get off the phone and I'd just start crying. I couldn't handle the constant fear that I'd lose him to his mind. I'd never known someone before who honestly told me they might go crazy some day. I wanted to think that if I loved him enough I could keep that from happening.
One truth I'll stand by is that he was always better when we were together. I could get the anxiety to pass or the sadness to fade just by being there. It's what gave me hope that he wouldn't lose it, at least so long as I was around.
I don't know the ins and outs of depression and anxiety and how they can deeply affect someone. I don't know for sure that him missing me is what really set us up for the end of our relationship. What I do know is that Marc was struggling being alone and anxious. And I know that he told me it was too hard to love someone he couldn't be with. That's why I told him we should end things. I never wanted to be the reason for his sadness. I bawled my eyes out because I couldn't believe he'd given up on us. I didn't want to believe I was losing him, even though I told him he could go. The life I loved, and yes I loved it regardless of the stumbling blocks, was over. I knew things would never be the same because I was losing my best friend. Marc had become such an integral part of who I was that I truly feel I lost something I have yet to get back. There is an infinite sadness now attached to his name and all memories of him. It makes my heart sink to think of him and how we don't talk, how in his revisionist history I'm just another exgirlfriend that couldn't let go.
I can't say that things would have worked out long term if I'd moved to live nearer to him. I worried about his sanity, and I worried about my own in turn. I knew if it came to it I'd dig my own grave trying to keep him sane and when he lost that battle I'd go down with him. We never got the chance to figure out if it would work being closer because he was too afraid we'd fail. Initially when I suggested moving he told me he didn't want to be broken up and couldn't wait for me to get there. In my best assessment, he got scared of the huge change and decided it was better to hurt me now than to let me move to Charlotte and have it not work there. Clearly I understood the risk involved and the humongous undertaking of uprooting my life from the only place I'd ever known. But I believed and I could risk the hurt. I don't think he could have survived the guilt if it hadn't worked when I moved.
So, weighing his fears, he did what he thought was best for me and cut all ties. I'll never forgive him for not telling me how he felt. And I'll never forgive that he couldn't trust that I knew what was best for me.
It doesn't bother me so much now that he has another girlfriend. What bothers me is that when he decided moving wouldn't work we didn't talk about it then, we haven't talked about it now and we most likely never will. Considering the amount of trust we had amassed, only one explanation truly makes sense to me. And that is that he had to make a clean break, not try to tell me he'd changed his mind and have to listen to me cry or convince him it would.
He told me after we broke up, when I asked, that he was still in love with me but trying not to be because that's what had been killing him. I want to believe he just ran away from a situation that was too scary to him, and his guilt keeps him from thinking about it.

One of the only things I've heard from him is that he wants the best for me and just wants me to be happy.

It will only continue to hurt me if I believe he didn't care.

I hope in his revisionist history he hasn't twisted me into something I wasn't just so he could get over me. If he chooses to make me a girl who couldn't let go, that's fine, because that's who I became. But it's not who I was to him, and I hope he remembers all the times I picked him up and loved him when he didn't think he deserved it. And how he promised he'd be mine for as long as I wanted him. I wasn't done wanting him. And I'd still like to be his friend.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 06:39:31 GMT

I still think about him.

It kills me inside.

I'm a case study.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:19:25 GMT

I put on episodes of House to fall asleep to.

Last night I was roused out of my near-sleeping state by these lines...

Cameron: Kid’s got hemolytic anemia. [House and Cuddy turn to look at her.]

Cuddy: Kid? How old? [takes chart]

House: He must have inherited it. He’s gonna die. My condolences.

Cameron: It wasn’t inherited. The problem’s outside the red blood cells.

Cuddy: This is impossible. A 16-year-old doesn’t get hemolytic anemia

Yeah. I have hemolytic anemia. I'm sure they play it up for TV, but what I have blows enough to be on House haha.

Glad to read this...

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 19:01:38 GMT

Why Caroline Kennedy supports Barack Obama...

read here from the New York Times.

___________________________________

I was lucky enough to see Obama speak back in the early Spring at Keene State. He has that "it" factor that you just can't put your finger on, the same charisma that many saw in JFK. I was captivated by Obama's mannerisms that night. He took time to think before answering questions, he wasn't afraid to pause in the middle of a sentence to find the right word. You didn't get the impression you were watching an actor/politician who had been speaking to his mirror before coming on stage. He was professional but not perfectly polished. He was candid and laughed while answering questions about whether he'd let his daughters get a pet dog.
Caroline Kennedy is right about many of the candidates standing on similar platforms. If you elect a democratic candidate you're basically voting for a person more than the issues you stand behind. I believe in Obama's drive to make things better. I don't know whether he's got the tools and experience coming into the presidency that others might. But who would you trust? Someone who desires to succeed and affect change? Or someone who has the tools but no spark to drive them?

I believe the person with the vision and the different outlook will FIND the tools they need to make things happen. A candidate with a mission to make things better cannot be held back. But a candidate with the right connections can sputter and stall when they don't have the burning desire to see this country turned around for the better.

I'm not anti-Hilary. I'm anti-Republican and clearly I'd like to see what Obama can do for us.

here is a speech from June 2006 that I think people should hear. I like to listen to old shit, before candidates were in the presidential-hopeful spotlight.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid900718856/bclid900554575/bctid416343938

Madre

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:00:44 GMT

My mother really frustrates me at times. Like when I get an email survey from her that has questions like "favorite color?" and she answers "red, white and blue!" Or "Warner Brothers/Disney?" and even though I was raised on Disney movies, her answer is "Warner Brothers" and I know it's because Disney isn't homophobic like her.

I realize Americas Most Wanted is on in the background right now while I'm playing on facebook and that my mom is the one that picked the show. Why? She probably thinks she's doing her Christian duty to catch criminals, who knows.

It's frustrating.

I love her to death, but man.

I love Manchester Orchestra.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:58:17 GMT

I can only deduct from watching the commercials during the Price Is Right that advertisers agree the elderly will buy into anything you give them a coupon or free trial for.

and I'm so bothered by the hover-round commercials with 20+ invalids performing the equivalent of synchronized swimming down walkway paths. I can't put a finger on why.

Sentence fragments.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:58:42 GMT

I'm in love with pool. I wish I had my own table. Low-cut shirts mean guys always want to play you, but they make dumb bets and end up buying the shots/drinks. I'm okay with it.

Brent is funny, and his texts keep me entertained. That I don't understand the dynamic is fine for now.

I may become the eight millionth person I know to work at starbucks. And I feel obligated to read Moby Dick. I took it out of the library when I was with Kev and I never read it before it was due back. THAT is why I buy my books. Damn time crunch, no one bosses me around. haha

Mistakes we knew we were making.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 23:02:44 GMT

The bar scene makes me realize how ridiculous my life is. People ask me what I do and my answer is "nothing." Of course questions follow about how exactly I manage to do nothing with my life. And I have a mini-existential crisis before taking another sip of whatever I'm drinking and then shrugging nonchalantly.

Things will change soon. Being poor is a great motivator for getting a job. I wish I was getting a career though. But but but. Fill in the blanks.

I often wonder where I went wrong and how internships and a nasty gpa didn't do me any good.

But you have to remember, nothing will be perfect all the time.

Without a doubt I have amazing friends, and have made some new pretty rad ones too. There are worse hands to be dealt.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:00:39 GMT

I know you’ve been abandoned
But don’t abandon ship on me
Just know like a winter white snow
You’ve been forgiven, come back to me
I know right now that don’t mean anything

Your skinny legs bounced up into the sky
I tried to tell you to be careful not to jump that high
With your fingers crossed, you fall against the ground
I saw it all, the day you tried to fly