Sanga's Cave

Brutal Legend

2009-12-11T10:49:01Z

Through the woods a girl came sadly.
Something broken in her chest.
She had dared to love another.
Alas, no better than the rest.
Up my path the girl came gladly.
Something opened up my doors.
I longed to stop her bleeding heart.
And so I called her to my shores.
Those you trust will hurt you badly.
Something now I'm sure you see.
So drown your tears in me my dear.
As you drown, my dear, in me.

_sammael_ @ 2009-09-17T01:16:00

2009-09-16T16:03:40Z

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

If i stay busy enough, can I trick myself into being too occupied with the trivial that I fail to open my eyes to the important?
How can I avoid looking inside, when even closing my eyes forces me to see below the surface...
Is there a better alternative than to staple my eyes open?
Is it any better to see the full worlds decay than mourne my own?

If only I could be one of those deaf mutes, saved by stupidity, blissful in their ignorance....

because more often than not I need to be reminded..

2009-06-08T15:44:59Z

Dont read this if you're still feeling flat... I just, Wish I could make you feel as good as you make me feel.
You're the most amazing person I've ever met.
I still cant believe you waited for me when I was being so horrible, and I am so thankful, and so lucky.

I've never fallen so hard and fast for someone. I'm not just saying it because I'm in love with you now, and I havent said this about anyone before, I truly mean it.
You made my heart do backflips when you told me that you liked me, because before that I could never stop thinking about you and didnt even know why. Everything you ever said to me just stuck in my head, and I always just felt so happy to be around you.
I was so scared when I told you I was in love with you. I had almost said it about four times in the last day or two, but pulled back, thinking you didnt feel the same and it'd probably freak you out or you'd say it back just so i didnt feel awkward...

You still make my heart beat like mad when you kiss me slowly, and when we're nose to nose just looking into each others eyes. Your beautiful eyes..
And my heart aches so bad when you're upset with me, or just in a bad mood, like you were tonight, even if there wasnt any reason for it.

Sometimes... If we're just laying with each other, or just sitting on the couch watching TV, or driving somewhere, I remember when we were talking about what we wanted to do two years from now, and you sent me a message saying that you could see us living in an apartment or small house together, just renting, but just us, and I wonder if you ever think about it still, or hope for it. I really hope you do. >_<

You're so gorgeous, baby, so beautiful. I wish you could see it, even just a little, even just understand how I see it. Everything about you. Your face is amazing, I've never seen anyone look even close to what you look like, in a world where most people look the same now days :/
Dont even begin to think its a bad thing, its fantastic, you always look so good, even when you've just woken up, or when you get home from work, or anything. You're just... I've said all of this already. I can just never find the right words!

I'm sorry if it makes you feel awkward when I thank you for things, but I truly am just thankful. I feel so lucky to be around you. No ones ever just bought me something for no reason or taken me out or anything. Even if its no big deal for you, it is for me, I feel bad not even tryiong to pay for myself anymore, but I know you wont take it anyway >_< lol.

I have so much more to say, I just... cant write it down for some reason... This was probably silly anyway...
But I do love you. More than I know how to express. Just saying 'I love you' feels like a huge uderstatement. You mean the world to me and more. Never ever think otherwise, or think that I'll just get bored of you and throw you away, because its just ludicrous that it even crosses your mind.

As always Stabbing Westward is the soundtrack to my life

2009-01-28T11:50:35Z

"I believed in nothing
But you believe in me
I thought that life was worthless
But you told me I'm a star"

awkward sex is awkward :-/

Ninja'd

2008-12-27T16:14:49Z

1. What did you do in 2008 that you've never done before?
Lol... honestly, not a hell of a lot. This year is basically me trying to get my head straight.... so, err, I tried 'shrooms?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make one, didnt keep it, wont make one, wont keep it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can remember, and if I've forgotten someone who has, they obviously arnt that close

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
none this yeat.... will be in Feb though

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A happy ending

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
5th of march the world came crumbling down. I'll forget this one day though

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably work related...

9. What was your biggest failure?
5th of march

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pretty lucky this year, probably nothing more that pulling my left hamstring a couple of times

11. What was the best thing you bought?
new tv for mum

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
honestly, probably Brittnee's :-/

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?
eh, who cares anymore

14. Where did most of your money go?
Impulse shopping probably... doh!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
lol, anything by Katy Perry probably, she kissed a girl and I liked it

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- i. happier or sadder? probably sadder. everything seemed fantastic this time last year
- ii. thinner or fatter? same, or slighlty thinner
- iii. richer or poorer? poorer, slightly haha. damn airfares!!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise... although not at the time. Sleep?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stupid internets.... oh works a pain too, whats a day off again?

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
at home with most of my family

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Elle. pretty easy that one

21. What LJ users did you meet for the first time?
err...?

22. How many one-night stands?
daddy... whats a "one night stand" :-(

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I dont watch enough tv to say anything... just DVDs lol

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I dont think i can honestly say i hate anyone, even people who were close but now aren't

26. What was the best book you read?
I've read a couple of books this year, but none have really grabbed me as all that great... probably Battle Royale

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Loads of differenet songs, no particular artist or style though

28. What did you want and get?
there wasnt much i wanted, so...?

29. What did you want and not get?
heh...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Dark Knight... simply cause I love the joker

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I think I had lunch with renee actually :-S
and 22

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Forseeing the future :) <---I'll stick with that answer

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
jean shorts and a T-shirt. edgy i know.

34. What kept you sane?
who said I'm sane? they're a damn liar I tell you!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no one springs to mind

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
-Mandatory internet censorship - cause remember, if you're against it, you're a paedophile!!!
yeah... nice one. Maybe I'm just against my already slow netspeed being cut in half and an ineffective technology "accidentally" blocking up to 12% of websites.
-No R18+ rating on games... cause I mean cummon guys, seriously. The age of the average gamer in Aus is 27 for fucks sake.

37. Who did you miss?
Even though I still see him once a week, Dad.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
as in met, or got to know? Cause brand new people are rare, but people I knew of, but didnt know, not so much

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
HTFU

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I believe I can see the future, Cause I repeat the same routine

2008-12-16T19:17:59Z

I havent done one of these in ages.. I guess I havent needed too as much, but it's probably because I'm lazy. it's 5 am and I've just woken up after1 hour of full sleep and a couple of hours tossing and turning.
I think i've had one full nights sleep in the past week, everything else has been at least half what it should be. It's probably catching up with me...

We met dad's new girlfriend yesterday. She seems nice and they seem to get along well... I dont know, I guess the thing that got to me the most was when he called her dear. "what would you like to drink dear" "do you want some soda water dear" and whatever else. Honestly, I was tired and worn out and dosed off once during the movie, but every time he said "dear" it was like a cold slap that woke me up.

Its not that I like or dont like Nicola (the gf) it's just going to take some time getting used to dad saying that to anyone but mum. Childish I know.

Not that i really have any right to comment on other people relationships. Nothing is happening between me and Erin, and thats the way it should stay. Once again boyfriend issues. I dont think either of us are interested in each other enough for her to risk or end that. Thats not to say in a diffferent time, in a differnt place, maybe. But certainly not now or in the short term. Friends is cool for now, for us. So it looks like no romantic affection shall be coming my way any time soon... Probably a good thing as they'd get bored sooner or later.

Brit was never really in the picture, but I was talking to her on the phone the ther day and she was saying how Karla (older sister - married to Ben my boss) seeems to have it in her head that we'd be the perfect couple and would get marrried and live happily ever after. I think my jaw hit bed-rock after that comment, cause it came out of the blue. Becasue of ages for one thing I dont think anything would happen, and I'm almost certain that it would end differently than karla thinks. (and going based on past experiences, I would be the one in the corner in pieces)

Brittnee's been fired from tunza now anyway, for not being able to get someone to cover her shift when she went to queensland with most of her family for the first anniversery of her brothers death (13/12/09). Personally i think that firing her for that is harsh, just because of the circumstances around it.
Then again, from all reports Paul is a fuckwit as a manager... Ooops, but that doesnt matter since he has the respect and admiration of the staff... oh, wait
But the store is doing so well? ...oh, for two...
Happy place to work? .... *thumbs down*

Not that that effects me. Brit leaving does though, even if she did work at another store. Scratch Gab, Greg, Renee and Brit and there go all the staff that i was ever close to. joe doesnt count, and compared to those 4, neither does Erin.

The Jones Girls are back though, which is cool - however other than bumping into them randomly I'm not sure how much of them I'll see. Well other than cresta at home seeing as that soap opera has found enough eupport for a fifth season it seems. It's nice knowing Carly is back in town though - Coral too, except I've already gotten used to her being around I guess.

Calls to and from Elle are slowing, but still regular-ish. She talks a fair bit abot growing and evolving her mind so that she can deal with the issues and problems she has in a more "evolved" way. I seriously think that she's just read too many self help books... She's not "with" Ben anymore, but they still live together. I cant see it ending well. I predict another melt down... Then a couple of days later sweeping it under the carpet to start the dance again. Maybe I'm under-estimating her... Proffessionally she seems to be doing well, and even has an interview on cliniquetv.com (or something similar to that - shes the consultant interview'd) as well as doing make up for models, tv presenters and pop stars, so good on her. I'll be seeing her in Feb on the Sydney leg of my holiday - which I'm counting the days till.... 56 days till bali I think.

I'm tempted to throw in the whole work training thing, I rarely do it, even rarer do i put the effort in... I dont think I want to try, incase I do try and then fail... Like the last time that I really tried and put everything into something... am I scared of another failure. Or is it that I honestly just dont care...?

christmas is basically a week away... so little christmas cheer this year. ho ho fucking ho

heh, I'm such a complainer...

_sammael_ @ 2008-12-12T21:58:00

2008-12-12T11:30:17Z

Daniel is a good student and a pleasure to teach. He works quietly and enjoys working on his own, however....

HE NEEDS TO LEARN FROM HIS PAST MISTAKES!!!!

from a friend of a friend...

2008-09-05T11:15:36Z

"I thought that love as basing your whole existence around someone. That couldnt be further from the truth.
Love is sharing your life with someone and letting them share theirs with you. It's combining two entities to create one, but also remaining distinctly seperate. It's about compromise, whilst remaining uncompromising.
It's abou treasuring every single moment you spend together, but also being thankful for your time apart.
It's about trying to accept yourself with all your flaws and accepting the other person not only in-spite of their faults but because of them.
It involves nearly every emotion we have a name for - good and bad.
Love is about friendship.
Friendship is about love."

_sammael_ @ 2008-08-23T00:28:00

2008-08-22T15:07:19Z

Dark vertigo, not even the wind dares to whistle sweet nothings in my ears. Have I fallen into a shadow of my own creation, swapping my circular path for a still fall? Am I doomed to repeat events eternally, or plummet into the shadows of my mind? It would be easy to imagine that a simple candle could be the key to this prison – sadly there was a wick to light and no Moon sailed in these skies tonight.

My mind plays tricks, conjuring pale shapes to amuse it’s self in the gloom, pale specter’s back to haunt me again. Familiar faces whisper familiar words but I do not know them. As I sink deeper into this pit, only the mists of their breath blow against my face. If only the sound of truth could be heard, that alone would have given me some warmth. Instead they only bring tepid tears, leaking from a rusty tap.

Love? Nay Lies…

My eyes flood, the banks are breached and the illusion splinters back to vapor. It fades with a smile on its lips… “I felt nothing”. Please end this fall sharply and quick, let me finally shatter this brittle shell. I cannot fall forever, dragged down by recollections of past pain. End it now, no one will miss me. Let me start again. Let me drive the Harpies away and banish their forked tongues from my ears. Low though I am, one day I have to believe one day I will fly.

I have to believe it.

I must believe it.

Let hope be my candle and grant me the flint to light it. I give my life of shadows for one more day soaring in the sun. I will paint a new world on a fresh canvas and charcoal shall not be my brush.

"...The life I try to give is
all I have inside of me
it's one kind of life for me
this music you hear
the strength we have inside is
so much more than you will know
but if you can't see the life around
you'll always walk alone..."

_sammael_ @ 2008-08-17T23:28:00

2008-08-17T14:36:02Z

"No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more..."

I feel like I'm trapped in a circle, tracing my fingers along the walls as I continue walking. I've been here before, I've walked these steps and traced my hands over this place before. Should I keep going, continue the journey knowing that at some point I shall return again to this spot? Should I stop now and end this myopic journey, accept that this place is the same as the others and submit to the forlorn thoughts that race through my head with wild abandon - a stark contrast to the circle I walk.

Do i dare look up, hoping to see the sky above, but fearing to see the faces that haunt me. If I had wings could I fly? Into the murky blackness, find some way out of this circle, so I dont come back to this point again - let me learn that lesson if nothing else, dont let them trick me again. Let me remember. Let me remember the hole that opened up inside, the blackness and the pain and the lies. Let it cleanse me and harden me.

Instead I look down. It's safer to look at what you know. You cannot be dissapointed by that, you can pretend not to notice what happens around you. Pretend it didnt happen - that none of it happened. Is that what this is? A circle of ignorance? A clue? Is that the way out? Do I need to look up, do I need to notice the faint light and actually see around me? Do I dare risk it?

Is this another trick?

Am I strong enough?

I stop, fingers halting their winding path, and fall to my knees and lean into the wall. Voices whispering sweet nothingness trickle from the shadows. I've heard these before. Should I follow the sirens call? Let them play me for a fool? Have I learnt nothing? Yes. Let me find that hole that opened up inside, the source of blackness, pain and lies. I close my eyes, please let me fall. As long as I fall, and dont hit the ground, as long as I fall I'm safe...

As long as I fall...

Oh my God please tell me how to break free...

Til jord skal vi bli

2008-08-05T05:10:28Z

"I rest in the runis of days gone by... Of Young Affection and velvet sky..."

It would have been 1 year today.

My violent mood swings peak
And my hands are as heavy as rocks
I have no time and no space
I am falling behind
Just take me home

My patience has all run out
And I feel like yelling; - it is too much
I have abandoned all charm and all grace
I have fallen behind
There is no god

The night is cursed
Loud and blurred
Still it rains
It rains like hell

Rain on empty shells

My violent mood swings peak
And my hands are as heavy as rocks
I have no time and no space
I have fallen behind
There is no god

Screaming voices
Ring in my ears
I don't want to know their names

Earthbound

2008-08-04T14:04:50Z

The sorrow of my soul, earthbound and cold
The tide will never turn
I've been dead for years, drowned in all my tears
Have you forsaken me?

Frequent days of loss, crawling to the cross
The silence screams so loud
Conquered by the sun, my fate is done
I'm pulling down the shroud

Blazing through my eyes, your tender disguise
So far our of reach
A life of dismay turns into grey
Will you abandon me?

Here in the light it's pitch black night
A fever on the rise
Dying from within and reborn into sin
I'm tearing up the sky

Feel the world inside;
The ghost of me calling you
Feel the world inside;
The ghost of me haunting you

This sentient cage,
Cutting through time with a blunt smile
Would you help me slit my wrists?
See me cry, help me... Die!

So frail the veil of life-so beautiful the face of death
Suddenly reveries bloom into night's heavy drenching

And life leaves you cold, weary and old...
It's hard just to breathe
You know me so well, I'm going through hell
Won't you please, follow me?

Feel the world inside;
The ghost of me calling you
Feel the world inside;
The ghost of me haunting you

You cracked the ice, and I wept
You covered the sun, and I slept
You whispered the truth, and I smiled
You kissed my soul, and I died

quizzzzzzzzzz

2008-07-05T15:53:19Z

[1] How did you and your number 3 become friends?
genetics really... poor thing never had a choice!

[2] How late did you stay up last night and why?
hmm... I think it was 2:30am, but i'm not really too sure

[3] What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
Griffy? (Elle) I've known her off and on for the last 5 years now.

[4] Have you ever kissed someone that started with a B?
lol... no-one I've kissed has had a name that started with "B"
Although I've definitely kissed a "B"itch

[5] Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
no - they always run away well before that

[6] Have you ever flirted with a friends crush?
haha.... going back a while, but maybe? :-p

[7] Last time you ate?
couple of hours ago

[8] Ever ordered from an infomercial?
no way

[9] Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope

[10] Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
can't remember the last girl I spoke to :-S wait that sounds really bad

[11] Do you hate the last boy you were talking to on the phone?
think that was joe this afternoon, so that'd be "sometimes"

[12] When is the last time you took a nap?
probably the last time I went to see a movie

[13] Who was the last person you talked to on the phone with for 1 hour plus?
Griff - last friday night. I got crap all sleep

[14] To send you a myspace message?
doesnt happen often, so I'll have to check... Brittnee

[15] To send you a friend request?
probably some porn scam

[16] What was on your mind mostly today?
mum's birthday

[17] Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
mine?

[18] Ever kissed anyone 18 or older?
nup

[20] Do you miss anyone?
yes

[21] What does your 8th text message say and who was it from?
brit - you too

[22] Have you held hands with anyone today?
No

[22] Do you regret anything?
My one regret in life is that I'm not someon else
-Woody Allen

[23] What are you excited about?
at this point in time...?

[24] Plans for tonight?
prob head to bed soon, have work again tomorrow

[27] What are you doing tomorrow?
work...

[28] Do you like to hug?
yeah... i miss hugs

[29] Where does your number one person on your friends live?
10min up the road

[30] What are your plans for the weekend?
work... mums birthday...?

[31] Whats your hair look like today?
meh?

[32] Did you ever lose a friend?
I've moved a few times and never sta'd in contct with people, but i was just a kid

[34] What is the background on your phone?
QLD beach

[35] What was the last thing you had to drink?
up-n-go

[36] What was the last thing you ate?
errr... bbq

[37] Ever go camping?
used to when we lived in Canberra

39] Are you someone's best friend?
hopefully?

[40] Do you have a dog?
I wish

[41] Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
myself

_sammael_ @ 2008-07-04T22:49:00

2008-07-04T13:36:06Z

it shouldnt still hurt like this after so long.
why wont the wounds heal
why wont the memories fade
why can't the ashes of this fire scatter in the wind

I'm too tired to keep fighting this
tired of containing the screaming to the inside of my head
tired of rebuilting the failing dams of my eyes
tired of holding firm to hide the shake of my voice

Her face
flashing in the crowd, elusive
out of the corner of my eye I watch
searching for the spectre
when it is really me, the ghost.

how has it come to this?
Reduced to a ghost
Cursed to haunt my failed dreams
Pathetic

great way to spend a saturday night....

2008-05-31T16:25:30Z

So where really to start?

Since my last batch of emotional vomit I turned 22. That was just over 2 weeks ago now. For a variety of reasons this year I didnt feel like celebrating. I would have loved nothing more than to have just slept right through it. I know mum got excited over it so for that alone it was probably worth it. She'd planned on taking me out for tea to some place (I forget the name) she likes and michael came along too. We saw Belinda there - which was surprising because I didnt know she worked there. She smiled and said hello which was nice of her and I think I mumbled hi back but that was about it. After I stopped by Dad's quickly to say hi. I think he was on the computer at the time, and glancing at the tabs it looked like he was on adlut match maker, which was sorta amusing for me. I'm sure a couple of other things happened that day, but nothing really stands out in my memory now.

It never really hit me that I was actually going to QLD. Probably because it was planned at such short notice, I dont really know. I think it started to hit me when I got a call from Carly asking if I could pick up a stockpile of moo for her - since they dont have any moo joints over in qld. I got the yoghurt on the Friday and the flight was on the sunday at 8:30 (or 9:30... probably 9:30, but be there at 8:30... yeah thats it) or so in the morning, which wasnt much worse than getting up for work. I left with a jumper on but halfway through the flight I took it off cause it'd started to arm up. It stayed warmed up the entire trip!

Coral and her parents picked me up from the airport and we drove back to their place. We stopped off at the restaurant/Bar place where Mrs. Jones, Carly and Cresta work to say hi. lol, that "hi" ended up lasting a while as Mrs. Jones had to help out in the Kitchen as they were busy and the manager (at the time) had decided she was sick and had gone home - just as the customers rocked up. It's a nice place and it's not finished just yet as they're still building the club area (that I was told they're going to get strippers on certain nights for). The food looked pretty good too, but I only had a slice of white chocolate and something cheesecake made by Carly. I ate it fairly slowly as 1. I dont like cheesecake heaps and 2. I wouldnt put it past carly to try to poison me (kidding! I swear!) but it was actually really nice. After things had calmed down Carly, Lloyd (Carly's new boyfriend whom I'd been told about in Adelaide but hadn't met or spoken to before - seems like a nice funny guy...and he can cook - so BONUS!). Then we went back to their place.  A two story, 4 massive bedroom'd house on a 7 acre plot, slap bang half way between the gold coast and brisvegas, quiet and out of the way, but still only two minutes from the highway... pretty much the perfect location. Only real problem is that it's a dead-zone for mobile phone reception. One message of shit's took three hours to reach me :-0

Coral was keen to take me horse riding so she could have someone to go with her and thats how I met ollie - this massive half clidesdale (spelt that wrong fo sho') horse. He's a gentle giant really and he and I had a great time - or at least I did, he probably hated lugging my fat arse around the place. didnt complain though! :-) got a message from brit asking how stuff was so I sent a pic of ollie back to rub it in. :-D

After the ride it was dinner time. I forget how little real home cooking I eat. Either i'm out or it's not really worth mum spending all the effort on two peoples dinner. Anyway, long story short the grub was good! I cant remember what it was now, but I know it was tastey! :-) When peoples finished work and got home Carly explained her plans for the next couple of days as she'd managed to get the next three days off.

Monday (the first full day there) I woke up to knocking at the bedroom door and Carly saying breakfast was ready - she'd gone and cooked up bacon and eggs for brekkie (with bread from her new bread maker - which was pretty good even if she did forget some of the ingrediants) we went driving up through the hills and mountains up to a small town with the one main street and all those awesome little shops and cafe's that country towns have. The drive up was great with all green everywhere... actual green! I'm not sure how coral handled the drive in the cramped backseat, but up front was ace :-p well, other than the RnB - but you get used to that (and there were actually a few songs I liked. One of which I can't find on Limewire (or is that Spywire!!) and it's bugging me. We went on this walk through one of the rainforest areas up there. It was pretty cool up there but the walk kept us warm. The tree's were all massive and weird. One of them we called the penis tree simply because it's roots grew out of it's trunk off the ground and looked like penii. Got some good photo's which are up on myspace now. After we went to this glo-worm cave. This started off looking like it was going to be balls! The "cave" turned out to be this bigman made turd looking thing, where they played a dvd about glo-worms. It was only after this that we went to the glo-worm part of the turd and that bit was actually pretty cool and the guide was pretty interesting. Some of the others in the group were fairly pushy and tried shoving past Coral and Carly. After we went for a short drive to a pub that Carly had wanted to try out for lunch - only to find it was closed - so we double'd back to town and stopped off at one of the places there for some light food. best scones ever. On the way back from that we stopped off at a shopping center and the sisters both bought the same outfit, lol. I picked up a decent pair of sunnies so I was happy. I should have bought another jumper or a pair of long pants cause I only brought one jumper with me and no long pants - or course at this point I didnt know that I'd need them. Came home after that and lazed around the house for a bit. Carly went to lie in the sun. Cant remember what coral did... but I continued to read a book i'd started earlier. (and it was the last time I touched that book because it's SHIIIIIT!) Went horse riding after again too.    lol, I probably spent most of the night on msn - cause Carly and Lloyd were watching Underworld 2 I think.

Tuesday Dale arrived from adelaide as well. He was bunking in the room with me. Carly went to collect him early then came back to pick me n coz up on the way to the beach. It turn'd out it was the same becasue coz had taken a photo of a week or two back that she'd sent to me while it was raining in adlaide, you know, just to rub it in. :-p Dingle beach was just over the boarder into NSW, so it was an hour or so drive. The beach it's self was really good, quiet - but it seemed that coral had managed to get the only palm-tree near the beach into her pic as there wasnt nearly as many as I'd expected. Weather was perfect and there were even a couple of people scattered over the place sunbathing topless, not that I looked too hard or too close! no, really, I swear! We went for a walk up to a nearby lookout after and got some nice pics looking back to the goldcoast. I think we came back after that and had a quiet rest of the day. Carly got a call about a job trial at some store so she was un-available for anything wednesday, so the plans for tuesday were cancelled - but we went to see a movie in the evening "made of honor" and I'll be honest, it wasnt that bad.... even the crap about the Scots in it. Cant really complain about it either as we only had to pay $6.90 or so. After we got back I got a message from Kirstie telling me to stop renee sending her angry e-mails. then another saying are we friends. I didnt really know what to say to the "are we friends" question... We dont hang out, we rarely talk - and thats the way it has to be at the momment. Do I still deeply care for her, of course and I doubt that will ever change. But are we friends if we dont interact much? I hope so...   I really upset brittnee by leaving msn so suddenly - whihc I didnt mean to do :-(

Lol, Dale woke me during the night moaning in his sleep. The next night he was talking aswell - but I couldnt remember exactly what he'd said by morning, which was a shame but i think it was just gibberish

Wednesday turned out to be a lazy day. I *think* it was just me n coral hanging around the house... but I can't really remember... lol. I know we went horse riding again at some point, but I probably spent a fair bit of it watching tv or on the computer. Same for thursday - except on thursday Coral took me trail riding on Ollie instead of just up and down the roadside. She haddn't been down that trail so it was interesting trying to find our way around. Don (her horse) got skittish and started playing up at one point and she had to walk him for a little while before jumping back on. horse whisperer for the win!

Friday another guy from adelaide came over, tim whose also a friend of dale. I'd probably met both dale and tim before this trip, but I couldnt remember Tim. Anyway he was a cool guy whose really easy to get along with. He stole the bed I'd been in and I got shifted to Carly's room. Carly, sadly (j/k), got shifted to one of the giant couches. It was a pretty slow day again for the most part, not that I minded cause that's pretty much my ideal holiday! At night we went into town to a club called "the bedroom". Corals choice, I'm not sure how she's heard of it but apparently Paris Hilton went there at some point so I was kinda worried we'd all walk away with Hep C or something just by going into the place.  Both the Girls looked stunning.  I think we got in around 10ish and it was still pretty quiet, but we pretty much stayed there all night drinking jaeger bombs and something called a Jabrolta bomb (which was pretty good). Carly left around 11:30 cause she'd worked and wasnt drinking (plus I dont think Llyod wanted her out...) Coral, Dale, Tim and I stayed though till 3ish? Just after Carly left Coral needed a bit of air and asked for some company, so we walked around the street a little. Coral actually surprised me, I've seen her go pretty nuts off of a cruiser or two, but tonight she wasn't too nuts and she'd had a fair bit more than that (6-7 in the first couple of hours). She stopped drinking after that as the heat, crowd and alchol were getting to her a bit, but the walk cooled her down and she was good to go. It was the first time I'd drunk anything in ages, and the first time in much much longer that I'd drunk that much - probably since Canberra when Erica and Lynn took me out! We got a taxi back to the Jones place. According to mrs. Jones we got in at 3, but we didnt stop making noise till 4:30 *gulp* I know for a fact I couldnt stop laughing.

Sat was a quiet day for me while I recovered, not a hangover or anything, just queesey. Dale and Tim went to water world, carly and Lloyd went somewhere else. Coral and I stayed back and I spent a lot of the day watching south-park and drawn together - which I personally think is the best american cartoon out! That night Cresta took us out for tea at a place called the lost city. SHe stayed for tea then left as we were going to hang around the club area of it. That worked till around 9:45 when one of the security guys kicked me out for wearing shorts. That pissed tim off as they werent busy and had just lost 3 customers. I was happy to let it go, but he wandered back in with his pants rolled up to piss them off. We then left and walked across to a bottle-o. there we were told we couldnt be served cause we'd been barred from the club (as the bottle-o was owned by the same company). We thought he was joking but he wasnt and security came to move us on - not that we needed it. We then spent the next hour trying to get in contact with Cresta or Coral but couldnt. We didnt know any taxi numbers so in the end we started walking following the GPS on my phone. that worked till my phone ran out of battery, so we got a cab number off of a petrol station guy and rode the rest of the way. getting in around 2 i think. The last day the three of us guys went with mr and mrs jones to a couple of beachs.

had to be back by a certain time though so I could catch the train to the airport, So said my good-byes and got on the train. Was sad to leave as It's really great up there, and I dont know when I'll see carly or coral again - especially since corals been such a great friend. I really hope things work out well for her becuase she deserves better than whats happened...

lol, it's probably easier to find a better, easier job with higher pay up there... hhmmmm.... tempting...

then back to adelaide...sunday night wasnt too bad, but monday was shit. as soon as I got back to work i just flipped 180 and hated everything and sad. I got home and drank 7-8 beers for no reason. It's the most drunk I've ever felt. I sent a couple of txt messages I regret and Brittnee had to put up with the rest over msn. She's been a good friend over the past couple of months and she didnt deserve to have to put up with drunk emo dan. :-( what was worse was work tuesday morning.... I got joe to come in early and I took mum to the airport for her flight to canberra. I barely spoke all the way there and mum and joe were worried. the fact that even joe noticed, or said sometihng, must have meant it was plain fucking obvious.

I got home and just sat at the comp downloading music. I spoke to kirstie a little and surprisingly that cheered me up a little. Then Griffy (Sorry, Elle)came online in the first time in ages and we chatted a bit too which was great. She sent me an old msn convo from years ago that we'd had and it cracked me up. I dont know how much snese it'd make to anyone other than us, but it brought a fat cheesey smile to my face. Brittnee was on again too so I apologised for the night before. The two of them managed to cheer me up and for some reason paid me a fair few compliments along the way which I'd normally just ignore or laugh at...

and thats as up to date as I can be bothered typing about just now.

what happens when other people get into your head - or a poem by Brittnee

2008-05-14T01:31:36Z

And when the day is done and the sky is turning grey

I’ll think of you in my mind every single day

All the times we spent together, all the special memories we shared

I thought our love would last forever, I thought it would last till then

But it finished much sooner than I expected, why did it have to end

All I wanted to say was “I love you and want to stay with you until the end”

I wanted to share more secrets and I wanted no more lies

I wanted to feel close to you, you made me feel alive

So when it was time to leave me

And you felt it was time to say goodbye

You kissed me on the hand and said it would be alright

You told me that you loved me, and I said the same to you

Is my love not enough for what you need, is it not enough to you

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy with me

And all I ever wanted was for this to be more than a dream.

It’s all I ever wanted.

Colin Hay - I just dont think I'll ever get over you

2008-05-09T15:04:50Z

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived 'til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If ever there was beauty in simplicity, then this song is it's brightest creation.

sigh

2008-05-05T14:48:59Z

I'm glad that it took till 8 pm tonight for me to realise the date today.

Since then all the good things that have happened over the last 8 months just flew through me head. I know it's over now and I know there is no going back, but I thought we had some good times. some damn good times that I will always remember, and some very very special moments that I'll cherish forever.

For these things I thank her, from the bottom of my heart. I was blessed to spend as much time as I did with her.

may I be lucky enough to find someone else as special - or is that asking for too much?

_sammael_ @ 2008-05-03T00:40:00

2008-05-02T15:15:06Z

probably a stupid place to ask this question casue by this stage I'm probably on ignore (or at least probably should be with the crap I write...) but anyway -

IS ME WITH MY HAIR DOWN THAT BAD?

I ask this becasue when I went to work yesterday Paul and Ben both Joked about me going for the "death Metal" look (I personally thought I didnt have enough spikes and/or corpse paint for that look. Then later that night Bec (ok, so she's not the brightest lightbulb in the cuppord...) accused me of going for the "Backstreet Boy's" look... and Brittnee agree'd.

I will admit that Erin did complement me on it - but this is the girl whose gone through more colours in her hair than most rainbows - so I'm not entirely sure of her judgement regarding hair. PLus I heard at one stage she liked me (which probably isn't true to begin with...)

_sammael_ @ 2008-04-30T22:11:00

2008-04-30T12:45:09Z

I know you've grown to hate me even more than you have grown to hate yourself
But has it really made a difference? Sharing all that hate with someone else?

(Chorus)
Please tell me are you really happy? Do you think he's really worth the pain?
Tell me Are you really happy? Or did you simply throw our life away
Just to be unhappy?

Does he worship and adore you? does he make you feel so beautifully complete?
Is your life so much better now? Or do the same old demons haunt just me?

Please tell me are you really happy? Do you think he's really worth the pain?
Tell me Are you really happy? Or did you simply throw our life away
Just to be unhappy?

Is he everything you've dreamed of? I'd imagine he is so much more than me
I tried to make you happy but I believe you thrive on misery

Please tell me are you really happy? Do you think he's really worth the pain?
Tell me Are you really happy? Or did you simply throw our life away
Just to be unhappy?

last remorseful (wrong spelling there) post I swear. the forest seems to be clearing, and the trees thinning out.

blah

2008-04-26T17:36:17Z

Personality Strengths of the Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.

Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy

Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression

Of all the personality types, the Melancholy probably struggles the most with a low self image because they have set such high standards for themselves and others.

If I turn a task over to a Melancholy it will be completed neatly and as close to perfect as possible. They make the best proof readers, the best typists and the best bean counters.

Words count with a Melancholy. Every word that comes their way will be replayed in their mind and analyzed for meaning. Their feelings are easily hurt. They have to work hard to keep from falling into a spirit of offense. It helps the Melancholy to stop and ask "did they mean to hurt my feelings?" or "could I be reading too much into what they said?" It also helps to simply echo back comments that are potentially hurtful and make sure that you haven't interpreted them wrong.

Those who have Melocholy people close to them should drop generalizations from their vocabulary. Words like "always" and "never" will not be appreciated. If at all possible, drop the volume of your voice and keep your tone friendly. If you are in a bad mood, take care that you do not drip your negativity on them, they will take it personal and be wondering all day what they did wrong.

A Melancholy can become easily isolated. It's a good thing to keep in touch and give them a lot of positive feedback and personal affirmation.

Melancholy's think all the time. When they get quiet, watch out... Don't be afraid to ask them if everything is alright. They may not tell you what is really wrong, but be persistent. If you get the feeling that they have been offended by something that you said, just say so. "Did I hurt you when I said..."

Phlegmatic and Sanguine people do not usually have too many problems getting along with the Melancholy. But the Choleric can be a bit rough on them, so they will have to try to tone it down and develop their sensitivity.

The Melancholy is usually an amazing exorter. When they do give you complements, they mean it. They are merciful and sensitive to others, making great confidants and counselors.

Who is the most famous Melancholy in the cartoon world? That's easy! It's Eeyore! (Winnie the Poo's slow taking, self deprecating friend!)

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/melancholy_strengths.php (especially the last one on friends... :-( )

I tried to get started on the management course work today by doing the reading. So Of course I got distracted by a section on personality types. Through reading that and then later looking it up on the net it seems that I'm a mix between the two introverted personality types - but basically Melancholy minus the perfection bullshit cause lol it's me and neat isn't really in my vocabulary. Sadly either I didnt look hard enough or there isn't a decent website that sets out in paragraphs what it is (or at least not without mentioning "god" a lot). It was all bullet points and shit - except a couple of christian ones that explained I'd be a great prayer buddy... which I'm sure I would except I simply can't force my head into that direction. The whole analytical thing kinda puts me at odds with it.

I'm pretty sure I've wrecked all chance of friendship with kirstie at this point, I came to that conclusion about the same time she told me to "harden the fuck up". So for now I won't say anything more on the matter, or about her, except to say that since that comment I've been doing everything I can not to think about her and keep my mind on other things and for the momment, at this early stage, it seems to be working.

I still feel like utter shit though.

Today was the day that Coral and Cresta went back to Queensland. I think Coral and Jack have come to some sort of understanding as she seemed more positive on the issue today. I picked them up at 12 and went back to the cenna for a while as I needed to help out at tunza for a half hour as we were short staffed cause of a party. I bought them both a going away present (coral a book, cresta a DS game and carly some chocolates) and then we drove down to the airport. The weather was fairly average all day, but it wasn't too bad when we got there, just cooler than it had been in a while but that's autum I guess. They checked in and we all wandered around the airport and got something to eat while we waited for their flight to start boarding. I can't really say I was thrilled about them both leaving as I've spent a fair bit of time with them over the last week and a bit, but it didn't really strike me how much I'd miss them till I saw them walking down the sloped walkway to their flight and out of sight. I'll admit I became very glassy eye'd on the walk back to the car... It just feels like I'm alone now. I'm not sure if Coral realised how much spending time with her has helped over the past 2 weeks, even when I was just listening to her problems - or maybe especially when I was listening to her problems.... because it gave me something else to focus on. Even Cresta, who I'll admit I wasn't thrilled that she came down to begin with, was good company. I'd probably get along with her much better if it wasn't for all the water under the bridge with Joe. hmmmm.... what to do. what to do.

It was just good to have a sounding board, someone who hadn't been here when everything was happening, who didn't know the people involved... I think that's why I've been pulling back from people here. Because they knew her, they knew me and they knew "us". I can't talk to people who know us both because I will not put them any more in the middle than they already are. I don't care if they don't mind if I do, or that they want me to get it out. The simple matter is that I wont, or can't. That's why the outside perspective was good, because I felt more free to actually talk and be honest - or at least moreso. Now it just feels like there's no-one to talk to.

life just feels like I'm stuck in a massive rut. I think thats why I picked up the management training stuff in the first place - to get started on something... to show that I am doing something, that not everything has stopped. That and it's something to keep my mind occupied, with stuff that is interesting. I'm not 100% sure exactly what I'm doing with it - but if I do the questions I can't be doing it wrong? lol, actually this is me - so I'll probably find some way to fuck it up. That's the thing that's probably got me the most, the fact that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to love. and before anyone says otherwise - the simple fact is, I wasn't. end of story, full stop.

When all my demons set their sails
and my mind is riding the last train
Down a one-way track to the final station
Destination Devastation

A thousand demons at my door
screaming at my crumbling walls
My river's bleeding, my fields are burning
My world has stopped turning

I will be your lithium
and I'll be your lover

Give me something for my mind
something for the pain inside
A remedy, a cure for life
An elixir for this manica of mine

Give me what I'm deep in need of
a sanctuary beyond this cruel world
A peerless cure-all to recover
Like lithium and a lover

something something something... darkside

2008-04-20T08:20:23Z

Had lunch and hung out with Coral today, which was pretty good. Of course the downside is that Cresta is back in town, and already trying to worm her way back into Joe's life.... *sigh* even Renee at one stage was like "joe can do better"

Anyway, rocked up at tunza to meet coral and saw shot and kirstie walking along chatting. Dont think they saw me and I didn't walk over. It kinda threw me a little bit. Even when I dont talk to her I dont know how to act around her. At least it didn't feel like the world was collapsing... It just reminded me how desperately I want to still be in her life - even if I'm only ever going to be her friend... Maybe I'm being foolish... and maybe it'll only end with me being hurt. But If she doesn't want to be friends fine. Last week it seemed like we wouldnt - like I'd be the fill in if nothing else happened. I will not be her last minute plan. If I ask her if she wants to catch up and she says yes and I say *insert day here* and she then replies "I dont know - I'll have to see what I'm doing" then thats it. I will not try again. SHe knows what she's doing and I'll not wait on tenderhooks for her answer - no matter who she is and what I feel for her. I deserve better than that... I have to believe that I'm worth more than to be someone's fill in. Fuck - Even Carly of all people said I deserved better than this and it's pretty public history all of our ups and downs. (speaking of, hope she's doing well back in QLD... keep forgetting to txt and see how she's going...)

anyway, I met Coral in Tunza. By Strange Coincidednce Coral was also dumped - by txt - during the week. Her (ex)boyfriend is an elite cyclist who is going off to the Olympics this year. She was thinking of moving back to adelaide for him, but due to his training and tournaments overseas it turns out he's in adelaide about as much as she is, so they figured she'd stay in QLD till things got settled. Anyway, during the week he dumped her by sms saying pretty much that it's the wrong time for him right now. Since then we've kept in pretty regular contact checking up on each other to make sure we're ok since we're both basically going through the same thing. So we went for lunch at Fasta pasta salisbury and just talked about all things and surprisingly occasionally even got a laugh out of each other.

Coral's still thinking about moving back to Adelaide, even Without Jack (ex-bf) and her family staying in QLD and mentioned the idea to me about us (and possibly shot or some other friend or two) renting out a 3-4 bedroomed place, depending on rent. Turns out she's really missing her friends here and never really had a problem with adelaide and wasn't too keen on moving in the first place. It's basically the same idea that we've talked about before while she was still here, and I'd always said I was up for it. She'd always been interested but never really had a reason with her family here. lol, of course this is Coral so I'll believe it when I see it (soz coz :-p) but it sounds cool. Plus she's a pretty good cook so A+++ there. Was just cool to chat and catch up.

h we wandered around Salisbury still talking before deciding to see a movie. lol, we ended up driving back to eliz though for cheaper (and cleaner/comfier) seats and saw "the spiderwick chronicles" which I'll admit wasn't the movie I would have chosen but it turned out alright, much better than I thought it'd be based on previews and the recent crop of fantasy movies I've seen - and much better than prom night which was the last movie I saw (thanks shot). After we split for a while as coral had to get the car back to her cousins. Cresta had been hanging around tunza and joe was going to take her back to gawler after he'd finished work (insert glare here) so she could change pick up coral and we were all going bowling.

As it turned out we all suck with a giant, fat great big underline'd "S" . I beat joe once, and he beat me once. Coral beat cresta once, and cresta beat coral once. It was all good fun though - but kinda dis-heartening to see village bowl have some newer ticket games than tunza... I mean seriously, wtf! We then came back home for and hour or two. Joe had some strongbow and cresta and coral drank some cruisers (lol). turns out harry potter + small amount of alchol + coral = drunk, female H-dan :-/ scarey. then i drove everyone home.

and today was work, and seriously the less said the better. I just want a fucking holiday.

The Sleeping Beauty by tiamat

2008-04-18T14:59:06Z

Alone I sit, I wonder why
You dream of love and so do I
But in your sleep you cannot see
This pain which is always haunting me
What I need I'll never feel
This world is for me unreal
So I drink to darkness with a candle lit
And through the whole night alone I sit

The sleeping beauty
She stops the bleeding
She stops the bleeding in my soul
She is fresh air in this stinking world

The more I drink, the more I see
That suicide could be the key
To the place called paradise
Where pain not dwells, not hate nor lies
But if I look beyond all this
I reckon something I would surely miss
Because in my dreams I rule my life
And the sleeping beauty is my wife

The sleeping beauty
She stops the bleeding
She stops the bleeding in my dreams
She is fresh air in this stinking world

on an unrelated note many thanks to (of all people...) Brittnee for keeping me sane at work over the past couple of days. Her melodrama is much too melodramatic to be depressed and sorry for myself around....

that and news of a "300 styled" Ghost in the Shell movie helped too

_sammael_ @ 2008-04-15T23:21:00

2008-04-15T14:13:30Z

Work today was hell. I finally got the 100% confimation that there will never be any going back...

I had to try and spend 8 hours serving people with this giant fucking hole in my chest, pretending like I give a shit. Trying not to let my eyes glaze over. Every time someone asked if I was ok I had to quickly look away and change the topic before I burst. So many times where I almost completely broke down. So many times where I wanted to run to the toilets and stay there sobbing. And the worst bit is I can't take time off. Its the school holidays and with no notice there's no chance in hell.

I need time to clear my head, to forget.... no not to forget. never forget... To work out what I'm supposed to do from here because I dont know. I seriously don't know what the fuck I'm doing. At this point I can't even focus beyond tomorrow. I can't deal with next week, becasue I can't deal with today
.
Her face is tattoo'd to my brain and I just want to claw it off.

coral's bf also broke up with her while she's down her to see him, so some time in the next couple of days we were going to go off and drink the pain away. She called earlier and asked how I was and I couldn't answer, my mouth moved, and I just forgot how to speak. Sat there mouth moving and my eye's raining.

I should have learnt from last time never to give myself to someone. I shouldnt trust people with my heart because in the end it's the first thing they'll shatter. I dont even trust myself not to do something stupid, how fucked is that. I want it all to stop so badly....

bring on the stabbing westward

2008-04-14T13:28:28Z

I keep breaking all the promises
That I keep making to myself
You'd think by now that I'd be over this
Instead I'm feeling sorry for myself
So why does everything seem desperate now
I should be feeling so alive
But it feels like something's missing
Something's wrong somehow
It feels like something deep inside has died

So why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel like dying
Why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel desperate now

I keep breaking all the promises
That I keep making to myself
But promises mean nothing to me anymore
Circling the drain
Spiraling to hell

So why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel like dying
Why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel desperate now