& iF YOU'RE GONNA SCREAM // SCREAM WiTH ME ;

[Jul. 24th, 2010|11:47 pm]

Its no surprise that i found myself in a conversation about structuring ones life according to something. I'm glad i'm not the only one who has difficulty there. In fact, i never understood how anyone could be satisfied with a rigid schedule. How could anyone feel truly free to do something, especially in accord with the nature of the time? My days will undoubtedly need a split between the rigidity and free points. I can deal with both...in fact, i like both as theyre special in their own ways. The supreme uncertainty in my life must be due to this: no balance between the two. My environment is constantly free while my mind is frighteningly rigid. I do feel that i havent strayed that much, but my decisions are starting to carry a bit more weight with this realization.

Of course, i've still got a few things i need to take care of before i get back on track and the two or so tasks are by no means simple. They might as well be the hardest things to deal with. I'd better stop dicking around and make a decision on whether i'm going to Nashville tomorrow. I might hold off for one more day, but it cant be any more than that. I'm growing tired of my own procrastination.

hilarious and amazing all at once

[Jul. 22nd, 2010|10:21 pm]

just WHATEVER!

[Jul. 22nd, 2008|01:50 pm]

apegrrl

[

mood

tired

]

where do the hours and days and months go??????? could i have some back please????????? holy wow i just can't keep up with anthing...and yet i have ten times more to keep up with these days. ei yi yi!

have i ever told you how much i HATE stupid people?????????? yeah, well i DO. i'll get to the specifics in a sec. how bout happy stuff first?????????

ginny and bailey and MADDOX are home visiting!!!!! <33333333 sunday was the big cookout at mama and eddie's for everyone to come and meet/see maddox! (and ginny and bailey too i guess. J/K!) eric and i spent sunday night there so we could hang out without all the crowd. ginny and i had STUFF...VERY IMPORTANT STUFF... to talk about. eric and bailey and maddox hung out watching the tube and taking pics. i believe maddox now knows how to shoot a bird. oh dear lord. maddox is coo-ing and laughing and smiling and being super awesome... even more than he already was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE him!!!!!! he's so perfect!!!!! he's more fun everyday! :) then yesterday when i got off of work eric and i went and spent the night with them in sc. we saw batman!!!!!!!!!!!! (2nd time for eric and i!) it is unbelievable. it really is.

bailey tried so hard to talk us into ditching school/work today, but i just haaaaaaaaad to get up and go to work. next time... i listen to bailey. i so mean that.

we got up early as hell after not going to be til after 2am. and we drove to my office in downtown savannah. bout a 40 minute drive. i was gona get ready here and we drove early to beat the interstate traffic. WELL we get here and i realize i left my office and car keys IN SOUTH CAROLINA at sallie's. so after a minute of being mad, we drove back over there and just decided to take our time and i called my boss and told him i was going to be pretty late. the traffic back to sc was pretty heavy. we finally got there and went in and settled down for a bit. ginny and maddox got up so i spent an hour or so loving on the baby while slowly getting ready. time went on. blah blah blah. good times. and THEN we start heading back to ga and i realize i had missed a call from early this am. listened to the voicemail. we had left eric's truck in my parking place behind my office all night and we were going back to get it. WELL the voicemail was one of the attorneys here who said "there's a truck behind our office and we don't know whose it is, so we're having it towed.". ok. so here's where the really stupid people part comes back in to play... they had eric's truck towed. now... i've been working here 6 1/2 years. i have been married to eric for 2. he's been living with me for like 5. i drive his truck to work whenever he takes mine for maintenance or anything. he's here several times a month. but no one that was here knew that was eric's truck. hmmmm....... *SLAP* i called this office and raised holy hell. no lie. i had even threatened to quit. i hate stupidity that much. well i got a text from one fo the attorneys that they were sorry and he had paid the towing fee of $75. and we went and got the truck. when i got to the office around 11:30 am i voiced my opinion and then went directly to lunch to cool off. when i got back from lunch and started my work day at 1:30 pm, i told my bossman i needed a vacation. im fixing to take a few random days off. i think i need it. i'm so burnt out. in like every direction right now.

mema is really becoming a hand full. not wanting to talk about that right now. very sad. very.

i'm so sleepy that i think it's going to kill me. my insomnia is ridiculous.
insomnia sucks worse than anything. lack of sleep can make you loose your mind. no lie.

i wish i had more time/money to do things with the boys. *sigh* i really really really do. they are going to be grown and gone before i know it. *cries*

in 2 weekends me and eric and mema and the boys are going to visit matt and danielle and kids in pensacola. that should prove to be interesting.

my brain feels quite scrambled.

i'm so ready to go home. i can't believe that it's only tuesday.

eric called. he's having a tire and his ac (hopefully) fixed today. that's good.

i want to see maddox again. :) i want to go home and go to bed. i want a hot fudge sunday. i want sundresses.

i sound greedy.

i wonder what casey's doing.

i'm tired. i'm delirious. i've become random. i'm going back to work.

who's your favorite possum??????????????? HAHAHA! i wonder how many people that rang a bell with.

hey ginny, "is that sheep"????

2 comments|post comment

[Jul. 21st, 2010|08:41 pm]

To find that balance between maleability and whats been handed down to you is a task for the ages. Looking back, i'm beginning to wonder what my heart told me each time i saw certain things. I remember the first time i saw someone get the living shit beaten out of them by a gang of people. Immediately, my gag reflex started and i almost vommited in disgust. I remember the first time i went to a show and sat there wondering why no one moved around and let the music take over their bodies for a change. Of course, that only happened when the headliners started. Gay. I remember the first girl i was ever infatuated with, Emily Hardesbe, i think. Weird that i can recall her name, although i probably mispelled it. Ha.. Actually, i remember now. The reason her name has stuck with me for so long is because i heard this pop song ..."every heartbeat" and i replaced that same chorus line with "Emily Hardesbe" when it would get trapped in my head. Crazy, aint it? It actually doesn't seem that way to me.

I'll head down to Nashville at some point this week. Things should keep moving as they have been. I'm not so worried anymore.

7.19.08

[Jul. 20th, 2010|01:25 pm]

Its easy to find a starting point when the entire day seems significant.

I slept terribly the night before thanks to a frightening realization, but, because it was twofold, it wasn't that hard to ease away from it. I'll say it helped me more than anything.
I'm not sure why, but all month i had been waiting for yesterday. On the one hand, i had planned to see a Burlesque show at the Hi Tone, so i woke up with that on my mind, thinking i could kill time before i made my way down there. I guess i just wanted to mingle a bit and find myself in the company of some lovely ladies. Even though i'd planned to go there, i got a call from Jerod Philsinger asking me to go to Zinnies East to see his new band play a show. Derek had also said that he'd be going to it with Lori. I wasn't particularly desperate to attend either of those shows, so it was a tough decision. I let it hang in the air until evening time when i met up with Spencer before we'd part ways. He was also in a similar situation with two possible choices to attend.

During the afternoon, i went up to Borders looking for a book on some of Freud's writings, just to find another opinion about a phenomena tied to the realization i mentioned above. Sure enough, the Christianized psychology section of borders didn't have many of Freud's key works on the subject, so i settled with "Psychology and Alchemy" by Jung. This is probably the second academic work that i'll read by him and, so far, its proved itself invaluable, especially since i've been looking into Gnosticism much lately. A coincidence occurred.
I had gone to the gas station just before i went to Borders and, right as i was leaving, Blake popped into my head. I started thinking about how long it had been since id seen him and if any changes had occurred since we'd last talked, which was probably 5 or 6 months ago. When i got to Borders, i stood outside for a moment to smoke and stare at the monkey leaves running all across the wall. Just as i'd glanced to my right, i caught Blake walking out of Borders with a book in hand. We caught up and it was definitely worth it.

After that, i went to midtown to see Spencer. He was in a strange mood to begin with and all the uncertainty of that night was weighing him down, it seemed. I left him around 9:30pm and made toward the Hi Tone. Just as i'd started driving, i realized that i'd rather be in a comfortable place instead of caught within a big group of people i didn't know. If that Zinnies show hadnt happened, i would have probably gone to the Burlesque thing, but, between the two of them, Zinnies made more sense.
That show was a reunion for me. Sparky, Jerod Philsinger, Ericka, Shane, Andrew Lacy, Rob, Chad, Leah, Derek, Lori, Jerod Bryant, and fat boy Sam were all there. Another coincidence occurred. I had started thinking about the bassist from the Vacant late last night. I'd find him in the Zinnies parking lot talking with Philsinger. The most fucked up thing about it was that i actually enjoyed Jerod's band. It was straight punk, like TSOL/Misfits meet the Ramones. I admit it was good...and i'm actually glad for it because i hate despising everything i find in this city. They even covered Superficial Love by TSOL. Awesome.

The show ended too soon, though. I called up Spencer immediately after that and found myself at P&H, a small bar across from Strings and Things. It went from loud, obnoxious punk to complaint folk music. I couldnt believe it. Such a change of atmosphere was dizzying, but neat, in a gay way. As soon as i walked in, i ran into a girl from my old high school: Annie. She used to sit behind me in freshman English class. I never really spoke to her back then, but i exchanged a strange set of words with her before leaving that place. It turned out that Spencer also knew her since she had proposed a threesome with him at some point in the past. Annie never struck me as that sort of girl in high school, so it was a bit odd. People change, i guess. Before i left, she said "...well, won't you just be the cutest psychologist with your suit and chair...." She was funny...and just as cute as i recalled. I think i actually had a crush on her back in high school.

Funny Funny

[Jul. 17th, 2010|10:58 pm]

I tried contacting Dave earlier today, but never heard back from him after leaving a message on his answering machine. On top of that, i had plans to get back together with Spencer, but he completely ignored my two calls 20 or so minutes after i'd spoken to him. Then, i called Jeff, but he was too preoccupied with getting ready to take a shit, so he wasn't able to do anything. Overall, things fell through pretty fast with every endeavor.
Of course, thats not to say that the day changed radically as a result. The first thing i did today was drive up to the U of M library to look for books on spatial cognition. Since there weren't any, i settled on a book of Jungian articles, finding interest for maybe 20 minutes before Spencer called. What was quite literally the strangest/most frightening experience occurred immediately after i'd gotten off the phone with Spencer. As soon as he'd called, i walked through the doors of the reading area to stand at the foot of the stairs, looking over the balcony of the third floor as we talked. As i was doing so, i felt something literally grabbing at my ankles each time i looked over the edge to appreciate the height of it all. I couldn't make any sense out of this feeling, or force, if you want to call it that. It was so frightening that it made me nauseous and afraid that at any moment i might purposely take my own life in some way. My body almost caved under the pressure of the thought of hoisting myself over the edge. Whats so fucked up about all this is that i have absolutely no reason to be suicidal. In fact, i'm not even slightly depressed at this point in time, so none of this made any sense whatsoever. On my way out, i kept trying to make sense of the problem, but to no avail except that i realized one fundamental thing: true freedom.

I routinely avoid any thoughts of death, just as any normal individual might, but, as far as i can say for myself, it is almost entirely (almost) due to the fact that my deepest fear is that my body might betray me by being negligent enough to act upon sickening thoughts, like thoughts of death and whatever i might cook up. It isn't necessary to dwell on something in order to surpass it (in terms of finding solutions to problems). I simply can't cling and free my mind of any thoughts that might occur to it. What i can do, however, is teach myself that they are only thoughts until i act upon them. Its so frightening to find yourself plagued by images of violence, death, etc, but there is a reason for them. Perhaps something reminded us of it. Are our thoughts entirely us? Of course not. What we are, i think, is something beyond all thoughts and actions, but thats an unspeakable subject that i wouldnt even care to talk about if i could. I might say that we're Will, but even that's misleading. Overall, theres no point in discussing it as it won't make any sense when put to language.

On the way to Spencer's place, i felt those thoughts closing in on me. I wanted to flee them somehow, but that was obviously impossible at that point. At that moment, i was positive for about 2 or so minutes that i would go insane - completely crazy to the point where i'd kill myself. Again...a realization occurred. This one, however, i can't even begin to describe. It was a silent epiphany in itself.

After both of these incidents, i felt more alive than ever. I was frightened, yeah. I'll admit that and i still am to tell you the truth. But i'll say this:

For once, since June 7, 2001, 7 o'clock in the evening, i was no longer frightened of myself.

[Jul. 17th, 2010|04:43 am]

I bought the Hammers of Fate expansion for Heroes of Might and Magic 5. I must say that the Dwarven faction is by far the coolest. Only problem is that my computer keeps slowing down each time i play it. Odd that it should happen with this expansion pack as it never did with the original Might and Magic 5.

Its been a special day. Lots of good things and realizations. One massive realization that occurred earlier tonight will basically carry me off to a well-deserved sleep.

*aw naw hell naw*

[Jul. 15th, 2008|10:32 pm]

empressginny

[

mood

contemplative

]

Maddox is 10 weeks old today.
I honestly cant believe it.
I want him to SLOOOOOWWW DOOOOWWWWWNNNN!!!
My little man is growing and changing so fast *tear*

My phone has been off for the past week in case anyone noticed.
We're getting it turned back on tomorrow. HOPEFULLY.. if AT&T isnt all fucked up again. Bailey tried to do it yesterday but at one place the machine was broken and the next place's internet was down. Fuckers.

Money is sooo tight right now. Everything seemed to happen at once.
We did NOT pay for our vacation! So hush. Bailey's grandma & dad paid for that.
It's just really really stressful right now.
I'm starting to get wrinkles in between my eyebrows. :[
And anxiiiiiety like woah.
Whatever.

Casey got a Team Zissou tattoo and I'm jealous.
I wanted one! But I'm not mad.. the first review she ever did was a Wes Anderson movie.
Speaking of tattoos, I have a few new ones that I'm planning out, Bailey and I just have to find a new artist bc Rob moved to NC.

I have been thinking wayyy too much lately about so many things. I've been analyzing things and putting EVERYTHING into perspective. I've also been reevaluating friendships.. and it's about damn time. I havent done that in a while and it's definitely time to clean house.
I'm not worried and I'm not upset. I'm happy with my life.. and if other people arent, FUCK EM, I dont need em.
;]

♥

3 comments|post comment

[Jul. 15th, 2010|01:44 am]

At some point during the day, my gag reflex started each time i tried to light a cigarette. I was both happy and sad, but very excited with how quickly i was able to cut back after that. Of course, i didnt go the entire day without smoking, but ive got a place to start thanks to being reminded of piss and vomit each time i light up.

One of the tubes in my amp is dying fast and it affects the sound by causing the distortion to fade out and grow ultra-metallic to the point where i simply can't mess with it. I was actually thinking about buying a small practice amp to preserve those things, but it seems like i'm too late. I guess i'll have to put in an order for some new electro-harmonix bulbs.

I've been writing a new song since the spring semester let out and, just as i was on a roll, the amp decided to crap out on me. I had a lot of stress build up throughout the day, but relief came with all the progress i made with the song. Sadly, it might not go much further after tonight, but if i can get those bulbs in time, i might have a chance to complete a doozy of brutality during the following weeks. I guess i'll just have to wait and see..

http://www.vimeo.com/1211060

this is awesome

[Jul. 13th, 2008|02:44 am]

kibler

[	mood	\|	hopeful	]
[	music	\|	the song from the video	]

1 comment|post comment

[Jul. 13th, 2010|01:15 am]

[

music

napalm death - the world keeps turning

]

I've been spending a lot of time with my younger friends lately. Sadly, i don't think i'll be able to see much of them in the coming months. School is over. Kaput.

I've decided to take a break before doing anything else with my life. Maybe this will relieve some of the pressure and get me back in touch with things to where i can make some good decisions without fucking myself over. I do have few things in store for myself, but they shouldnt be hard once i get into the groove.

The funny thing about the future is that the only thing i'm worried about is getting a band together and just finding good people. I'm not really concerned with much else as its all just a matter of how well you divide things up. That shouldnt scare anyone, so whenever the thought of the frightening world ahead pops into my mind, i just remind myself of who originally put the ideas there. Things have a way of being smoothed over after that. Its a good method.

Feeling alright for now..