| i am in the gutter and there are the stars' Journal |
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i am in the gutter and there are the stars
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[14 May 2010|03:16am] |
Every day I feel lonelier and lonelier.
and more depressed every day.
I didn't care for a long time.
The last two months have just been eating me up inside.
It's not just not having a girl around.
It's not having family, not having friends like I had when I was back home.
I have awesome friends here, but it's still not the same.
They're good friends but they're still caught up in their own bullshit.
when they're bothered and I can see, I say something, and they get mad.
I miss home where shit didn't matter. We all were straight up. Of course everyone but myself and ALan were married w/ kids, but we were all honest. We all knew what was going on and when asked, no one had an attitude.
It all feels so childish to me.
Sitting at ash street all I want to do is hit people. I hate portland.
tonight I sat and talked to some gutter punk rock kid who was actually a certified paramedic. and we discussed how I"m going to be going to school to get my EMT B. He said, you will get a job with an EMT B or I. but if you get a para rating, no one will hire you in this town.
I said, I don't care. I'm leaving as soon as I get a degree.
Fuck this place. Going south. Or east. I don't know. I'm so burnt out. SO tired of everyone.
this kitten our new roommate has is the biggest highlight of my life in teh past two days.
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[02 Mar 2010|01:47am] |
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I don't know anymore.
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[16 Feb 2010|01:42am] |
I've been back in Portland for a week.
Dan was leaving for the month to go to recon school and was letting me use his studio while he was gone.
He broke his foot the first day. hah. He got back tonight, but I've had the place to myself for the past week.
no tv, no internet, no radio... gets boring. The only background being that of the traffic coming out of the tunnel of 26. I've read a couple books, drank a lot, and not accomplished much. I can't remember how we used to get jobs without the internet...
I went to a friends' birthday on saturday and it was mostly couples. It was somewhat depressing, hah.
I miss that. It'll be two years come June. I feel like I can't remember what it's like. hah. Worse, I can't think of any girl here that I'm even interested in enough to be in a relationship. There was one for a bit, but I screwed that up and she has too much going on, I guess. The only other being too far away for now.
I meet new girls occasionally. They're usually attractive, and that's nice, but... I don't know. I likely don't see them again, thus not getting to know them past a few words shared over drinks.
Shit is old.
and pandora is fuckin' retarded.
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[16 Jan 2010|09:24am] |
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Crazzzy. facebook just suggested this one girl that I used to crush on a lot. The last time I saw her was in 2004 right after a serious car accident I was in. She helped me clean the blood off my head and then sat and talked with me, but then her ride was leaving so she had to go. Crazzzy. I've surprised I've not seen her more recently as she's apparently friends with friends of mine, including my last roommate. But those few are friends with everyone. hah.
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[27 Dec 2009|08:34pm] |
2009 has a been a fuckin' bust for the most part.
The first half was decent, this second half has been very questionable. I've met a couple new people which is great. I've reconnected with people I grew up with and that has been some of the few highlights of the year.
Last night I got pulled over for a brake light being out. I don't have my drivers' license. Mostly because the DMV wouldn't let me use either of our cars. One has a broken door and one had a cracked windshield.
Luckily the officer that pulled me over knows me and we've spoken a bunch of times. He kept making a point of telling me he really didn't want to do anything, but he has to. He gave me a ticket for not having an operators' license which was $287. Only $37 more than my stop sign ticket. hahaha. Anyway, he then told me, "i'm going to drive off and go park at the station and do some stuff. You do what you have to do". I got out and talked to some people since I got pulled over in front of the bar and several people I knew were standing out there. Then drove home.
Awesome. A fucking brake light.
I got lucky, though.
Murder City Devils on NYE. I got two tickets for $50. Not sure of any other plans.
I get my financial aid at the end of January and should be going back to school soon after, so hopefully moving back to portland and maybe things will change. Finish my diversion shit and get the fuck out of here.
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| birthday car accident fuck yeah. |
[01 Oct 2009|01:48am] |
Oh yeah. I forgot about this. I guess I mostly post small random shit on my facebook instead.
anyway. What's happened since June? hrm.
July 4th wasn't bad. Hung out with Denny at his house and watched the fireworks. Then we went to the bar to watch Aaron, his dad, and heather play. It was pretty good. At least I didn't wake up with a split open forehead like last year.
Later in July Kevin and I went up to Tacoma to see a show. We were going to go up to Seattle and meet up with some other people and go see a bunch of old hardcore bands, but the people flaked out and it was super hot, so we just drove back to Portland.
August... on the 7th I went into Portland for the Twilight crit and to hang out with this girl Amy. It was pretty fun. After that there was a party/show thing at the Mill house. the usual good times.
That weekend was jamboree in vernonia. Watched aaron, his dad, and heather play at the bar again and hung out with some other kids. I think sunday I just slept for like 20+ hours. it was pretty awesome.
My birthday was eventful... I went into Portland and met up with Amy and hung out with her most of the day, which was a lot of fun. My phone was stolen on jamboree so I wasn't able to call anyone, really. there was a bbq at the mill house, so hung out there and got pretty drunk. I don't remember why I was leaving the house, but I remember leaving, driving to burger king, getting food, and then getting onto i-5 off the morrison bridge. As far as I can remember I turned my head to get some food and I guess at that time a semitruck w/a flat bed trailer slowed down in front of me to merge and I ran into the back of him. totaled my car.
There was a large gash in my knee and I went to the hospital. The cops gave me a dui(which after reading the police report was mostly because I called them a dick)and then never took my blood to prove it. However, apparently if the cops just say you're drunk, that holds in court. bah. anyway.
Hung out with alex for two days. Cops wouldn't tell me where they towed my car, which had my wallet and glasses in it. thanks portland pd. assholes.
nothing much has happened since. Saw my lawyer on tuesday and i'm just going to take diversion. hopefully if I complete that they'll drop the reckless driving.
So yeah. August started really good. but eh. fuck it.
now I'm living at home still. Knee is even more fucked up. I don't have a car anymore, so I can't even get a job unless I move to Portland, which I can't really do since w/ the diversion I'll be paying out every week for that.
My internet was gone for two weeks and i still haven't replaced my phone, so I've only been occasionally hanging out w/ people in vernonia. But otherwise.
I bent the rear axle on my quad, so I can't ride that right now.
Fuck yeaaah.
2009, another shitty fucking year. Everytime something decent is going on, and I'm feeling somewhat happy, more shit. yay.
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[19 Jun 2009|04:38pm] |
So, Central Oregon was ok.
Glad to be home, though.
I hit a tree and hurt my leg. bent a strut thing on the right side of the steering stuff on my quad. should be an easy fix.
Monday I had this crazy dream. there was so much of it. It seemed the night went forever.
But what i do remember was going to the park with Kevin and some other kids. We were all hanging out drinking. Alithea was there and complained that "only hipsters drink in the park" or something like that. I have no idea why my mind conjured that up. haha. Later Bekah showed up. I've not seen her in a few months, so it was odd. She was showing off a new skirt and all happy. I wished her a happy late birthday. Later I was in someone's house and I was going to get beer. Tim Mason was there and asked me to get some fancy asian beer. For some reason I decided to skate board. I slipped in front of some girl I recognized(Spaced her name) and then chased my board for a few blocks. I eventually was walking back up the hill and cut through a bar(which for some reason I thought it to be the tube but it was completely different), while in there I ran into Brien Collins. Which was way weird since I think I've not seen that kid since 2000. I told him to give me his number, but I had to run. I continued walking and magically it was snowy everywhere. I tried to text Kevin to see what he was doing since I figured he wouldn't make it home due to the snow, but for some reason couldn't managed to type out "what". I gave up and then went in a store to buy beer. However, apparently they were closing because they had no beer. I decided to buy a 6 pack of mt dew(no idea why, since I never drink that)which turned out to be mostly those "mojitos" or whatever. haha. I walked back to the house and gave tim his money complaining that no one had any beer. I remember there being a lot more to it, it's just been too many days to recall it all.
I woke up with this crazy euphoria. Though I told myself it was just a dream, so it doesn't count. It's like when you have a dream about having a bunch of money and you wake up all excited until you realize it was just a dream. Well, at least it happens to me all the time. Anyway, it stuck in my head all week. I guess hanging out in the park drinking w/ two girls you crush on leaves nice feeling, even if it wasn't real.
I'm supposed to go to Portland tonight. Tyler's flight gets in around 11 or so. But I'll stop by and hang out w/ Broc and Alex first. Now I just need to find the car keys. They've disappeared.
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[14 Jun 2009|02:38am] |
I've had some crazy nice dreams lately. Just all nice. Sleep is fucking awesome.
Anyway, I had one last night that I met this girl. I think she lived in our apt building and just started hanging out w/ us. But she had awesome cute hair and dressed all cute... but she was super preggers. However, it didn't matter to me and the dream was nice. Maybe this is my subconcious telling me to get my shit together and meet a girl and get something going? fuck.
Another dream I had, apparently I was in Japan, but the buildings were more like Turkey. Anyway, there were a bunch of kids I've not seen or thought of in years. It was weird, but nice.
Leaving for Maupin and Bend for a week of camping and riding quads. good times.
Happy early birthday, Clary.
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[22 May 2009|04:31am] |
WEST SIDE INVITE in seattle this weekend dickfaces.
I won't be there because I'm fucking broke and should be living under a bridge. But those of you who can, fucking go and stop being a fuck face. |
www.westside2009.com
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[22 May 2009|04:25am] |
WEST SIDE INVITE in seattle this weekend dickfaces.
I won't be there because I'm fucking broke and should be living under a bridge. But those of you who can, fucking go and stop being a fuck face. |
www.westside2009.com
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[22 May 2009|03:57am] |
I got home and got in a huge fight with my dad.
He used to drink at drive crazy all the time.
I went out and had a few drinks tonight and he lectured me.
I told him he had no right to call me out, even if he doesn't drink anymore.
We went from there into a huge fight about everything. Eventually it came around to my anger with my brother.
My mom and my grandmother both called when my brother got out of prison, but they both never bother calling to talk to me ever. Everyone makes excuses for my brother and everything but yet constantly degrade and put me down... I've never wnet to prison... my brother has twice, but htey defend him religiously. When I pointed it out, my dad called me jealous. I said "no." I'm just calling out bullshit.
the other day he asked me if I still had my cz52 pistol. I lied and said I sold it for rent.
Tonight I asked him if he wanted to know why I really sold it. He said no, because he was afraid of the answer. He knew it. I sold it because I was apt to kill myself. Having that pistol around was making it easier and more likely. I told him to fuck off. Because before when he asked about it and I said I sold it fore rent, he said "i should never giveyou anything, you'll just sell it" like I'm a fucking drug addict or something.
I'm just tired of being judged when my dad is a complete fuck up himself. He tried to rub in today that he had to go to work, like i'm not trying to find a job, like it's just fucking simple to find a job.. fuck that.
that shit makes me so angry. I don't want to be here. I have to move because my brother is a piece of shit and has anger problems and can't talk to someone without trying to get violent, so I have to move. Awesome.
fuck everyone.
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[29 Apr 2009|02:17am] |
eh. Things are meh.
Which I suppose is normal/average for me.
Still haven't managed to find another job since February. Awesome. I apply for easy shit, but I think my resume is too much for a job that doesn't require shit. A large majority of my experience is office stuff, customer service/tech support, etc... and i'm applying for dishwashing jobs. hah.
Thursday I managed to get fucking crazy drunk despite not drinking any liqour. I don't know how it happened, but it did. As a result, I rolled my ankle and tweaked my knee. My whole leg swelled up pretty bad from my knee to my toes. it's gone down, but my leg still feels stiff. My foot hurts and such. My toes keep going numb, too.. but i've read that could just be from the swelling in my ankle. but it's just more awesomeness. I was finally hoping that it was healed from August. fuck.
There's nothing really exciting.
West Side Invite is memorial day weekend in Seattle. The plan is to be there for that. fuck yeaaah. Then the weekend of June 6th I'm trying to go camping up in Colville(north of spokane), but who knows. The way my money situation is, affording west side will be a hassle.
I'd also like to go to SF in July to see Kristin Schaal. who knows.
I've had this cough since November. fuck yeah.
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[14 Mar 2009|06:37am] |
I forget about this thing sometimes.
Not much is going on. I got fired the other week for missing 4 days of work since the beginning of the year. Awesome. Oh well.
GOt my tax returns back, like $1100. Wee.
Hopefully my unemployment goes through.
Still out in Vernonia. Trying to move back, but not having a job again, that makes it a bit difficult.
I'm not really motivated to write anything.
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[01 Dec 2008|03:21am] |
Well, that makes sense.
Charlotte said we should still be friends, we just need a break. Then a month later she just tells me to leave her alone and to move on. Which I don't understand, considering she said loved me and cared about me so much, so I figured fuck it, lets just be friends. Then I just see a photobooth picture of her and some other dude kissing and such. That makes sense. Shes' with someone else. that's why it's so easy for her to move on. I guess when you're 19/20 you can tell whoever that you love them and care about them and not mean shit. You can tell someone that you just don't have time for a relationship or whatever, and then go be in one with someone else.
Likely she was already seeing him or whatever when she broke up with me in june.
She has a knack for never saying the truth, just making shit up and then running from it.
fuck.
Oh well. she moved on to someone else. at least in the last month the constant nausea has gone away. the bad dreams.
it's funny how every relationship I throw myself into fully. and doing that just leaves me more damaged each time and less in the next relationship. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know what to do about anything.
I'm so afraid of being alone, but it's what i am the most.
i found someone i really loved for almost 2 years, and i thought they felt the same. now i don't know what the fuck they felt. that likely they're just some kid and i'm the stupid fuck because i believed them.
i'm 26 and i feel like i'm learning shit i should have known 10 years ago.
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[19 Nov 2008|09:47pm] |
blargh.
I started working again a week after I got laid off.
The jeep broke, so I had to call in Friday, I was late monday, and I missed today. I couldn't call in since my phone got shut off over a $50 bill. hah. But it's back on. I finally left a message around 1. They called back, but I couldn't check my messages until a bit ago. eff. I don't even know if I have a job still. And I get there an hour before HR does. eff. It'd suck if I go all the way out there and turns out I don't even need to.
Party at Josh's last saturday, was pretty fun. Jaime got punched. random.
I bought some dura-ace cranks off ebay, turns out they're road cranks w/ one chain ring. fuck. plus it's a octalink, so I need a octalink bottom bracket. at least i have a crank.
At my aunt's now. about to go to sleep.
Eff.
This week has sucked. but oh well. not much new there.
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[25 Oct 2008|08:26pm] |
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so, I got laid off on wednesday. Wee.
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[12 Oct 2008|01:24am] |
FUCK. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO LOVE HER? WHY CAN'T I SEE HER FACE AND NOT FEEL LIKE STABBING MYSELF IN THE FUCKING THROAT OR THROWING UP?
Why does my stomach jump up into my throat and make me start to choke when I see someone that may look like her.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
it's been months. She doesn't care about me at all, that's obvious. SO WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL CARE?!
FUUUUUUUUCK
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| my fucked head... sleeping disorders. |
[18 Sep 2008|09:26am] |
Back in 2004 when I was staying with Dinger and Jared, I started seeing things when I was falling asleep or had just fallen asleep. I remember one time waking up a few minutes after fallen asleep and asking my girlfriend at the time where the cat on the kitchen counter came from. She told me it was a water bottle. I didn't believe her, got up and grabbed what I thought was a cat, but it was a water bottle. That's the first time I remember it happening. After that I would see people walking down the hall in the reflection of the sliding glass windows, or have conversations with people that weren't there. One time I woke up and had a short conversation with Josh Ward. A couple minutes later, both him and Dinger came in the front door. It was all in my head. At the time I thought I was going fucking crazy. I only told my mom about it. Though, I remember being shitfaced once and talking to a friend about it, about how I was scared I was going crazy.
Then it mostly happened when I was really tired or stressed out. I've read it brings it on. Mostly it was just when I was falling asleep, which is referred to as a hypogognic state. I've also read that such things as when you're falling asleep and you get the sensation that you're falling(which I get a lot when I'm really tired)is the same.
In the last couple years it's gotten much worse. I try to remember when it started getting worse. I can't remember ever having problems at the Sumner house or when I lived off Hawthorne. I can't even remember any of it happening when I lived in the apt on 70th. I believe it started hitting me hard when I lived at the house on Beech with Charlotte.
My major problem now is what is referred to as hypnopompic state. It's the time between sleeping and waking. I'm told it's pretty common, but not as severe as I have it. Basically, I wake up but I'm still dreaming. Since I normally wear glasses and while sleeping I'm not wearing them, everything is blurry. This adds to it since objects and shadows can more easily form into things... Most of them creep/scare me. I've seen everything ranging from spiders to people to random objects. I remember one time trying to push Charlotte off the bed and between the wall and bed to protect her from whatever it was that I was seeing. Often, it was some scary shit. Faces and what not. Mostly demons(best way to describe it... or "monsters"). Back in December I remember waking and seeing a man, ghostly image of one, standing pointing at me and then moving through the doorway into the kitchen. This freaked the shit out of me to the point I couldn't move. I also saw a small man climbing down the blinds around the same time... weird shit. When I lived up on Sumner w/ Lizzie and Eggy. I saw shit all the time. If I left my closet door open w/ a jacket over it, I always saw someone there. People sitting in the corners, whatever. I had to start putting away my guns because I was afraid that in a fright I'd grab one and try to shoot this imaginary figure. Often times I'd sleep w/ the lights on or my glasses, to try and help me from seeing stuff. I always left the light on at my dad's when I stayed there after December. I just didn't want to be bothered.
I remember recently, waking and seeing two kids sitting behind my bike against the wall, and I said to them, "this shit needs to stop." Last night, I saw a small bug crawl out of a hole int eh wall above my head and sit there. I eventually got up and saw it was just a piece of paper that was still stapled to the wall. I pulled it off just to be sure.
It's hard to explain all the shit I've seen, but it's enough. Apparently you can take anti-depressants or something to help, the the cons outweigh the bad...
Speaking of how real the shit seems, the hole that the "bug" crawled out of, I put it there w/ my U lock while trying to hit another imaginary thing. It's crazy. I never had this shit when I was a kid. I guess I would sleep walk when I lived with my grandparents, but that's about it. I remember having one nightmare when I was a kid that I slept at the foot of my dad's bed the rest of the night.
Yeah.
Anyway.
I just did some assessment tests for a job. Got it. Start monday doing call center work for some identity theft case or some shit? $10.50/hr wee. Hopefully it will be mon-fri. Likely not.
In other news...
I'm still retarded and can't get the eff over Charlotte. Now she tells me that I need to "leave her alone". That was after 2 text messages in a span of 2+ weeks.
I guess when you're 19/20, you say you love someone and it doesn't have to be true. Same w/ that bullshit line, "I still want to be friends... I care about you." Hah. Why am I so fucking retarded over this shit? Before her, any girl... 2 weeks later and I'd be over it. Sometimes less. Months go by, and I'm still fucking retarded. I can't even watch a movie, read a book, play a fucking video game without thinking of her.
Bah. At least with work I can keep my mind occupied. It's not like I have anything else to do, so I'll just work as much as I can. I'll need to to afford to drive to hillsboro every day on a 16mpg car.
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[12 Sep 2008|12:51pm] |
fuck tri-met.
Good job stranding about 20 people downtown last night by not running your last two scheduled max blue line out west. I park my car at sunset(which is the first time i've been able to since it's always full)and then get stranded. yay. Luckly I have a friend who came and picked me up and gave me a ride, but there were still 15 people or so waiting around probably until 4 am.
Also, fuck pps coming and kicking us off the platform. I didn't realize the sidewalk was closed after 1:30 am
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[13 Aug 2008|01:39pm] |
bahhhh.
just when things were starting to feel ok. I mean, I think about her all the time, but I was starting to not feel nausious... then someone has to post a picture on ap of her and some of my friends from when we went to strikezone. fuck.
My ankle is somewhat better but still hurts. at least I can kind of walk.
Tomorrow is my 26th birthday... fuck.
Saturday I'll be in Portland.
If I keep motivation. anymore I feel like doing something and then the day rolls around and i just don't feel like putting forth the effort. it's easier to just sit here.
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