So Jeff pretty much has cut me out of his life.
He won't take my calls...won't even acknowledge me.
At least I know I'm healthy and I can move on...
But I still cannot believe how foolish I was, how regardless of how obviously flawed his character was, I would continue to waste my time on him. I still continue to waste my tears on him and I just don't/can't let him go. I wish I could, but I was hoping he'd finally be...a man. I thought maybe he'd treat me better now considering he got reamed by horrible karma. I thought maybe things were okay. I thought he would make ammends like he said he would try to. But I guess in the end it didn't matter. She was the only thing that mattered.
Still, I wake up anxiety ridden. Despair and panic seem to be my only emotions here. I want to go confront him after work Saturday, but I don't know. I could end up just making things worse. I already called three times/texted twice. And he knows if he's reading them how confused and lost I am. I thought we would talk after exams being friends and all? But I should know better. Has he ever honored any obligations other than his own needs/conclusions/ etc? No. So why would he now? I thought maybe once he saw everything like he did/ without a job, without a fully functional car/declining grades/ he could see how we all are flawed.
I guess not.
I can't seem to just tell myself this isn't my fault/ I'm not to blame for his cruelty. I just wish I had let him known when I could have the full extent of the pain he caused. He had to have known how much I had fallen for him. Unless he still figured I was some meaningless slut. But regardless of the physical nature of our relationship their was undeniably a high degree of mental connection. Their was. I felt it, it was was so strong, and even if he denied it, he knew it was there. Now I feel like I'll never feel this way about someone. I can't help but feel I lost out. I should of been better. Maybe I could of shined somehow. Or maybe I never had a chance. I should look at it this way. But I dont.
I can't believe since me and justin broke up how wretched I've become. I thought I could finally start anew, but my life has been so fractured and now I can't even contact him. I've been abandoned by everything.
I just feel so lost, and I feel like I'm screaming for someone to help me. Because I don't think I can help myself any longer.
I truly feel (and I'm sorry to be so pathetic) that I'm going to end up doing something irrational unless I get some type of closure. I need this. I don't think I'll be sane if I don't. Then again I'm already not.
I know I don't want to be alone. So I call people. But I know I don't really want them to listen. I want him to listen.
I just want to be free, escape. Will anyone help me?
I just want...to be free of all this guilt.
God, please help me. Please.