I don't normally post much about my emotions in this blog, but I am trying to be more real and I'm not sure anyone actually reads this, so here goes.
Graduating is really scaring me, but yet getting to graduation seems almost impossible at times. I don't mean that I'm suicidal, which I realize that could sound like, I mean that finding the energy and motivation to accomplish necessary tasks is getting harder and harder, I just don't care.
I spend almost all my time at home in my room with the door closed. It could be said that I am isolating except for the fact that I am never home. However, when I am home I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I have done almost no homework this semester, and of what I have done I've done maybe 10% of it at home. I can't seem to find the energy even to do simple tasks like wash the dishes or cook food, coming out of my room seems like so much effort.
If a client presented me with those symptoms I'd immediately suspect that they were depressed, and maybe I am. No one fits all the symptoms of anything perfectly, and there are plenty that are missing for me. Most obviously is the overarching nature of depression, and that doesn't fit here. When I am at practicum I have energy, laughter, fun, I get tasks done on time and ahead of time, and I am genuinely myself, it's not an act I am putting on in order to get good marks. And though I'm not doing my work at home, I'm getting it all done on time and my grades are maybe half a letter grade normal then usual, but since I've only gotten two papers back it's hard to judge.
And yet, I feel so overwhelmed. I think about two things. Graduating and sleeping. Someone from church told me I have "senioritis", they're probably right. Either way though, it's getting ridiculous. So, tomorrow I am getting up. That is a challenge in itself, but I will do it. I am putting in a load of clothes, i seriously, seriously have to. And I am washing dishes. Even one sink full will be an accomplishment although I need to do many more. Today my only home accomplishment was febreezing the air. Granted, I had a thirteen hour day with practicum/school, but still. The house stuff must go on, right?
I stayed home from a meeting last night because I was just so tired and overwhelmed. There was no way I could go and make a meaningful contribution. I wound up sending the entire night catching up on emails I needed to send and things I needed to do for church. I didn't manage to touch my school work or the house. It was the perfect opportunity, but I didn't have it in me.
I need to start applying for jobs. I have two for sure I am applying for. Unfortunately that means writing cover letters. I have a resume. I also have a HUGE project due Monday I haven't started. I need to do a portfolio thing for social work and a reflection to go with it. And a bunch of stuff about writing my personal mission statement and stuff. I don't know when, or how I'm going to do it because I seem to already have a zillion commitments for the Easter weekend. It doesn't really matter though, because if I stayed home I wouldn't do it anyway.
Of course all this might be better if I could sleep, but I have horrible insomnia. Even when I am exhausted I wind up not able to sleep, yet I'm so tired I can't accomplish things during this time when I'm not asleep. Friday I was up until 6AM. I've talked to my doctor and we're working on things. I have some sleeping pills, zopiclone if any one cares, but I don't really like them and I don't like taking them very often. And it's so hard to predict when I'm not going to be able to sleep, although lately it seems to be every day.
So in conclusion, I don't know what to do. Life has to continue in the 40 days left until grad. And really, I have no assurance things will change afterwards so I really have to get on top of things now. I am setting an alarm for a reasonable time that is not too early and not too late and I AM getting up. I AM. And that is step one. We'll see about the rest of life.