Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Justin's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
1:32 am	fuck everyone why do girls always say things like "i didn't deserve u" after they break up with you? Obviously it was me who didn't deserve them, or why would they break up with me? i didn't think they didn't deserve me, so why would they? for once all i wanted was to not fail. I really thought i deserved to get what i wanted for once, but apparently not. During your life you have many kinds of love, friends, family, god, i mean i have those, i've got a great family and some great friends, and i beleive in god, i do love him, and beleive he loves me, but everytime i get close to the last kind of love, one with the opposite sex, its ripped from me. I don't know how close i was becuase i've never been in love before .. i don't know what it feels like, all i know is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on. I just don't know why i'm doomed to never be happy for long periods of time. i really did cry for the first time tonight in longer than i can remember. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Fuck it. whats the point of being ashamed? I just don't know what to do, becuase i know if she were to come to me tomorrow and tell me she realized she didn't want to end it i would go back to her in a second ... I may be over dramatic or whatever, but i don't care, i'm serious. It really is odd how you don't notice how strong your feelings are for someone until you've lost them. I knew i cared for her more than i have ever cared for a girl before, but not that much more ... i just don't know what to do ... :( Current Mood: depressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 28th, 2003
12:15 am	ME! yup thats right this one is all about me. You know becuase none of the others are. I've been real busy lately, and its kind of, and by kind of i mean very, frustrating sometimes. With all of the work and other stuff i have to do, i tend to value the time i get to have fun a lot more. And becuase of that, i have been working much harder so i have time to have fun. On top of that, i have found that running is my new way of venting stress, and my time to think. I had been questioning a lot of wierd thoughts i have a lot, one of them being why a relationship seemed so important to me, when i have all i need already. I don't need to go into detail on that becuase the only person who that makes any difference to (who also is the only one who reads this i beleive) already knows what i mean. Anyway, during my run today the answer finally came to mind, or atleast what i think to be an answer. All of the relationships i have had, girls have told me their feelings, u know said they really liked me and stuff, and then everytime, bam!, they change their mind. So even when i completely beleive someone in what they tell me, some silly part of me, my insecure part (probably the biggest part of me), is worried, it wants some sort of extra assurance that what is said is true, while the rest of me doesn't need that assurance because i completely trust everything that is said. Now that i atleast know why, i can attempt to figure out how to solve it. In anycase i am happy the way things are right now :) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Disturbed - Darkness (i know it doesn't make sense) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
9:17 pm	end of the "race" Well its over. I guess i wasn't behind in the race. i was tied. and we both lost. I hate this I was really hoping this wouldn't happen again. But hell, its me, what else should happen? i mean there is no way i could ever have a real relationship. Granted its all i have wanted, but that doesn't matter. I thought i found someone this time, i mean she was great, still is. She was imperfect for me. But i guess i wasn't imperfect enough for her. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! i just can't win. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 2nd, 2003
12:09 am	bad choices Have you ever mada a decision you regret? Done something u wish u hadn't? I screwed shit up royally, maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, but then again maybe not. I was asking myself the other day what my priorities were, i made a mental list of the things that mean stuff to me and put them in the order that everyone would assume they would be in. Then i put the list in the real order. i was surprised to say the least. I still can't understand why some of my friends would try and put things on thier priotity list so high that really aren't that important, and then get mad at me when i choose to do something that i think is more important. Not only that but get so mad that they ridicule me and tell everyone else to. Drinking is not and never will be a priority in my life. I enjoy it from time to time, but under no circumstances will it ever be that important. I realized when i woke up this morning that my list was still askew and i fixed it once again, this time i know its right ... except now its to late to take back my choices i made according to the wrong list i made. On top of the fact that i upset someone that i care an extremely lot about, i probably put myself even more behind in a race i was already losing. Hopefully the race will end once and for all sometime this week, but my legs are already weak ... and cliff i fell off of friday night sure as hell didn't help. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 17th, 2003
2:40 am	? I just don't know what to do. I can't help but feel like i'm fighting an uphill battle. There is nothing i want more ... absolutely nothing ... yet i get the feeling sometimes like i'm not going to be so lucky. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
10:11 pm	Worrisome Nights Have you ever laid in your bed, and not be able to sleep becuase you are worried? God knows i have ... atleast the last two night, altho monday was much worse. Things have been happening, and i have heard several things of late, that cause me to worry. I just don't know what to do, becuase there is nothing i can do. I know this, but i just don't know how to accept it. I hate having to just wait and see what happens, becuase that just makes the worry worse, but its something i just have to deal with at this point. I say all i can to help the situation, and i'm not going to give up, not without a ver good reason. Becuase i have invested a part of myself, something i don't want to lose, and gained more than i can say in return as of now. I can only hope that when this situation is resolved, the sooner the better, and the happier, i am still where i want to be. Where i can give more of myself, and be as happy as i was before. Well i have to go take care of someother difficult business ... Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
1:12 am	... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH god damnit not again. please? i swear there must be something wrong with me. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 30th, 2003
2:47 am	Where does it lead to? I spent a couple hours today researching job opportunities and possible undergraduate research projects, and it got me to thinking a little. I didn't really qualify for much, i mean i can program well. If i couldn't i wouldn't be here with a 4.0 in com sci (just in my major). But i still couldn't help but think, i didn't find much of the opportunities interesting. All the breaking edge stuff is pretty boring. All i really want is a job writing games and stuff. Not researching thread technology for operating systems (which is a URP i might apply for). When you go to college, you tend to think that you're going to be rich when you get older becuase your smart, and better than everyone else. Then you actually go to college and realize that everything is not even close to that. I'll be lucky to get an average job when i get out the way the market is now. I constantly think that i made wrong decisions on things and should have dual majored in something, maybe joined the minds and machines program or dualed in management. And i think that i haven't been taking enough initiative. If only iwasn't as lazy as i am, which is a counter effect of having it easy earlier in life. I got jobs becuase they were easy to get, i didn't need to do much to get them and now i don't have one for the summer, and i know its only january, but still. I've always had the dream of owning my own island, someplace warm, and having all really cool technological crap all over the place, but come on! I know now that i am going to be living in a average house when i get older with my wife and kids, and still be middle classes, not that that bothers me much. I see it not as a dissapointment as much as inevitabilty. That doesn't mean i'm going to settle, of course not, i will still strive for that island (more of a metaphor then a truth), I'm going to do my work in school and try my hardest, and maybe someday. I mean you never know. Well i think i'm done with my crap for tonight. Goodnight all Current Mood: sore Current Music: Eric Clapton - Change the World (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
1:01 am	A New Beginning I haven't writting in this journal for quite some time, like 8 months or so (except for the stupid important message thingie). I don't have all that much to write about, well i do, but i don't feel like it becuase i do have work i should be doing instead (HA). A lot has happened since i wrote in this journal. For example i have been a brother of theta xi since mid october, and let me tell you, joining a fraternity was the best thing i ever did. I got elected to be rush chairman and assistant treasurer this semester. Ass T is easy, all i have to do is keep track of fines which isn't much work at all, but rush is a lot of work, although it will be over wednesday or possibly whenever we have induction night, which will probably be next wednesday. Then i won't have to do any rush stuff until planning for fall rush which won't start until mid summer. Lets see, what else happened? I finished my third semester here at RPI. I recieved a 3.5 GPA with 16 more credits to my name. ( I dropped one class in the beginning of the semester) . Yes, it was my worst semester so far, but i am shooting for a 4.0 this semester, and i htink i can pull it off. I am taking 18 credits, 4 4 credit class, Models of Computation, Operating Systems, Thinking, and Audio/Video, and i am taking one 2 credit class, Programming in Java. I will for sure keep my 4.0 in my major becuase the 3 com sci classes i am taking are hard but not too hard that a genius like me can't do them. What else? What else? What else? Me and my 4 roommates went to canada again this time for 5 days and for cheaper than last time. We skiied for 4 and man it was fun. I have now come to love skiing. We got to watch a Big-Air competition which was real cool, for the 5 minutes we watched it until our feet (and rest of our body) were so cold we almost died. Yeah it was below zero out. I also went skiing this past saturday, which was fun to, but the mountain wasn't nearly as nice. One more thing about cold, for the last like 2 weeks it has almost consistently gone below zero and at one point got below like -20. now thats cold shiot. One last thing, I met someone i like a real lot. I'm leaving it at that. I guess i lied when i said i didn't have much to talk about. Oh well. "whatever" thats all for now folks. buh bye Current Mood: normal Current Music: none, although i kind of want to hear some michael jackson. (Comment on this)
12:59 am	*****IMPORTANT MESSAGE****** All entried before this are freaking extremely old and not to be taked seriously to any extent whatsoever. This has been an important message brought to you by the maker of the previous entried and the leter entried (Me) (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 6th, 2002
2:51 am	dibbidy do bop pa da diddally doo wah wah oogachuga oogachuga woo woo yeah so umm yeah i think i am gonna go to NY tomorrow. I dont' really know why but i think i will. for some reason of which i am unaware, my boss gave me the weekend off. I think i wanna go hang with ma bros and shizznit plus i wanna get out of my house. that would be nice. yup yup ok buh bye. Current Mood: tired Current Music: yup cuz its late (Comment on this)
Friday, July 5th, 2002
1:42 am	::sigh:: i'm bored you know what i need ?? a girl ... not a girlfriend necessarily cuz women suck or atleast in 95% of my experience .. heh .. oh yeah and no the recent girl did not do what all the rest did ... atleast not yet, just the trouble of being home for the summer. I still like her. I honestly do. blarg what is wrong with me that i can't get women? fuck my self confidence problem, i know now that i'm not ugly and i don't care that it sounds vain . no one reads this anyhoo. you know, i'm smart, i'm a nice guy .. wait fuck that, i'm the nicest god-damned guy i know, i can be an asshole at times but not to girls, never, only to be funny.. oh well life goes on good news:: I got myroom back, soon i will move my stuff back in and it will be all mine again WOO oi .. my life is boring now ... i need to go back to school. all i do is work and sleep .. i go online and swim sometimes ... i used to run before i went ot missouri but i got lazy AGAIN ... i need to start running again gotta get in shape ... on a plus side of shapiness ... thats not a word but anyhoo .. i finally lost most of my "fat" on my stomach .. my six pack is completely visible .. now i need to work on the 8 ... and the V ..yup ... chach is good chach is missing me need chach NOW !! oki i'm done with my random ranting and being vain Current Mood: green Current Music: thats not a mood is it? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 14th, 2002
11:12 pm	yes so i don't write in this very often but i don't care ... no one reads it anyway ... plus whenever i write about a girl i like or whatever, shit always happens ... heh although it happened before i got the journal too so maybe i just suck with women ? well there is someone i like now, and i am about 95% sure she likes me as well, but i'm not going to mention her name cuz i don't feel like it, she knows who she is :) and no its def. not the girl mentioned in previous entries ... she decided a while ago that i was not good enough for her ... maybe shes right who knows ... oh well but she is the one who cheated on her boy friend so who is not good enough for who? i could not have a relationship with someone who could do that anyway. I much prefer a girl who is #1 single ... enough of the non-single girls, it doesn't work ... #2 someone who i can be myself around, act like an idiot when i am in a dumb mood and be serious when i feel that way ... and #3 someone who likes me for me ... not someone who is blind and thinks i am just good looking ... anyway, i hope things work out with the girl i like right now ... buh bye Current Mood: blat (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 3rd, 2002
3:37 pm	well, its already friday, in one week, my freshman year in college will be over. It went by so incredibly fast, i'm gonna miss all my friends for the next 3 months, although it wil be nice to be home for a while too. This year was not wihtout merit tho. I had a great time and like i said last entry, i met the most amazing girl ever. I miss her sooo much. Hopefully i will be able to see her in a couple of weeks, one of my friends is a pilot and said he would fly me down for free. That would be hot, so i thinki am gonna do it. This mornig i woke up, and she had left me a message on my computer, saying she wants to be with me, and all i could do was smile, becuase i feel the same way. I hope works out, it has to. Shes gonna be home in a half hour ... oi i can't wait. Anyway now that you know how much of a sap i am ... I can tell you about how smart i am too ... hahaha ...what? c'mon i have to have some confidence, i mean i don't have any anywhere else ... Back to me being smart, I got one of my grades in so far, i got an A in psychology. I have figured out that i can get an A in physics if i get an 85 on the final, and A in discrete if i can get a 93 on the final, and an A in comp sci if i get an 84 on the final. I know if i study hard enough i can get all these grades, and get myself a 4.0 this semester. Finally i can be proud of myself ... but i don't want ot get ahead of myself either, i guess as long as i get a 3.75 or higher i can be happy but yeah. blah blah blah lata Current Mood: Missing Sarah :-/ Current Music: Unwritten Law - Rescue Me (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 28th, 2002
11:53 pm	Its amazing how life sometimes throws you something beatiful at the most unexpected times. Obviously i knew sarah was coming up for the formal, but i had forgotten how absolutely amazing she is. I could not have possibly had a better time. I don't remember but i am guessing i have said before that i wasn't gonna leave myself open to get hurt again, and the first time she came up like 4 weeks ago, i did my best to keep a shell around my feelings so i wouldn't have to go through it again, but after the last couple days, i let the shell fall. I pray that i won't have to go through it anyway, i know she likes me, probably just as much as i like her, but she has other things that get in the way, also she goes to school 2.5 hours away, and probably 4 hours from my house where i am gonna be in a couple weeks cuz i only have 1 more day of classes and then exams. Its amazing that i saw her only this morning, no more than 8 hours ago and i already miss her as much as i do. Its gonna be sad waking up tomorrow morning and her not being there next me like she was the last two nights. She did leave me a token to remember her bye tho. (I know thats sounds like i am never gonna se her again, i thats not what i mean, just something of hers i can keep with me until i see her again.) She left a ring in my room and I will be wearing it almost all the time, until i can give it back to her Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: Incubus - Wish you were here (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 25th, 2002
6:22 pm	oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi I'm soooo bored, even tho i could start my physics project or study for my test tomorrow ..... i just don't want to. i have been doing work 24/7 all week so i can be free from it for this weekend. whats this weekend you ask? oh the formal for theta xi. And i am taking a very very very beautiful girl who i can't wait to see. I'm so excited, but she isn't coming up till tomorrow and i am very impatient. a whole day. oi. wel; maybe i will do some work ... almost done for the semester you know Current Mood: excited Current Music: me whistling (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 14th, 2002
12:59 am	i haven't really written in this for a while, so i hope no one reads it any more. Now i write, not to talk to anyone, but only for myself, as a way to vent and frustrations i have. Lately i've been noticing little things. Lots of little things. Some of which have been really bothering me. I have been comtemplating my drinking situation and have finally realized that it isn't helping me at all. I can see the occasion this and that but i am def cutting down. I dind't drink last night or tonight and if i can do without dirnking at all on a weekend i can do with out it anytime. Many of my friends have been very... hmm how do i put this ... i want to say disrespectful, although that makes me sound like i am special or something which i am obvioulsy not, but still.... They say a bunch of little things that make me feel so dumb ... they act as tho i am an idiot like it doesn't matter cuz i'm not as good as them. i don't know what it is and maybe i'm just imagining things. i most likely am. For example, today at the mixer we had with alpha phi, i was talking to this girl, just friendly conversation, and one of my pledge bros comes along and joins in the conversation. fine no big deal. a little while later, she is just talking to him and they are both acting like a don't exist. Kinda annoying nothing big just annoying. Same kid is bringing a girl to our formal i had an "incident" with lets say. I mean yeah, i'm not gonna say he can't take her cuz i have no right to, but it is gonna be really wierd. Like i "intorduced" them to each other cuz she was with me and now this ... its a little wierd. I haven't seen or talked to her in a couple months now and then she randomly IMs me and tells me this. Although i am going to the formal with one of the most beautiful girls i have ever met, who is also incredibly fun to hang out iwth and just an overall great person so i shouldn't even care. So i don't. The whole disrespectful thing tho is very clear. Like, for example, i thinki need to lose some fat, and i don't care what anyone has to say, i am the only one who actually would know, so i am definitely right. Every time the subject of food comes up they make little demeaning comments about me here and there about how i always have a salad or something. Like, it didn't bother me until very recently when i have become the kid who gets picked on again. All my life i used to get picked on, until i came to college, and finally fit in. I can't have this happen again. Sometimes i just want say fuck u and leave, but i put up with it, hoping that they are just kidding around. I am a very easy going person, and i do give in to peer pressure easily sometimes, but well i'm not anymore. When i decide on something thats it. I can't put up with people making fun of me for shit anymore. I'm not 10, i'm a fucking adult and i can live my own god damned life the way i want to. Whoever thinks that i should change the fact that it doesn't bother me to steal a road sign off the street, or a chair from the school can fuck off. Or whoever thinks that i am a bad person becuase i drink every once in a while or you know what? alot, if i drink 4, 5 even 7 fucking times a week it's my decision and if thats what i choose to do then so be it. I think i do have a strong will even if it doesn't show sometimes, i have never smoked pot, or even a cigarette in my life, and i never will. I haven been told to do so so many times i can't even count yet i never will. So what if i drink occasionally that doesn't make me a bad person. I usually consider myself a very nice guy, i dont make fun of people, i don't do anything mean to anyone, and i have only once in my life even so much as yelled at a girl, who i will add deserved much much more than that, and still people think i am a bad person becasue i drink...to all of you, fuck u, fuck u, and fuck u. I just can't seem to figure out what people don't like about me ... why i don't seem to belong in any particular crowd. All i really want is what everyone else wants, to belong, to be liked .. heh should i even say loved? thats a different story in which i don't want to talk about right now. I am gonna go to bed now, and i hope if there is any one who reads this, they don't get offended or anything by what i wrote..good night Current Mood: annoyed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 1st, 2002
4:39 pm	hey all. Sorry about not writing for a whilem not that it matters but whatever. I've just been really busy .. lots ofshit going on in my life. nothing to bad, and i have been feeling better about some things. which is good. Except for track that is. I think i might be quitting. for good. I'm not sure, but we had a meet on saturday and i did horrible. I haven't done that bad since i competed like sophmore year in HS. My legs constantly hurt now. Not like a sore pain, but a sharp pain in my shins. People insist its shin splints, but i don't know. I guess i will have to accept that for now, but i always thought shin splints are from running. I get them when walk too. Every step i take, i feel it. Maybe i am overreacting. I am just gonna forget about it. But still, i am definitely gonna find a new sport, whether i stick with track for this year or not is another decision, but i need to find somehting else to do next year becuase i can't compete at a college level in the long jump. Nor can in sprints, throws, or distance running. I could in some during high school, but i didn't improve enough to make it this far, to the college level. Maybe i will try raquetball or swimming, or lacrosse or somthing else. who knows. well i've homeowrk to do again, becuase thats all i ever do now. heh, and if i think this semester is hard, i am taking 20 credits next semester ... i'm gonna have 24hours of class a week instead of 18 and no days off plus class at 9 three days a week. maybe that will help with my dirnking tho...that could be good. well whatever. lata Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
2:14 am	i think i've figure out whats wrong with me. Or atleast what i am lacking. Its not the girlfriend i thought it was .. i don't know if i could handle one right now. It definitely not friends and no its not pizza either. I am lacking self confidence. You constantly hear the cliche you can't love others until you love yourself, and i have come to realize how true it is. What i need to do is get myself back in shape and learn to like myself. There are many things about me that i need to change and i am gonna do my best to get those htings changed. Will power is my friend and i need to gather as much as possible. I have not seen myself as what i would like for so many years now i can't even remember when i was happy. I do appreciate all my friends who are nice to me and all those girls who say i'm not ugly and whatever but that only goes so far, becuase if you aren't just being nice, i just don't see what you see. I don't how else to explain it better, but i beleive thats what i am missing. what i need is me. it sounds dumb, i know, but i am pretty sure all the people except for one who read this, didn't know me in high school , and he didn't go to the same high school as me. I was different then and well frankly i was a loser. The fact that anyone who was "cool" was a asshole didn't help either, and i came to hate the way i looked, acted, thought ... basically i hated myself. Things have changed tho, i am not trying to scare anyone .. i dont' hate myself anymore, i have progressed to the point where i don't particularly care what they thought, but still i have a long ways to go yet ... well i am gonna go to bed. good night all Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
12:26 pm	this is to all the people who were disturbed about my entrys the last couple times and my away message last night ... First of all, i'm not mad at anyone, except myself becuase there is noone else to blame for letting it get carried away, actually for letting myself get carried away. You can't always get what you want and sometimes you just have to deal with it and get over it. thats all. For some reason i have not been able to except the fact that it was a fleeting glimpse of somehting nice and not anything more than that. I am gonna try harder becuase i have to. In my messgae last night, when i said it isn't me, i am still sure it isn't, but i have known that since the beginning. I just don't want to accept it. Everytime, i look for things that could be me, thats it, its just me looking for them. I have to stop this dumb charade becuase yet again thats all it is. There are very few people, if any, who know what i am talking about right now, but thats fine becuase there aren't many people who should know. I am being vague for a reason. This is my journal, and this is how i feel, how it is. Also, i am not gonna do anything dumb. There is no need to worry about my sanity, i am the same person i was before. The only reason i wrote stuff like that was becuase when i sit by myself and think about stuff, i get myself depressed. I shoudn't because i have no reason to be. Its not like i have a bad life, i've got great friends, and a great family, and for now thats all i need. I don't know what else that i think i want, and maybe when i place my finger on it, i can try and get it. But for now i should be content for what i've got becuase there are many people i know who have a lot less. Oh yeah, and for anyone at the house, especially my big, i'm not gonna drop. I was mad becuase i was really pressed for time ... of course instead of getting some shit done i wrote in this journal but thats besides the point. Everything worked out fine, and i got to go to practice and get atleast the shit that needed to get done, done. I hope this cleared some stuff up with whoever it is that reads this. I think i am gonna get to work on my homeowrk now. so lata all. ~Justin Current Mood: better Current Music: this damn song i have had in my head forever (Comment on this)