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:: 009 :: [18 Oct 2004|06:37pm] [ mood | stressed ] Just as I felt a decision was at hand, I find events have taken a surprising turn. Baldev has been released, not by the hand of the Qwa'ha Xahn who continues to attempt to persuade me, but by another. He has followers. I do not know what to do with this information. Gunn was felled by him, and I was torn between assisting him and departing. In the end, I left, because now more than ever I must keep my distance. The lesser beings are not the target of the Qwa'ha Xahn's interest. I am. There is no need for his brethren or Baldev's to take notice of them. post comment

:: 008 :: [30 Sep 2004|05:31pm] [ mood | determined ] This is all very interesting indeed. I have spent the evening in close observation of the humans and half breeds, and I have now returned to the Qwa'ha Xahn. So eager to bestow workship upon me, he and his followers. I believe I now have what information I need to make a decision where that is concerned. post comment

:: 007 :: [17 Aug 2004|09:51pm] [ mood | nervous ] I am attempting to navigate the phenomenon that I believe is referred to as "claustrophobia." While I understand on a logical level that the walls of this dwelling are not, in fact, pressing inward upon me, it still feels as though they are. I must remove myself from this place quickly and inhale air that is not stale. The humans are all being painfully irritating and make my flesh crawl. post comment

:: 006 :: [15 Jul 2004|08:08am] I will do as I please. I do not enjoy the company of the half breed when he is in a state of grief that inhibits his center of logic. Alexander is more reasonable, yet I do not appreciate either one of them trying to prevent me from doing violence upon simple-minded men. Why should I allow individuals to be ill-mannered? They deserve a great deal of physical pain, those who dishonor me. The shell is mine to use as I desire. Its brain, form, and function belong to me now. Anyone who finds this distasteful is not thinking clearly enough for my taste. post comment

:: 005 :: [09 Jul 2004|09:13am] When small young women believe themselves to be endowed with great power, it is my observation that this makes them incredibly irritating to others. I do not understand why it is bothersome if I choose to stand in a closet. 1 comment|post comment

:: 004 :: [30 Jun 2004|07:57am] I am perplexed. Spike wished to converse with me last night, and I was willing to do so. Yet though he specifically requested my assistance on a matter concerning the young one who tends to shriek, he dismissed my advice. I find this irritating. If he did not feel I was appropriate to give him council, why inquire of me at all? I also do not understand why he finds it necessary to laugh every time I use the term "intercourse." Additionally, I mean to ask someone what is a "miniskirt," because apparently Spike would find it appealing if I were to make use of one. Alexander continues to provide information, although our interaction tires him. It is something I have not yet worked out, the concept of sleep. The humans do not keep to consistent periods of waking and resting, so how is it that I am expected to understand when I have induced exhaustion? Such fragile beings. Even the half-breeds do not behave as one would think such creatures ought to; both Spike and Angel seem unconcerned with being ambulatory even when the sun is at its peak. Certainly, they keep themselves indoors at such times, but it still makes little sense. I do require some renewal of my senses in this form, but merely placing this body horizontally upon some surface for an hour recharges me adequately. I wish not to indulge too much in this, for there are occasionally disturbing pictures that enter my mind when I lack consciousness. I understand that these are "dreams," but they disorient me and are not pleasurable. 2 comments|post comment

:: 003 :: [23 Jun 2004|08:34am] I spent several hours recently speaking with the warrior. My impression of him has improved. I sense something in him that sets him apart from the other humans. There is an air about him that drew me to seek him out, and I began to inquire of him some basic things about the mortal world. At first, he attempted to rudimentarily explain various concepts to me, but it became clearer as our conversation proceeded that he is not unfamiliar with this type of work. He has been a guide before to one not dissimilar to me, though perhaps lower in grandeur from my former position. I believe he felt great affection for her, what men call "true love." While at once, this induces a loss of a measure of respect, for I had hoped he was not susceptible to such irrational emotions, at the same time I realize that was the impetus for his desire to guide this other being. He apparently did a good enough job with this that she became fully assimilated. I am contemplating seeking him out more often to assist me. It is not necessarily that I wish to become completely integrated into the human realm, but it might ease the discomfort of attempting to navigate it as blindly as I have been. Obviously, there are still ones here I neither understand nor like. However, I am willing to step back, watch, and listen for the time being. There is a measure of generosity I have been afforded, and -- dare I say -- I am attempting to understand the concept of humility. It is a vile thing, of course, yet I have not felt remotely connected to my identity in the same way I used to ever since Wesley's death. So I will put on a veil of this "humility" and not castigate the humans verbally or physically. Even the ones that are irritating have not been uncharitable in their actions. They have given me shelter and offered me nourishment. This generosity appears to be in their wiring, something they are trained to do without question. I sense similar traits in Fred's memories. She would've liked all of them, I can tell, even those she hadn't made the acquaintance of, and they would've liked her. It fills me with a strange sensation that I cannot adequately describe when I ponder one thing in particular. As much as I've reached a point of mutual understanding with Spike, I am well aware that he preferred the shell. She was his friend. I do not believe he considers me quite at that level. It annoys me that I find this troublesome, for it should be of little consequence to me what he thinks. He is a mere half-breed; I should think him beneath me. 3 comments|post comment

:: 002 :: [17 Jun 2004|12:20am] I do not care to hear continual comparisons between myself and the form I wear. Her acquaintance is bothersome and shrill. This place, "Saint James," "Nipaguay" -- a place where wars felled natives not two centuries ago -- overlooks clear waters and houses militia posts. I am unimpressed, though the buildings are tall and graceful. Spike became vexed last evening when he encountered a small female with rage-filled eyes. She has power and strength, but the warrior of this new collective is clearly the one whose distinctive injury marks him thusly. I remain dismissive of the majority of these creatures, yet I am pleased that Angel has said nothing about wishing to effect my demise. I appear to have not outlived my usefulness in some capacity. post comment

:: 001 :: [15 Jun 2004|09:12pm] I am in a building filled with many humans, several of whom have been in and out of this room with regularity to assist in Gunn's healing. Their ministrations have not been effective enough for my liking, because Gunn is still lacking consciousness. I wish him to awaken soon, for this place is growing tiresome. I gave my word that I would watch over him, however, and that is what I shall continue to do. I am greatly irritated at the emotional state I keep returning to, what I can only describe as a sense of hope that Wesley would have been proud of me. It is not my desire to feel that, nor is it my desire to mourn for him as he mourned for the shell. It is her residual memories and humanity that are the causes of this insipid sentimentality, and I loathe it nearly as much as I loathe the prospect of navigating the world without his presence. It is all quite frustrating. I do not yet know the details of how the half-breeds fared, although I know the demons did not succeed in terminating them. I await news from one of them. I presume nothing beyond that, for I know Angel cannot necessarily be trusted to wish to keep me "on the team," as he calls it. My existence may yet be in jeopardy. I have no doubt that Spike would be willing to let me live, for I believe we find one another amusing to some extent. It often strikes me that he speaks similarly to Wesley... I am reminded of much that I wish I had said to him before he -- This weakness for Winifred's dead lover is verging on the ridiculous. I am content to wait for Gunn's physical improvement. I will think no more of other matters. post comment

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