thoughts on family
i felt it was wrong to do that, since our relationship as father and daughter is strained to the point like its not there anymore; i feel like i have nothing to do with him. even so, i ask for money. i am willing to go against my conscience and values, to protect my mom from breaking under all this pressure.. the things she has to suffer through, it can't even be put into words. she works until she gets sick, but i can't give anything back to her
i would rather seem selfish and demanding than to see the defeated expression on my mom when she comes home from work.
at this time, im not even clear on whether my dad feels obligated to act as a family member, or that he's doing it out of guilt for all the things he owes my mom.. sometimes i feel as if he doesn't care about anything in the world.
i try not to place the blame on anyone or thing, but its so,so hard to endure when the reality of it hits you in the face
contempt for him seeps into me against my will, seeing how the path he chose so deeply hurts my mom and my grandparents.
how i wish he was a better person.
these thoughts occasionally come back to haunt me and for a while, theres this disgusting sense of self-pity that lingers for far longer than it should. there is nothing else worth my tears other than my family, so i should not cry over him anymore.

