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[aoû. 23e, 2008|04:49 pm] |
god i think too much.
it's always better when i have stuff to do.
anyway, school started. 18 hours this semester. it makes sense, but i'm still crazy for doing it. so far it doesn't seem so bad (minus the first 10 page minimum research group paper due on wednesday. WEDNESDAY. it will be the 4th time we've had that class. utterly ridiculous). most of my professors seem pretty cool, which is definitely an improvement from last year. where i couldn't stand the majority of my professors. it's much easier to be in a class if you like the professor.
i'm finding all these opportunities to go abroad. there's no way i'd have time to do a full semester, unfortunately, because i'm about a semester (at least) behind and I'd like to graduate at a decent time. however, there's this awesome program in paris for three weeks in the summer. and my africana studies professor says he takes a group of students to ghana at the end of may each year for two weeks. I'm just itching to get out of this country for once and see the world that i read so much about. it's hard to study culture when you've only really been immersed in american culture.
anyway. i've been thinking about taking an internet blog hiatus. i've found time to sit down and write in my paper journal, and i think i'm going to work on that for now. focusing more on what i think than what others think, or something to that effect.
my apartment is starting to feel more home-y. and i'm starting to get my shit together. so that's about where i'm at. not going crazy, for once.
que sera, sera. |
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[aoû. 17e, 2008|09:32 pm] |
She just doesn't know how to quit.
the craving gets stronger when she isn't paying attention.
and then it hits her.
hard.
fast.
strong.
if you were only aware of the strength it takes her
to stay.
silent.
calm.
relaxed.
Turning into a character of her own story.
you'll never know, was the point.
take the chance, was the theme.
but still she sits.
stays.
silent.
she's no longer surprised
when that sudden jolt wakes her up in the night.
that warmth quickly vanishes, the same as her dream.
but she knows, like she always does.
the same dream.
same person.
same warmth.
she knows to keep her eyes wide open.
but they're drying quickly.
and she doesn't think they can keep.
she's done.
risking.
hoping.
wanting.
knowing things could never be what they once were.
knowing she'll never get it back.
sure he thinks the same way.
she must blink.
miss.
stop.
and hopefully, some day, it will fade.
the strength of the warmth.
the feeling brought on by him.
not forgotten.
not quite lost.
nor missing.
but dull enough to not feel the pain of it's absence.
to not hear the sound of his voice.
to not see his eyes.
dull enough to keep on without looking back. |
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[aoû. 5e, 2008|04:46 pm] |
honestly, i can't wait for classes to start because i have too much downtime and therefore think too much. and never about things i should be thinking about.
in other news, my brother got freakin' married! i can't believe it. it makes me feel kind of old. i am officially the spinster of my family (that is, if you can be a spinster under the age of 30...which, i'm pretty sure you can't.... so it's all good). anyway, it was great spending so much time with my family and jon's friends that came in for the wedding. rex & madelyn came in from CA too. that kid is so much fun.
work is starting to get a little better, at least for now. but i'm keeping an eye out. i think it just depends on who i'm working with some nights. we'll see how tonight goes. |
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[juil. 25e, 2008|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | myyyy apartment. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | save the last dance. | ] |
ugh. work.
i almost said that i hated my job today. it was weird. i felt bad. almost guilty. but i just get so wound up when i work now! i'm not sure it's worth it. i feel like what i do there is so under appreciated.
i just feel kind of angry right now.
maybe i'll feel better once i get some food in me.
sheesh. |
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| clear and calm. |
[juil. 23e, 2008|01:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the apartment. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | take me anywhere -- tegan & sara | ] |
i've decided chancing schmancing. i'm not leaving the decision up to me. it's time for someone else to step forward and be honest about their feelings, if that's what it comes to. i'm tired of putting myself of the line. if they want me, they're going to have to speak for themselves. i'm not forcing anything. and if it's just friendship, then fine. i'm totally okay with that. so there.
in other news, i've been a little down lately. i'm bummed because my job is sucking. well. the job itself isn't sucking it's all this new management crap. i feel like i complain about management half the time i'm at work. it's just been a lot of corporate bullshit. i'm sick and tired of it. but i still go back because aside from all of that. i love what i do. i love being surrounded by books. i love organizing and arranging all the silly little displays in my section. i love reading about new books, i love talking to people about books. and i like most of the people i work with. however, my job used to be a place i went to calm myself down. for almost all of last year, my job is what kept me sane. when i went through all my i don't know what i'm doing with my self, my life stuff, i found comfort in going to work. it was a relief from my own thoughts. i had fun with my coworkers. i enjoyed the menial tasks like re-shelving books, straightening shelves, and putting up and taking down end-caps.
but all of that seems to have become monotonous and annoying. i leave work feeling more wound up than relaxed. and i know that that is how the service industry works, and working for a big corporation would undoubtedly work. but that doesn't mean i have to like it. had i known they'd be cutting hours like they have been all summer, i would have gotten a second job. i'm hopeful that things might change now that we have our new gm. he seems nice enough. and so far hasn't done anything to make me think he's anything like his predecessor (an idea for those who don't know her. you know professor umbridge from harry potter 5? a little something like that). and this hope keeps me from looking for a new job. but i know a lot of people are fed up with how this is all going. i'm still trying to be optimistic. but i'm also watching my back.
it's just sad that things are changing so much in that area of my life. but i guess that's life. perpetual change and adjustment. we'll see what happens.
for now i'm focusing all my energy on being excited about my brother's wedding in 10 days! |
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[juil. 16e, 2008|01:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the apt. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | will & grace | ] |
i had a dream the other night where my kabbalah bracelet fell off and i freaked out about it. then i woke up, and i freaked out a little more. but then promptly fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night.
and now the dream is making me kind of freaked out. the bracelet is supposed to fall off when i've reached happiness or whatever. but i don't know what i would do if it fell off now. not that i'm incredibly unhappy. but i don't know that the timing is appropriate anyway. it really makes me think about where i am in life, that's for sure.
the weird thing about the dream is that it was so cinematic. like with swelling music and camera closeups and zoom outs. with slow motion used when i discover the bracelet has broken and as i let it fall from my wrist.
man...these dreams of mine.... |
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| the world spins madly on. |
[juin. 19e, 2008|10:31 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room, home. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | rilo kiley | ] |
internal conflict. the same old dumb things as usual. one day i'll be past all of it. unfortunately that day is not today. but i'll be keeping myself busy with packing up my room.
it's amazing all the things you keep without even realizing it. i have so much stuff that i don't know what to do with it all. i've got a huge pile of giveaways, a huge pile of throw aways, and still several things that i can't bring myself to throw away. like a lot of my theatre stuff. i don't particularly need any of it. i'm not going to display it anywhere in my new apartment, nor will my mother display it here. but i don't want to throw that stuff away. which means it will probably go in a box in the back of my closet. along with all the other things that used to be a big part of my life but aren't so much now (including, but not limited to my boy box and my pig collection). i find myself asking weird questions. is the lava lamp in or out? which pictures do i keep? which books should I give away? what cute knick-knacks deserve to stay? deserve to be trashed? deserve to be given away?
this packing thing is a lot more difficult than i thought it would be.
in other news. california was amazing. just what i needed. an out of this place.i'm surprised at how attached i feel to my nieces. not that i didn't think i would be, but i think about my relationship with my aunts and uncles, and i'm really not too close to any of them. I mean, they're family. but at the same time, there's no special bond. i like them and most of the time (for most of them) i like spending time with them. i want there to be a stronger bond with my nieces, you know? I want to be cool aunt tina that lets them do all the fun things mom and dad don't (sorry rex and katie, but someone's gotta do it :) you know? it's a weird sense of being maternal, in a way. i just know that seeing rex and katie with their kids kind of makes me reconsider the whole idea of having a family. if you can believe that. sure it was a somewhat exhausting week between the fits, the baby slobber, and being a personal jungle gym. but at the same time it was totally rewarding in so many other ways. and i guess that's the whole point of parenting, isn't it?
ANYWAY. enough sappy stuff. it's time to move out and move up. and i'm oh so ready to get on out and up. give this living on my own thing a try. i still have so much crap to sort through. |
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| summer. |
[mai. 28e, 2008|02:04 am] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | ella. | ] |
it's this heavy, humid air here that weighs down the memories that i'm trying to let drift away. the ones that are trying to drag away this continuous feeling that has overstayed its welcome. when the air is so thick, smothering, oppressing they fog my mind and sometimes pictures, music, laughs, even facial expressions, haunt me for days at a time. like this air has impressions on it left over from that time and that place. like walking through a museum of my past. over and over and over again. it not only mucks up my mind but it has started to seep into my dreams. i've used smoke to try to cover it up, drink to try and blurr the image, but it still keeps. the dreams are less tangible than usual, shorter and more abstract. but the images. the feelings. those are vivid. they stick.
it feels like i'm going crazy. i know better than letting all of this get to me. and try as hard as i can to shake it off, walk away and keep on keeping on, it still lingers. i'm careful turning corners. i try to use perphrials only when i must. like, i'm waiting for a something to jump out. surprise me. shake me to my core. and supose one day i am surprised. what will i see? will it remain a picture just out of my reach? a ghost? or more like a brick wall i just slam into? and then, well, what? what happens next?
I understand how utterly ridiculous and dumb this all is. but that hasn't seemed to help anything.
i really just need to get out of this town. get some thinner, freer air that doesn't remember so easily. |
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| another weird dream. |
[mai. 10e, 2008|07:57 pm] |
i was originally at this house. that looked a lot like lydia's friend megan's house in alcoa. except it was my childhood friend shannon's house. and i am pretty sure i tried to sneak a boy in or something. and shannon had locked me out of her room. so i couldn't talk to her. but i was also living there with my mother too. and she and i got into this really big fight (i have no idea what about.) and i also had just broken up with my boyfriend (name and face forgotten). so i am in my car heading down broadway. and i just want a mountain dew. nothing else is going right and i just want a goddamn mountain dew. i stop at one gas station. no luck. i stop at another, no freakin' luck. so i see this little podunkity convenience store so i try to go there. it's nighttime. and i park way farther away than i realize. so i'm walking up to this place and realize it's kind of creepy and sketchy and all. and i start to walk faster to get it over with. then i realize there are these two rednecks who are probably drunk and they're behind me. heading to the same place. and they realize i start walking faster and think it's because of them. so they start talking loudly about how rude it is that i assume they are going to attack me. i turn back and look at them and try to tell them that that isn't it. but i start running and they get angry. and i try to tell them that i'm just in a hurry. it's nothing against them. and one of them goes, "oh, okay so i don't need this then" and throws a brick right past my head. so of course i run faster. i get into the store. and people stare at me. the store is really weird shaped and of fucking course they don't have any damn mountain dew. i look everywhere. and these guys finally left me alone, but they're telling this story to the people at the bar inside of the store. but they're mostly shaking their heads at the drunk rednecks. and these high school kids follow me out the door. and they start asking me all these questions. and i'm like, leave me the fuck alone. i just want to go home. and i try calling katrina because i need a place to stay because my mom and i are fighting. and these boys won't leave me alone. and i'm sobbing on the phone, but luckily there are a couple of bike cops that come to my rescue and make the boys go away. they also escort me to my car. and make sure i'm okay to drive to katrina's (who is also freaking out because i'm really upset).
and then i woke up.
yeah. interpret that one. |
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[mai. 7e, 2008|07:18 am] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | i miss you -- incubus | ] |
there is nothing like staying out all night, and hanging out at ihop until it's light out side just shooting the shit with a friend.
also, tennessee is fucking beautiful in the early hours of the morning. |
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| I've been far too contemplative for my own good lately. |
[mai. 5e, 2008|04:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home sweet home | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | when you're gone -- hanson | ] |
I can't pin this down.
I can't put words to the feeling.
It's just been there the past couple of days.
Hovering over my shoulder.
Whispering into my ear.
Lots of different things
Twisting and curling around ideas and theories.
Trying to create this full fledged amazing cathartic epiphany.
That will maybe settle the wandering (wondering) mind of mine
I feel stuck in this transitional place in life.
And I feel like I'm stuck there a lot. When I first moved to Tennessee I felt like that because I felt like the next big thing in my life was going to college. I felt that way in Albany because I felt like the next big thing was coming back home. And now I'm feeling it again because... I don't know. I'm waiting to make a difference some how.
Maybe this transitional thing is normal though. I mean, what is that Buddhist idea that when you want something that you think will make you happy and you get it, it's going to ultimately let you down. And it's just a constant cycle of thinking you'll achieve happiness by attaining whatever it is, and then realizing it didn't help. I suppose that goes along with their idea that in order to achieve enlightenment you have to detach yourself from all material things.
I don't feel like it's things I need to detach myself from. Not material possessions, but ideas. Perhaps even people.
I just want to let go and start over brand new.
I just feel like I need a make over.
Not that I think it will change everything. Maybe not even anything.
But by cleansing myself of physical things (like cleaning out my room), I hope to accomplish cleansing myself and starting to feel fresher. Better, newer, revitalized or renewed. Like the same feeling you get when you start all over again.
I have too much shit. Too many things I don't need. Too many things I don't even bother to use but keep anyway for random whatever reasons.
I want to finish things I've started. I want to clean out and clean up.
Maybe with all this other cleansing, my mind will be cleansed too. And I can stop all this ridiculous thinking. Stop thinking about my regrets. Stop thinking about all the things I miss. Stop thinking about all the things I have messed up or lost. Stop thinking about all the things I wish I could change. But mostly stop wishing that I could go back in time and re-do everything.
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| quotes. |
[avr. 24e, 2008|11:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | l'apt. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | randoms. | ] |
I'm almost convinced Tom Robbins is God....
Mostly just to have these somewhere.
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[avr. 14e, 2008|07:45 pm] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| | cynical | ] |
i must admit that i am really digging the new madonna and justin timberlake song. i can't help it! it's so damn catchy!
also, anybody else hear about these new over the counter paternity test kits?
seriously. what kind of world are we living in that they needed to make paternity tests more available to the public? isn't that just like, hey girls! be sluts all you want! if you get pregnant, so what? you can just buy an over the counter paternity test to make sure you know which one of your fuck buddies is the father!
they're supposed to be put next to the pregnancy tests. i always found it amusingly ironic that the condoms and pregnancy tests were always next to each other. and now, it's like a whole back up kit. i'm just waiting for them to be packaged together. BUY ONE GET ONE FREE.
oy vey. |
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| another crazy ass dream. |
[avr. 10e, 2008|07:13 am] |
i work at this strange place that sells votive candles and other random knickknacks. the store itself is set up very similar to my family's cabin. my manager is jeremy piven. who is currently being a dick and residing in the house that is in close vicinity to the store. so i'm dealing with all these creepy people who want to buy votive candles to use for seances and stuff. so i have to show them where they are in the store. they're not so bad, but then these really creepy biker looking guys with 666 tattoos and other really creepy things show up. one leaves this mat that has all this queer writing on it, and he leaves. but the other guy who is so very obviously strung out on something lies down and falls asleep. for this i have to call my manager and get him to make the guy leave. but it makes me very nervous. turns out i also work with alyx, this chick i work with in real life at borders. and we have to spend the night in the store. i start out on the couch in the main room, but that creepy guys mat is still out there, and i can see out all the windows in that room. so i end up joining alyx in the other bedroom which has like three beds. we can see the manager from here, and he's jumping on the beds in the house across the way. what a tool.
the rest is hard to follow, i'm misisng bits and pieces. but at some point i get to leave. i think i am going on a date because i'm dressed pretty nicely. it's nighttime. and i'm scrounging around the store that's dark trying to find this pair of shoes and i can't find them. then one of the creepy guys, who's name is james who i apparently know, enters the room through a window and scares the living daylights out of me. and i think there was more regarding someone stealing from the store. or just creepy things happening and there were police officers there and stuff.
god i have such weird dreams. |
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| i really really really like this song. |
[avr. 7e, 2008|02:40 pm] |
fairytale -- sara bareilles
Cinderella’s on her bedroom floor she’s got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don’t come home anymore and she forgets why she came here.
Sleeping Beauty’s in a foul mood for shame she says
None for you dear prince, I’m tired today.
I’d rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming
CHORUS
I don’t care for your fairytale
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden,
though you know she’s only waiting on the next best thing
Snow White is doing dishes again cause what else can you do
With seven itty bitty men?
Sends them to bed and she calls up a friend, says will you meet me at midnight.
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I’ll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows.
CHORUS
I don’t care for your fairytale
You’re so worried 'bout the maiden,
though you know she’s only waiting on the next best thing
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, man made up a story
Said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he’s handsome in hindsight
but I don’t want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls 'round me
Can’t take no more of your fairytale love
CHORUS
I don’t care for your fairytale
You’re so worried bout the maiden,
though you know she’s used to waiting spent her whole life being graded on the
sanctity of patience and a dumb appreciation
The story needs some mending and a better happy ending ‘cause I don’t want the next best thing no no I don’t want the next best thing. |
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| why am i not done with this paper!? |
[avr. 3e, 2008|04:04 am] |
So, i could've just used an old paper from high school because I'm writing about Catcher in the Rye and I definitely have at least two papers on it saved somewhere. But no, I'm writing a whole new paper about a whole new topic. But it doesn't even bother me. I could probably write papers on Catcher in the Rye and read literary criticisms about it forever and never tire of it.
this is why i am a big nerd. |
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| lovely weather we're having, isn't it? |
[avr. 2e, 2008|01:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | apt. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | lame united airlines holding music | ] |
it's spring time, which means the bible thumpers are out and about to warn us that we're going to the fiery pits of hell and damnation. nothing like that to start off your bright spring morning, huh?
i really hate united right now. they take too damn long and i'm just annoyed. i've been on hold for like 20 minutes now. seriously. and i am soooo sick of their holding music. damn them. "thank you for your patience." screw you united.
there is this part of the sidewalk on my daily treks to and from class, right by the t stop, across from the corner of presidential court. and it sticks up a little bit. not a whole lot, but enough to trip over... basically every time i walk past it. seriously. i even remind myself at times to make sure to step up a little so i don't embarrass myself, again, in front of all the people waiting at the t stop, again, or the people walking behind me, again. seriously, almost every day i trip over this little bit of sidewalk. i don't know how i do it. that must be talent right there.
"thank you for your patience." seriously. it's been thirty minutes. it has to have been 30 minutes, at least.
and my delete key just randomly stopped working for about 5 seconds.
today is just one of those days. |
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| gooodness. |
[mar. 26e, 2008|12:19 am] |
texas trip=fun. relaxing. best friend time. hookah. ex-boyfriend. three year old emilee. a 4 hour wait in the memphis airport. chipotle. nice weather. lovely weather. loving on the spencer/hill/coles clan in general.
five weeks until summer.
i'm going to try to cut out fast-food from my diet! erk. wish me luck. i'm also taking vitamins and cutting down on other such bad things for me.
i am trying to read too many books right now. i need to finish sirens of titan. but i want to start one of the three other books i have waiting to read (some advanced copies i got from work and a sociology book about the difference between wealthy and poor schools). but i'm also reading a detective novel for my english class. plus my text book and ethnography for anthropology.
less complaining, more whatever.
and what am i thinking? en francais. i'm turning into a homebody. i keep smelling honey hookah. mixed with a cloud of confusion. i'm dying for a day at the lake. and working on just waiting it all out. my dreams are back to crazy normal. never enough time, you know? but somehow it works out.
yeah. it all just works out in time.
i can't wait until summer. i need a break. the sun, the lake, a beer. just a day of laying out in the sun. god i can't wait. |
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| current status. |
[mar. 12e, 2008|03:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the apt. | ] |
| [ | Humeur actuelle |
| |  studying | ] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | love on the rocks -- sara bareilles | ] |
texas is soooo close.
god i need to get out of this town.
i need a break.
hopefully, other than awesome times, this will bring me some peace of mind.
i could definitely use some of that. |
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| random bits to tie my mind set all together. |
[mar. 9e, 2008|11:32 pm] |
"Appeals to the past are among the commonest of strategies in interpretations of the present. What animates such appeals is not only disagreement about what happened in the past and what the past was, but uncertainty about whether the past really is past, over and concluded, or whether it continues, albeit in different forms, perhaps." -- edward said.
so close to being in texas with audra. i really could use the vacation.
i also spent a wonderful time with my family tonight. we're crazy and silly and embarrassing, but i wouldn't have it any other way. nothing like making fun of our parents, and acting like we're 7 years old in parking lot.
i'm getting it all figured out. somehow. |
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