As Mother's day starts to become as tapped out as can be as a corperate holiday buisnesses are starting to focus more on Father's day, News and Media have caught on and are following suit. Add that to you're general yearly stuff all my friends do with thier fathers and I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. It's never seemed to bother me before but this year I really feel empty. I've never really known how to feel about the absence of my father. The absence itself makes me feel sad and inadequet. And while I'm not sure I miss him, due to the fact that I never knew him so well, this leads to feelings of confusion and guilt. Also there is the whole fact that if my dad were still around he would probably still be a deadbeat. Our relationship was always aucward at best. He didn't know what he was expected to do (his atempts at fathering were sporatic and steriotipical like trying to teach me to skate or taking me fishing) and he was overwhelmed by his own neative emotions wich often sprung from his own disfucntional relationship with his father. As i grew through my childhood he withdrew more and more both phyisicaly and mentaly/emotionaly, often through the use of drugs and alchol. He tried a couple times to rehabilitate himself, but as is the case with many drug users he slipped back into his old rutines because his rute problems were never adressed. Finaly near the end of our relationships I realized that I didn't recognize the man that was my father anymore and i was ashamed of him. Now I'm not sure how to feel. Theres an old unread letter from him sitting in my mom's drawer. I hope that he's gotten his life together a little since then because I'm not sure I could deal with seeing him anyworse than he was before. I'd much rather remember him smiling trying to teach me to skate.
Current Mood: sad