_skinnydipper

_skinnydipper @ 2007-10-22T11:50:00

2007-10-22T19:00:44Z

fini.

je m'appelle fleurdaquarelle.

its the end of an era. add me if you want.

♥

_skinnydipper @ 2007-09-21T21:27:00

2007-09-22T04:27:27Z

i'm in a shit mood. thank god for next friday. distance is starting to take its toll.
i want to just go to sleep and wake up and the week have passed already.
after the drama, i decided to delete my photobucket. no more pictures in existance. and i had to change all of my passwords to everything. i want to surgically remove that entire portion of my life. i sometimes wish i could just black it out so i didn't have to remember how fucked up it all was. so i didn't feel foolish for ever trusting someone so fucked up. i stopped loving her two months ago. completely. i lost all respect for her last week. i haven't spoken to her in about three months. i don't ever want to again. i'm eating the money she owes me. she fucked me over, over and over and over again. i need to learn to just give up on people. sometimes they really are as shitty as they seem. sometimes that's all there is to it. two days from now will be the anniversary of our meeting. she always said she'd pay me back for that plane ticket, too. haha. lovely. i drove her to work when she was too lazy to fix her florida dmv issues. i even drove her on my days off. i cleaned. i did her laundry. i made her hair cute. i took her shopping. i let her have free reign of the tv. i went to bed before her while she talked on the phone with natalie and then nessa almost every night. i took her back when she begged me on cinco de mayo, just for her to change her mind again the next morning. with the exception of our bed, i moved all of our stuff out of the clairemont hell house and into the el cajon house, alone. and not only did i move all of my stuff and our stuff out of that house again when i left san diego, a actually went out of my way to pack up all of the shit she left behind. i didn't throw it away. i didn't throw her away. until the day she left, we continued to share the same bed. i wasn't going to leave her homeless and penniless. i couldn't hurt someone i loved that way. i made room in my car for her box, and delivered it to her new lawn. i gave up the dog that i did the majority of taking care of. the dog she just left when she left me. i figured that if i kept my promise, she'd keep hers. i can't say she was always terrible. there were flashes of her that were amazing. the girl who left me was a stranger. exactly a year ago, she was fairly happy. she walked to work, early in the morning, several miles, enjoying the beauty of fall on the east coast. she went out of her way to be nice to people. she made sandwiches for homeless people and brought snacks home to amy and jenn. she went out with them and did things. and she loved me. enough to leave all of that. and it all changed. she stopped loving me within three weeks. i know that now. she threatened to leave me almost every week for six months. she wouldn't touch me. she would barely look at me. when her friend julie consistently was rude and bitchy to me, she chose julie's side. she sat in the bathtub one night and asked me how much i was willing to take before i realized i was in an abusive relationship with her and that love just wasn't enough to excuse her behavior. she said it with the most unfeeling expression i ever saw. living with her and trying to have a relationship with her sucked the life out of every room and situation. and it almost sucked me dry. but i thank her, all the same. i wouldn't have met josiah if i hadn't been with her. and he is the single most amazing person i've ever met. and he likes car rides and picnics and reading outloud and baths and cooking together and going places and watching movies and touching me and he calls my mom just to say hi. and he sends me flowers and cute cards. and has milkshakes delivered to me at home when i'm sick and he's too far away. and he doesn't judge me or downplay my role in his life. and he loves the socks i knit for him. he likes my crazy hair. he likes my boring hair. he likes holding my hand and showing me off because he loves me. not just the emotion, but the choice. and i love him. not just the emotion, but the choice. and we fucking deserve it. and unlike other people, i'm not limiting myself because of genitalia. i really couldn't care less what label someone puts on me. if things don't work out with him, i'm going to be with women again. but he's far more amazing to me than the woman i was with before, so why would i want to go throught that again right away? or ever?

so, now after that fucking ramble-fest, i've stolen some survey meme things from amanda-la.

ITUNES:
How many total songs?
3464 songs, equal to 42 day or 13.09 GB.

Sort by song title - first and last?
* First: “#9 dream" - john lennon
* Last: “zombie" - the cranberries

Sort by time - shortest and longest?
* Shortest: “horn intro” (:09) by modest mouse (from good news...)
* Longest: “fear satan" (16:17) by mogwai (from young team)

Sort by Album - first and last?
* First: !mo' vida!
* Last: zombies! aliens! vampires! dinosaurs! by hellogoodbye

Sort by Artist - first and last?
* First: abba
* Last: zero 7

Last five played songs?
1. “take what you take" by lily allen (from alright still)
2. “you're the one i want" by jets to brazil (from perfecting loneliness)
3. “starry configurations" by jets to brazil (from orange rhyming dictionary)
4. “agenda suicide" by the faint (from danse macabre)
5. “dead disco" by metric (from old world underground, where are you now?)

Top five played songs?
1. “mardy bum" by the arctic monkeys - 129 plays
2. “still take you home" by the arctic monkeys - 119 plays
3. “nobody move, nobody gets hurt" by we are scientists - 107 plays
4. “laid" by james - 99 plays
5. “you only live once" by the strokes - 96 plays

Find the following words. How many songs show up?
* Sex: 16
* Death: 41
* Love: 143 (that's ironic...)
* You: 424
* Home: 23
* Boy: 53
* Girl: 75

LIFE:
10 years ago: parents house was foreclosed. still trying to break contact with my father.

5 years ago: just moved to oregon. on my own. started school...

1 year ago: two days away from meeting my ex. dying from anticipation and cold feet. i bought her plane ticket after all.

Yesterday: worked. ran errands. passed out. woke up again and dyed my hair scarlet.

Tomorrow: sleep in. work from 1. home by 9:30. pretty boring.

5 snacks I enjoy: microwaveable mini pizzas, hot pocket subs, hummus, pears, wasabi peas.

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs: kaiser chiefs, beth hart, cake, franz ferdinand, no doubt.

5 things I would do with a $100,000,000: 1. pay off stupid debt 2. buy a cute house. 3. build my mom her dream house. 4. quit grooming and go to beauty school. haha. 5. buy joe a plane ticket right now.

5 locations I would like to run away to: north ireland. london. philidelphia (2 years!!!). portland. south east asia (the entire region).

5 bad habits I have: smoking. cracking every joint in my body. forgetting the day. paying bills late. leaving the bathroom door open (even in public...).

5 things I like doing: sleeping. knitting. cooking. sex. listening to music loud.

5 things I will always wear: glasses. piercings. fuzzy slippers (in public, even). slips as dresses. bright colors.

5 TV shows I like(d): the x files. house. grey's anatomy. degrassi. how i met your mother.

5 movies I like: eternal sunshine. i ♥ huckabees. the science of sleep. the rules of attraction. rushmore.

5 famous people I would Like to meet: gael garcia bernal. ricky wilson. paul bettany. carl barat. karen o.

5 biggest joys at the moment: joe. new apartment. puppy. upcoming holidays. my bright ass red hair.

5 favorite toys: drop spindle. knitting needles. laptop. dye brush. the sexual type.

vanessa slater.

2007-09-13T08:09:09Z

mind your own business. you don't know anything about me, except whatever lies you've been told. i don't care to fill you in, either.
it isn't your fight.

you owe me an apology, she owes me $850.
i'd take her to court but i'm not sure she's worth my energy.
you've proven you deserve eachother. i hope you stay together forever.

i'm confused as to why you thought to look here, both before and now. i thought i didn't matter anymore.
insignificant people don't usually interest or amuse, so maybe the two of you are the ones who should move on. i just want my money.

she said you were just like nev. now i'm beginning to understand.

and leave my dog out of it. that's just immature.

wtf world? seriously, wtf?

2007-09-05T11:03:41Z

this is my car as of three hours ago. it was PARKED. the impact moved it 112 feet, in first gear, with the parking break engaged.

not a nice way to wake up.
whenever things go really well in my life, for one reason or another, something really really fucked up seems to happen.

i HATE drunk drivers.

amanda. please call me. i'm a little not okay.

_skinnydipper @ 2007-08-06T18:59:00

2007-08-07T02:05:22Z

i'm alive.
i'm happy.
just so everyone knows.

vacation in my new home town.

2007-07-16T07:31:12Z

omfg. i'm going to die.
we are going to have so much fun.
i'm so confused. and scared. of a lot. i don't know.

i'm getting used to not sleeping much. i'm getting used to too much.
i feel amazing. simply amazing. and definitely, definitely appreciated.

ETA: 36 hours from now...

hello.

2007-07-14T02:46:48Z

i'm really happy. my back hurts like crazy, like it did a month after breaking it, but i'm getting used to it, and everything else. this place is growing on me fast. i miss ricky so fucking much. he sent me an amazing email and i started crying. there are very few people i respect or admire in this world as much as that man. truly.

annnnnnnnd...
less than 4 days until an extremely blissful and unexpected adventure.
i'm so surprised, and also so so so thrilled.
i've never felt so appreciated in my life. it is nice. all around.

i really miss seamus, though. and how happy and easy my old life was. i could have lived that way forever, but things change, and this change and all of the surprises life has given me are truly spectacular.

memories are just that -- empty

2007-07-03T06:51:57Z

tonight was a weird fucking night. i went out to dinner with ricky after heart and nessa bailed. we had ethiopian food, which was phenomenal, and drove around confronting my past. i went to my old apartment on "p" st. where i lived with my dad. it was the first time i stopped there in twelve years. i was very happy at my lack of emotions. it was just a shitty victorian house, on a shitty street. pescados was shut down a few years ago. the name of the liquor store i used to buy milk at across the street and look at porn mags had changed. i pointed out the house where the girl lived who gave me the box turtle my dad stepped on and killed. i pointed out the apartment where the sad little boy lived who used to watch me change for bed and give me flowers he got from my yard. we walked around the corner and saw the school yard where i learned to ride my bike. we walked five blocks down to my catholic school, and tried to break in to the corridor where the brothers and sisters sleep. i pointed out the restroom where i had my first sexual experience at. then everything got a little darker. memories came back of maria hocut, or whatever her last name was. and losing my hymen for unknown reasons. and my first time seeing a shrink. then we drove past sac high, where i pointed out the exact place i watched the drug deal go down that led to my year-long pseudo stalking bby the drug dealer. i pointed out to ricky the exact route i took from the bus, and the exact place that freak stood with his dick out every morning when i was alone to scare me. i showed him the street i walked down after school to take the bus home. and the scary houses where i saw crack smoked. and where i got cat-called as a teenager. i showed him where i found the german shepard puppy that got run over trying to follow me home. he was shocked at how close in proximity nessa's house (now heart's house, too) was to so much of my past. literally a matter of two or three miles. i showed him the cafe i got french bread and dill spread after the bomb threat at sac high. it was a surreal experience. i was almost numb to it all. but a lot of it i hadn't thought about for years. i would have thought i would care more. i guess when you get older, your past means so much less. places are just places, and experiences only take you to where you are now. i don't know. i am a little depressed, and a lot in shock, but mainly releaved due to the fact that i found closure from it all.

i feel like that person from the past stopped existing a long time ago out of necessity, and now i am a better, more whole person from those experiences. either that, or i just stopped existing entirely.

from petaluma

2007-07-01T22:29:55Z

yesterday was bad. it may have been the worst day of my life.
it was far harder than cleaning up ryan's blood after his suicide.
maybe i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

i wish she wasn't so beautiful. but she is. and probably always will be.
sad.

goodbye.

2007-06-30T03:59:54Z

on the road in less than an hour. last thing on my to do list, other than showering, because i'm grotey, is to buy car insurance. wow. and there is still a tiny bit of room in my car.

its weird. i think i'm in shock.

i'm going to cry at some point tonight, and definitely tomorrow about sea. i'm going to miss him so much i know i will physically hurt. i physically hurt for weeks after heart left, and i will physically hurt for weeks without my baby boy. all i can do is keep my fingers crossed that one day he and i will be reunited permanently, and before anyone has a chance to ruin him.

so now i buy said insurance, and take my shower, and finish this cup of coffee, and then the long drive begins. wish me a safe one.

i probably won't have internet much this summer.
sad.
it's the end of an era. this time i'm the one without any keys.

less than a day away.

2007-06-29T07:43:36Z

i hate moving. i like leaving, but not the process of making it happen.
heart left me with a lot of work to do alone. i wish i had some company for this. i'm not going to sleep at all tonight. things to do still: finish packing; clean; clean out my car; put shit into said car; buy car insurance; take seamus to get his first rabies shot in the morning; lunch with joe; back to finish cleaning; leave by 2am (which is 25.5 hours from now). yuck.

my going away party was a ridiculously fun event. complete with me getting my ass whipped by ricky at an arm wrestling match, and an end of the night petco slumber party in my bed. joe likes to cuddle. random. and likes to smoke my cigarettes, and ruffle my hair, and tried to get me to sing "star spangled banner" for about half an hour. what the fuck?

pictures:
bathroom mess

bedroom mess

what happens when gay folk get drunk? straight for the camera! haha.

panda power. this is who almost dislocated my shoulder during the match.

eileen is a crazy woman.

i'm going to miss cristina. she was sooooo stoned, though. haha.

i wish these boys were women. i'd date either of them if they were. but they aren't. oh well. ricky and joe.

on a side note, marissa was like, "you and ricky are such good friends and hang out so much. why can't you just date him? you're practically like a married couple anyway. oh wait. that wouldn't work. nevermind." whatareyoutalkkingaboutbecausethatiscreepyandgross.

allllllllso, i got a free oil change and tire rotation and a bad tire replaced for free because i'm just pathetic enough for people to really like me. seriously the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me.

so now, my break is over. back to work. ugh.
i really hate moving.

_skinnydipper @ 2007-06-25T17:10:00

2007-06-26T00:47:00Z

yesterday was the best day ever. so fucking random. i stayed the night at ricky's saturday night. sunday morning we went back to my place to get dogfood for sea and for me to change into non-jammies. then it was off to champagne brunch at urban mo's. wasted by 11am. sea took a nap three feet from the table. then we went hat shopping. sea got to come inside and hat shop with us. ricky got a fedora. then to corvette diner, where we ate spicy fried pickles and drank two pitchers of beer with too many straws. we took photobooth pictures together. amazing. too bad i was uber drunk and lost them at the dog park, where we went after corvette. haha. we hung out at the park with sea for an hour or so, then decided in our drunkenness that that was the perfect time to get tatted. hahahaha. so we went to good old el cajon and my panda was done, finally, by the original guy who designed it. he didn't care that i was drunk, and didn't even ask for an id. just said "i get asked a lot about those panda tattoos. no girls, though. didn't think there would ever be..." nice. he stayed after the shop closed to do it. then we went to bourbon street, our sunday tradition. since it is sf pride this weekend, bourbon was dead, but i got to see my friend jess i haven't seen in ten months, at least, and ricky and i got a free pitcher each from her. haha. diabolical. the highlight of my night was when joe texted me asking when i left, and the conversation got dirty. seriously made ricky and i giddy. joe is such a good sport. haha. the whole point was for me to make him as uncomfortable as possible and see how he reacted. we kept picturing him alone in his room looking confused and oddly amused, maybe even flattered, and all the while freaking out about the boss/employee sexual harassment boundaries. amaaaaaaaaazing.

conversation:
joe: when is your last day?
me: my last day at work is wednesday. my last day in sd is friday. why? what's up?
joe: whatcha doin on tuesday night?
me: nothing as of yet. haha.
joe: two gallants are coming to hob. u wanna go. they kick ass live.
me: nice. how much? i was going to make a dirty comment, but that hardly seems appropriate, now.
joe: the best part about it is its FREE!
me: i love free stuff. so is this a date or what? should i wear stilettos for you?
joe: its more of a going away present. but you can wear stilettos if u want to :)
me: if you really want to give me a going away present...i love black lace.
me: you think i'm joking? it doesn't matter who is wearing the black lace to me, so plan on dressing up.
joe: i only wear red lace.
me: until i strip it off of you...
joe: i'm not that easy.
me: i'm pretty persuasive, muffin butt.
joe: muffin butt. i don't think i have ever been called muffin butt...how much have u had to drink?
me: enough to call you muffin butt, you sexy hot shit you. so...what are you wearing right now?
me: i hope it is easy access, whatever it is. mmmmm.
joe: ok...well i'm gonna go now. but i'll see ya on tuesday. have a great night. and good luck on your test 2morrow.
me: joe. i was joking. but thanks for the good luck, and i will talk to you on tuesday about the show.
me: but really...what ARE you wearing? politics aside.
joe: well if u must know...just socks. i'm about to take a shower.
me: lose the socks and its on. i hope that shower is hot enough for you. i would tell you to take a cold shower, but that's no fun.
joe: haha. good night :) and if you see ricky see if he wants to go.
me: he wants to see you naked. i know that for sure.

he laughed about it today. he got a kick out of the muffin butt. haha.

on to pictures.

and sea sleeping during champagne brunch.

choking

2007-06-23T04:31:17Z

i just started crying when nelly furtado's "say it right" came on. what the fuck?

i was doing so well. if you had been more honest from the beginning maybe i wouldn't feel so pathetic.

i've had four different girls throw themselves at me over the past two weeks. two were former crushes. i can't. it would be wrong. i'm in love with someone else. even if i can't be with that person, it would be wrong to just fuck someone else. i'd be leading them on. using them. that is wrong. i'd rather be celebate for the next few years, or as long as it takes until i'm over you, than use anyone.

i'm not stable at this particular moment in time.
i don't know if i even know her anymore. i'm scared.

************************************************************************************
let's just forget
everything said
and everything we did
best friends, better halves, goodbyes

and the autumn night
when we realized
we were falling out of love

there were some things
that were said
that weren't meant
like we never did

not to be
overly dramatic

i just think it's best
cause you can't miss what you forget

so let's just pretend
everything and anything
between you and me
was never meant