I'm not entirely sure if I want to answer this question as it might reveal a little too much about me and about what I thought and felt all those years ago. And when I say years, I really mean years.

I once wanted something so badly that I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and I couldn't concentrate and I'm not sure if it was healthy for me. Healthy for my heart's desire to possess so much of my attention and I guess I didn't think that it was as I did nothing about it and let someone else have it, her. I stood back and watched as another man romanced her and held her as she cried. Not that she cried a lot, she'd rather die than cry in front of anyone.

It's hard to imagine how my life might have been different if I had taken a risk and had taken her for myself. I know one thing for sure, my brother would still be alive, and he wouldn't have died in that crash. I also know I wouldn't have spent a large majority of my life on my own, distant from people and occasionally indulging in the brief fleeting relationship here and there.

Maybe I would be more open with my feelings? Or maybe I would be a totally different person? But at the end of the day, I didn't have what my heart desired and I'm not even sure if I have it now. Not after Baltar. That one kiss, the confession of love, I don't know if it's what I want it to be or if it was just the actions of two people desperate for something or anything to hold onto.

Nothing could change what happened with the Cylons and no-one could have predicted it so my life would be the same in that way but just maybe if I had had what my heart desired, I wouldn't have gone through it, alone.

But there's no point looking back and wishing for the things you didn't have, I prefer to live in the present and enjoy what I have now.

Muse : Capt. Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica (New TV Series)
Word Count : 355