i see what you did thar.

a bill came in the mail for an unsubsidized school loan thats due around next week. whenever the subject of money comes up, i tend to feel uncomfortable given that the heavy burden of sustaining three people is placed solely on my mom's shoulders. this bill shouldn't be her responsibility, so i asked my dad to pay.
i felt it was wrong to do that, since our relationship as father and daughter is strained to the point like its not there anymore; i feel like i have nothing to do with him. even so, i ask for money. i am willing to go against my conscience and values, to protect my mom from breaking under all this pressure.. the things she has to suffer through, it can't even be put into words. she works until she gets sick, but i can't give anything back to her
i would rather seem selfish and demanding than to see the defeated expression on my mom when she comes home from work.

at this time, im not even clear on whether my dad feels obligated to act as a family member, or that he's doing it out of guilt for all the things he owes my mom.. sometimes i feel as if he doesn't care about anything in the world.

i try not to place the blame on anyone or thing, but its so,so hard to endure when the reality of it hits you in the face
contempt for him seeps into me against my will, seeing how the path he chose so deeply hurts my mom and my grandparents.

how i wish he was a better person.


these thoughts occasionally come back to haunt me and for a while, theres this disgusting sense of self-pity that lingers for far longer than it should. there is nothing else worth my tears other than my family, so i should not cry over him anymore.

shot my first arrows 8 hours ago (4am is becoming the accepted bedtime it seems) and i have only one word to describe it: awesome.

i'm so hyped up its like i'm uncontrollably beaming my rays of admiration for the bow & arrow at every moving thing i see (ie. my suitemates, mom, shooting partner)

the feeling you get when you pull back, release an arrow, and hear it pierce the surface in front of you is absolutely incredible. i can't wait for the next shooting practice =]

finish up pinch ceramic piece
fire coil piece
philosophy midterm
start slab ceramic piece
art history: trip to MET
art hist. quiz2
art analysis paper
neurosci exam2

its a bit of a stretch to ask that my oil paints last the whole semester
the plan is to be frugal (professor yells at me for it lol), but not to the point where it affects quality =3

(cause there's no more back-to-school sales and special prices anymore T_T)

after checking out some awesome cosplayers on dA, i feel super inspired to cosplay as well. TwT;; though i don't really know where to start..
oh yeah, choosing a character ;;;;;;;;
i don't have chubby cheeks or big eyes so mature girls/cool-type guys are probably my best bet LOL xD it'd be cool to go wig-less with a long haired chara.. my hair is somewhat long =.=;; extends right to beneath the chest (around the ribs). i wish i could have short hair.. it won't work out cause hairs would prolly stick up everywhere
hnnmm doushiyou;;

i've been getting better at bemani! finally cleared one song XDD fail*

there's so many series i want to get back into (and finish) but something always distracts me;;

here's a list off the top of my head:

hungry for brains! nomnom
dorm life is considerably happier & more fulfilling than last year. the common room was alien to me until this semester... now i eat and roll around on the carpet, paint while chatting with my dorm mates. i wonder if this is what it feels to be content?

i just finished my painting hw. a picture of a piece of crumpled paper. you have no idea how hard i had to imagine to be able to paint colors other than white and gray. @__@ its like im trying to hallucinate the colors onto canvas lol
oil paints are really fun to color with cause they take longer to dry than acrylics, so you can keep working on a pic without it drying out on you. though i like effects of watercolor alot more<3

beatmania is really hard TwT;; i thought ~4 years of finger ddr skills would be transferable to bemani. how horribly wrong i was;;; here's a video of some random pro @w@;;



uhuhu i think i'll post up replays of ffr games here~ the brain of the moon
i like this song muchos TwT probably could've full combo'd it but i'm playing on my laptop so... handicapped* ^^;;;
[ max combo: 1353 ]
perfect: 2015
good: 111
avg: 4
miss: 5
boo: 10

rosh hashanah = holiday = no school = people going back home to chill = empty dorm = ME ALONE IN EMPTY DORM = 82.371% chance of being eaten alive by zombies = constant jumping at any weird sounds/ too scared to leave my room


T___T i wish i went home like everyone else. a deserted campus is like the perfect setting for a zombie invasion

well, school started and things fall back into a routine of sorts.. the same format and layout of experiences, things you will hear or see people do, the passing of time as you try to retain as much as you can from your lectures every morning as if your brain was a sponge overflowing with water.

what surprised me most coming back on campus was that i don't seem to know where certain buildings are.. and i've even had classes in them for a whole semester. -_-; and something even more peculiar was that 2 people asked me for directions at the same spot, on different days. this leaves me with the idea that: (1) i look like someone who knows where s/he's going, (2) that intersection is a popular place to ask for directions, or (3) someone/thing is trying to tell me how bad i am at giving directions/remembering stuff i should remember

---

( rant )

buaha another bout of emo-ing @_@ eh, something more normal- i felt more hungry after than before i ate-wait, HOW IS THAT NORMAL.

sigh so many things to keep track of.. art may or may not be coming in the distant future.. =w=; aa, need to get on top of things

one more week before school starts.. i really don't know what to do with myself. =| aaaaaaah

oofuri got taken off of veoh recently. i mean, i just watched it like 2 days ago and all the episodes were still there. T_T i didn't get to see ep. 26 yet!! evil american license people. sigh i guess i'll go look for a torrent or something. and catch up on the manga =\
getting back into d.grayman was really..painless, surprisingly enough. well the art and gag in the manga is freaking awesome so apparently that's all it takes for me. xD;

my tablet was spazzing out these past few days and i thought it finally broke after like, 5 years? turns out it was the pen's problem. the nib was so worn out that the tip was lopsided XD the sensor was on 'click' when the pen was only hovering over the tablet so i was like 'wtf noo whats going on' when a webpage wouldn't stop scrolling up and down (since the cursor was still 'clicking' the scroll bar).. ;;;;
its working fine now that the nib is replaced. its kind of crazy that it lasted so many years though @__@;;

so bored.. maybe i could try and do a doujin or something.. =_=;; though i'm not sure i'll know what to do XD

 =w= i love japanese fanart sites. somehow, their art exudes so much passion for whatever series they're drawing for. de love is infectious!



im gonna spam this place with oofuri. NISHIURAAA! FIGHT-O!
until next time, ciaossu~

nufufufu.
since i have this and it'd be a waste not to use it........
i'll be dumping my sketches here i guess 8D dehe


~~
no more work! woohoo~ hopefully next summer i'll find a better paying one ;;

i've been looking through job advertisements and though i keep telling myself to not be picky, they all seem so blah.. most of them are customer service/"sales associate" jobs which require actual verbal skills (that i don't have) and its a given fact that i suck at handling people =_=;

probably, the worst thing that can happen would be getting fired for being incompetent, but i doubt i can even land a job at this rate OTL

posting here again for koyar XD~

i watched brave story last night. omg it was sooooo freaking fantastic T~T falskdjfa;lkjg i cried at the end. if you like rpgs/fantasy/beautiful animation then watch it nao..! its that good~
its english fanbase is soo small though T__T;

SAI paint tool is growing on me;; i want to buy a license for it (~48 USD).. but then if i'm going to spend money, should i get license for opencanvas instead? ahh decisions. @_@

job search is not coming along well.. my mom and grandparents keep on nagging me because i'm too chicken to go to any interviews yet T__T im so wimpy *cries in corner* ;-;