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So I sent a Backstreet Boys song to Noah, because it so accurately described how I feel and now he has checked it and I'm like flipping out, because WHO DOES THAT?!? Am I 12 year old girl? What in the actual fuck was I thinking? He isn't going to respond and I'm just going to be the laughing stock of everyone he knows.

Fucking Backstreet Boys. I can't even believe I allowed myself to do that. At least I should have done something less...gay. Embarrassing myself for absolutely nothing, but more rejection and pain.


Jul. 4th, 2013

I will live with this pain and he will never talk to me. I need to write this about a thousand times. Maybe it will lessen the pain.

May. 20th, 2013

I wish I didn't miss him still. Just wish he would make this all better. Never gonna happen.

It's so insane. I thought by now things wouldn't still hurt like this. I feel like I won't ever get over it. Why does his name still hurt? Why do I still want him to come to my door, apologize to me, and make me his again? I know this isn't very good for progress, but I've tried everything. Flirting with other guys who are into me. Trying to make dates. Focusing on Piper, work, and school. It doesn't seem to matter at all. He's over there just fine, I'm sure and I'm here miserable as hell.

If there is a God I hope he takes mercy on me, because I can't take all this. I don't eat enough, I shop too much now, and I'm severely depressed. I pretend I'm alright, but I'm just not.

Apr. 22nd, 2013

I always come back to this dark place. My heart can't move on. It still hurts all the time. I feel like hope won't ever return. I just want this to end.

He wasted my money, time, and left me in the dark. He isn't worth the air he breathes. I've graduated to hating him.

Mar. 17th, 2013

I just want to stop relapsing. To go from feeling okay to feeling like I can't live without him. He's never coming back so I have to. I need someone to keep telling me that so my heart will believe it. My acne cleared up, but it was worth the stress. I miss Noah but will never have that chance to tell him.


I really don't like my life right now. I don't feel like I can trust Noah. Or that he really will be faithful. He told me on Wednesday night that he was going out with 'some people.' I knew by the tone and level of secrecy that Beckie would be there. Then he tells me Thursday he really doesn't know about going, because ta daaa Beckie will be there. Friday he ends our phone conversation since he's at the bar. He also didn't call me on his way to work. I don't think I can be with him anymore. I had him cancel the nice dinner he was going to take me to and I'll wait and leave the things I got him and his clean clothes at his place when I know he isn't there.
I just can't be invested anymore when his actions make no sense to what is coming out of his mouth. He can go back to fucking Beckie and drinking. I'm too bitter and untrusting for this.


I love Piper so much. Her smiles and talking just melt me every time. She loves to say "momomomom." It's funny how one little girl can spread so much joy wherever she goes. She's my miracle baby. =]