won't you take me home tonight|
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|Sunday, June 12th, 2005|
|a tribute to broken hearts and shattered souls
It was my choice...do I regret doing it? I'll never know. Why do I feel like I am such pain over it all. I know that part of the reason is because I wanted it to work, I would have KILLED for it to work. I would have done anything for it. I would have done anything to have made him see me as the most precious thing walking, but, as i've realized, You can't make people feel or show what you'd wish they'd would show or feel...it just can't be done...Today is the first day that I honestly have let myself feel like crap over it...and I just don't know. I just wish there was a cure for broken hearts. Current Mood: empty,sad,broken,cried out
|Saturday, May 14th, 2005|
|Monday, May 9th, 2005|
haha...one thing i just thought about, which to me is really funny...
me laura and cassie, the whole time in rhode island, were making fun of all the fan girls, but the second we got the chance to follow them into starbucks,we turned into COMPLETE fan girls, and we were like "OMG THEYRE GETTING OFF THE BUS...WHERE ARE THEY..STARBUCKS, THEY'RE GOING TO STARBUCKS" and we HAULED ASS to starbucks, THE BACK WAY, so that it wouldnt seem like we were following them, and mind you, we've never been to rhode island, so how we knew that it was the back way...we'll never know. lmao. that was the best time of my life...
i hope jersey will be fun...it will not be like RI, but...yeah...i just hope so Current Mood: nostalgic
|Saturday, May 7th, 2005|
SO EXCITED, HANSON CONCERT, JUNE 10TH, DO I HAVE TO SAY MORE? Current Mood: ecstatic
SO EXCITED, HANSON CONCERT, JUNE 10TH, DO I HAVE TO SAY MORE? Current Mood: ecstatic
|Monday, May 2nd, 2005|
mmm...i hate how i don't update in here anymore, or I have nothing to say when I do update. it's so weird, I feel fine today, but at the exact same time, I feel some what empty. Nothing has been good or bad lately, and I havent really been having any problems anywhere with anyone.
sometimes i really can't believe that me and chris are going to be together for a year almost...it seems like such a long time...and it went so fast. I don't want it to be going by so fast...sometimes I feel that if i could go back to that first day last year where i started talking to him again, I would do it in a second. I just hate that all the excitement has gone, you don't really get the butterflies in your stomach when you think about them, or when they sign online...I miss those feelings, alot...sometimes i think its because, even tho we don't see each other, face to face we spend a LOT of time together...its like sometimes when we're on the phone we just sit there in silence, watching 2 different things...really whats the point of that...(no, i'm not saying i dont want to talk to you chris) I just want to feel excited about talking to him and have him feel the same way...maybe we'll be better off when I actually get a job and when summer time comes, and hopefully I won't be home like 24/7 like i usually am now...yeah :/
mmm...atleast school is almost over...i am finished on the 16th on may THANK GOD lol :D and then in august, I do get to go visit chris, ON MY OWN, how cool is that shit. haha. I'm excited about that...i really am. Current Mood: drained
|Friday, April 29th, 2005|
woo. it seems like its been forever that i've updated this...and I don't know I dont really even have much to say here...lol. There had been something that I wanted to write, but now i can't remember what it had been...! soo...OH WELL THEN lol i guess this is all i'm going to write for now... Current Mood: bored
|Sunday, April 17th, 2005|
If i was a real poet...
maybe i could write more about then just...
love and pain..
maybe i could write about...
the first time i felt pretty
or that time you held my hand
If i was a real poet...
maybe i could write about...
the way the sun and rain makes a rainbow
or how the dark clouds mean rain and a big storm
or that one time i had a moment with the person in the car next to me
If i was a real poet...
maybe i could write about...
the way a flower grows
or trees blow in the breeze
or the one time i actually got weak in the knees
if writing about love and pain
and the way you make me feel
makes me not a real poet...
then I'll leave it at that
because how i feel is real
and is worth everything to me. Current Mood: peaceful
|Friday, April 15th, 2005|
weee!! its my birthday today!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Current Mood: excited
|Thursday, April 7th, 2005|
This is just something that i want you to know...maybe I should do this is private, but i don't want to for some reason. It's like, with what I'm going to say, I'm not looking for a reaction, but I'm trying to give myself some faith, and trying to give you...i don't know what I'm trying to give you actually...all i know is that maybe this will mean something to you, maybe it won't, I'm not sure, but either way...these are just a few things that I've figured out...
the 1st thing that I have figured out, is that me and you, we are great when we're together, like physically together, we are an awesome team then...and I know that we are not able to be together all of the time, as in the same room...but when we are, I love it so much....an I don't think i want to give that up at all...because one day, we WILL be together all the time...or hope we will be...and soon enough...and i think need to stop looking for the word love in everything, and being told that I'm special...what i need to look for is the small things...like how when we were in friendlys, you remembered that I have to cut my sandwhich into fours...and how when I would lay my head on your chest(during be nice to melissa time, lol) you WOULD rub my back, and i DID feel loved...and then there is what I told you...you were the one to initiate the 1st kiss...and just how I feel like I can be who i am around you and we can talk about ANYTHING (even farting and pooping...lol) and I love that about you...and I just want you to know, that I am partially sorry for what has been going on lately...I have been wanting to try to change to, to be what I want, while, you are just you...and that is the person that I fell in love with. I need to try harder too...I need to try to become use to how you are as a person...because I really do love you...and i think if i did not love you, I would just be able to be like "it's over" and not feel sad about it...so please...just know that I think, if we really want this to be a good relationship, it lies on neither one of us seperately, but it lies on both of us as a couple, we both need to try harder for the other, because we both love each other so much...and i don't want to lose you, just because we didnt try...so please...I want to try....and I love you...
|Wednesday, April 6th, 2005|
one of the best best things in the world, has to be sitting outside on your lap, with a nice cool breeze, and your kitty sitting on the foot rest, just chillin with you...that has to be one of the best things there is lately, and let me tell you, as of lately, there is not much that is really good...I just want to get out of my house...I can;t stand the stress of how every one is feeling lately, and whether or not to put my grandma into a nursing home, and all of this other crap, its been going on, for what feels like months now, but its only been about 2-3weeks...
I kinda hate coming home to an empty house every day, since my dad is always at the hospital now, he's never home, its spring time, and its almost my birthday, I should be feeling hapy this month, and I should be feeling good about the up coming summer, and everything like that...But i DON'T, because there is so much shit going on around me...its like, every day i wake up, and I feel good about the day, and I have fun where I am, and I just come home to more bad news, and to more people being stressed out, my life, as of right now sucks...all thaty I am hoping for is that I really do have a good birthday next friday, and that nothing gets messed up way too badly...because I have had some pretty sucky birthdays before...and I don't want my twentith birthday to tottally suck ass, that would like, so not be cool...cuz I'll be TWENTY...and I've been looking foward to it ever since I turned 19, lol.
I just want all of this madness to stop, I just want school to be over with too, because I have like, no desire to go to school right now, because everything just sucks, mind you i still get my work done, and I still try to do it all as well as i can...I have to write a paper tonight, but I'm not so worried about that...because I know that Chris has written a...I think 5 page paper, the night before too...so I don't feel like I should have been doing stuff, and then never actually did it...lol. so yeah, whatever, i dont really have much more to say...adios Current Mood: blah
|Monday, April 4th, 2005|
|somd random sentences...
I'm terribly sorry, but I must rub up against your tree.
Don't find amusement in me! Not with that ocelot! Please!
Why isn't my spark plug beautiful?
I'm a level 5 Snowflake, in fire engine-world! I've got a magic wedding ring and everything!
If you fool my lesbian, I'll burn you...
Ooh, I'm so mean, I could go away for a dirty weekend with a garden gnome!
DO NOT LEAVE IT IS NOT ORIGAMI!
ATTENTION PENGUINS! You are town criers. Nothing but unsteady town criers. You think you're shockproof, but you're not. Current Mood: okay
|Sunday, April 3rd, 2005|
one thing I have to say...is that for once I wish i could have the numb feeling...where the world doesn't really seem real, where you're kinda just outside looking in, not sure whats really going on, instead of this like, constant pain pulsing thru my entire body, these waves of confusion, where i dont know what to do with myself...but it seems that everyone I have talked to...because I can not talk to the person who has helped create this state of mind, seems to agree with me on what I have decided...is it an omen? am i actually right in what i might have to do? is it wrong? all of you who are reading this are close to me...or usually are close to me...so you know what I am talking about...and if you don't feel free to ask me...I don't want to be right in what I might end up doing...but at the sametime, is there anything else that I can do...i don't know anymore... Current Mood: Sad and Alone
|Friday, April 1st, 2005|
I am not trying to lose weight: False
There are some things I can write about that I can't talk about: True
There are many people that I dislike: True
I like living in the present: True
I love giving people gifts: True
I hate musicals: False
I haven't been in any musical performances: True
I love to sing: True
I love cheesecake: True
I have a lot of trust issues: Sometimes true
I eat meat sometimes: True
If it has vodka in it, I'll drink it: maybe
I wait too long before I see a doctor: True
If I like a movie, I become obsessed with it: True
I don't like video games: False
I hate competition: True
I can take good qualities and learn something from everyone I know: False
I can sometimes be very self-conscious: TRUE
I don’t have tattoos: True, but i want one
I am an independent person: sometimes true
I am in love: True
I think I'm a dork: True
I can't keep secrets: False
I live in my room: with my lap top now, true
I don't know what most big words mean: False
I know only one person who truly knows me: true
I tend to get pissed at people very easily and then get over it very easily: very very true
I love stuffed animals: False
I've never puked from alcohol intake: True
I hate cartoons: True
My family has no "family secrets" that we're not supposed to talk about: True
I'm afraid of letting everyone down: true
I think to a degree, I've been too grown up for years: False
I sometimes get upset for no good reason: True
It would be nice if I were to be on MTV someday: False
I went to a public school: True
I don't identify with my generation: True to a point
I know who I want to marry someday: True
I believe there's someone for everyone: True
My family is dysfunctional: Every family is.
I'm scared of the dark: True
I’m right handed: True
I have really long hair: True
I would love to see the world: True
I don't get along well with my family: False
I'm Wiccan: False
I'm really good with kids: True
I used to be a "cutter:" False
I love to act: False
I get withdrawal if I don't have internet access for more than a few days: True
I've had an eating disorder: False
I don't know how to drive: False
I like having my picture taken: False
I know sign language: False
I don’t like rap music: True and False
I never wear makeup: False
I have a brother: True, i have a brother in law
I love Spike from Buffy: False
I have been to Texas: False
I have a hard time keeping in touch with people who are far away: False
I’ve smoked cannabis: False
I love sci-fi: False
I would like to get a tattoo some time in my life: True
I wish money really did grow on trees: TRUE
I don't live with my parents: False
I secretly like dressing up: dressing up in general? or as something freaky?
I have over 50 people on my buddy list: On one of them, true
I enjoy painting: False
I don't know anything about cars: True
I prefer dogs to cats: False
I do not like cold weather one bit: True
I hate doing my dishes: True
I don't like stupid people: True
I know how to sew: True
I have brown hair: True Current Mood: sick
|just shoot me.
ahhh today i had such a bad head ache...thank god it is finally starting to go away now...i had it all day...sometimes it was worse the others...it was un bearable either way tho...I'm so happy that it's finally going away tho...lol. I had one just like this on monday i think it was...it felt like i had a really bad hang over, and i didnt even have the pleasure of drinking, so that really sucks alot...
okay, yesterday and today I've been feeling really pissed off...and for a very strange reason...lol. I want to say what it is, but I also don't want chris to get mad at me for saying what it is, so i think i might just leave it at that...because it surely isn't worth having my baby upset over, when it's such a stupid thing anyway.
well, my best friend laura, finally got her license! i feel happy for her. it's good for her...maybe she'll start to grow up a little bit, maybe she'll mature more...which would be really good for her, because she needs it...not that I don't love her the way that she is, because i really do...
OH, i'm proud of myself this week...I actually went to the gym THREE TIMES, and I counted calories really good and everything...and i have to do this for three weeks to get into a habit of doing, so it's going to be hard, but i really think that I can do it...it's for something that I really want...and it's also for myself...I've noticed that when i try to do this for someone, not myself, it never really works the way I want it to, i'm never able to do it, but when I'm doing it for myself it works, and I actually do it...so i need to to do it for me, and only me...and i have a goal and a reward for myself in mind for doing it, so it's tottally worth it...actually i just thought of a great idea...i'm gonna hang up a picture of my reward next to my calorie counting thing so that when i go to write something down on it, i'll be able to see what i'm going for...anyway thats all for now...adios!
P.S 14 days left til i'm twenty...WHAT ARE YOU ALL BUYING ME?????????
...chris...all i have to say...is that it better be good. Current Mood: sick
|Tuesday, March 29th, 2005|
|all in due time...
This is something That i need to write about...something that I have never really put into words. I have spoken to people about it, and I have talked about it alot, I've said my feelings...but for some reason when I write things...they seem more complete,I think clearer about them...Time to time...I think about Laura's father an I miss him so much I really do...when i speak about him, I usually end up crying..because I do miss him. When I go to laura's house, it just doesn't feel the same to me there...it's like I can feel the difference so greatly, when I think about him, I see him up in his room, or at the kitchen table when we would have diner...and the time when I went up to lauras house because i bent my nail backwards and i needed a bandaid..and he asked me if I picked my nose and that was how i did it...Theres just so much that I miss about him, and I want to be able to tell laura how much I miss him, I keep feeling that I just need to find the right time to tell her...but will there ever be a right time to tell her? maybe, maybe not...all I know is that not matter how much she gets on my nerves, shes is my best friend, and I think she knows that I miss him...and I KNOW that she misses him too...and I think maybe we need to say these things to each other, and open up the communication between each other...and I believe that it will be okay if we do cry together... I know that it has been months since he died...but the truth is...sometimes things take time, even if its like 5 months...sometimes it takes 5 months for things to become a reality, for me to be able to feel like it is finally time to talk to Laura about her father, and to tell her how i feel, and to let her tell me how I feel...I know that she misses him even more then I do...but I still do miss him greatly, and when it comes to missing a person that has passed on, it's not a competiton of who misses them the most, it's the fact that you bother shared such a great love for the person and that you respected them so much that you feel the need to talk to someone who you think might feel the same way about it...as to the dream that I had a few days after he died, i don't think that it's right for me to tell her about that yet...because honestly,I don't want to scare her with that, I also don't want her to feel even more upset then she already does...I think that in due time, maybe even in a few years I will share the dream with her...but until then, no. Maybe I am wrong, but I personally do not feel that it is right...anyway...I just had to write this for myself, to make myself feel better and to make myself understand my feelings, and to make it clear to myself what I have to do with my best friend...I know that there are going to be people who love me who are reading this...and I want you all to know, that I am okay,and really, trust me, I know that I can talk to all of you about this at anytime...and I know that you all will listen to me...and I just want you all to know, That I love you very much, and as much as you have my back, I have your back, whenever you need me, I will be here for you, to listen to you, or to help you out...I love you all <33333 Current Mood: blah
|Sunday, March 27th, 2005|
|top things about my life.
1: I have a great boyfriend.
2: I have awesome hair.
3: I have good parents.
4: I found something I'm good at.
5: I have good friends.
6: I have a car.
7: My boyfriend loves me.
8: I have alot of Old Navy Clothes.
9: I get to go to curves for free.
10: I look good in pink.
11: I just got a new cellphone.
12: I don't stress out that much.
13: I've met Hanson twice.
14: I have a bag signed by Taylor Hanson.
15: I have alot of shoes.
16: I have a lot of clothes.
17: I'm a good listener.
18: I have patience with children.
19: I'll never be sacrifced to a Volcano.
20: I got Flowers for Valentines Day.
21: I'm never embaressed to say I have to poop.
22: I've caught a fish.
23: My new phone is a camera Phone.
24: I've never been shot.
25: I thought of 25 random things about my life. Current Mood: calm
|Saturday, March 26th, 2005|
Okay so, Today chris leaves after a week of him being here. I think i had one of the best weeks of my life this week. I am so happy that he came here...I just want to know the next time that I'm going to be able to see him...I wish that I could go back witgh him, Because I have a week off this week...and that would have been so awesome...but its okay...In august I really want to go visit him for his birthday...That would really kick ass...Hopefully now that my parents have met him They'll let me go...I mean I'll be TWENTY YEARS OLD, and I would have had a Job for a while then too...so I would be able to pay for things myself If it came down to it. It worries me that she wont let me go...and it makes me mad when I think about it, because I'm not a little girl anymore...if i want to go, I can go...I'm almost 20yrs old I can make my own choices...but anyway, having chris here was like, amazing...haha the most that we did was lay in bed the whole time and just cuddle and watch movies and stuff like that...and he would lick my face...lol. anyway, that is like all for right now I'll update more later on today I'm sure... Current Mood: okay
|Wednesday, March 16th, 2005|
|and its..been a while
woo. i havent updated here in quite a while...i dunno i actully dont have much to say. OH except i got an AWESOME comment made about me today...a few ladies that i know from student teaching, go to curves which is where my sister works and a few of the ladies go to curves and said to my sister "when does your sister graduate?" and she was like "next year I think..." and theywere like "damn...cuz we were going to go to Diane and ask for her to be a head teacher..." omg, that is like THE BEST compliment, ever ever ever. anyway thats about all I have to say for right now, maybe something else will hit me later I dont know.
|Saturday, March 5th, 2005|
okay so today, I just sat around and played the sims 2, because i got the expansion pack for it now! and its so awesome, haha. I love it. But today i have to get out of the house, because I need to do something besides playing the sims and going to school. Because that seems that that is all that I do lately and that can get to be very very annoying, and I can't stand it. haha. I mean I know i have no life, but i have to go outside and drive somewhere besides for the purpose of going to school, because that just sucks. sooo...anyway chris will be here in FIFTEEN DAYS, THAT IS ONE DAY MORE THEN TWO WEEKS, THAT IS SO FRIGGING SCARY. haha. I have like, no clue as to what i am going to wear to meet him, and if I'm going ton the airport alone, or if my mom is going with me, I have no clue!!
I have to get my toes done, i have to get my eyebrows waxed, i have to get a new outfit, and I have to buy like, new stuff for his bed, and new curtains for his door ways, because well,the other curtains are from...HIM, and yeah i dont really like looking at that crap very much it makes me feel sick sometimes. lol. not sad sick(cuz why the fuck would i EVER be sad about that), but like, sick sick haha.
OH, here is sometghing weird that happened, like lastnight I guess that the power went out early in the morning, so my TV got shut off, and i woke up and i knew it got shut off, but i just fell right back to sleep with my TV not on. that is quite odd for me, being that i ALWAYS sleep with my TV on, and sometimes i even sleep with my light on, (yes, i am alittle afraid of the dark, what do you want me to tell you?) blah.
I dont know what else to write but I want to find something to write about, because i love how people always write those super long entries, that are like three pages. I could never do that, and I've tried to do it before, but it just doesnt seem to happen for me. I'm just happy when I get the scroll bar to show up on my entries, thats when it seems to be getting long enough. hmmm...
OH yes, this is something pretty cool too...my birthday is in 1 month and 10 days, and like at 1st i had asked for an ipod for it, but then I was like, what the hell am i going to do with an ipod, im never eve going to use it, so its a waste of like, almost $300, so what i thought of, is, A NEW CELLPHONE. So i am going to get a cellphone that costs close to the amount of an ipod for my birthday, so i am going to have a nice ass cellphone, YAY i am so happy about that, I will be able to download ringtones for my phone, and I want one that has a color screen, and also that has a speaker phone, so say I want to talk to someone, or if i want to talk to chris while i'm driving somewhere I will be able to without getting a ticket, so, thats pretty friggin awesome, WEEE. so yeah, i'm going to have a really nice lap and a really nice cellphone, so now i can feel like some rich spoiled kid. haha.
anyways, that seems to be all that I have to say for right now, and i feel that i wrote enough to make myself feel happy about my entry, even though most of this has just been like, rambling that makes no sense what so ever, BUT WHO CARES ANYWAY, soooo...
PEACE OUT HOMIES Current Mood: sleepy