Heading out to deep water

details

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 17:57:17 GMT

It has been steadily raining for two days.

I have mostly been prepared for school - supplies, books, bento lunches, a novel for the bus. My backpack, a vintage military green-canvas one, is holding up really well and I think it's going to be perfect.

ALWAYS: bentos + water + Sketchbook and pen + camera + wallet + notebook (+umbrella)

organize + plan + (Worst Case scenario / most likely outcome - excess weight) - least likely needs, then raise it all to the power of 'Wing It'.

I got a locker in the art building where I put a change of clothes, grubby tennis shoes, a big 'ol shirt of LostIdol's that I use as a smock, an apron, and all my supplies. (It's a filthy thing, that locker - I gotta remember to bring something to clean it with.)

I have the bus schedules pretty well in my head and I know which line to stand in, now. Coming back late at night is more fraught with peril but I found a safe place to wait out any lag-time.

Being here in college again feels very forward-and-backward: I have been here before, long ago... but I look forward to being in school for a few years. I sit in the quad each sunny day - it's always called "the quad", isn't it, that place of grass and criss-cross sidewalks where everyone hangs out? - and phantom people run through my mind. I wish they were with me. I wish I could talk with them and share this all, so much that's new and fun and scary and crazy and wonderful. I wish we could eat our bentos together, stealing food from each other and laughing at our classes and teachers and classmates. Sharing our lives.

Mostly I look for Ch4rm to come walking up the path toward me, his blond hair curling around his face and his head shining like a halo'd saint in the sun's backlight. Sometimes, to put that irrationally part of my head to sleep for a bit, I tell it that Ch4rm's in class this hour - he'll come walk home with us after our last class.

He never does come.

But I always pack a little extra dessert, just in case.

Drats.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:41:42 GMT

I just got a new phone - a palm centro! It is pink as cotton candy and it's going to be an awesome help for school - I'm thinking of a name and I'd love it if I could figure out how the darn thing works.

Ohmybuttons! Ohmymenus! Ohmy where the heck is the wallpaper screen?!?

Either no one's txted me in two days or I can't figure out how to make that work, either.

I don't think I have the right gmail password in here.

Again - I just want to see date and time and a pretty picture. IS THAT SO WRONG?!

...I know this phone is unlike anything I've ever had, but I don't like feeling so dumb.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS - I HAVE TO MAKE A SKETCHBOOK AND FINISH READING FOR ART HISTORY TOMORROW. Oh, which idea (that I have for a sketchbook) is brilliant, by the way, and also costs me no money at all.

Someone txt me and see if I get anything? Please?

...

I should go to bed. I have to be up at 5, take the bus at 6 and sit through 3 classes thereafter.

I can only find 6 numbers in here. I'M DOING IT WRONG.

Just another manic monday ...where omg I start college

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:23:40 GMT

My friend mistybell74 just had the most adorable baby and I am BURSTING with pride for both those brave girls and my stalwart friend Sam, too. Oh, there is much sighing and *squee*ing and some secret longing, too, over here in Colorado, I'll tell you! Babies, GUH. Congrats, you guys!

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First things first:

SCOOBYGANG LUNCH, TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS AT 11:30 IN THE QUAD
(the grassy area between the art bld, the health ctr, and that adobe church).

I'll be there tomorrow - txt me if you'd like - but maybe just come over and look for the tighrope walkers, jugglers or the acrobats practicing on the grass because I'll be near there. Hey, not only a fun lunch but entertainment too! Who takes care of ya, baby? If you miss this, never fear - I'll be there every tuesday and thursday. Join me next time!

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Last night when my friend K calmed me down about my little first-day-of-school jitters and in the process explained what "Interdisciplinary Foundations" class was, she mentioned that she first met some of our California friends in this class.

Well, I met them too.

I didn't meet who I thought I was going to: I wanted to meet my Gary (which is one of the friends who K met those few years ago in HER IF class). Though obviously I didn't meet everyone in my IF class I didn't meet my Gary - but I DID meet my Mike, talked for a long while with my Timb (now-Timb, not then-Timb), impressed my Marc with a series of puns and sat next to my Amanda. It was, frankly, unbelievable. And awesome. And ...wow, as a heretofore English major and as a Math major I have to ask: do the art teachers writing these syllabuses really think that they are saying anything objective at all? Because it is the most vague and meaningless series of pages filled with indistinct words and theory I have EVER read. I have no idea even how I can even be graded on the basis of any stated rubric (and I use that term VERY loosely), let alone get a good grade!

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A regular came in the coffeeshop today - he was an elementary school principle for something like 50 years. As he was leaving he slipped something into my hand and said,

"I understand how hard it is for you - I was a single dad for a lot of years. I see how hard you work, but I know you can't be making near enough when you're trying to go to school. So get your girls some Lisa Frank pencils and your boys some cool folders on me, will ya? You do a great job with them."

I thanked him, in shock as he walked away, and when I looked down to the bill he had given me I saw that ALL the kids could get some really cool school supplies instead of the generic stuff I had priced out for them. It made my heart feel very tender and for a good long time I had to breath deep to keep from crying, I was so moved. And grateful. And I kept thinking people are really nice.

PS keep_your_style just texted me and congratulated me on making it through my first day of school and it made me feel ridiculously proud of myself and also impressed she was so thoughtful! Again: wow, people; kindness.

Sunday thoughts flying like clouds

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:42:03 GMT

I'm working with Farmboy today at the coffeeshop. He's a big-time drummer; not in a band, you know, I mean drum corps. Blue Devils, etc. - it's a big deal if you're into this sort of thing, believe me. I'm not into that scene but I love drum (and bass) because of the driving nature of the rhythms and especially the low concuss of the drum - goes straight to my heart. Farmboy teaches drumline at the local high school and goes to college downtown. He often drums on things while he's waiting for food to come up or what have you, complicated patterns on the off-rhythm or one beat with one hand and then something different from the other hand on another object. It's something that's happening in his head, is the thing, because it's never loud and rairly audible from two steps away - if you didn't know he was doing it you wouldn't notice by the sound. I especially love when we listen to rockin' music on the radio while he's waiting for a burrito to come from the microwave - he has two plastic containers to drum on (green chili and salsa) and he has a minute to build into all these complicated rhythms and his hands, by the end, just fly. We've been working together most weekends for about a year now and he's comfortable with me watching him and even smiles when I gasp because of some fancy thing he does. I hope he never stops - it makes me happy.

**********
Farmboy and I listened to Billy Joel for a couple hours this morning and of course I thought of Sir Kent the whole time. I know, I know; give it up, Skye. But you don't understand, though; Sir Kent was just so amazingly...! OK I know every stupid girl says the same thing, You don't understand; we were SPECIAL because..., but I'm telling you that it was different because, well - we're something special! Seriously, together we're just...! And sometimes he'd...! And then something would happen and he'd get this look on his face and I'd just know...! STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES, LIGHT9, I CAN SEE THAT. All right, fine, fine; moving on...

**********
This morning a guy came in and he was so tired he was having a problem deciding what he wanted. I went on to the next guy in line, a regular who I make breakfast and a latte for every morning, while Farmboy waited on the first guy. Chatting and joking with my regular, I moved into the kitchen to make the breakfast sandwich. Farmboy came into the kitchen, chuckling, to get ice for the first guy's smoothie.

"So he decided, did he?" I said, dancing a little to the music as I cut the croissant in two.
"Well, no. And yes." Farmboy said, going to the back and returning with the ice.
"What do you mean?" I said, scrambling the egg in a cup.
"After thinking for a while, and watching you and [regular guy] talk, he leaned in and said, very seriously, 'I will have whatever the f^$# she had this morning.' I told him you drink water all day and suggested a smoothie."

Farmboy and I laughed about that for a bit; all day we'd randomly turn to the other person and say "What the heck did you have this morning?!"

**********
The rest of my little family came back from Oregon last night and I met them at the airport. I like to park and go in to meet people when they fly in - ever since I was a little girl, going into the airport to meet someone at the gate (or the foyer, now) meant love to me. I'm not exactly sure why taking the few minutes to short-term park and be there to wait for the baggage together means so much to me, but it's like getting presents- it just feels good, like love. So I was there to hug the babies as they exited the train and we all hugged together in a happy floor-pile for a bit, laughing and hugging and kissing and smiling and all talking at once. Knowing how much fun they were having on vacation I tried not to miss them too much, but it was SO GOOD to see them! I don't know how fond they'll feel of me after dinner, when they have to put ALL their clean clothes away in their closets in preparation for school on Tuesday! Well, but I'm making brownies for dessert so perhaps I will be forgiven for being a meanie taskmaster after all.

**********
I start college tomorrow.

Walk On.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 06:47:51 GMT

Hello, Skye.

You are thrashing about, doing more harm than good.

Let's talk about this.

First... put down the flamethrower. You're going to put someone's eye out.

I know it feels like you are awkward and gawky to a level heretofore experienced only in jr high school. I am here to tell you that unfortunately it's not untrue, BUT it's also for the best. You are unsure what to expect (or how to dress, or act, or...) for school, uncomfortable in social situations because you feel like you are a noob with nothing to add to the conversation, and you feel like no one understands you or really cares about your life other than your sister.

...wow, that IS like jr. high. You remember how you had to go to school for the first few days of St. Margaret's in street clothes rather than the uniform that everyone else had to wear? You wore 'cool clothes' - I remember the cut-up, off-the-shoulder 80s style Mickey Mouse sweatshirt with stovepipe jeans specifically - and though you were quite the popular thing in your public jr high, you were nothing in St. Margaret's; your clothes, cool or not, only served to emphasize the difference between you and every other rich, been-there-since-first-grade person at that school. Yeah, you were alone that year and most of the next, weren't you? In jr. high you didn't have a friend who cared about you, not even a sister (poor dear, going through her own things) - you'd read walking the halls or at lunch, your nose always buried in a book. You were lucky if you had a conversation a day with anyone at school. You understood something was wrong with you - being the only one in all the world who was alone, you must have deserved it. Everyone must have been able to see the Broken you couldn't seem to find, to fix. How sad, but that was just the way things were.

I can see you're going to cry; sorry, Skye, sorry. I have a point. Should I tell you it? Ok.

All that time, at St. Margarets - it wasn't so bad. You read some excellent books and that's when you started programming, remember? Sweet little 5 inch floppies that were, well - floppy! It was a better school than public for sure, and the place you learned you understood higher Calculus - even though you had never seen it before. Do you remember the ring you had for 10 years, the square ruby as big as your fingernail? You would catch and shatter the light coming in the tall window next to you as you sat in your pew during Chapel - so beautiful, Skye, rainbows on your white shirt and the facets throwing beams into your eyes. Your lunch of Cup-of-Soup, Martinelli's Sparkling Cider and a Kit-Kat for dessert each day with Heinlein and Asmov. You learned to dissemble chameleon-like to escape persecution - a lesson that's served you well, on occasion.

I can see you remember. Amazing how strong those memories are, isn't it? And this time, now - you'll remember the good times one day and forget how lonely it is to live through. And you DO have people who support you and care very deeply - Court and the padawans are there for you in ways you will never be able to repay. Fae and K and dad too, in their kindness, do as much as they can inside the business of their own lives.

So if no one actively asks you about the specific details of your life or how it feels to be a single mother of a gazillion children or how it is to be achieving an 'unreachable' dream; If no one knows how you turned your work situation around or how you got out of kissing that boy; if you will likely not get the opportunity to tell anyone how it was like a RPG quest to register or what it was like to be a part of a circus troupe... well, it is no worse than the few years of junior high. Realistically (though you hate to do it) you do have other friends who you can make listen to your experiences, if you need to talk about them - heaven's knows, many single people don't have even THAT much (many married people, either). Having a few caring friends is as much as you can expect right now: you will continue to build your relationships with girlfriends and you'll likely find someone special again who'll really want to know all these things about your life, and ask... but all that takes time and effort, and meanwhile you will be expending maximum energy living through school and work and mothering.

So stop fighting the loneliness and awkwardness. Get better at being your own Memory-Keeper. Learn to process alone instead of through discussion. Resign yourself to being ignorant in classes and networking events and your new chosen field. Be calm about being awkward socially. Minimize damage by being humble, apologetic, quiet, and attentive ...be like water, as they say in yoga. You have to go through it, like you went through jr. high. This time you know that you're not going to be like this forever; you know that this sort of stage always ends, and in this case there is nothing you can do to hasten it. You are in the dark now - you can curse it a bit, if you need to, but just stay still and stop flailing around. Soon your eyes will adjust and you'll see a tiny speck of light; keep your eyes on it and calmly walk on.

Just in case - I'm going to keep this flamethrower over here for a while.

Colorado Renaissance Festival

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:35:32 GMT

takumi and I used to see each other once a week at least, and life (as it does) moved on and we both got busy, seeing each other for awesome hockey games regularly. But this summer we didn't see each other anymore. This? Not. Ok. So we fixed that! I took the day off on Sunday, the only Sunday I have ever taken off (other than for a long vacation) - just a random Sunday of leisure to spend with my friend Steve. And do you know what we did? Let me give you a hint:

A HA! FOOD ON STICKS! BEER! HAPPY HAPPY FACES! IT MUST BE...

The Colorado Renaissance Festival!

Had an awesome Sunday eating and laughing our way through the day, oh yes indeed! For those just joining us: takumi is the manly fellow, geminijedi is the beautiful dark-haired girl (wife of Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Post-aequitasrequiro), and light9/Court/my sister is the cutie-cute in pigtails. Favorites of the festival included the Ded Bob show, Washing Well Women, Puke and Snot, the Tourney of ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES, the Mocking Tomato Man and food. Lots and lots of FOOD.

(click on the photo to go to the Flickr page where there are notes on the photo - mouse over it.)

I will tell you that I ate that whole darn crepe myself, yes. Also that we are NOT going to tell aequitasrequiro what-all we ate and ESPECIALLY not what his lovely wife ate! ...though she is sort of taking a bite of that chocolatey ice cream thing in the pic, isn't she? Well, um...it's not hers! She's, ah, um, she's - er- holding it for a friend! Yeah! Also, Court is asleep in the car while I drive home, awww. In't she sweet? And so QUIET ...when she's sleeping. *snicker*

Special thanks goes out to takumi who patiently came with us as we looked for rings. I seem incapable of deciding on a ring for myself because I want them all once I see them! I would do better grabbing some stranger, telling him "Size 4", thrusting money into his hand and pushing him into the store. I'd love whatever he came out with, I assure you. I aaaalmost got a henna tattoo, but if I'm going to do something that'll stay on me for a few weeks I think I'll wait and do it with a California friend. ...yes, THIS is what I've come to: I'm freaked out at the prospect of committing to TWO WEEKS of something. Hey you know what? Shut up. I have padawans, a huge house (and accompanying mortgage/bills), steady job and art school for two years. THAT'S ENOUGH COMMITMENT FOR ANY WOMAN.

(...other than the constant threat of someone committing ME, which is always a possibility.)

I feel I'm Sophie, only younger, so I'll talk to every scarecrow just to be safe.

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:12:12 GMT

I'm off to register Paris for school. Middle school, to be exact. Paris is on vacation until next week or else he would be coming with me and we'd be going about the school finding classes - the same thing I did when I started High School and suddenly I had classes in all different places. I like to know where I'm going, and I like my school to be somewhat familiar cause it's hard enough dealing with new people and teachers and classes - feeling lost in an unfamiliar social and emotional world - without also feeling lost a the physical one.

Not unrelated, I am then going to go to the Park-n-Ride and I'm going to take the bus downtown, timing how long it takes. And then I will somehow find the right lightrail line to get to my new school the University of Colorado at Denver... or another bus? I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to go on campus and take care of some details - college ID card, transportation passes, change my name with the registrar (Skye; do that first, silly). And then I'm off with a map in hand to find MY classes on that campus somewhere.

I have a bento and lots of water, a sketchbook, my cellphone (with a few local friend's numbers on Quickdial), a Hershey's bar and my Iron Nerve. I'm ready.

...wait, where did I put my Iron Nerve again? Hm. Well I've got to go now - I guess Chutzpah will have to do for today.

Wish me luck! *waves hello from the bus window traveling down I-25*

G4: Take One

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 07:29:13 GMT

I worked all day today and I closed the shop alone at 8:30, after which I came home and bullied Court into stopping WoW and helping me clean the kitchen. She mostly hovered about behind me while I cleaned and she also complained that I was leaving all the 'icky parts' for her.

"Ok you want to unload the silverware?" I fumed, "get your butt over here any time of the frickin' day and do it, then. Jeeze. You don't want to what... wipe counters? Put away food that you've left out all day? Take out the overflowing trash? FINE, then come over here and finish the dishes that I started putting away when I got up this morning, early, and did before I went to work all day."

And that is as close to an argument as we'll get.

I finished unloading the dishes, put away/threw away food, washed and loaded the dishes, washed all the pots and pans, took out the trash. I don't know what she did - I don't care. It has to be done, whatever, I'll do it.

Then I went upstairs and though I really just wanted to chill, I drug the vacuum up the stairs to my room. Brought up a little desk, too. Called Courtney upstairs to help me completely re-do my room. Yes, really - I have put it off for WEEKS. I think she could tell I had juuuust about had it because she really worked her butt off as we vacuumed and moved furniture and vacuumed and moved the bed and dusted and vacuumed and moved heavy things. Only once did she, seeing me trying to completely move the california-king bed across the room instead of over 9 inches where it would stay, say anything negative.

"What are you doing? Just shove it over with me."
"I want to dust behind the bed" I said, in full Detail-Girl Mode.
"But...why? I don't think we can move this bed that direction - the wheels are wrong."
"No," I said, straining as it moved nowhere, "I want to dust the floorboards while we're cleaning."
"Skye - this? Is a really big PAIN. And think about it - It didn't bother you this morning, did it? And it won't bother you tomorrow. Just do what we can see and get to, ok?"

I capitulated because... no WAY were just the two of us going to move that big bed anywhere but the way the wheels were pointing. It took us eons and babysteps just to move the dresser from one side of the room to the other! Also, Court was right; overkill would kill me, tonight.

In the end this room is a MESS, knicknacks all on the tetris shelves and my bed half-made and piles of stuff against the far wall. But I did the important part -

I set up a desk and unpacked my sparkly G4 (from mistybell74 and Sam) and HUGE monitor (from lostidol). LOOK HOW PRETTY!!!

I know - is that AMAZING or what?!? I got a total charge out of this, I tell you - tiredness just swept away and I HAD to plug everything in and try it right away!

So I started it and it dinged and came up (WOW IS THAT SCREEN HUGE) and then a pop-up box said something about the date being before March 20001 and this may cause some problems with some applications.

Well, THAT'S no good so I went to system preferences and started to change it but then I noticed the text on the screen went sorta wonky and I got the spinning rainbow of WAIT. Or in this case, the spinning rainbow of DOOM, because the next popup told me to restart by holding the power button for 5 seconds.

Dang.

And from then on, that was the pattern - for hours, nothing I tried worked. Went online and found nothing specific to my identical problem but I saw one thing I tried - I reset the PMU by holding it, even three times... no luck. I don't have instillation disks so I can't start from the optical drive, either. I don't know what's wrong! I don't know enough to figure it out! I am an idiot and EVERYTHING IS DOOMED!

Oh my poor broken heart. Oh my disappointment. Oh my emogirl. Oh my ANGER and also hotness because I had been working HARD and do you know how hot it is in my room?!? HOT hot.

So I guess it's time to go to bed, but I can't help but feel that I have booked a cruise on the Failboat - my room's a DE-ZAS-TER, my computer doesn't work, it's way late, and I have been tired for hours. Waaah!

I am going to eat TWO scotch eggs tomorrow at the Ren Faire and also buy myself a ring - a RUBY ring - because I am good and pretty and smart even if I am right now cranky as an old woman, covered in dust, and cannot make my "It's an Apple! It doesn't hardly need a USER, it's so easy!" work for crap. Everyone knows buying pretty things restores your self-worth as a person, right? Right?

Hmpff!

night out

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:06:31 GMT

By any meaning or requirement of the term (whether a friendly meeting with a girl or boy or a romantic date), I was stood up tonight. I find the ultimate joy and also the most worrisome thing is that as soon as I realized I was stood up and in fact alone in Downtown Denver, I felt suddenly light and very giddy about my night of self-directed possibilities. I've mentioned this previously but the fact that I was RELIEVED not to be social is nothing I've ever experienced in myself before and I'm still weirded out by the strength of it. I really do try to be open to new healthy opportunities to try and 'overwrite my old code', as my therapist is always saying... but just for tonight, I was glad to have an excuse NOT to push any boundaries! I'll keep improving tomorrow, though, promise. *halo*

What I did do was go to an AIGA (American Institute of Graphic Artists) social/recruitment meeting at Little Man Ice Cream (from Downtown go through my favorite park, across the bridge, over the pedestrian bridge spanning 25 and up a few blocks)!

Little Man Ice Cream from Charles R. Carpenter on Vimeo.
Wow, nice people at the meeting and a good little crowd. I think I'll volunteer to help with an event before I pay so much money for a membership, though. I know I'm a student so it's less but I want to join quite a few clubs - the Denver Ad Club, to start! - and I cannot possibly join them all on my $0 budget (I didn't know I'd need a column for 'Professional Organizations' in my spreadsheet of this year's budget. NEXT year, I'll know.)

After the meet-up, my tummy full of ice cream and my brain expanded by conversation, I did one of my favorite go-to alone activities: I meandered through Denver.

I parked at a secret free spot I know of on Wazee and visited my old coffeeshop location, still vacant and sad. I walked down 16th and admired people dressed up fancy and going to dinner (is it my imagination or my sensitivity: everyone was with a companion but ME). I headed down Larimer to my favorite stretch of road, the bit south of 16th with the lights and banners strung up across the street. Inspired by the old buildings, I sat down on a bench outside the Samba Room and sketched the street in my sketchbook until it was too dark to see.

So my evening? It was lovely and darn near perfect. I love it when a plan comes together ;)

Watch me, baby!

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:03:37 GMT

OK I need a highly geek opinion. HENCE THE CONSULTING OF THE FRIEND'S LIST.

I have bought about 7 flash drives. I have lost or destroyed them ALL. If they're loose, I misplace them - and yes I have had dedicated places to keep them and special cases and all that - they go. They're just... not there, one day. And if they're, say, attached to keys or purse I crush, mangle, and otherwise bang the s*%t out of them. THIS IS MY CORE PROBLEM.

I am going to be in art school this upcoming semester. I will have to move information and projects from my G4 here at home (note to self: come up with a name) to the G5 at the school just about every day. I do not want to rely on conventional 'carry a flash drive' (see above) so I have come up with an alternative I think might work:

WEAR MY INFORMATION. Ergo, it will be with me all the time - and I have not yet broken my wrist, so I'm assuming less thrashings. Knock on wood. A-HA, SOLUTION!

First option, this USB Memory Watch has a hidden USB port and 2GB storage for $60. And it's water resistant which is good for busy (read: forgetful) girls who are taking 15 hours at school while working and single-mommying 4 children.

Second option, this Hidden FlashDrive Watch has a hidden flash drive stored within it with 4GB storage for $60 - I'm not sure, though, if towers like the G4 and 5 have slots for flash drives the way my laptop does.

CHOOSE OR PERISH!

View Poll: Who

PS I just made cake so the cake is not a lie where location=my house.

'S all happening a little fast

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:01:14 GMT

If you have called or txt'd me in the past two days I have not gotten them and I didn't know there was a problem. I have phone service for both now so feel free to re-send or call.

In related news, thanks to a kind and knowledgeable friend who's willing to answer dumb questions and walk me through unfamiliar situations, I am working on getting my own phone and account which I should have by next week. I think for the help involved (and the amount of money he's going to save me) it's a small price to start calling Dave "Daddy". Well, and of course I'm positively stoked to have lenaen as an otouto!

As a side note, I'm so nervous about being in the charity fashion show I could throw up. I want to support this, but maybe I should have volunteered to, like, set up lights and fuss with people's clothes backstage. I am VERY good at saying, "You look perfect *nodnod*... now GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE LATE *push*."

Monday report

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:17:43 GMT

Dear ch4rm,

Picking the kids up from the first day of a week-long afternoon soccer camp, the first thing I noticed is they were BEAT. Tired and red-faced and dirty beyond belief. Walking slow and with a slump, they shuffled to the car... and Paris didn't stop to hug me, which just doesn't happen. Cai had been crying - I saw him on the field with his coach - but he likes to talk about things in his own time (and then he likes no not STOP talking, but that's another story) so I left him alone. Maddie was snarling sub-vocally, almost.

I could see they had HAD IT so I pulled the 'ol "Let's go get chocolate shakes!" which had a tiny effect - still, Paris wasn't talking, Cai was tearing up sometimes and Maddie was downright cranky. After 15 minutes of me chattering about funny things and some tasty shakes later, everyone was cooling off and I got some stories.

The soccer camp is mostly practicing soccer (read: RUNNING FOR 3 HOURS) and there are kids from 7-14; Paris is the tallest and Cai is the smallest. I gather there are 1-3 little boys about 8 yrs old who are terrors - bossy, name calling, telling people they 'suck'. Cai was crying because he was SO HUNGRY, he was tired, he didn't know what he was doing and he was told he sucked and every bad thing was his fault one too many times. Paris says the kids even fussed at HIM, they were so mean. I only saw two youngish high-school girls on the field when I was there and that's pretty impossible to keep order with that many kids, so I've called and volunteered to help out on the field. I have no idea what I'll do with Syd, but I'm sure that I don't want a few bad apples to spoil everyone else's fun. Also, 8 year olds swearing with grown-up words is Not. Acceptable.

I made it clear to the kids that they have no choice but to play this out for the week the soccer camp runs, no discussions, so the arguments have ceased and they're resigning themselves to it... which is kind of pathetic, really, but necessary. They aren't too cranky right now but I'm keeping them busy with fun things so they don't let their tiredness get away from them.

They're all very sore. Our big plans for the night include popcorn and I'm going out to get Howl's Moving Castle and the rest of the night is nothing else but cuddling. They are good kids and they like to be happy and have fun - I hope tomorrow is more fun for them.

Wish us luck,

-S

Brought to you by the number 2.5 and the letter 'M'

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 07:11:00 GMT

Though I have in my possession an Apple G4 tower to use for school, I have been looking for an Apple laptop. However, I think my quest for a reasonably priced apple laptop has FAILBOAT written all over it. I'm getting an art degree in Digital Design with an Illustration emphasis and as such, I am going to need to run a LOT of graphic-heavy programs which eat up all sorts of resources - so buying a used 3-year old basic Apple laptop isn't really an option for me, I don't think. Which means a souped-up model. Which means MONEYMONEYMONEY, even with a 'student discount'. Which means sacrifice: borrowing money from someone initially and paying it back out of each of my paychecks over time, and then the kicker: no new clothes, makeup, jewlery, little rewards, meals out or trips anyplace (*SOB!*) for the next 9 months at least. Which breaks my heart and feels like a LONG TIME!

Am I wrong about my computing needs? Those in art or design or who know about these things: do I need 2.5GHz intel core 2 duo, 2GB, 300GB hard drive, NVIDIA GeForce 8600M GT with 512MB or am I fine with a little 2.4GHz intel core 2 duo, 2GB, 250GB hard drive? I wish I knew what kind of programs I'd be running - I know I'm using InDesign and Photoshop and Painter and in addition I'll be doing motion graphics and animation and some rigging, etc. Please help me make a decision for the future, those in the know? Even just opinions are welcome.

In other ~~COMPLETELY RANDOM~~ news, oh my Errol Flynn this mustache is the greatest thing in the world! This picture is from a pirate costume party I went to this weekend which one of my friends throws yearly - you'd think that to grow something like this would be too much just to dress like a pirate for a night. But for THIS pirate party it certainly is appropriate - THAT is how epic this party is! And man, he rocks that 'stache, doesn't he?

There may not be enough 70s mustaches in my life.

That is all.

(PS She is his girlfriend and we're all good friends; sorry, everyone, both those pretty people are taken.)

"It's not a perfect metaphor..."

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 04:38:27 GMT

As recc'd by natantus: You want to go watch this right now: Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Courtney and I watched the first two and gaffawed ourselves silly. Even now, we are still randomly quoting lines at each other at inopportune moments. And then we watched the whole thing and we were like, "...WOAH." We're still talking about it. (Don't miss the "Read the Master Plan" button on the bottom of the page)

In other news - as could be absolutely predicted, I am media's ideal audience: I am ridiculously in love with Dr. Horrible, who isn't even REMOTELY my type. Have no fear - this affection does not in any way take away my desire for Light, nor my caretaking-impulses for L, nor my lust for... well, you get the point. I'm nothing if not loyal ~~to all of my boys~~.

:) You're welcome.

While you were sleeping

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 20:34:10 GMT

Feeling better in my body today, but taking it slow.

The pleasure and problem with sleepless nights (when I'm coherent and not in tortuous pain, kthnx) is that there is so much TIME at night to fill. 9 hours of night is SO much more than 9 hours of day, isn't it? Unfair, that. But I occupied myself how I could. I read/watched:

Emperor of China: Self-Portrait of K'ang-Hsi by Jonathan Spence

Bleach, Episode 132: Hitsugaya, Karin and Soccer Ball (It has Ichigo's sister and Court's favorite Captain, Toshiro. It was adorable!)

I Used to Miss Him... but my Aim is Improving by Allison James

Researched GTD and moleskine hacks for said system; also student moleskine hacks (for when I start school in the fall)

Last 25 pages of a Psychology book (which is late at the library, oops!)

Drew an old lady smoking a pipe (from photo ref).

So, Emperor of China - that seems a random addition, doesn't it? Here's the connection: Courtney has books lying about in boxes. She loves sci-fi and gets attached to her books, re-reading them over the course of her year, and she's also a history major (as she will tell you WITH SOME VEHEMENCE when making certain points in discussions) and so she has lots of interesting tomes of the scholarly type about, too. I have not seen her reading these - no doubt she means to, when she gets the time ~~and WoW crashes~~.

Anyway, I read Emperor of China: Self-Portrait of K'ang-Hsi by Jonathan Spence last night. The book re-creates thoughts and the life of K'ang-hsi, emperor of the Manchu dynasty from 1661-1772. All the material from the book comes from primary sources; most were things written in K'ang-hsi's own hand (in red ink, which only the Emperor was allowed to use). It was no dry historical text but a living peek into K'ang-hsi's life - sometimes lovely and full of happiness and vigor, sometimes sad and troubling. Of course in my current sick state I empathized with the Growing Old section, but I also had some awesome insights during the Ruling and especially Thinking sections - K'ang-hsi was an uncommonly straightforward and practical man, not given to think godly of himself in the face of everyone obviously treating him like one.

I Used to Miss Him and the psychology book were fun but rehash what I already know but seem to be unable to transition TO yet, if you know what I mean. GTD research was in prep for school, because I've heard so much about it, but meh - I can do things my own way, better. And the drawing was just because I love to draw and also Old Woman was OLD. Dang.

Bleach is a show Court is going to choose episodes for us to watch together sometime; Ep. 132 was a filler ep, so I didn't need to know much. Certainly we won't give up watching Soul Eater (OMG episode 14 was excellent!) and I need to finish Death Note before I am spoiled for it, but Bleach is one of Court's favorites and next on our mutual list.

And just for you, my pretties: Follow along in my days!

The padawans and I are watching an episode or two of CardCaptor Sakura before bed each night. Our DVDs wore out and broke so we're constrained to watching it on Youtube (bleh yuck quality) which makes me sad and I'm tempted to borrow it from someone. I'm guessing... Josh? You have this? Oh I know you must...

Finally, I invite you all to come with me to this week's events which are on the Calendar: (Events including padawans are marked with *)

Monday, Pecha Kucha Night! Young designers from all fields, each with 20 slides showing for 20 seconds each. Like speed dating for creative inspiration!

Tuesday*, Boba for all good little girls and boys. You may not come unless you have done all your chores, not made your brother cry, and your yoga teacher says you've done a good job in your poses! :)

Wednesday, Bliss and real Jazz. Bring your sketchbook!

Thursday morning*, Olde Town Arvada Farmer's Market (morning trip). Apples and pears and fresh lettuce - maybe new jam for you, if you push Syd on the swings so I don't have to.

Friday, conversational spanish happy hour. (Oh c'mon - your spanish can't be any worse than MINE!)

Please call or txt me about coming with me/us - love to have you, invitation open to all!

I DO NOT LIKE IT, Sam I Am.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:47:04 GMT

I think I handle stress pretty well. In the midst of it I go into this 'emotional macgyver-mode' and sort of do what has to be done, using whatever I have available to get through it, with more or less whining around the edges. So though I have had quite a few blows to my equilibrium lately, I was doing all right - slogging through, dealing with the issues I could and setting up meetings with the people who could problem-solve with me. Oh sure, I have been told (repeatedly) that stress causes illness - but I am an active, hearty woman and I don't believe in giving in to that sort of thing.

...well, not until yesterday. OH MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS - I DO BELIEVE, NOW.

Yesterday at 3am my low-grade fever (which I do sometimes get when things are tense, so I don't think anything of it) blossomed into a true chills-and shaking one, and suddenly a major vital body process went haywire. At least it was no purging flu, for which I'm grateful, but my body progressively lost what little control it had and I ended up in a 10 minute time-loop of progressively worsening symptoms.

Oh my spokes and spines, it was bad.

And as proud as I am about my coping strategies with stress or problems, when it comes to physical sickness? FORGEDDABOUDIT. It's End-of-the-World, scroll-rolling-up Nuclear Apocalypse for my poor psyche and tiny body. No future, no past; only progressive pain forever. I would rather DIE then go on another minute in uncontrolled body impulses and pain - like I told Courtney, only that damned 8-minute window of torment, which utterly ruined my cognitive powers, kept me from killing myself but whatever painless means I would have thought up. [Note to self - do not EVER think up painless ways to off myself. This may be the only thing saving me when I get seriously ill.]

In the early morning of my sickness I searched the internet in the intervening 2-minute window of the hold-the-pain-back phase, and once the world was sufficiently awake I made what calls I could to get myself taken care of and then put myself on autopilot. A looooong day later, I had been given what I needed to stop the worst of the physical symptoms, pills and practices to reverse some of the pressing physical damage which had been done, and I had ingested a modern cocktail of drugs to hopefully regulate everything again in a few days. I feel better tonight: Court is an angel as usual, my coherence can be sustained for 20 minutes at a time, now, and my pain is no worse than bad cramps - which I happen to know I can certainly live through and get out the other side, so I hope I am out of danger as far as wanting to kill myself. The fever is brutal but the killer antibiotics will see to that soon enough. I have to give it 2 days until they can see me again and perhaps do more - my body's own toxins, while dangerous, are nothing compared to the damage that could be done with the wrong mixture of the strong drugs they could have me on. This is fine, as I am one tired kitten and don't wish to have to go anywhere farther than downstairs for a while.

It seems impossible that I could go through so much in just a day. I mean duh, I know, medical emergencies happen in a day, don't they? Strokes and heart attacks and such - they're always sudden, always make people say, "But I just saw him yesterday...", like that should mean anything. I am a little disappointed in myself that I can't say that I'm coming out of this with any big perspective full of platitudes about Living Life to the Fullest or Appreciating What You Have. Could be the fever talking, still, but it just seems like my little body, and my equally small life, are at the mercy of forces that I am obviously helpless against. This makes me a pessimist - and a bitter one, doesn't it? Yeah, well, I'm just really disappointed at my own suseptability to negative forces that have the power to completely rob me of my will to live in 6 painful hours.

Everything in that last paragraph pretty much sucks. This negativity had better be a part of the sickness, and go away as the toxins leave my body.

Cosmic surfing

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 22:35:50 GMT

I have been working very hard to get ready for the next two weeks - it's going to be crazy and random but fun! I'm working merchandising at Anime Expo the first week of July, which is exciting of course, but I am even MORE proud of the work I've done making connections and networking here in Colorado. After I come back from AX the babies have Daddy Week - which means that they stay with their dad all week (*whimper*) but it leaves me with a golden opportunity to get things done on the WEEKDAYS! So, I have TONS of meetings that I've scheduled with all SORTS of people - from assisting photographers to meeting with my academic adviser - toward understanding more about this art field that I'm going into. And I am SO EXCITED! I am a true Saint, like my father before me - I am interested and fascinated by people and all the things that they do, and somehow people are kind enough to let me into their worlds. I don't have any illusions that I'm going to decide What I Want To Do When I Grow Up in just one week, but the experiences I'll have will help me down that path and, hopefully, open more doors too.

I fly out of Denver tomorrow, Monday night - right before I fly out I have my first networking stop-by, with a gentleman who runs a local indie art gallery and needs a receptionist on First Friday - and I get to see quite a few of you in California this trip before I return home: Jeff, Justin, Kacie, Henri,agentkinesis, e_ticket, elbeno, light9, lostidol, starbunnie777, and maybe greatbiggary and meyerlemon if I'm lucky! I also hope to see some of you at AX where I have a few surprises up my sleeve *wiggle eyebrows* - please txt me if you're going/when you get there so I can meet up with you for a bit at least, ok? (Also, I get 'employee discounts' on merc...)

I doubt that I'll be on my computer much after Sunday night, so please use my phone to get a hold of me for, let's say, the next two weeks. And wish me luck - I don't actually have many of my plans locked down (the hazards of needing to plan around and ~~in spite of~~ with other people) but so far the universe and my friends are coming through right nicely in filling up my days and getting me to the places I need to be.

*Throws arms open and falls into the cosmos*

Terrible horrible no good very bad day

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:14:27 GMT

Thank goodness I was working with FarmBoy, who is easygoing and has a great sense of humor, because pretty much it felt like the whole world was INSANE. But like all of life, when I look back now I can see there were causal agents.

My long shift at work yesterday (I opened at 5:45am) started with the air conditioning out. Hmmm. Doors open solved some of that, but once it got hot...

And then my favorite patron came in almost first thing when I opened and I gave him a drink which wasn't to his liking. "Will you put more caramel in this?" he said, "it tastes horribly bad." So I did but man - that was a LOT of caramel! He left and the next time I steamed the milk I smelled it clearly - IT WAS BAD MILK. What?! I just opened the container!

All told, every milk in the front of the refrigerator was rancid because the refrigerator wasn't cooling. EEEEEEEWWWWWWW. (And I served it to a patron!!?!)

So then Farmboy and I gave the milk to one of our clients to dump into the sink, which she did... but the sink, having received one disgusting thing too many, choose that moment to CLOG COMPLETELY UP. Oblivious, FarmBoy and I continued helping patrons in the front while our client continued pouring rancid milk into the sink where it overflowed at the floor-emptying spigot, flooded the kitchen and ran UNDER THE WALL into the main eating area!!!

By the time we stopped our client from flooding the kitchen (not her fault, poor dear) it was a disaster. A hot coffeeshop + rancid milk everywhere = a BIG mess to clean and a stench, maybe impossible to fix right then. Many large appliances broken, and now? A shortage of milk. Which as you can imagine is a BIG problem for a coffeeshop!

FarmBoy and I were both so flustered by these events that we had a hard time cleaning up and dealing with the disaster while also helping to serve the patrons - make food and drinks and business-as-usual type things. Or clients got flustered too and this made them act strangely, which was just another thing to deal with. We TRIED to get things more normal but having limited locations to use and resources, it was impossible - and then the random clumsy chaos of stress kicked in.

I dropped a shot on my foot, staining my new shoes and burning my ankle. We kept making food incorrectly which had to be last-minute-fixed - nothing went out wrong, but it all took more time than it should have. Whip cream forgotten, flavorings for the coffee forgotten, moving into and bumping each other in ways that we have NEVER had a problem with before, FarmBoy and I.

It was cascade failure, is what it was. Chernobyl.

By the end of my shift I was wiped. We had flooded the kitchen disastrously twice, the refrigerator was still broken, the air was off, and that drain - the smell coming from it was WRONG. SO I did the only thing I could think of to do, just before I left: I took on the most odious task there was, and resolved to at least try to unclog the drain.

Another coworker, MasterChef, and I put on rubber dishwashing gloves and I figured out how to remove the grate over the drain. The smell was indescribable and the sludge inside that drain-box... well I could describe it but I will spare you. Even through my gloves, the texture and consistency of it rivaled any abhorrent mess I have ever come in contact with. (And I'm a mom - that's SAYING SOMETHING) But we kept digging and clearing (FarmBoy trying to support us verbally, but having to walk out the door numerous times lest he throw up) until we grabbed the clot, drug it to the surface and *slurp* - the drain emptied!

And then MasterChef went outside the back door to throw up.

HARD. DAY.

The rest of the day, after my shift was over in the afternoon, was consumed by various errands and driving children to classes and sewing and feeding padawans and cleaning and having meetings. I never did recover, but I hope I pulled it together enough that no one noticed my distraction. I kept smelling rancid odors in my nose, and feeling the phantom texture of the sludge, and I had an omni-present Things Fall Apart feeling which had me checking where the children were much more than I needed to. Even today, a day later? I am a little skittish.

And man - am I TIRED. V. v. tired.

OK but I have a long day ahead and I feel I was caught tying my shoe when the starter gun went off today, so I'd better start running. HEY THURSDAY, BE A BETTER DAY TODAY, OK?!?

Strawberry-banana PANIC

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:13:21 GMT

I suddenly realized last night that I have AX soon and I have done ZERO planning for it and if I don't get on it I'll have nowhere to sleep for a few days and also my $20 a day for food stipend sounds really low for a girl who likes salads and good healthy food and not hot dogs that the con has so what am I going to do about that?! And then you know SCHOOL is coming up soon and I have my appointment with my counselor tomorrow and I'm so greedy I haven't been able to narrow down what classes I want to take ("I WANT ROLLERSKATES AND A GIANT ICE CREAM SUNDAE WITH 6 CHERRIES AND ALSO A PONY!") and my FAFSA is all jacked up because of my name change and I cannot fix it and the nice government lady tells me the government (which is fixing it) is going to take longer than the summer is to change anything and there's no guarantee they'll really FIX IT, you know what I mean. And about that, my credit cards in my right name haven't come and so they don't match my driver's license and that seems like it's going to be a HUGE problem soon plus I need a new passport just in case I need to go away to an international country, it could happen (these are the sorts of things my mind thinks of when I'm panicking). Oh yeah and Paris is going with his grandmother to Hawaii and HE needs a passport because gamma wants him to have one so let it be written so let it be done. Work is REALLY STRESSFUL and busy today except for when it's dead like now but if we start any heavy cleaning we'll just be interrupted by a gazillion people coming into the coffeeshop suddenly with BURNING DESIRES for a Spring Salad and a smoothie and rice krispy treats and 5 paninis. Oh my gosh I have a dance class starting today and I have no idea WHERE IT IS! Note to Skye: call about the location of the dance class you are going to be at before you go to it. Also, Skye? Eat something.

I may not have gotten enough sleep last night but there was a mosquito and if this was a 50s spy novel I would name my story "The Mosquito That Loved Me!" and the cover of the novel would have an oil painting of me, swooning on a couch with my head thrown back and my forearm across my forehead and there would be a mosquito on my thigh SUCKING ME DRY OF ALL MY BLOOD. Though my actual experience was less campy and I don't have kitten-heeled shoes.

I'm having trouble focusing today. Send help and also a nap would be nice - I don't know how one 'sends a nap', though - good luck with that - and anyway I have no time to take one.

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here? Are YOU having trouble breathing?!? Oh dear...

*PANIC*

Summer Adventure, ho!

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:56:19 GMT

HOW I got to be laying here on my bed with bright red finger and toe nails, naked, is not really important. My point is that summer is here! I had a friend ask me how I stay so in touch and enthusiastic about summer when it seemed like just more days going by to her, and it got me thinking. So while I cannot get dressed for a minute (until my nails are dry) I will take time to remind you, dear friends, about summer.

SKYE'S GUIDE FOR THE ADVENTUROUS:
Summer!

Get outside.
Many of you work long hours in an office building and my hat's off to you. But it's summer, and your body needs you to help it clue in so go outside. Take 'non-smoking breaks', just to stand and breathe for a few moments. Go outside for lunch, or park farther away so you have to walk. Go for a walk when you get home, while dinner's cooking, whatever. Even if you're not in the sun your body will pick up on subtle hints in the air (though really - you can't get home any earlier than that?!? Poor thing). Commit to taking some time on weekends to be out of the house or office - I go downtown to parks, walk about the city, go to the mall. Yes I do it alone and that's fine because it's just nice for me to be a part of the world and humanity changing over into summertime.

Winter is an inside time, but summer is for being outside and also being with friends. Those in jobs do the same thing all the time and life may go by too fast - so help the year seem cyclical, as it should be, by making extra effort to welcome and embrace summer. Buy fresh fruit, invite friends out, sit on the front porch or balcony or patio or front stairs and stargaze. (My condolences to those in other climes - but hasn't the sky been GLORIOUS lately, CO peeps?!)

Fashion
If you need one, get a new bathing suit. 3+ years? You need a new one (unless you adore yours). Ditto for flip-flops, shorts and tennis shoes. Do I have to mention underwear? I would recommend, if you can, that you look around at the new fashion this season and get a few new pieces. In my opinion, 'peasant' is the new black and yellow is the new gray. Remember to work with your own style (i.e. yellow looks divine on me, but I drown in anything peasant.) You can have coffee at home for a few weeks in order to save money to use on clothes; as a result, you'll feel like you look good when you go out and you won't get so easily stuck in a rut.

Shave/pluck/etc.
Yes, time again to be fastidious about this, girls, so that you're prepared for last minute invitations. When you have to shave your legs you may go with those baggy pants instead of that cute little dress, and likewise you may turn down a swim if you are less than prepared for the exposure, eh? So take those excuses off the board by keeping up on all this hygiene stuff proactively. Plucking/waxing will last longest, shaving shortest.

Feet
On the note of hygiene, everyone take a look at your heels from behind as you wear those flip-flops or cute slides. Cracks? White and thick heels? Dry? You can do something about that! You've seen the pumice stones and files that are out there for feet - just a few minutes in the shower every other day and you'll be smooth and pink in no time. Mmm, sexy, no?

Fake it
Many of us feel a little vulnerable about how we look in the summer with less on. My advice? PRETEND. Pretend you're confident, or even that you're someone else, and soon you WILL be confident. Remember that if something on your body is bugging you? Use that energy to work on it or change it instead of complaining about it. You can do it!

Regarding body issues within a relationship - I tell you now: your guy/girl isn't looking at nor does s/he care about the imperfections that are so clear to you. If she does? Unless you have REALLY let yourself go, this person liked you for who you were for the whole of your relationship - so there was something else wrong before this issue of your imperfection came up and your body is just the excuse and casualty. Don't point out flaws to your partner, point out your good points! Also consider that it's perhaps unfair to make your partner the savior of YOUR self-esteem, so that you rely on his input as your only source of self-image. ( However, if your partner doesn't ever tell you that s/he likes you or you're sexy or you look good, well then... maybe you should move on.)

Little things
Do the little things that make you happy, a wise man once told me. And he kept telling me this for a whole year, until I got the point - little things DO make us happy! Take time to lay in the grass, feel sand between your toes, jump into a pool with a splash! Have fun, be free, take a time out. What do you like to do in the summer? You can go back to the status quo come winter, but don't be conservative this summer - be extravagant, be daring, be bold! Be adventurous and gutsy! Take what you know you want - and then be generous in sharing!

You start doing these things and I can GUARANTEE YOU that you will have a great and memorable summer. What are you waiting for? Go on, start now!

Inspiration

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:09:20 GMT

OK so you've all seen it - things have been very tough but I've worked hard this month. Lots of good balance, too; working on my personal development, my relationships, my art, my social life, my work, my padawans, my hobbies, my school. Figuring out what I am and want and can do and want to be and do in the future, too. Lots of talking and thinking and doing and waiting. Decisions made, plans set down, paths chosen, goals started, futures glimpsed. I'm making what looks to be a very wonderful and adventurous life for me and mine, but I don't mind telling you that it's work, every damn day.

I'll tell you what's EASY, though: finding things that I love and that inspire me. Because mostly I find this world to be a beautiful, wonderful place.

I want to be an artist so that's where my head and heart are at right now. In the course of working on my artistic skills each day I come across so MANY breathtaking things!

First off, life is even more beautiful than even all the amazing things we artists come up with. Firing to the imagination!

Second, there are a gazillion cool people involved in Making Beautiful Stuff, and most of them WANT to share with the world. Lucky us!

Third, there are people who like special, certain things - and they want to pick just the most amazing of all the things they see and show it to me. I love that!

Fourth, there will always be people who are better than I am - and I find it great that I will always have something to aim high for. And SUCH inspiration...!!

Fifth, even the message is the media. I love that art is fractal too!

But my best inspiration lately is my family. New to the lineup, the active support and ongoing relationship ~~reconciliation?~~ with my father. Who is traveling in the ARCTIC CIRCLE, no kidding. Talk about inspiring - this former Wall Street executive, half-paralyzed after a stroke, is traveling alone with his rig because it's his passion to travel. Just wait until he comes back - he has the most AMAZING stories! I love him and I know that he loves me. ( Thank GOD for this, by the way - father issues are a BITCH to work out alone.) Adoring, enthusiastic and appreciative kids are always a thrill, of course. Courtney supports me so completely that she's actually monetarily supporting me by giving me a peaceful place to live, there with her - I can't think of a more tangible sign of someone believing in me and what I'm doing than using their own money to see that I have a good life, and spending their precious time with me.

And speaking of spending time with me - thanks, friends, for being with me, talking with me, writing to me, housing me, fighting with me, eating with me; listening, dancing, texting, singing, playing Rockband, shopping, and loving me. I know our lives are better for knowing and caring for each other. And it'll only get better and better!

(Links to Flickr, http://muse.drewwilson.com/, www.coolboom.com, http://www.flickr.com/photos/littledoodles/, http://www.fawnt.com/ and http://syndicated.livejournal.com/papachronicles/3362.html)

Keroberos Media check!

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 07:45:14 GMT

Saw Ironman. The part I really liked was the very very end at the press conference, and I thought the suit and the flying effects were cool. Court liked the movie very much but I was bored by it. Also, note: violent, endangering children/babies/moms/dads and there was no real chemistry between him and her...you know who, they kept trying to wave their hands around like a Jedi and make us see the tension, but there WAS NONE. I am more attracted to radishes then she was to him. (He was also more attracted to raddishes. Which isn't, mind you, to say he wouldn't still sleep with her.) Disappointing.

BUT I LOVED KUNG-FU PANDA which I saw the other day and I wish I would have gone and seen THAT again, actually. Yes, go see it. Yes, without a kid. Yes, it's that awesome and beautiful. Dreamworks, well done; and nary a poop-joke to be seen! I may like Jack Black now. WOAH.

Anime? Soul Eater, of course!!!! <3!

In manga, finished to Vol. 4 of Akagami no Shirayukihime ("The red-haired snow white princess"). Yay upside-down fairytales! I like how she just keeps plugging on, never letting the villains get the upper hand even when they actually DO HAVE the upper hand! Ha! Next up: Loveless, Y/N?

In gaming, I went to lenaen's house this past weekend for some Rockband!! They let me play all the instruments and sing vocals quite a bit and I love EVERY ONE. To sum up - DO WANT! But the music made me laugh, especially when it came to choosing songs to sing. Anyone want to guess what era I picked most of my songs from? ;) I also learned something new about Josh's musical tastes. We could have played that game for even more hours but once we sang Beastie Boy's 'Sabotage' * (and totally rocked it, kthx!) we realized that maybe it was a little late for, you know, shrieking. Two thumbs WAY up - I don't know where I'll be for Thanksgiving this year, but I really hope that it's anyplace with Rockband and a bunch of friends! New favorite game (as you could tell from the poll).

*Link to the song here, right click and save. Court just made me watch the youtube video but I'm not counting that as a media category just like twitter isn't blogging.

Giant bee! GIANT BEE!

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 05:14:20 GMT

So there was a kerfluffle in the coffeeshop today because a bee got in and a girl was allergic. Well, a bee - whatever, I'll catch it.

BUT THIS WAS A PREHISTORICALLY LARGE, VERY LOUD GIANT BEE WITH +3 ERRATIC FLYING.

I know that bee doesn't look giant in that cup, but I swear it shrank when I got it in there. IT WAS THE SIZE OF MY FIST, FLYING ABOUT! Of course I couldn't freak out; SOMEONE had to catch that bee and everyone else was cowering under the couch and in the freezer. So I pretended not to care how big it was (OMG so big SO VERY BIG) and I came at that giant thing with a cup and plate. Even when it got into the cup, it's wings beating against the cup made a HORRIBLE LOUD noise and vibrated the whole plate!

This, and killing spiders, and training just-walking babies to stop at my command before they run into the road, and cleaning up the most disgusting messes, and staying up 'till all hours working with padawans on almost-late projects - if for no other reason, THIS is why it's a good thing that I am in the world.

(...but I'm hoping some of you know even better reasons why you're glad that I'm in the world)

Anyway, I think you'll agree; I earned my $8/hour today, yes I did! And tonight I had an extra glass of wine on that lady who was allergic to bees, because she gave me a really good tip. :)

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 07:34:26 GMT

Summer was in full swing today, hohohoYES.

ON-CAMERA ACTING CLASS

One of the padawans had an on-camera acting class where they are being groomed for commercials. The children have class for 3 hours each morning - how about THAT, hu, 3 hours of class in the summer?! But the teacher is quality and interesting and nice, luckily. I sat in the last half hour and sketched children reading in front of the camera. AWKWARD, they were, but quite lovely to gesture-draw because of it.

WHAT I LEARNED ON MY SUMMER VACATION

So by 12 we were all STARVING and after eating (I say that like lunch isn't Preparing For The Battle Of Normandy, which it very much IS, but) we went outside to play in the water with Tupperware and pokemon action figures. We learned such important things as:

Water from the hose is cold
Paris cannot be trusted with the hose
Rocks thrown on the driveway will bounce crazily
The sprinklers are fun, but again? Cold water!
Cai cannot be trusted with the hose.
Hose on+Grass+distractions=swamp!
Mommers CANNOT be trusted to hold the hose
Rocks thrown on the driveway have to be cleaned up as soon as mommers sees them
concrete is warm to lay down on, until it is suddenly HOTHOTHOT
Syd cannot be trusted with the hose
If you spray the car, make sure the windows are -what, class? That's right - THE WINDOWS ARE UP.

I'm not sure if any of those lessons will stick, or we'll have to learn them anew tomorrow.

WHEEE!

So then there was Wii, and wiibattles, and wiiplay, and wiiwatching, and wiicart. And Paris mario-cart raced online with some VERY GOOD people on BIKES. Dangcool.

PUT EM ON ICE

BUT BEST! Was that in the late afternoon the whole little alt!family had ICE SKATING LESSONS. Seriously! Aside from the fact that I managed to find classes for 5 people at the same time in the same building, I must say that my brilliance lay in the fact that I got to the rink 30 minutes early and we all bustled around like the VonTrap family, orderly and oldest-helping-youngest, and it went like clockwork even though we've never attempted anything of this sort before. 10 minutes of walking around on the carpet later, most of the padawans had lost their trepidation about their competence to move about on the sides of knives - which was both a favor and a curse that I gave to them, as those of you who have gone skating understand; once on the ice it's a WHOLE different ballgame. But as a mom my job is to get them brave and out there on the field and let the coach do the rest, right? Right!

So we were all in learn-to-skate classes (though my class was an adult all-ability class too) and we lined up in the hallway under these printout-signs of the teacher's name: Syd in one class, the rest of the padawans in another, I under a third teacher. Syd looked a bit scared until her teacher-aide knelt down and showed her that she, too, had blond hair - and she also liked to bite on it!! So then they were friends and all was well. Paris and Madrid faired well as they usually do, especially together.

But my little Cairo. Oh, dear, sweet Cai! He was at the lowest age range and he could have cared less. But I knew what that was going to mean, on the ice.

So all of the groups moved out onto the one rink which had separators stretched across the width of it: Syd's beginner class on the end, then the other padawans, then my class, then an advanced teen skate and then baby-hockey on the rest of the field. And as the skating started I got really busy being tested but when I looked back to check on the babies...

Cai was falling. HARD. And a lot. He was skating, too, and doing everything his teacher told him to along with the rest of class - but the other, older kids had more practice in their bodies, more skills at balancing, and poor Cai would go to do something and just suddenly go DOWN. It really looked like gravity suddenly acted only, and at 2X the strength, on Cai alone. One time I was passing him while practicing my cross-overs and I saw that he was falling, and getting up he was so TIRED that he fell down immediately upon taking a step!

"Cai, buddy, you ok?" I said, stopping my circle and coming to the partition, "You're standing! You're skating! Wow, we're skating together! Lookin' good, little guy!"

Cai, who was looking rather bedraggled, brightened up at my praise, took a deep breath, and gave me a Walker 'thumbs-up' sign.

Bless his soul, Cai fell all of class - but he obeyed every minute, and never lost enthusiasm, and tried his very best.

As for me, I was put in the upper tier of my class because I could skate forward and backward and do passable crossovers while turning.

"You have experience," my teacher said to me, and then he said, "so I'll take you two ladies and the rest of you stay here and learn the basics from my aide."

I went to the far side of the rink where we were tested. But for every move he'd ask me to do, I'd say show me it and let's see if I can do it! and then I'd try my best to do it as well as I could. He made some comments, but he looked more and more confused as the testing went on. Finally he said, baffled, "You can do some advanced things well, and easier things you can't do well, and some basic things you can't do at all!"

"OH!" I said, realizing why he was confused, "I don't know how to ice skate but I ROLLERSKATE pretty well."

And then he and my classmate both intoned, "Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh" with a kind of eye-roll. Ooops - stumbled into some bastard-child something going on there, didn't I?

My teacher gave me some hard work to do, then, basics that I have to master and incorporate while forgetting my skating habits. Heaven forbid I go rollerskating anytime soon - I'll kill myself trying to do ice-skating things, because WOAH do ice skating skills NOT cross back over!

LOOPHOLE

Getting the skates off, at the end of class, was a slower process. We had a contest going on, all of us, agreed upon at the beginning of classes: the best fall, wins. And today that was CERTAINLY Cai. So after we were all dressed I said, "Cai, you had the BEST falls! What do you want for dinner? YOU get to choose, all your own, and we have to eat anything you want! Pancakes, chicken, mac&cheese, anything!"

And Cai's eyes lit up and he said, "PANERA!!!"

...oops. forgot to say anything to eat...AT HOME, didn't I?

So we all went to Panera. Called Court to come over too, because she LOVES Panera. Oooh, they were happy babies!

We got home and tidied up and I went to my yoga class where I got into a very deep pigeon pose and then The Plough! It was a really good session, and my breathing was nice and even.

By the time I got home you can believe that everyone was nice a sleepy indeed - Cai was TRYING to stay awake but he was sinking fast. I tucked in the girls and came to the boys.

"Go to sleep, little guy," I said, walking in and putting some jeans away in the closet, "I have lots of folding to do and dishes and clothes to put away, so I'll read you a book tomorrow, ok?"

But he just mumbled 'cause he was already asleep.

Asleep; as I should be. Because tomorrow is plein air painting and on-camera acting and yoga for us all - yes, a special class for babyYoga! I'm guessing there are going to be a LOT of animal sounds coming from my children, tomorrow. :) And then boba has been promised, and bubble tea and slushies. And then the pool if it's warm enough, though this trip is for the babies and not for big-kid swimming, I'm afraid. (And for shocking some of my patrons from the neighborhood who have NO IDEA that I even HAVE children, let alone a sports-team worth of them. ...all right, 'a ping-pong contest' full of them, anyway.)

I'm off to sleep before I fall asleep right here on the couch where I am, like I did the other night on my pillow-island in my apartment after a night out at the Galleries, trying to learn Everything About Art in one summer:

Ooooh, so tired! Carry me to bed, hmmmm?

Once upon a time, I go to my final divorce court in the morning.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 05:58:43 GMT

Maybe you didn't notice, but I stopped blogging about it.

I like to move. Move on, move up, move along. I make mistakes like the next girl but I try to analyze them, turn them every-which-way about and learn from my choices... but never, ever do I want to sink into regret. Regret is an anathema to me because it implies an involuntary inability to move on - you walk forward but some vital part of you is back there, in the past, and you cannot go back and retrieve it. The best you can do, with regret, is cut off the piece of your soul that's stuck back there in the past and hope that you heal clean and don't leave tattered bits hanging out that'll catch on the present. But like an old man, your regret is an injury that's gonna pain you when the weather hits just right, an ache that you can't do anything about and can only hope goes away fast. And often, regret brings a dirty diseased bit of the past into the clean present, contaminating Now with drug-resistant strains of guilt or hate or anger.

*shudder*

I would rather clean up my messes as I go, concentrate on doing better, and apply my learned lessons. Slowly but surely moving forward, in general; putting all my energy into creating a happy life for myself and my padawans and everyone around me that I can. It feels good to live like this, more full of adventure and grace and beauty and love - and I don't have to be perfect, but I am gladly perfecting.

Except for tonight. Tonight, I feel a life ending. OK, so it was a maybe-life, a someday-life, but my future with ch4rm was as real to me any routine day I ever have.

I'll move on, of course, and have already in many ways - but the last few days I just can't seem to drag myself away from my sadness. So tonight? I just won't. I'm gonna sit here in the mudpuddle my tears and the dust of 16 years of marriage has created and just... be sad. I go to my final divorce court tomorrow and I'm not scared; I can sit here now and face my sadness, and I refuse to be scared of that, either.

I admit my weakness: I have a friend who I wish could come to the courthouse with me tomorrow for my 9:00 meeting, just drive with me there and wait outside the courtroom for the measly 15 minutes it will take for some woman with the right power to say that I'm not married anymore, and then my friend would be there to hug me and lead me back to the car. I wish I had the guts to call another friend, unburden myself and cry and maybe be comforted. I wish I could call a different friend and listen to him tell me stories of his day, humorous in their intensity, until I forget my troubles and laugh with him. I wish I could hear from my friend that I am loved and cherished and my divorce doesn't change that. I wish a friend would come over, after, and make lunch with me - a reassuring physical presence that reminds me that I'm not going to be alone.

But I amsometimes alone, sad, taken for granted, unloved and on my own - and maybe this is part of the reason why I stopped blogging about the divorce. Because it is not a happy place, this particular Valley of the Shadow, and it's not meant to be. Like a death, I don't expect anyone knows what to say to comfort someone who goes through a divorce. Nothing but "it's going to be all right" and "we're here for you" - which is true and a lie, both for ourselves and anyone else (now and in the future), isn't it? Seems little comfort. Even I don't know what to say except "I'm sorry." I would not want to burden my friends with this problem, even best friends; I can, and will, handle the deep pain of this divorce myself. The effort I put into the many years I was married is mine, the joy is mine, the love was mine and the failure and pain are mine as well; I feel it's the other side of the coin and the risk anyone in a relationship takes. It SUCKS, this part, but there ya go.

I'm not likely going to sleep tonight, but no matter how sad I am I won't regret being married. It is wonderful... and horrible, and lovely, and awful. As you already suspected, of course; marriage is life, after all. Even now I believe in marriage and the beauty and power of love, and recommend it. Even from here, where I'm sitting, I say: it is worth even this pain to have experienced being in love and married.

I stopped blogging about my divorce, and I'm sitting here in this dark room just being with my thoughts, because my marriage and divorce is something that eventually I'm going to leave in the past. And my memories of all this won't be littered with bits of my heart and soul but instead clean, full of adventure and grace and beauty and love. I have faith that I'll have learned from it; my marriage made me who I am and I'm grateful, and so did my divorce and I suppose I will find the humility to be grateful for that, too. In the end, I hope that this whole story, and everyone in it, gets a happy ending. It'll be a surprise ending now, for me at least, but in the end I hope we all live Happily Ever After.