severed soul

_severedsoul @ 2004-04-25T18:46:00

2008-03-12T23:23:20Z

Theres something so strangely beautiful about bleeding. The contrast of your blood against your skin... and the life your blood holds. The life you can easily take away. You are your own god. You hold your own fait in your own hands.
Seven cuts are currently located on my left wrist in a somewhat abstract design. They are from Thursday. A personal outlash to the emotions I've been trying to swallow for months now. For some reason cutting seemed like the only thing I had at the time. It still feels like that now. Nothing seems to matter to me at all. My whole life just seems pointless now. I no longer have any interest in living any longer, because I don't think there is anything left.
I failed grade 9 for the second time and along with that goes my confidence in my ability to suceed, and my confidence in school. I cringe at the thought of myself in a classroom filled with cocky 14 year olds who would think themselves better than me because I am a failure. And it brings tears to my eyes to think that I am supposed to be attending grade eleven next year. Failing once is hard enough, and I managed to deal with that. Failing twice... well its just plain old shitty.
So now where is my life leading? Into the third summer before grade 9 starts. Who knows what will happen after that. I'd guess something simaler to this year. How the hell am I supposed to pass when I can't even get my ass to school? Not to mention the pressure of the teachers and schoolwork... but it's not like I'd let myself go to any other school than GGS right now. The only thing worse than a class full of people who think they're better than me is a school full.
On top of all this, there is no telling what either Rhyan or Dad is going to do when they find out about my failing again. I can assume that Rhyan would use this against me in any future arguments. As for Dad, I cannot even imagine. My plan is to hide from him as much as possible until he dies. $10 000 is alot to pay to fail. You can guess how much guilt I'm feeling.
And I'm finding that being with Andy is ultimatly hurting me more -- because I love him. I think. And he doesn't love me.
The pain is so terrible when you say I love you to someone and they say nothing. But they still seem to care about you... so you think your just not good enough to love. There is something wrong with you. There is something keeping them from loving you.
I know I have at least one person to live for. And thats Dani... and as much as I love her and care for her, its so hard try and place her above all the shit thats been happening to me.
But who am I kidding? I've got it good. I've got a big house, a fridge full of food, my own laptop, tons of clothes I like. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. I have a family willing to do anything for my own wellbeing. I currently have two doctors looking over me, dedicated to just my emotional well being. So why the fuck am I complaining?

_severedsoul @ 2004-04-18T20:28:00

2008-03-12T23:18:46Z

I am very tired and lazy right now... bloop
The weekend was decent. I went into Grim City and drank a bit and smoked a bit. I helped Dan and Meg with some comercial they needed to do. Then Dani got sick, that silly wooo-woo head.
I got some fucking shitty news, I'm failing grade 9 for sure this year. I decided not to think about it over the weekend and to just drown out my thoughts with booze and pot until I felt I was in a calm enough state to deal with it properly. And I have decided to get a tutor and gather as many grade 9 credits that I can, and then attend Grey Gables next year.
However, this might interfere with the moving out plan. As much as I really want to move out, this kinda takes priority.
Oh! I just remembered, ma said that if I can't move out over the summer, Megan can move in with us :D!! I think this would be an awesome idea, even for just the summer. She could stay longer, but that would depend on whether or not she wants to go back home and just 'punish' her parents with absence, or if she wants to go back to GSS or what not. Moms letting her move in 'cuz Rhyan is moving to Grim City with Dad.
So thats good news. :D I forgot to tell her when I saw her but hopefully she'll email me or something after reading this and tells me what she thinks. *hint hint*
UGH. Thinking sucks. So does sober.

_severedsoul @ 2004-04-14T23:19:00

2008-03-12T23:16:44Z

I can write! :P Hurray. Here's an ultra short story. It's up for interpretation, you can take it however you want :)

It has all come to this. This one moment. I sit here on the edge of my bed, with tears clouding my view and all I can hear is two words repeating in my head. “What’s left?”
There is no answer. Nothing is left. That’s why it had to come to this. I lifted right my hand weakly and brushed the tears from my eyes so I could see what I was doing. My left hand held a piece of lined paper, with scratchy writing in blue ink. I wrote that two days ago.
I placed the paper onto my pillow, and paused to look at it. It looked almost poetic on the soft, floral case. My eyes became blurry again, and I quickly wiped away the tears. There is nothing left. I have made my choice.

_severedsoul @ 2004-04-13T20:47:00

2008-03-12T23:13:50Z

oh yeah, I also wrote something. Feel free to comment on it, or suggest stuff. I have no idea where it came from but it just happened. If anyone feels like adding to it, you can email your addition to it, and I'll continue it from there (making some kind of multi-authored book) even just a sentance would be appreciated. :)

Everybody knows that Graduations are the anti-location for Goths, Metal-heads, Punks and any other hardcore popularity hating social group. So as you can imagine I didn’t much want to be at my Grade Eight Grad. In some ways it’s worse than the notorious High School Prom. Grade eights think that Graduation is a big deal, when it’s about as exciting as butter on toast. Whoop de do. You now get to be tossed into a high school full of people who hate your guts, because your niners.
My parents have always tried to force a good girl appeal on me. They would tell themselves that my darkly applied eye liner was just a phase and I’d be as popular as Lucy in a matter of months. I just needed some guidance. So about 3 months before Graduation came along my mom dragged me out to some fancy dress shop called ‘Rachel’s Plus’, that, as you can guess from the name, specialized in plus sized clothing.
Now, I’m not a fat girl but I’m defiantly not a thin girl. I’ve got my fair share of meat on me but honestly, it didn’t bug me. It bugged me when my mom suggested I try a low-fat diet – which was promptly ignored.
So, the inside of Rachel’s is filled with extremely bright lights and decorated in a bland brown and tan style. However the dresses on display were quite contrasting, in bright pinks, blues and purples. Ew. If anything had of grossed me out more than the sight of oversized Easter-egg dresses with too many sparkles on them, I probably would have puked.
But mom pulled me in anyway, pulling up every disturbing dress on the rack and holding it against me. Asking stupid questions like “Would this show too much cleavage?”, or “Do you think you could squeeze into this?”. I looked away from the wretched dresses that my mother was pushing on me and caught my eyes on a rather elegant black dress with a simple black bodice. Of course the second I laid eyes on it I heard my mother whine...
“Don’t you think you wear too much black already?” She put her hand on her boney hip and looked at me with tiresome eyes. I didn’t care what she thought, I wasn’t going to wear an Easter-egg dress. I ignored her comment and walked over to the dress. The second I laid my fingers on it, my senses were welcomed with the smooth silky texture. It was nice enough, and far from over-the-top. I glanced at mom, and back at the dress; silently I let her know it was the one I wanted.
“Well, you should at least try it on first.” She took the dress off the hook and put it over her arm. “And while we’re at it I want you to try these ones too.” I watched as she piled some more dresses over the simple black one. An off the shoulder, bright orange dress with thick crunchy sounding fabric, a white dress with ‘slimming’ lines and a 50's style neck, and a pink dress with layers of sparkly sheer and princess styled trim along the bust line.
I tried them on, one by one. I received some less than desired comments on how I should wear pink more often, and how I wouldn’t need the slimming lines of the white dress if I lost some weight.
Still, I held firm to the simple black dress. With much whining and arguing I finally got my way.
“I was just hoping that you would want to look pretty for your Graduation. You know, it took Lucy two weeks to pick out her dress. You remember right? I spent $1500 on that gorgeous oyster colored one she wore. Every eye in the hall was on her. I sometimes wish I could see you like that too, you know Nicky?” She whined in her usual fashion and I nodded as if I were listening.
The night of the Graduation was upon me and I was clothed in my elegant black dress. My mother, with a weepy hug, slid a silver locket around my neck– the same one Lucy wore to her Grad. She had me stand out on the front porch while Dad took pictures of me, begging me to smile. Lucy gave me a fake hug and kiss and we were on our way to Warfourd Hall, where the Graduation would be held.
It was a long and boring process. Our school had a total of 128 students graduating into grade nine. One by one each student was called, given their certificate and some given awards. Then the valedictorians would speak and say some sappy, gag-worthy speech that would have defiantly brought tears to my moms eyes. What seemed like days ended at 9:00 and the entire audience of the Graduation crowded into a rather small room with punch and cheesy snacks. Handshakes, hugs and kisses were passed around everywhere. I rolled my eyes at Audry from across the room as I saw her grandparents pulling her cheeks. Poor Audry; her Grandmother had picked out her dress for her to wear, and it was a terribly tacky yellow dress with white flowers pinned onto the sheer.
My mom grabbed me and hugged me and told me how proud she was of me. I knew she was lying so she’d look like a nice mother in front of all these people. I had barley passed most of my classes and I won no awards. Lucy had an A average and was Valedictorian of her class. Her speech even made it into the papers, because it was so ‘beautiful’. Not to mention she also won an Art Award, a Music Award, and a Math Award. Lucy was moms perfect child. I was just an embarrassment to her.
After the fifteen minutes of fake smiles mom left me to the dance that was afterwards. I had arranged to go home with Audry so I wouldn’t be seeing my family at all tonight. Which was perfect. We waited for my parents to leave, and Audry’s grandparents to leave. Then we promptly ditched the dance.
The Warfourd Hall was located right near the downtown area. Standing outside, you could see hundreds of grade 12 graduates littering the streets and bars. Most of them just starting the night out.
“Man, I can’t wait until I’m out of highschool.” Audry mumbled. “And I haven’t even started yet.” She looked down at her dress and sighed. “God, I look like a fucking duck in this thing.” she paused and looked up at me. “Lets go back to my place and change.”
Since I knew I was going to Audry’s after the dance, I brought along a backpack with some clothing and entertainment for the night. The walk to Audry’s only took five minutes and when we got there, Wes greeted us with a grin.
“Hey girls, back so soon?” He said, while cracking open a Bud. Audry dropped her white purse onto the floor and kicked her shoes out into the already messy living room.
“Yeah,” she said, “dances are shit anyway.” I quickly tossed my bag into Audry’s bedroom and looked back out to the living room. Wes took a long chug from his beer and said “I got you guys some beer too. It is your Grad after all.” Audry turned her head at me and back to Wes.
“Thanks, Wes.” She pushed me into her room and quickly locked the door behind her. She turned to me and started taking her dress off. Audry looked a lot different from me. She was short, and skinny. She had tanned skin and dark hair. Next to me she almost looked childish with her less than girly figure.
“I swear to God, Wes gets creepier every day.” The dress fell to her feet and she kicked it across the room. “Pass me those pants.” She pointed at a pair of tight jeans that were half-unfolded on her bed. I tossed them to her and started undressing myself.
“What do you mean?” I said. I knew already why Audry was creeped out by Wes. She had told me before that he’ll look her up and down for a few seconds and offer her things that would normally lead into bad situations. Audry didn’t like staying at home with Wes, unless her cousin Chloe was there with her.
“Well he bought us beer, Nic. I don’t know where he got the money for it... I mean we don’t even have any damn bread and he bought us beer.” She slipped into her pants easily and reached for a shirt.
“All well,” I said beginning to undress. “At least we’ll be going out. I’ll just put some beers in my back pack and we’ll be fine, right? We can just crash at the park tonight, or something.”
The park was the number one place in the city for finding all the people you don’t want to meet. First off, you get people like us – young, restless, trouble making kids who are just looking for something to do. Then you get the weirdos who come from the hospital. They usually aren’t there for any indulgence of liquor or drugs. They just like the night air, I guess. Then there are the teen-homeless who usually spend their entire summers on the benches selling E and pot to any passer by who wants it. They are almost always seen with a forty of something. Next are the older people, who range from 20 to 45. These people tend not to spend a lot of time at the park, but usually find there way there after a drunken adventure, some looking for drugs, others looking for girls who sell themselves. Audry and I have slept at the park before, but it was only for half the night and we were both scared shitless. Of course, that was last summer. I was sure we could handle it this time around.
We’d finish dressing ourselves, and reapplying our makeup to suit our usual, casual selves. After I stacked some beers into my backpack, we headed on down to the park. It was a pretty short walk and we could hear people from the park half way down the street. When we got there, we automatically recognized people. On the park bench nearest the street, there was Kevin Richards. He graduated last year, and was well known for his large supply of Magic Mushrooms, he apparently grows himself without his parents knowing. He’s usually our dealer and we get a lot of decent pot off of him. He brushed his fingers through his greasy black hair and smiled coyly at us. He was always a really shy guy, and didn’t talk to much.
“Hey, I thought I’d see you here.” He said, his voice was barley heard.

_severedsoul @ 2004-04-13T20:17:00

2008-03-12T23:12:43Z

Ew.
Friday I had to go to the hillmers and it sucked balls. The night consisted of the usual small talk that lasts for fucking hours. Everyone was making comments on how proud they were of Rhyan for getting a job at the bank. Rhyan looked at me and was saying how unimpressive it was that they only notice and talk to him now that he has a boring desk job, just like the rest of them.
Stupid Hillmers. Then my dad and Grandma got in some huge fight about the stupidest little thing and Grandma ended up saying that she didnt take dad seriously and such things. Then dad stormed out of the house and I ended up crying because I'm so fucking sensitive. Grandma came over to me and started trying to comfort me and I just couldnt help but think of how cruel she was and how much I hate her. Shes said so many things behind our backs about how we're not her real grandchildren... I hate her so much. She told me to write a journal entry about that night and just forget everything that happened. How shallow. Just forget what happened.
Fucking bitch.
Then the next day dan and I hung around, not much happened.
Sunday was Rhyans 20th, and we went to the Keg, and I had the BEST steak I have ever had. It was sooooo gooooood. We came back and went to Andy's house. I wish I could spend more time with Andy alone. . . this sucks so much. If I spend time with just Andy I feel guilty that I'm not with Dani. If I spend time with just Dani I start getting depressed that I'm not with Andy. If I spend time with both of them, then ... well my emotions just go to shit. I feel bad for not being affectionate with Andy because I dont want Dani feeling left out but then I start feeling more distant from Andy and the only time we can get together is while we're sleeping.
It really pissed me off last week... when Andy and I were over at Dani's place. The entire two days we were down there I was trying to be as physicaly distant from Andy as I could, as a courtisy thing to my friends. Andy was sitting in a chair, and I was on the couch. Dan was playing Dance Dance, Liah was doing something... the point is everyone but us two and I went over to him and sat on his lap and kissed him. The song stopped on Dance Dance and Liah came in and said "Ew, could you get off him Jenn? Your reminding me of Caitlyn and Vail" and Dan agreed with her. I just fucking boiled over.
For one thing being compared to with Caitlyn in a serious manner is not something I can take to cooly-- considering everyone thinks of her as a sloppy, stupid, poser whore. Secondly I was on him for three fucking seconds. He's my God damned boyfriend and I'm so bloody sorry if I want to be affectionate to him. I spent two days being descreet about it and the second I kiss him in a room full of people everyone has to jump all over it and make such a huge deal about it, as if I had been doing it all fucking day. It was just a kiss!!
Of course I didnt want to get mad at anyone so I just shut down.
Then again I'm just way to fucking sensitive about everything.
Anyway, we watched the wall on Andy's big screen.
I still dont have a note for school, and I want to go so bad.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to fail. I just know I'm going to fail.
Theres only 3 months until school is over and I've so far missed two weeks in a row of this term. I havnt been to school since March Break.
My life feels like its going no where. I just wish I could give up and die. I've been living on about one meal a day for two weeks and I've lost five pounds already. I wanted to lose five pounds, but I was sort of planning on doing it by exersize.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?!?! Things are supposed to be good. I just moved into a house, the summer is coming, I have a boyfriend, I go to a great school... why the fuck does everything have to suck?! It doesnt make sence. I can't pull myself together.
The cheque has been re-written and is now being sent back to us. I dont know when we can expect it.
Mom won some random skiing trip in Thunder Bay or something. That should cheer her up.

_severedsoul @ 2006-01-19T21:35:00

2005-11-08T09:07:48Z

Life is a journey.
Death is a return to earth.
The universe is like an inn.
The passing years are like dust.

Regard this phantom world
As a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp - a phantom - and a dream.

friends only, bitches. comment to be added.