damn

i hate myself i kind of finished with john but i did not i just told him i'm confused and don't know if i fancy him anymore he says he understands which i think he does but i think he knows that i like josh and rang my best friend and told her that i spend to much time with him because i went to his yesterday and we went shopping the other day but it wasn't like it was just me and him it was sean and jess aswell...although they are going out with eachother. well john has phoned my best friend a few times and she texted me saying she will ring me later but i don't want to wait i would like to know what he told her now. it's not fairy i am such a bitch why would i do that to him. people keep saying i'm not a horrible person but i don't understand it how can i not be a bitch if i was them i think i would most probably hate me for what i have done, i am even going out with josh sean and jess again tomorow. hmmm it keeps being really sunny then snowing then sunny again tis weird. my fairy love t-shirt arrived this morning it says away with the fairys it is black and the writing is extremely glittery! damnit i need to write that english essay soon i only have till monday and i really don't want to do it damn i hate english and my teacher she deserves to die i hate her she just makes me feel like crap and rubbish at everything all my teachers do it and then they wonder why i have just given up on everything it is because none of them have faith in me and the ones that do say i am underachieving but that is because so many of them say i'm rubbish i just think i am rubbish at school in general i hate it and i'm crap at it all and i'm going to die when i'm older anyway maybe even tomorow why waste my precious time doing essays? i started crying when talking to john last night but was msn so he doesn't know that and today i was annoyed at myself so have cut my leg will soon regret it but never mind i deserve to die anyhow how could i be such a bitch