Fucking Backstreet Boys. I can't even believe I allowed myself to do that. At least I should have done something less...gay. Embarrassing myself for absolutely nothing, but more rejection and pain.
If there is a God I hope he takes mercy on me, because I can't take all this. I don't eat enough, I shop too much now, and I'm severely depressed. I pretend I'm alright, but I'm just not.
I just want to stop relapsing. To go from feeling okay to feeling like I can't live without him. He's never coming back so I have to. I need someone to keep telling me that so my heart will believe it. My acne cleared up, but it was worth the stress. I miss Noah but will never have that chance to tell him.
I really don't like my life right now. I don't feel like I can trust Noah. Or that he really will be faithful. He told me on Wednesday night that he was going out with 'some people.' I knew by the tone and level of secrecy that Beckie would be there. Then he tells me Thursday he really doesn't know about going, because ta daaa Beckie will be there. Friday he ends our phone conversation since he's at the bar. He also didn't call me on his way to work. I don't think I can be with him anymore. I had him cancel the nice dinner he was going to take me to and I'll wait and leave the things I got him and his clean clothes at his place when I know he isn't there.
I just can't be invested anymore when his actions make no sense to what is coming out of his mouth. He can go back to fucking Beckie and drinking. I'm too bitter and untrusting for this.
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