:-)

Chrissy and I are doing great. I think we both finally realized how much we really love each other and we've been working hard to get past all our problems. She soothes my soul, as cheesy as that sounds, and even with all the shit she pulled in the beginning, I love that girl to death. We've been through so much individually and as a couple in the past two years and although I didn't understand it initially, I've now come to see that it's made us stronger than I ever could've imagined. I've forgiven her--finally--and I'm at peace with our past. She makes me happy and I don't ever want to imagine my life without her. Let's just say this next month could be a very... "life changing" one. ;-)

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. It was my 19th birthday last week, which was fucking AMAZING. It's my baby's birthday on May 22--the big 2-3. She and I are going to Niagara Falls and Toronto the first week of June and then on June 10, we're taking a road trip to Cincinnati Gay Pride because my second true love, Alix Olson, will be performing. If anyone is planning on going, let me know.

For once, I actually have good news. What a magnificent feeling that is. :-)

I'm having a really hard time right now.

It's hard to change when I'm stuck in this caste system of what society, my past, and my genetics have molded for me. I think I know what I want, I just can't quite attain it. I'm scared. Being queer, let alone trans, is scary when you're in the Midwest. I don't know who I am right now. I'm floating between who I was and who I want to be. I can't regress or progress. I'm at a stalemate with myself and my soul. I'm hidden in plain sight and I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel as if I'm betraying a part of myself.

I'm trying to sort through this all, I'm trying to figure out what my desires truly are and what ones have been ingrained into me. I don't know where to go. I'm elated when I pass without even trying, when I can walk into the men's restroom without a second glance and when I'm called "sir" at a grocery store. But at the same time, a small, feeble voice is protesting deep inside of me. My femininity feels betrayed. I don't know everything about being transgender and I'll never claim to. I don't know how others feel or what they experience within, but I am still in touch with my femininity. I'm not feminine, that's for sure. But it's still there. It feels out of place, but I'm unable to rid myself of it. My biology is all wrong. I'm trapped inside of the body I was born with and it seems as if I'll never escape.

I've been running away from my pain all of my life and I've finally realized that it's impossible to run away from myself.

I don't know who I am anymore. The only word I can use to describe myself is

genderfuck.

In the comments, tell me anything. A secret, a lie, a confession, a memory, a joke, something you hate, something you like, anything. Just do it anonymously.

"You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true.
We are just learning how to smile and that's not easy to do.
We both live for the day when we can run away...
No I will never let it break your heart,
I will never let it break me.

Five miles outside of Vegas, five years down the line
we'll get married in the desert and the sunshine.
I can't handle all the hell, it happens every day
but when you smile and touch my face you make it all just go away.

Yes I know there ain't no finish line, I know this never ends
but I'm just learning how to fall and climb back up again.
I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new...
we are just learning how to live together, me and you.
You know I live for the day
when you say 'baby let's just run away...'

We can leave this place and run away,
oh baby let's just run away..."



Am I doing the right thing???