Lee Adama

creative_muses

2010-01-30T23:20:16Z

January - 1b: Life is a dream walking, Death is a going home. - Chinese Proverb

It’s true what they say about a man only being able to withstand so much before he breaks.

Lee’s been breaking for as long as he can remember, but his recent spacewalk has pushed him towards and over the thin line he’s been straddling for countless years. Every day is a walking nightmare, an endless monotony with little to no hope and routine after routine that was at one time reassuring, but now serves to taunt him. Lee’s hollow, has a pit where emotion should be and exhaustion pulls at him, drowning him and smothering the last light of life he has left.

Lee wishes he’d died out there in the pitch black, that the Raptor hadn’t picked him up and he knows how selfish that is, especially as he can recall Dee’s voice in his ear screaming his name. Living is hard, but dying isn’t. It’s a fact that Lee knows all too well, especially when he catches a pilot with their gun in their mouth and he has to convince them that they don’t want to die.

Gods know

Lee wishes he was dead. He’s just so tired of everyone and everything, including himself. It hurts to breathe, takes too long and Lee feels like he’s drowning in his own apathy. Every day is longer than the last and it never feels like it’s going to end - this constant struggle - and Lee just wants it to end. He wants to be at peace - with people he’s loved and lost - he just wants to stop fighting so damn hard all the frakking time.

He’s living in a nightmare and for a brief moment he was free of it.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 393

theatrical_muse

2010-01-17T14:38:21Z

#318 - What does your future look like?

When the Cylons first attacked, all our futures were uncertain considering out of billions of people only a few thousand survived. The human race became an endangered species in a matter of hours. And then they kept chasing us, meaning we lost more and everybody, even the military hardened of the fleet started doubting that any of us had a future.

The thing about living is that people need hope to keep breathing, need to know that there’s more to life than just living it and one day things will get better.

Thinking about the future was the hardest when we kept having to jump every 33 minutes because the Cylons wouldn’t let us be. Nobody thought we could keep doing it, but we did and after that? Thinking about the future got easier.

It started to get easier to be human again, to hope for better and live for the hope of finding a new home.

New Caprica was supposed to be our new home, a fresh start, our new future, but then the machines came and ruined it again. We had to run, fleeing to the only thing we knew. Now our future - my future - lies with the stars and the endless search for a place called Earth.

Not living in fear of our lives is where humanity’s future lies and I intend on seeing it there.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 231

theatrical_muse

2009-12-25T18:13:54Z

#314 - Write about a memorable family meal

Lee was not much older than Zak when he first started noticing the small things he missed when he was younger: a missing figure at the head of the table, the precariously placed bottle of Ambrosia, the slurred syllables of his mother’s angry tirade about a husband’s inability to be home on time and the rapidly cooling meal that neither himself or Zak could eat because their mother had forbidden from touching it until their father was home.

Fat chance, not that Lee voiced that particular opinion, his mother was already straddling the line separating sober from totally wasted - he wasn’t going to be the one who pushed her over it, he’d never hear the end of it.

Unfortunately Zak hadn’t caught on like Lee and he reached out to steal a potato, barely getting it near his mouth when their mother was on him, long fingers curled around his wrist, nails biting into skin. “What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed, eyes narrowed into angry slits, green liquid sloshing free of the glass clasped in her other hand.

Lee moved quicker than he ever thought possible, extracting his mother’s talon-like nails from around his younger brother’s wrist. “He’s just hungry,” he pointed out. “Shouldn’t he eat if he’s hungry?”

“Not until your father is home!” She snapped, wrenching her hand free of Lee’s grip. “Wouldn’t want him to come home to an empty table, Gods forbid. None of us would hear the end of it, not from the great Adama.”

“That’s not Zak’s fault,” Lee responded as he could practically feel Zak shrinking in his seat. “He’ll just eat enough for himself, I don’t think dad would begrudge him that.”

This inspired a hyena-like cackle from his mother who took great joy in swallowing a mouthful of alcohol. “Oh, of course not! He has paid for it after all. Spends enough time telling me all about how hard he works for everything we have.” She glanced at the children and snorted. “Fine, eat, but you’ll deal with your father when he comes home.” There was a pause and another swallow of alcohol. “If he comes home that is.”

“Fine,” Lee muttered as he turned back to Zak and started to serve him some food, reassuring him that it was okay and dad wouldn’t mind. It was only when he was sure Zak had enough that Lee allowed his attention to drift to the angry mumbling of his mother and the crashing of cutlery and china as she took out her frustration on the kitchen. Again.

Zak looked in the direction of the kitchen and Lee just offered him a smile. “It’s okay, Zak. Mom’s… She’s just a little- There’s nothing to worry about.” He swept some of Zak’s hair back and ruffled it a moment later, directing his attention back to the food. “Go on, dig in, before it gets cold.”

Once Zak was settled and eating happily, Lee braced his shoulders and entered the proverbial lion’s den otherwise known as the kitchen, in the hopes that he might be able to stop his mother from wrecking everything and drinking herself into oblivion.

Nothing like a good old fashioned family meal to make you feel more grown up than your supposed parents.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 553

theatrical_muse

2009-12-11T23:13:03Z

#312 Rerun: #273 "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?" (Who watches the watchmen?)

Whenever the Cylons attack and the old girl fires them out of launch tubes, Lee finds himself wondering how many he's going to lose and if he'll even make it back alive. He likes to think that they'll all make it, but the truth is: they won't. This is a time of war and in every war there are casualties and losses, faces you'll never get back and decisions you'll always regret.

Some turn to the Gods, others to alcohol and some to each other.

The bulkheads of Galactica are littered with the faces of people loved and lost, some on the colonies and others in the heat of battle. The priests have said their prayers, asked the Lords of Kobol to carry the souls of those lost to the heavens above where they might find peace, Lee speaks no prayers and refuses to have any said for him.

Every day after a briefing the pilots file out and touch the picture up on the wall, a long held belief that it will give them good fortune and send tribute to those that have fallen before them, it's tradition more than anything else; something they all learn. Lee watches and hopes that it's true, that what he was told in flight school isn't a load of bullshit and there's something to it.

There's no way of telling if the Gods exist or if there's something to this supposed life after death, but it seems to give people some peace of mind. Lee isn't so sure and it worries him because he's made friends and started to care about these people under his command, he wants to know if there's some truth to all of this so it isn't so hard to send them to their deaths depending on the outcome of the dog fight.

Who watches out for those who watch out for others?

It's taken Lee a while to realise that it isn't the fabled Gods, the alcohol in their glasses or the warm embrace of somebody's arms, it's the commanding officers who make the decisions and live with the consequences. He spends more time sending thoughts to the stars above for the people under his command than he does for himself, telling them 'good hunting' when he actually means 'come back alive'.

It doesn't matter that nobody and nothing is watching out for him because he's watching out for the people he commands, the people he's responsible for and the same people who put their lives on the line every day for the sake of humanity and this fleet.

He'll keep watching until he's too tired and too old to do anything else.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 445

theatrical_muse

2009-12-11T22:22:48Z

Application Topic: #308 - Fireworks

Lee stopped thinking literal explosion of colour and light a long time ago, right about the same time as he met Kara Thrace and then the worlds came to an end.

Fireworks isn't watching a bright fun explosion in the sky, it's watching Kara Thrace swig back too many cups of the Chief's homemade brew and then watching Kat push all the wrong buttons until sure enough there's a fist in somebody's face.

It's watching a Cylon basestar exploding in front of your eyes, the very same eyes that can only watch as the fleet gets further and further away as you drift out of control.

Fireworks is the tempers amongst the civilians, boiling over until somebody does something stupid and somebody gets hurt. It's the anger and bitterness that has infected the entire fleet and it's the powder keg of human emotion.

They're not beautiful anymore, not in the way that Lee remembers. He can only think of explosion of emotion and the uncontrollable sprial of feeling that seems to drive the fleet apart more and more each day.

Maybe he's embittered and maybe he's not feeling all that great after his space walk into absolute oblivion, but he's stopped seeing the good in things and stopped looking for beauty in life.

Fireworks no longer mean celebration or life to one Lee Adama, they just mean that somebody gets hurt and it all ends in tears.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 237

creative_muses

2009-11-21T18:56:41Z

November - 4e: Scuttlebutt

Scuttlebutt is dangerous, it always has been. People make comments about things they don't understand and suddenly reality and truth no longer matter and only the scuttlebutt remains.

Look at this stuff with the Chief and how just because Boomer turned out to be Cylon he must be one because he fell for her.

I encourage the people under my command to avoid listening to and spreading scuttlebutt, but we're only human and it's true what they say about scuttlebutt and how it keeps the mundane from getting to you.

I guess in some way scuttlebutt serves a purpose, not a great one, but a purpose all the same. I just wish the pilots would keep their frakking mouths shut when they're out in the birds, some things are better left on the deck.

Some of the scuttlebutt floating around the Galactica is pretty hilarious though, like the scuttlebutt about Tigh and his wife's clothing or the Doc and that young medic. Other stuff? Not so much and all it does is hurt and damage people.

Like I said before, scuttlebutt is dangerous, especially if it's used in the wrong way and people actually start believing it. That's when the problems start, people get hurt and things get frakked up.

I think Scuttlebutt is better used with caution, but to be honest I don't see that happening, not when we're all human and stuck in a small space with a lot of people.

It's bound to get ugly on occasion.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 250

creative_muses

2009-11-10T23:25:31Z

Application topic: What do you regret the most?

Gods, what don't I regret?

The sad thing is I'm actually being almost serious here. I mean... the Colonies are gone and the rest of humanity is shoved onto their respective ships, all struggling to stay alive and one step ahead of the Cylons.

A lot of things go through your head when you hear that everything and everyone you've ever known has been obliterated in an instant, but none more immediate than the things you didn't do, the words never said and the actions taken that you thought could be forgiven later.

The problem with reflection on the past is that you run the risk of depressing yourself or dragging yourself so far under that you can't get a breath into lungs that are already struggling. Luckily the toasters keep us busy enough that we don't get a whole lot of time to sit back and reflect.

I'm human and a byproduct of that is regretting things that you could have changed if you'd only stopped and thought about them a little longer. Not that it's always that easy, it never is. I guess you fool yourself into thinking you have all the time in the world, but when a bunch of metalfrakkers decide they're going to annihilate your entire race time ceases to be endless. I've done and said some really stupid things in my time and a lot of them I wish I could take back, especially when it comes down to my personal relationships with ~~Kara~~ other people.

I guess the one thing I regret the most is the amount of time, wasted time that I spent hating my father and being angry at him for pushing Zak into something he wasn't ready for. Lord knows I could have spent that time actually getting to know the man that is William Adama, the infamous Commander of the Battlestar Galactica.

Truth be told I'm trying not to regret too many things these days because nobody knows when it's their turn to be sent into the ever loving embrace of the Gods.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 342

OOC

2009-11-10T23:16:43Z

Please note that his journal will be restarting to take part in the creative_muses community.

For muse_channel

2006-11-29T20:28:11Z

Topic for 29/11/06: "What is the one thing you always wanted to say but never did and now regret?"

I never told Zak how proud I was of him.

Always thought I had all the time in the world to say the words but I didn’t and Zak died without knowing how proud I was to be his brother.

I just never wanted this life for my brother, I never wanted him to be a soldier and when he told me he’d joined up and was going through flight school I just knew he didn’t have what was needed but how do you tell your baby brother that he’s not good enough to be a pilot?

Ever since I can remember I'd been responsible for Zak and responsible for keeping him on the straight and narrow and for a really long time I managed but then he got it into his head that he wanted to make our father proud.

Worst mistake he ever made.

Dad planted the idea and it just grew until I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t change a thing, Zak wouldn’t listen to me and Gods did we fight. He just never understood why I wasn’t happy for him and why I didn’t have the same faith in him as everyone else.

Truth of the matter, I never wanted him to die.

Zak, he was carefree and everything I wasn’t and yet I managed to fly with some of the best and he just never got off the ground. It wasn’t his strength, maybe it never was. I just wish he’d known that I said and did the things I did not because I was disappointed but because I cared too much.

I should have told him how proud I was of him and how lucky I was to have him as a brother but I never did and I still regret it.

He was my brother and I loved him.

Muse : Major Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 307

For muse_channel

2006-11-16T02:10:14Z

Topic for 15/11/06: "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." - Sam Ewing

Garner.

He hadn’t been the best Commander but he’d been willing, he’d tried and in Lee’s mind that was all he could have done. Cain had been shot, murdered, and Fisk, well he went the way of all men corrupted by greed.

Pegasus Commanders didn’t have a long life expectancy and Garner was no different from the rest only he died a death worth honouring and remembering but that’s at the end of the story and Lee’s only at the beginning.

He tried, Lee could see it in his every action but he failed with the most basic of things. Command is about people, Garner was too used to working with machines that he lost the ability to connect and understand. He ran the CIC like he would have an engine room and that was his flaw.

At the end of the day, he did his best and he worked hard at what he did and that deserves respect and admiration because he could have easily shirked the responsibility and not even bothered.

Garner didn’t always make the right decisions and he failed in a great many respects but he still made a choice that cost him his life but he saved the ship and the people onboard that ship.

A Commander’s responsibility always lies with his ship and the people onboard that ship and Garner may have realised it too late to change his command but he realised it soon enough to be damn sure he did the one thing he knew how to do.

He gave his life to save his ship, he took that big and final step to ensure that everyone else survived and Lee can respect that. It’s a lot more than what most people would have done if they’d been in his shoes.

You had to respect someone willing to do something like that.

Muse : Major Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 310

OOC

2006-11-11T02:19:40Z

Please note that this journal is restarting and will be taking part in the muse_channel community.

If...

2006-07-07T01:28:42Z

If I hadn’t been given the assignment to the Galactica for her decommissioning ceremony I would have suffered the same fate as almost every other Battlestar and the officers that served aboard them.

I would have died more than likely in a ball of flame. A good way to go in theory but when you’re trapped behind a set of controls you can’t use it’s probably one of the worst ways.

All you can do is watch on as the sharp lines of a Cylon Raider cuts through space towards you, that infernal red eye flashing back and forth and just knowing that there’s nothing you can do.

You’re a victim of your own technology.

If I hadn’t taken my father’s Viper, I wouldn’t have been able to defend Colonial One and Roslin would never have become President and our story would be different. As it is, the world’s a warped place because a motherfrakker like Gaius Baltar is in power.

There are a lot of, “Ifs,” in my life, too many to count and far too many to talk about in one post. A lot of things could be different if I had done something another way but life is this way and I don’t think I have time or the inclination to regret anything.

I made my decisions and I’ll stand by them, for better or for worse.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 230

What makes you angriest?

2006-06-25T00:12:31Z

Lacking any real power to change a situation I feel warrants it.

When you know that things need to change and yet all you can do is watch and let it happen.

Things like the fact we finally found a place to call home, it wasn’t Earth but it was somewhere and for a while things were good and then the frakking Cylons ruined everything for a second time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware of how much responsibility rests on our shoulders because we allowed ourselves to believe that things were okay, we let our guard down but you’d think after two years we’d be allowed that one simple act.

I guess in all of this I’m angry at myself, because I let myself believe that things could be okay. Things weren’t perfect but they were good enough and I allowed myself to accept it, to embrace it and it was like I lost my point of being who I am.

I of all people should have known better.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 171

Loyalty

2006-06-17T18:58:23Z

Loyalty.

One little word with so much wrapped up inside of it.

It’s something that should be earned, honoured and cherished. It’s never given easily and if it is then it probably isn’t true loyalty.

Before the collapse of the Colonies I would say my loyalties lied with myself, my mother and whatever crew I was serving with at the time. After the Colonies, it became to our mission, not to my father because at this time I was still angry at him and I didn’t know anyone well enough to consider myself loyal.

The one person that earned my loyalty was Laura Roslin, for taking on a tremendous responsibility and handling herself well under pressurized circumstances. I was willing to turn my back on a direct order from the Commander, my father, himself.

It’s funny how far you’re willing to go for loyalty, how much you’re willing to give up all for a word you can’t even begin to fathom.

Mine has shifted so many times but one thing has remained true, I’m loyal to myself and my beliefs first before everything and everyone else.

If I don’t feel something’s right I’m going to put a gun to your head and tell you so, frak the consequences

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 208

What does 'comfort' mean to you?

2006-05-26T23:05:15Z

Comfort’s not as simple as we’d like it to be.

I think a lot of us lost what was comfort to us when the Cylons came and our worlds were shaken and people were killed. So many of us were flung headfirst into new territory, running for our lives and living in constant fear that with the next jump we’d be wiped out completely.

In the past, comfort would have been a friend, a lover or a family member but the rules of the game have changed and we’re all just trying to adapt. Comfort is individual to every person, some people take comfort in others whilst others seek out their own company for the comfort that they so desperately need.

Comfort to me means that I don’t have to look over my shoulder and worry about what’s coming next, comfort is knowing that we’ll get there one of these days. It’s also a fickle thing, you’ll feel safe and then the worst thing can happen and all those false feelings of security and comfort are destroyed with one fell swoop.

My idea of comfort used to be my mother, it used to be my constant rise throughout ranks and moving from Battlestar to Battlestar. Now, I guess comfort comes in many different forms and it’s changed a lot as time has passed.

It was laughing with other pilots when we were all off duty, it was flying CAP and talking about all the things we used to love, it was running the corridors with Kara, it was being the CAG.

Now it’s knowing the people under my command will do everything in their power to get us back to where we’re needed to be, comfort is having faith in the people on the planet surface to survive, comfort is having my father at my side and it’s knowing that I have the ability to do something about what’s happening.

Comfort is the promise of a better tomorrow.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 328

Write about your Mother (Or somebody else’s mother.)

2006-05-19T02:04:21Z

Mom was where my world began.

She always used to treat me like I was something special, like no-one and nothing had anything on me. She used to tell me stories, tuck me into bed and reassure me that no matter what she would always love me.

Zak came along and I remember being scared, scared that my mom wouldn’t love me as much as she used to because she had another child. Only she never stopped loving me, I think she could sense my nerves and she made sure I never felt alone or left out.

I know my mom had flaws, we all have flaws. They make us human, even though there was a time when I was pretty sure my mom wasn’t human, I thought for the longest time that she was some kind of ethereal being.

Childhood innocence and devotion but I remember it as clear as day.

When things got rough and she started putting pressure on my shoulders I didn’t hold it against her, my dad was gone and someone needed to look after Zak. She gave me the role of protective big brother, one I took very seriously.

I watched my parents fight and I saw the divorce papers, they didn’t think I was looking but I was, and then my family – the one thing I had always been so sure of was ripped away.

My mother got custody of Zak and I, my father would visit occasionally, busy schedule but mom, she was always there. She didn’t let us down, she was strong and she was determined.

I like to think I’m like her in a lot of ways but Zak, he was a mirror image and sometimes I was jealous of him. I had more in common with my father and that scared me back then.

Then she found someone else and I’ve never seen her so happy, I was too young to remember my parents before the bickering got to be too much. I was happy for her, she was going to find the happiness that she deserved but it didn’t happen.

Frakking Cylons took away her happily ever after, I hate them for that and I hate myself for leaving her behind to die.

I’m sorry, mom.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 378

Perception: Generally speaking, how do you think others perceive you?

2006-04-29T13:24:00Z

People perceive me wrongly a lot of the time.

People see what they want to see and don’t tend to look beyond the surface. Others will never see you the way that you see yourself, their views are and will always be influenced by their relationship with you or what they know of you.

Some people see me as a tight ass with no sense of humour, others see me as the Admiral’s son and the occasional few will see me for who I am. They’ll see beyond the rank and look past the front that’s kept me sane all these years and really see who I am.

We all portray this image of being okay and of being together when really we’re all falling apart in different ways. Some of us are struggling with demons in our present and others are struggling with demons from the past. The key is to never let anyone see you struggle, to maintain your composure and get the job done.

There are some views and opinions more important to me but that’s neither here nor there because I don’t know what they think or even what they see when they look at me. Sometimes I think I know and sometimes I haven’t got the first idea and some days I would like to know and other days where I’d rather live in blissful ignorance.

People change, opinions change, and nothing is ever constant.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 240

What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?

2006-04-08T11:01:46Z

Danger's a part of my day to day routine, I don't consider what I do as something dangerous because if I did that then all these other things would then become a big deal.

I used to fly Vipers and that was considered dangerous and I engaged Cylon Raiders, that is danger in an instant. Now I command a Battlestar and I earned my command in one of the most dangerous situations, a Cylon trap. I've faced a lot of dangerous things in my time and I've managed to survive each and every one.

I think one of the most dangerous things you can do is to trust somebody, to let them into your life and show them your heart. You see letting someone in is a lot harder than flying a Viper or commanding a Battlestar, you have to believe that the person won't hurt you and won't betray the trust you've chosen to show in them. It's personal and that tends to hurt more than anything else, even a gun shot wound and I should know.

So yeah in my opinion the most dangerous thing you can do is to trust somebody else with your life, heart and soul.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 201

Write about your father

2006-03-04T01:21:59Z

It used to be hard, to think about my father and to even consider him as part of me. Beneath my skin and in my veins, but it isn’t as hard as it used to be. Our relationship, it’s better than it was. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect but it’s definitely better.

My father is a man that many look up to, he’s the one that others follow with little question and he’s the protector of the fleet. He took up the mantle long before there was a Pegasus Battlestar and he’s one of the reasons we’re all alive today.

Long ago, my father was my idol.

The hero I expected to be made of gold but found to be tarnished. It was hard to accept, that he had flaws and that he wasn’t as perfect as he seemed to be. It also hurt to know that as much as he loved us, all of us, he couldn’t find it in himself to be our father, my mother’s husband. He was the soldier first and the man second.

I didn’t understand why he was that way back then, I couldn’t. I was so young and my eyes weren’t open. I just saw my mother’s pain and that’s all that really mattered. The fact she was hurting and that Zak was crying. They were my family and he had hurt them. He hurt me.

It wasn’t premeditated, I understand that now.

My father is a complex human being; he does certain things not because he wants to do them but because he has to do them. He’s an Admiral, he has to make decisions he doesn’t want to make and sometimes he has to do things that he doesn’t believe in.

We’re soldiers, people give orders and we follow them.

I truly believed for the longest time that Zak’s death was caused by my father and his view that a man wasn’t a man until he had become an Officer and sat in the cockpit of a Viper. Gods, the amount of times my father would recount his war stories and Zak’s eyes would just light up. The boy really looked up to my father, I think he was compensating for the fact I seemed to have lost any and all faith in our father.

My father’s a good man. He’s strong, capable and willing to stare danger in the face and he doesn’t flinch.

William Adama is a man respected by many and loved by a whole lot more. He’s the calm voice in your ear when you need reassurance and he’s solid - unshakeable. He’s also the only real family I have left and a long time ago it wouldn’t have meant a thing but life’s changed and I value him more than he’ll ever know.

I’ve had his blood on my hands and I’ve felt his life slipping away and I know I can’t do that again and I won’t do that again. I love my father, I’m not afraid to admit that – not anymore, not after everything.

My father’s my commanding officer but he’s also come around to accept that he’s also my father. He’s gotten better at expressing himself and showing me that he cares. I guess all it took was the end to everything.

He’s been through a lot, just like the rest of us.

Each and every one of us has issues, our ghosts and our crosses to bear. My father takes on the problems and he’s always there if you need him.

Nothing’s been easy and he’s managed to survive two gun shots to the chest. My father’s a fighter and he’s a survivor. He sets the example and it’s a hard thing to do and I understand better now that I have my own Battlestar and I’m struggling to be a good leader.

I’ll admit that he has too much pride and that sometimes he makes the wrong decision and he oversteps the line. He pushes too hard and too far but there’s something about my father that redeems all his flaws. He isn’t afraid of admitting when he’s wrong. It might take him some time to come around to the conclusion that he is but once he knows he’s wrong, he does everything in his power to make things right.

I’m more like my father than I ever imagined myself to be, I always strived to be nothing like him because Gods forbid I turned out like him. Only it’s no longer something to be afraid of or even repulsed by. I see that now, I see a lot of things I never have before. To be anything like my father is not something to be shied away from, it’s something to embrace.

He’s been so strong in the face of adversity and I love him in spite of everything, I had a chance to betray him entirely but I couldn’t. I would not do what they were asking of me because I love my father and I had already gone too far.

No matter my sin, my father’s always found it in his heart to forgive me. It’s more than I ever gave him. All those years wasted because of anger and pain but I suppose it takes something like that to appreciate what you have.

My father might not have known the location of Earth when he looked his soldiers in the eye and told them that he knew but the belief he infused into those words alone was enough to make all of us believe. He’s an inspiration and a true leader; he knows what to say and how to command others. He understands people and he’s intelligent, resourceful and adaptable.

Best of all, you can tell he’s proud of us and the effort we make.

He never takes any of us or any of what we have for granted. He always says thank you and makes people feel good because he appreciates them. For some reason beyond logic he has faith in Tigh and he somehow makes the old drunk work like no-one else can. He keeps Kara on an even keel and he gives me hope that maybe I can turn out okay and perhaps even decent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of just how flawed he is but it’s the fact that he strives so hard against those flaws that win him the admiration of so many. He’s got his problems, he’s got things to deal with but he doesn’t let them affect his ability to lead, his ability to be a good commander.

He was going to retire before all of this happened but he didn’t complain, not once. He just sucked it up and he did what he had to do. How many of us can really say that we were able to give up all our hopes and dreams that easily? My father accepts things the way that they are and he’s able to create hope from out of nowhere and he’s able to forge ahead no matter what happens.

I once thought my father was a machine because he was so cold, so distant and I couldn’t read him like I could my mother. He never gave anything away but I remember the kisses he pressed to my forehead when he thought I was asleep, those were hard to forget and difficult to hate even though I vowed to be a good loyal son to my mother.

Only now that I’ve seen machines with my own eyes, I know my father isn’t a machine.

He’s just like me. He has a front that he hides behind. His is Admiral Adama and mine is Commander Adama. Everyone has one because they help us survive. I don’t know what I would do if someone looked past it and saw all of me.

My father is like glue, he holds us together and he’s stronger than anyone I know rivaled only by the President herself. He’s a person I wouldn’t want to be without and I respect him more now than I ever have.

William Adama is real and that’s all that really counts at the end of the day.

I love you, dad.

Muse : Cmdr. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 1,372

Write about an overheard remark or secret that you were not supposed to have heard

2006-02-17T19:35:16Z

Lee was eight when he heard something he shouldn’t. He was smaller than he is now and a lot more naive but things changed on that day. Things changed when he heard his parents talking and the word ‘divorce’ came up. Lee hadn’t really understood the word but he knew that tears were bad and his mother had been crying a lot.

The door had been shut but left ever so slightly ajar and like any curious child, Lee had found his way to the gap and had settled to hear something that had never been meant for his ears. His father was talking in that low voice of his and his mother’s voice kept rising, rawness seemed to infuse every word spoken and Lee could almost feel her pain like it was his own.

He had been too young to understand why his father remained stone-faced and unaffected and his mother crumbled, Lee would later come to hate his father for his hardened outward appearance. There was talk of a trial separation and Lee had been very confused. The boy wasn’t a fool, he had known for a long time that there was something wrong but he couldn’t comprehend why his parents had to be apart.

Why was his mother crying so much? Why wasn’t his father doing anything to stop them?

Lee clutched at the door until his knuckles turned white. Whatever his parents were discussing, it was upsetting for an eight year old to hear even if he was unable to comprehend what it was they were leading towards. There was a finality to the tone of their voices and Lee couldn’t bear it.

Life had never been smooth sailing what with his father away so much and his mother putting that responsibility on his shoulders but never had a young boy imagined that all of that would lead to this. Why weren’t they trying harder? Something was wrong, very wrong. Lee could see that, feel that and he had closed his eyes and tried to will it away but it hadn’t gone away.

Just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, a soft voice from behind him spoke his name and Lee turned his head to find his younger brother Zak. “What’s going on?” Zak asked as he pulled the teddy bear - given to him by his father on his third birthday before he had to leave because someone else needed him – closer to his body.

Nervous eyes shot back to the door before they looked back at Zak and Lee shook his head, “Nothing Zak.” He assured his younger brother, hoping his voice sounded stronger than he felt. One hand moved to catch the door handle to pull the wood back to rest where it should, effectively cutting off both parents and their voices before either one reached Zak’s ears.

Just because Lee had heard something never meant for a child’s ears did not mean that Zak would have to endure the same. Lee was his big brother and had spent a large majority of their childhood looking after his little brother and now wasn’t any different. “You should be in bed,” He remarked to Zak as he took in the black pajamas with the scattered stars. They had been a gift from their grandmother.

“You’re not in bed,” Zak argued petulantly as he wiggled a set of toes against plush carpeting.

Lee rolled his eyes and hurried away from the door to grab his little brother around the waist, “Yes but I am much much older than you.” Lee muttered as his hands attacked Zak’s side and he soon had the smaller boy reduced to fits of giggles. Whilst Zak was caught up in the play, Lee’s eyes went back to the door and eyed it with worry creasing his brow. Worry that was misplaced on a boy his age.

“Stop! Stop!” Zak shouted desperately, his voice breathless and entire body crumpled over and relying entirely on his big brother’s arms to hold him up.

Lee smirked and blue eyes took on a faint gleam, “Promise to go right back to bed if I do?”

Zak scrunched up his nose, pouted and then looked set to say no until Lee waggled his fingers menacingly in his direction and he folded like a pack of cards. “Okay! Just don’t tickle me anymore! It’s not fun...” The last part was a lie but Zak never liked to be told to do something if he didn’t want to do it.

“Liar, liar, pants on fire...” Lee began to sing until laughing when Zak pulled a face and tried to wiggle free with a pleading tone in his voice. Eventually Lee took mercy on Zak and released his grip but made sure to ruffle his hair and turn him in the direction of his bedroom. “Bed now,” He said in a tone of voice he seemed to have inherited from his father and one that welcomed no questions.

Zak went but not before turning and sticking his tongue out at Lee.

Lee retaliated by doing the exact same thing whilst throwing in a goofy expression. His jovial mood lasted as long as it took for Zak to disappear until the façade disappeared and Lee looked back at the door with a haunted expression.

There were some things an eight year old was just never meant to hear.

Muse : Capt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 901

What is the greatest sacrifice you have made for love?

2006-01-21T02:01:49Z

[Response Locked From Kara]

I walked away.

Swallowed up everything I felt and dealt with being just friends.

It wasn't meant to be, she was with someone else and she obviously loved them very much. It would have been selfish for me to open my mouth and I would have hurt someone close to me. It's unacceptable in any situation especially if it can be avoided.

I made the sacrifice for the both of them, they were good together and the ring on her thumb remains as a testament to what was and how good it happened to be.

Happiness is fleeting and by walking away I enabled them to experience it completely. It hurt and it still hurts to stand on the line and watch but you do what you have to make sure your friends are happy and I know it's better this way.

And after everything, I realise that life's too short and even if you can't be happy, there's no point ruining it for everyone else.

The greatest sacrifice that can be made for love is for you to walk away and let the one you love be with someone else. I'm getting better at it though I admit to having a slip or two along the way, no-one's perfect.

If we were, we'd be nothing more than the machines that are hunting us to extinction.

Muse : Lt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 227

Write a letter to anyone about anything. Say what you have always wanted to say but have been afraid

2006-01-16T22:13:27Z

Absolutely anyone about absolutely anything?

I guess I'd write a letter to ..~~my father~~ .. ~~Kara~~ ..myself. To the man I was before the Cylons came and the world as I knew it was ripped away in front of my eyes so here goes.

The Letter

Hey Lee,

I suppose you're looking at this and wondering who this is from and believe it or not, it's from you ...only a future version, a man that's seen what's to come and knows you're in need of guidance. Trust me when I say this, life isn't always going to be the same and you won't always have what you have now.

You're going to be burning a lot of bridges, a lot of it out of pain and hurt but you'll need those bridges to survive what's coming. I learnt the hard way, I don't want you to have to find out that way. If anything, I want you to have a second chance that I didn't get until ..everything was over.

Life is going to start being difficult when you're a kid, your parents are going to fight and it's going to be painful to watch and to hear. You're going to want to take sides, going to want to look after your mother but try to keep an open mind. There are two sides to every story. It'll be hard to do because it won't appear like your father cares about you or the family but remember that he keeps coming back and he was the one who picked you up when you first fell off your bike. He may not be as expressive as a lot of fathers out there but he does love you.

I sound corny, I realise this but you'll understand why in a couple years.

Relationships break down, it's inevitable ..try not to hold your father personally responsible, it's as much your mother's fault as it is his. Zak will be too young to understand all of it, you're going to be a model big brother. You're going to protect him through whatever comes but eventually, you won't be able to protect him from everything. He'll want to be a pilot, not because it's his dream but because you're one and your father before you was one. He wants to follow in the family line and trust me, the pair of you will fight like cat and dog about his decision.

It's not that you don't trust or have faith in your brother, it's because you're afraid for him, you're afraid of losing him. You know how hard it is to fly a Viper, you understand how much strength it takes to get the damned bird to do as you want it to do. You might have the call sign of Apollo but you've crashed and burned enough times to know just how hard it is to be a Pilot. You might have been born to be in a cockpit but it didn't happen overnight, it took you a long time to earn your rank and you just don't want your little brother to fall like you did over and over again. Just because people don't see doesn't mean it hurts any less than it does.

A woman's going to come into Zak's life, she's going to be ..brash, impulsive and utterly frustrating. She'll have this devil-may-care kind of attitude and she'll be known as Kara but better known as Starbuck. Zak is going to fall head over heels and whether you want to or not, you can't help but like her. She's good for your brother, makes him feel good and eventually she'll have a ring on her finger and Zak's going to be like a kid before Christmas.

Now, this is the important part ..whatever happens, do not fall for her. Just don't, your life will be a lot easier if you can manage to stop yourself.

She's going to do something dumb, something you won't know about until two years too late when you've lashed out at the man you think responsible for what happens to Zak. Zak's going to die, you won't be able to stop it but Lords knows it's going to hurt like hell. You won't be able to see past it for a while and when you do, you'll be looking to blame someone ..anyone for Zak's death.

It's mostly your own guilt for not keeping him safe driving you on and in amongst the pain, you'll pull away from both your father and Kara. You won't see them for years and you think you're okay with it but truth be told, you're not. It's a shame that it'll take the end of the worlds to bring you and your father back together, that it will take nearly losing him for you to understand just how much he means to you.

Just don't waste a lot of your time with anger, be sure to take advantage of having time with your father before life fraks up and things become complicated. Also? The assignment to the Galactica decommissioning ceremony is the best assignment you will have ever gotten, don't bitch ..just go and be happy that you're alive when you could be dead.

There's a hell of a lot more to say but I don't want to give everything away. Life is about surprises be them good or bad, I don't want to take away the suspense and quite possibly take away the appeal of living day to day. Stay true to who you are, support the President and be sure to let your father know how you feel about him and if you can, keep Kara close and be her friend.

And if the days seem bleak and the nights too long, remember that ..you're fighting for something worthwhile.

From,

A man who has seen enough to know better

Muse : Lt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 979

What does "karma" mean to you?

2005-12-22T02:35:33Z

Given the circumstances, you could say that humanity is reaping its fair share of "karmatic" justice.

We played God when we created the very machines that sought to destroy us and there's always a price to pay for that kind of arrogance.

I don't sympathise with the Cylons nor do I forgive or even forget what they've done to us but I suppose in a way, we've only ourselves to blame. You can't play God and not hold to your responsibilities. My father once told me that a man takes responsibility for his actions, be them right or wrong, a man accepts the consequences and lives with them.

Truer words have never been spoken, humanity's failing was that we didn't do this, we made the Cylons and then didn't take responsibility for them. If this isn't karma biting us in our rear end then I really don't know what is.

Muse : Capt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 150

What's the thing you most regret NOT saying?

2005-12-03T06:07:37Z

"Would you miss me, sir?"

One simple question and I didn't say the words I should have, instead I said "I need every pilot I have. Even the screw-ups." when I should have said : "Yes I would."

Should have said the words, should have stopped being angry for one frakking second and just been honest with her, maybe things would have gone differently.

I just wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me only without really knowing she had, I really wanted her to feel what I felt. I couldn't see past my own feelings to admit the truth to her, to admit that I'd miss her and that I wanted her.

If I could, I'd go back, stop myself for one micron and make myself think, what means more to me?

Her?

Or my jumped up feeling of ..pride?

They say that pride comes before a fall and they weren't kidding around.

Muse : Capt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 155

Write a letter to yourself as a child

2005-11-26T15:17:23Z

I will not write a letter to myself as a child.

With all that I know and all that I've been through, any letter I would write is liable to make the child version of me want to kill himself.

Do I really want to strip away my childhood hope, do I really want to condemn the child version of myself to a life of knowing what is going to happen and a life of knowing that he will have no power to stop it?

And what point is there to writing a letter to yourself as a child? All you do is remember the mistakes, the things you didn't quite get right and you'll just rehash the past, not the best thing to do especially if you want to pursue a future.

I've been through so much, the human race has survived so much, I don't feel any want or desire to ..write a letter to myself as a child because I remember having an optimistic outlook on life, I remember imagining that the days would get better ...and I remember when all of that changed. I don't want to write this letter because I want the child version of myself to enjoy the innocence I enjoyed when I was younger.

This is one letter I won't be writing.

Muse : Capt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 220