And to my surprise, my eyes were wide and already open.

_snowlikegold @ 2004-08-07T09:28:00

2004-08-07T15:26:14Z

if there is a light, leave it on.

_snowlikegold @ 2004-07-25T12:49:00

2004-07-25T18:47:36Z

If I can't have you, well, then I don't want you.

You're inside the places you're looking for.

2004-07-22T17:11:57Z

it feels so good to feel
there's nothing here that's real
for once in your life
do you honestly believe
that you could ever leave?
anytime that you want
did you find something deeper?
something profound

Well, what would it take?

2004-07-22T05:30:03Z

a better slumber
was in your arms
spent tangled up in you
a sudden mourning
crashed in the room
with an uninvited sudden change in you
what can i say?
wheres that girl from last night
whos slept on that side
and looks just like you do?
you can sleep in your own bed tonight
sleep away a silent pain
that's screaming out my name
you can sleep in your own bed tonight
i hope for your sake you dont wake up
as broken as i am

I'm still breathing. Tonight's just another evening.

2004-07-20T18:26:18Z

Last night, the Format was awesome. Steel Train was really good, too, but they didn't play 'Story in a Dream'...
The Format played so many good songs.
Sore Thumb was by far my favorite.

I wish I would have had my camera to take pictures. Nate and Sam, when they're with the full band-- I don't even know how to explain it. The last time I saw the Format, it was July 17th last year, acoustic with The Rocket Summer at Jack Quinn. Since then, I can't even put into words how much better they've gotten. The live show laid the CD to waste.

35 years ago, today, we landed on the moon. And, made a footprint that might just stay there forever.

Oh, yeah, today is my birthday. I'm 18.
I feel different, and it sucks.
Since last night I haven't been able to get this sick feeling out of my stomach.

And, I'm just confused... but, it wasn't awkward this time.
As long as it's you and not me this time.

-----

you starve me
when you say nothing
but i felt everything you meant
and certainly, i couldn't be wrong
just because you knew what
you wanted

i want you

You probably don't remember your drunken phone call that ended it all.

2004-07-19T14:08:49Z

spitting passion into isolation
revoke retract reduce your statement
pause for an answer and wait for the right placement
a spindle spinning web of flame
wishing every day were the same but it's not
taught to think in this environment
taught to pretend to think in this fake
lie awake from days at the lake
newsbreak. the lies are opaque
we can see you
can you see what's at stake?
with you, do you think the rules, they don't apply?
deny that this city's gone awry and i don't want to be here
thanks to you, hello, an empty reply via telephone
i hang up, you deserve when I let you alone
i do not condone your life you've outgrown
you can't smell cologne through the phone lines
and my tombstone on the street
and yours on the coastline
a shrine to the ninth of the feline cat's meow
a castle of the eleventh victim del crow
you're idle and in hiding
let's move this mobile ordeal past the border or a timeline
surreal guidelines written by einstein
no they're just creatures of this normal day masquerade ball
or a backpacker lost in the mountains of nepal
it's all the same
it's just a different way of saying
that i'm thinking about
this

From Cascade to Bijou to Sierra Madre to Cimmaron. Or visa versa. Whichever you chose.

2004-07-19T13:22:41Z

I'm up before 7:30.
How ridiculous.
I guess it's just that I have a lot on my mind.

Oh, and did I mention that I feel guilty?
Tonight, at midnight, I'm going to put this ID to use.
But, well, that's not what I feel guilty for.
It's just that...
I swore to secrecy.
Or merely to just not put it in front of me.

The Format is tonight. If you need a ride, I will take you.

Just smile and pretend. It will pay off in the end.

2004-07-18T18:33:55Z

So the street filled, like a basin, up with cameras and their crews.
And they washed away the rumors leaving just the concrete truth.
It was a spectacle. No, I mean a miracle.
So then I fell like that girl from a balance beam.
A gymnasium of eyes were all holding on to me.
I lifted one foot to cross the other and I felt myself slipping.
It was a small mistake.
Sometimes that is all it takes.

I can speak when I want to.

2004-07-18T16:07:04Z

when i counted up my demons
saw there was one for every day
with the good ones on my shoulders
i drove the other ones away
so if you ever feel neglected
and if you think that all is lost
i'll be counting up my demons, yeah
hoping everything's not lost
when you thought that it was over
you could feel it all around
and everybody's out to get you
don't you let it drag you down
- coldplay

"I don't want to have to hide my love away for anything... even jealousy. It's one of the hardest things in the world to love someone and not be loved back. Unrequited love... it's just one of the worst feelings in the world. But, on the other hand, you gotta look at life like a glass of milk. Half full? Half empty? I definitely see it half full. I look back on my life and remember the high points, not the low points. The high points are what make me want to get up and have an awesome day. You know? There are just some morning where I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and then there are those mornings when I am just in the mood to really live my life to the fullest."

In the starlit sky, beyond the stars, a cloud covers our past. Regeneration of sunlight as night goes by, autumn morning blesses green sky.
But then I missed you. I wished you were here. A lone boat in a lake. The memory of a lonely past. I missed you.
And moonlight pictures and drawings can't replace a moonlit face. But then I missed you. I wished you were here. But then I missed you.
I wished you were here.

-----

Today, I'm just thinking about my past and nostalgia. And the smell of summer and of her. It's been so long since I've talked to her like we used to. Well, I'm sorry about your yearbook. And, well, I'd like to try again.

That I saw through the glass.

2004-07-18T06:55:28Z

"We like pizza, but she doesn't eat the crust. I love her and she loves everyone. She said she likes my band but I don't even like my band. I love her and she loves everyone. I saw her kiss him last night, I'm sick now. But it's just a little cold. Scott's a dork. When I say I give up, it just means I am going to try again. She loves me and I love everyone. I was kissing her but she was wishing it was him. She loves me and I love everyone. They told her, about you and me. She's mad now, but she'll get over it. Scott's a dork. You'd think that after all this time she'd change but, she didn't." - Reel Big Fish

Tonight, I went to the Harrison Bergeron show with Aaron. I had a really good time. Bill came a few songs into A.Priori... they sucked.
During the show, this guy came and lectured us about going to college and 'getting her done'. But, the thing is... this guy didn't go to college. He just 'fell into a good job' thanks to his dad. A real classy role model.
But, after the show, it just was a solitary night. I'm so glad I have my car. I just listened to Poison the Well until I decided to come home.
I came home at 12:16. And... I ended the night with 'Horns and Tails'.

Today-- was it. From the second I woke up. It's been... good.
And, not really anything in particular.
Just, driving in my car.
Just, thinking, and listening.
Just... those words.
Smile.
Sarcasm.

Maybe it was the black? Or, it was definitely the smile.

Just be in the shower.

-----

gray chairs cold but here for me
thankfully I don't miss your skin
or the way that you always
have something to say
lose myself in you
cut it in you
with my rusty fingers
what I'd do for one more day
without you
I'm leaving again on metal heart breaker
all I wanted to say was
fuck you
miles away
but you still seem to be here
I never took your eyes out of my bag
-poison the well

If you want to push, then I'm ready to push. But, if you are pulling while I'm pushing, then why did you ask me to push?

2004-07-17T22:01:30Z

your house
changed the way i thought
of relationships and family
it changed me
but it was just over time
and i guess it changed you too

say goodbye
say you're sorry
say goodbye
but it never works out
let us stay strong
let us plan
let us work
let's be something

miss me, do you miss me? you'll never
miss me, do you miss me? you don't
miss me, do you miss me? i don't know who you are. now do you
miss me, do you miss me? where were we when this happened?

just say something

-----

What am I thinking?

The people will all gather to remember such a day where the flames grew as high as trees. And the world stopped for you and me.

2004-07-17T20:07:12Z

just try to keep your mind preoccupied
so that you won't miss her

resident suppliers, it's all over. resident suppliers, that haven't started, feel your feet glow red from the heat. when they open the floodgates you're cured. well, there is no cure but you've come close i want this. i want to feel a cold hand against my sweat. i want to feel the chills and you'll giggle in innocence. we don't need a second chance, for we will get it right this time. the first time, glory? star, you're bright. a midnight, you glow and turn dark blue, black skies to orange and pink. did you ever think i'd notice you? did you ever think that i'd think so highly? it's not that i didn't have a clue. it's just i didn't start as soon as i felt that colonel mustard was in the kitchen with the pipe when it's just you and me alone in the night and i'm alright to feel a little cloudy until this storm passes before we're passe and everyone knows what we pass the time by divine lies going to church and speaking the words. they have to meaning ~~it has no meaning to whom it may concern~~ does it concern you? does it concern your brother whose choices led you to 11 PM your parents left for town. they left you the town well, i noticed your skin and how i'm drawn to it. you're a venus fly trap but you've got wings you can fly to capture flies and tell me why this is the way it has to be. what will it be when he leaves? and they turn green to yellow. these are our colors.

------

Here's my kiss to betray. Desperate to brush the lips of grace.
Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey unloving, I will love you.

I give you my permission to break his heart. I give you my permission for infidelities, if you want. I give you my permission to smile when you agree that...
he's such a fool.

-----

This is my highway. I call it: maneuverability.
Thank you for letting me in.
And maybe being a little bit of a pushover.
Just know when it's alright to say know.
And until then...

I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
and I'll hear your voice so loud
when you're whispering...

-----

'take another look at me. I am open. I am ready for something better than I've had.'
I am ready to come home to your homework.
I am ready to come home to your exhaustion.
I am ready to come home to you.

-----

we all want to be somebody
right now were just looking for the exit
this is the way i would have done things
up against the wall
you've got me up against your wall

I don't have the answers, at least the ones you want to hear.

2004-07-15T19:15:15Z

I think I'm going to go to the HLH show tonight.
Everyone should go.
Let's party down.
I want Bill to come. I feel like I just ditch him night after night.
But, Bill, it's not meant like that.

We don't have a title for this. I don't have a title before my name. I'm a sucker for the poison I'm spitting.
Tragic fatalities spoken in folly.
Who helps the fifth hand of the clock rotate?
Because we've got days, hours, minutes, seconds, and then there's one more.
No one knows what it means.
But, it's always just an arm length.
From the vision, dialogue.
I am alone.
I am comfortable in groups.
I don't know why I'm afraid.
Let's just call this a social coma.

I marry and divorce mother nature. This isn't a secret.
A day in the life of your neighborhood butcher, in the back room of the supermarket, where you never look.
Did you ever get it right?
There is no cure for your insect bites.
Cultivate the irritation. And make it work for you.
Your little workers in the fields.
This is the most tragic event.
But just wait until I rise to just die again.
Put the pen down and watch the scenery develop.
And pick your perfect shutter speed and your perfect second.
Capture.

Maybe, a new experience?

Don't run away. The second look is the better.

It's not about that. It's about the little things. Those, extra 10 minutes.

2004-07-15T06:57:34Z

Today was a strange day.
Tonight was a... strange night.
We heard some music.
We drove to the music. It was some show at the Broadmoor.

Oh, yeah, I got my car. It's am '87 Integra. Haha, whatever. It drives.
But, more is wrong with it than I thought.
So, I have to get that fixed. But, after noon on Friday, I'll have it, in perfect working order.

I'm applying at Home Depot and Starbucks.
I need a job bad...
But, I think I found an apartment suiting, for me.

Well, you see. There's this girl. I think she's pretty cute.
But, there's just something about her, behind the surface.
Way more than she shows. I want to figure out what it is.

So, self evaluation? Is this really me? Because, oh, I hope not...
You were right.

LIfe's not a bitch. Life is a beautiful woman.

2004-07-13T20:24:27Z

one hundred hungry citizens
whose memories we erase
the precession of people in a passionate parade
a guilt trip gift from god that she's giving
the lust after life living less luck than lasting attention
and a sad soul sat solemn and unannounced
friends fight for freedom from fashion ounce by ounce
wishing wells were what we wanted in our backyards
but divided lines between barbed wire and guards
towering above us rifle in hand
struggle, your mind, we'll constantly expand
and this, is this, this is our place
fantasy phantoms feel pain from carrying suitcases
we're heading to oakland to meet our friends
when we end up fight a hundred in defense
these citizens, they're hungry, they need food
they need hope, shelter, for theirs is crude
they need sons to help fathers keep dignity
yeah, they just need someone
i just need someone

My life is so unfamiliar to me.

2004-07-13T18:25:43Z

I just got the mail.

Selective Service System
P.O. Box 94736
Palatine, IL 60094-4736

Enclosed is your official registration acknowledgment card.

So, I open it up.

I don't have to register. I'm already registered. They just mailed me a card with my selective service number on it. I am 86-0592758-4.
For the rest of my life.
I'm becoming less a person, and more a number, the closer adulthood comes.

I turn 18 in exactly a week. And I am scared. I know that it's not a big deal to a lot of people. But it's just the start of so much change. And I really don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I wonder, when I wander home, If I'll be fit to drink alone.

2004-07-13T17:08:20Z

It's words you forget. To anniversary songs.
The bottles bite back.
Your tolerance, wrong.
Your good intentions count for little anymore
If you're sorry, then why wage war?
I'm not fully convinced that there's something wrong with this.
Could another point of view, baised and untrue, tear me away from you?
Will you be my valentine if I'm a world away?
Apologies are breaking me.
The constants aren't so constant anymore.
For two days, I wait for calls to come through.
Tonight, for me, translates to yesterday to you.
You bend and you wave when you're barely away.
I wish I could say tonight that, when you bend and wave goodbye, you'd take me with you.

-----

I've just felt sick to my stomach for days. I don't ever feel like eating. I think about it, and it just makes me feel more sick.
I've been so energetic, though.
Yesterday, Joel, Ben and I went on a hike. Ben and I talked about it-- base jumping. When we were upon the huge cliffs. But, how it'd never work, and I just thought. About jumping, without a parachute. What it'd feel like to free fall for a thousand feet. And, with little hope of landing upright. And, if I did, breaking both legs. But, up until impact, I'd fly.

I want wings. I want to soar. I don't want a parachute.

I want to jump out of a plane. I want to reach terminal velocity, and then just spread my wings and drift away.

And maybe I'll land somewhere near the others from my flight. But, the way things have been, as of late. I'd be lucky to see one familiar face.
Life is full of change. And, I think I'm ready to change, as well.
That, I may need to follow through on my California dreams.
When, this whole time, I had my heart set on Florida. But, I wanted a head start-- and now, I'm not so sure if I'm willing to follow.
I don't know what are my dreams and what are just ideas.

I just know that I can't stay here and fight the quicksand. It'll only make me sink deeper.
And right now, I've got a log to pull myself out on to. And, maybe, soon, I'll have the strength to do so.
But, right now. I'm halfway submerged. It's comfortable, though.

I don't go out at night anymore. I just don't feel like it. I don't ever feel tired, either. I lie awake when it's dark. And I wake up earlier every day. Going to bed later every night.

Am I super human?

I've got so many strengths, but only two real weaknesses.
One, I've overcome.
And the other, I've left behind.

I never imagined I'd be like this.
I've got a disease.
And... a cape?

Yes, I read the treaty.

2004-07-13T07:14:00Z

This origami dream is beautiful. But, man, those wings will never leave the ground without a feather and a lottery ticket.
Now, settle down.

"Now every month or so, she'd get a knock upon the front door. Just one of the neighbors acting nice, although she was a strange girl, really. Say, 'Lucy, wanna join me for some lunch?' Lucy would smile and say 'I'm busy, thank you much'. And they would make a weird face the second the door shut and run and tell their friends how truly crazy Lucy was. And Lucy knew what people thought but didn't care because while they spread their rumors through the street, she'd paint another masterpiece."

i didn't come here for a visit
i've got a purpose
and it's to find it where it lays
within the worst
between the rocks, pocket change, and disgust
between the best lies you've ever had
and the settling for less,
you'll learn to
frown when you're happy
but you're depressed
and i'm keeping a smile out of the corner of my mouth
when you're not looking...
i'm loud
when i drink, the stars always line up
or i close my eyes and assume so because i don't want to test my luck
when the crows are singing and the robin's nest has been robbed
your brother lost his watch and he's searching for a cause
we know too many people that dreams died
inside
them this past century, finding comfort in the middle somewhere
this is
an end to a life without pride
here's distress: the recipe
i'm frantic
i just may be another
is this meant to be?
do i really have a place?
should i really bother?
being a troubled teen set aside by a father he doesn't know
my friend rick
defends his mother and runs away to mexico
the child abuse, the paying the bills,
and without the will power to ~~live~~
at least with his girlfriend he's willing to give
and to show his love to her
because without him, where would she be?
would she be happy and pretend he
is the best she'll ever get
or at least treats him as so
is she naive or just in the family?
dulling life's colors with a paintbrush soaked in kerosine
spent too much time at work the last few years
misreading the mixed signals from his wife
he never pays attention to his queen
whereas i'm only focused to a certain extent
i can't hope for better when i'm doing my best to hide the hope i live behind
hiding from my presence in the same atmosphere
with my worst enemy
and the chase that he's after
does he want me?
does he want me to teach him?
what lessons can he learn from his unsettled stomach
insecurity
well, he's got to grow up and be somebody, someday, so what better place than now?
i'll take him under my wing,
show him the ropes,
let him have his freedom until he prosecutes his hopes
and blames them for the prayers that didn't come true
when he believed and his best friend was just taken from him
he'd never had family and he loved her
he just wanted to lift the veil and kiss her
but their parents wouldn't allow
they were strict, even on that day
when, they could only bow their heads and pray
to the goddess forever lost inside a story with no end
a boy, a father, he begins to condescend
you're not strong unless you show everyone how
to what degree
what proximity
you'll land
but as long as it's far from me, i won't have to run away
i won't even have to communicate
i can
just wonder
just wander
just... leave me be

I deserve this.

2004-07-13T02:23:39Z

I watched Insomnia.
It's with Al Pacino and Robin Williams.
It's a great movie through and through.
But the ending could have been just a smidge better.
I do recommend it, though.

I want life to be genuine. I want what I feel to be real.

2004-07-12T18:27:12Z

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming, so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open. Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been. So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets. But everything seemed different and completely new to me. The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body. And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet. I came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said, "I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh, yes, you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So, I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure of it. Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile." So, that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself. It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope. That is why I'm singing... Baby, don't worry because now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve of love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole. But if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall. Then I think we would see the beauty. Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

-----

Drive. Oh, wait. I will.

_snowlikegold @ 2004-07-12T09:00:00

2004-07-12T14:58:53Z

"Is it real or is it just habit?"

If it were habit, it'd have to happen regularly.
Who knows what reality is, anymore?

You will smile again for the first time.

2004-07-11T20:45:18Z

I woke up and it was different.
I had hope.
On my own account, though.
Today is the first day of my new life.

I know I never tell her
But every single day man
I’m always thinking loads about her
She’s the best thing that ever happened to me
And I don’t know what I’d do without her

This is me. This is me trying to find myself.
This is for me.
A Sunday's worth of inspiration.

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