my never never land

hmm

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 07:42:49 GMT

ive been such a homebody lately, I don't really want to leave my home and i just like to lay in bed all the time. Sometimes I'm happiest not saying one word to another person, the silence is so beautiful.

I don't feel anything, and I thought that had to do with the smoking but here I am five days sober and still not feeling a thing.

I forget when I'm sober I'm numb. Maybe thats where the sadness sits, the bottom of cheap wine.

I want my fire back, that thing that made me who I am. I haven't been sad or angry at all. Just in existence. My books have been perfect. I forget how much I love to read, then the books suck me back in. I just love my lonliness right now. Is that why I don't miss my family or friends? Because I get a sick joy out of my alone. I lay in bed and think so hard I can't watch a movie or listen to a song play. I have so much I should be doing right now, but this bed and this comfort are all I can think to enjoy. Gluttony maybe, most of all.

I don't long for the first time in such a long time, this content feeling is so unusual.

Roommates

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 08:46:48 GMT

so i've been living with these people for a few months

they haven't been the easiest to get along with but after continuously getting my dog sick and asking them to stop doing whatever it was that they were doing to make him sick they wouldn't stop. I come home and there is dog vommit and poop all over the house along with all the garbage in the kitchen and strewn across the living room. I lost it. I wrote an angry letter and went to bed.

it read

"if you cant handle watching the dog while I'm gone don't just lock him out of your roomm. THis is the olny time he gets into the trash and then gets sick. You lock in the kitchen and call me so I can have somebody come by and pick him up who will actually pay attention to him. He has yet to ever get into garbage when I'm home so maybe you guys can't be trusted to watch an animal. I don't appreciate you both just leaving the mess for me either simply because YOUR actions caused it. I thought before adopting the dog we agreed to share the efforts and that it would be OUR dog and these minimal efforts don't reflect those promises. "

SO they put an ad on craigslist without even consulting me with my personal information. My address, name, school I went to, major and all about my dog. I try to talk to them about it, they said I'm cruel and condescending and they can't live with me and instead of talking to me about it they felt it was more mature to put an ad up and see who responded.

It says in our lease we can't sublett or we'll face eviction

Can somebody else make a judgement call? I truly gave my most unbiased version possible cause I really want feedback.

ex boyfriend haunt

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 08:24:55 GMT

i was pulling all the magazines off my wall and saw what you had written. Jamie 17, my angel forever, etc. etc.
I'm glad the walls are being painted. all you did was haunt. I wanted nothing to do with you after all that much and looking back all i saw was how nnnnnniiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhh eeeeeeeevvvvvvvvveeeeeeee i could be. Congrats for always tricking me.

Eli was a popular conversation starter on saturday. He's amazing, I love eli but it didn't work out. Maybe down the road, but it just didn't. I need more understanding. I know how perfect we were for each other and so on and so forth but it was a great example of too much waaaaaay too fast.

Danny dear. We are not together and you insisting I owe you anything more than pleasant conversation is hurtful. Delete my pictures, and forget me. You are not good for me, and in that our perfect understanding of each other.

Adam. I'm sick of my friends being your firends, I hate hearing your name and who you hook up with. I don't care and it just angers me how you have faced no consequences for everything you have done while I'll have my second surgery in two weeks. I just feel jealousy towards the nothingness you deal with.

Rant...

I can't wait to return. Being pale and cold and with my dearest and my family. I don't feel like I'm home. it was so great to see my tesscapade and pooh and everybody else but this just isn't my life any more.

comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:53:18 GMT

Love is my bad habit

Its a mutilating decision that will only end poorly. I swore we weren't going to fall and here we are. Laughing at all hours of the day, kissing through anger, and staring. There has never been something so beautiful as to have his eyes hold my eyes for too long moments. I feel so guilty ...

He will leave for school and I will find somebody new and it will be the product of bad timing. I can here his phone call that will sink my heart. I'm sorry he will whisper and I will cry a goodbye before clicking him out of my life. He promises it wont happen. I promise it wont happen. But isn't that the cycle? One of us will break the other in half and it will end the others world and that will be that.

Maybe thats love, the leap of faith that the other person wont crush you. Have I ever trusted like i trust him? To debate trust would be to debate the love itself. Could one honestly ever compare past loves to the current? No.

Summer school is fun. Really interesting classes but no dean's list for me. My second semester greatly slaughtered my GPA

My new apartment is adorable. I'm in love with the idea of a home to call my own. Well, my grandmothers more than anything but its slowly becomming mine. A bed will arrive soon, but I don't mind sleeping on the floor.

Work? I work at Bare Essentials. I love it. Who would have thought that I would be a make up artist? We make tips as well!

All you fuckers who claimed to visit me, lies!

My dreads are fantastic.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:38:48 GMT

He told me he loved me, that same day Danny called me.
Why does everything work this way? I can't have feelings for him, I know I miss the idea of him not what is actually there, but the idea is just so nice. At least I didn't go home for the summer, this would have made the probability of an us much more.... realistic? I was sucked back in after two weeks, imagine three months.

Why do boys always fall in love? I care about him so much but love is a bit much. We've only been official for a month. I tried to talk to him, this whole communication bit I'm testing out, but I'm spineless. Maybe the four month build up has something to do with this whole thing. Or I always seem to find puppies. I'm his second girlfriend, also what probably made him love. ARG!

My roommate is evil incarnate. She's so spoiled, she makes celebrities look poor. Her father is a huge diplomat in Russia and her mother is a biochemical something or other at a university here. She's this little child I feel responsible for, and she never leaves me alone EVER! My only safety is hiding at Kevin's where she often follows and almost cries when I don't go back to our place with her. She is so dependent on the people around her, and as much as I tell her I need my alone time she doesn't get it. Its weird telling somebody what you want, having them completely agree and even elaborate on what you say to better show their understanding of your feelings and then act inversely. *stab*

Last semester didn't make dean's list, but summer school seems probable. I'm taking human sexuality and really understanding my body and the dangers in premiscuity. WRAP IT BEFORE YOU TAP IT! And please ladies, get Gardasil (sp?) the HPV vaccine before its too late. I have to get another part of my cervix frozen off and while its only minor discomfort I just fear its getting worse and worse. Also taking Endangered Cultures, LOVE. I may turn into an anthropology major, the class affects me so deeply. I also want to flee the country, but only time will tell ;)

Next half of summer will be Greek and Roman Mythology and Color and Design. Should be easy.

I work at bare essentials now. AMAZING! I can take home 6 eyeshadows a day and I get free brushes and when new products come out I get them to better understand my product. I never wore make-up but now, how could I not?

Life is amazing, thats all there is to it.

Mon, 12 May 2008 04:27:36 GMT

alfkjavneoialfn

my sisters didn't even say happy mothers day to my mom. She's sitting at home crying because theyre selfish. My mom does so much for them and all they can do is stand her up? They thrashed the entire house then stand her up to clean their mess on mothers day. I can't see why people are so hurtful.

I have a boyfriend.

I have no job

I have so much that words will only fall short to explain what an amazing life I lead, but please go hug your mom's because I'm 500 miles away and can't hug mine.

an update?

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 08:56:49 GMT

I really want so many new piercings...

orbital, tragus, vertical industrial, nape

thinking about adding dread extensions as well, I really miss my long hair! Otherwise they are coming along nicely.

1st week

3rd week (a month on friday!)

I'm still trying to figure out a way to not have to go home for summer. I found a few really nice rooms but I need to talk to my grandmother about staying up here. She doesn't understand how my life is in SF. Once my life is stationed here, I wont have to worry about getting a job or starting instruction on my belly dancing. If I stay up for summer so much will be open to me. I love looking for rooms though, and dreaming about how I'll decorate. So excited!

Hooray for the stomach flu, it makes me skinny :)

School is getting so difficult. I feel like I do hours of homework and never get close to seeing the end of it. This semester I wont be getting dean's list and I'm really disappointed. I've never had school be a challenge before but maybe thats why they call it college. I think I'm getting a C in politics. :( B in Philosophy but maybe an A. Same with Spanish. A in Oceanography Lab and either a B or an A in Math. My Math class stopped making sense so I'll be happy with a B. I know its almost over though, and I can't wait for the break.

Love life is going pretty well, I like having somebody I'm seeing who isn't ultra clingy for once. We both have lives outside each other and get along with each others friends. Even our friends like one another! He has goals, he works really hard and is completely independent. AND ASIAN! Its nice dating somebody who isn't in love with me, and likes taking things slow. I'm gonna be his longest relationship... more than two months.

For once I'm the insomniac, and my poor roomie is probably irritated and my clicking keyboard! I wish she weren't such a light sleeper

New artwork, pretty good if I toot my own horn.

Life is pleasant.

waiting for james

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:54:52 GMT

I really need to learn how to better confront people. Maybe we can chat on our car ride to heaven but here is a place to organize my thoughts.

My sunburn was horrid yesterday, but it has already evolved into a golden tan. Too bad I need to get the other side of my body now.

spring break has been really dull, but thats my fault as I blew off three or so people.

I watched so much television my brain is bleeding. I love how you complain about participation in recreational mind fucks but television is what rots the creative soul.

reading valley of the dolls, love.

a week is just enough time to appreciate my life in SF

pixie hair to commence in a few days, so excited.

crumble

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:59:43 GMT

why when things go so well for a really long time do I hit a wall....

another abnormal pap, I may need another splice to the cervix

danny keeps trying to but back in to my life no matter how hard I try to be done

laughing dragon is self destructing

my tattoo was supposed to be completed this friday but my father decided to drop in the city despite my homeward bound two days later

my dreads were finally taking but like and idiot i conditioned them in the shower last night and they all fell out

school is going ok but for all my effort im not doing terribly well

my roommate is constantly sick because she refuses to eat an animal and likes to infect me

I'm poor because nobody wants to hire a full time student. FIVE DIFFERENT PLACES HAVE SAID COME BACK WHEN MY AVAILABILITY OPENS UP.

I just want to dance my problems away... I'm seeing somebody new but he works full time and goes to school full time so i only see him three days a week and I'm terrified to cheat with Danny when I go home. You may meet him cause he's going home *san clemente* for spring break and we may have a day together.

ATTENTION!

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:27:25 GMT

My roommate is human, and we had a group cry last night.

Our love lives seem to parallel each others. We both met somebody at the same time. Pushed them away until they finally proved worthy to let in. We laughed and were barely home for a month or so then all of the sudden both of them tell us they have become super busy and need to focus on school. THE SAME EXACT REASON!

Last night we cried about losing our serious boyfriends once we came to college and realizing what a huge mistake it was because all other boys are complete ass faces.

Its wierd, I'm more happy about the situation because we have grown closer but of course I'd prefer us to bond over happiness.

So how to you let go of a guy you were sure was amazing? You still aren't convinced they have anything wrong other than too much going on in their lives but you wish you could hate them because its easier than rejection.

Good thing I have other things to fill my time with, and I'm getting over it, but it still sucks.

TO sum it all up...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:26:52 GMT

Danny and I are not speaking, except on the rare occasion something reminds me of him so much I text him. This either results in us talking about how much we miss the other one and how hard it is to get over the other one despite all our efforts, or an mkay response. I really think we just need to be together when we see eachother but not when we aren't. I probably wont see him until summer, but maybe by then I'll be over it.

I cannot find a job to save my life. At four different stores they have told me I have an impressive resume and personal style but I don't have a schedule they can work with. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I guess taht what I get for not getting a job last semester.

Because I can't get a job I will be coming home for summer and working my ass off. My plan is a waitressing job.

My poi and I are being reunited and because of my lack of practice I kinda suck again.

Eli can't be bothered to return my text messages and it kinda makes me feel like were not friends anymore.

I went running for the first time yesterday in forever and my lungs burned so bad not only am I venturing to the health center but am no longer engaging in smokey treats

I"M LOSING WEIGHT!!! So happy.

I may have enough money to get my next tattoo fill soon, but we shall see.

I'm seeing this guy who is really sweet but we never get to see eachother. He's really old...

My philosophy teacher loves my sense of style and I have a personal bond with my Oceanography lab teacher. Hes a gay j-rocker who loves that I have purple hair.

My grandmother may have breast cancer, but is being really secretive about the whole thing, STRESSING ME OUT

Terry and my mom broke up "for good"

Spring break is the 21 of march but I might stay up here until that monday for a Rave. I'm actually getting into sober raving lately and its fantastic!

babble babble bitch bitch

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:00:00 GMT

So... my Dad has been in town since Saturday and has yet to call me. He went to Dallas last week and said we would get together before I left but I leave tomorrow morning and I bet he can't be bothered. Same with my grandmother. I saw her twice since I've been down but she has been upsetting me for weeks.

My mom sits in her office and her and I haven't done anything just us since her and Terry got back together. I know it's selfish but I just want to be with her. I sit in her office and try to talk to her and she asks me to leave.

Its this weird need I have for their attention, their approval.

My friends pretty much have saved me since I've been down and my latest drawing is fantastic, I'm really happy with it.

You should read Suicide Casanova, the writing is fantastic.

Procrastinate

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 19:29:16 GMT

So that writing assignment is way more difficult than anything I've written. Its about helicopter tours written in a combination of advertisement, travel book, website, and my personal style. My personal style loathes the idea of writing like a travel book and a website thus the conflict.

I cried fourteen tears over Danny this morning, I think my emotional novacaine is finally wearing off. warning, this is the calm before my sea of depression and anger, with which will spout lies about the relationship. You have been warned.

And now something to take up time!

RULES:
1. Put Your itunes, windows media player etc on SHUFFLE
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW LAME IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
- The colors of infinity by Pink Floyd

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
- Magdalena by A Perfect Cirlce (oooh, I forgot how much I like this song!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
- Edit by Regina Spektor (calling people on their bullshit?)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
- No such thing by John Mayer (well, it is all a big lie you have to rise above)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
- Sleeping Beauty by A Perfect Circle (they want to save me..?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OFTEN?
- Standing by VNV Nation (falling so hard in love)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR ENEMY?'
- Everybody Hurts by REM ( I wish I had an enemy)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
- Your best nightmare by London After Midnight (I wanna rape the number four, fantastic)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
- Fuck like a star bye Porcelin and the Tramps (haha, you make guys want you! be intimidated!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ONE YOU LOVE?
- White of the eye pt.7 by Pink Floyd (wtf? I'm hitting next)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
- Free Four by Pink Floyd (I can accept that)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW
UP?
- For You Blue by The Beatles (to be loved, I concur)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE
PERSON YOU LIKE?
- Cryptic Winterstorms by Immortal (like I'm going into battle? works for Danny, that fuck face)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
- Sheep by Pink Floyd

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL
- Murder go round by ICP (nobody should fuck with a wicked clown :) )

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
- Play with me by ICP ( umm, being a friend who gets ignored? that makes no sense)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
- Young Lust instrumental by Pink Floyd (my shuffle loves pink floyd)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
- Ti Ki Izzivas by Laibach (in german so i dont know what theyre saying, YAY!!!)

Grrr...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 03:13:17 GMT

It hasn't even been a week since Danny left and operation get over him is a complete failure.

I finished my book A Seperate Reality by Carlos Casteneda, really amazing views on life. Kinda trying to use it to help me get over it. The idea of never anticipating but always prepared.

I'm working on this sketch of a woman with her head in her hands, and my favorite picture of Danny and I. Probably not the most productive way to put him behind me.

Just got an opportunity to write for a travel website with this intensely genuine guy. I wont be paid until the site starts making money but it's nice to have the reference.

Television has completely failed me, always dull.

Been running around returning crappy christmas gifts, and seeing my dad a rediculous amount.

I've been getting the run around on 1100$ refund my school owes and as a result can't get my grandmother to pay for my housing until the refund gets there because she doesn't get ANYTHING. So frustrating to explain how the internet works when even I'm not completely sure.

New super cute hair, it's amazing and purple.

Root canal = evil

So my plan is to not talk to him even though I miss him, and just get used to not being with him. I mean lets be honest, the minute I get back to school and stay busy with classes and what not I wont think about it. hopefully.

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 08:38:14 GMT

he left this morning to go back up north and i miss him so much

fuck danny, he is such a douche bag making me feel and shit.

we arent together, he doesnt want to date at all and i really need to get over him because we want different things but i still cling to our good bye kiss and i think i may actually cry over him for the first time ever.

i miss him more here because my life hasnt existed without him for almost a year. in SF i'm used to him not ever being there but here it feels incomplete without him. sucks.

this frustration I'm feeling is so rediculous.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:56:34 GMT

I just wanted my car.

My mom told me I was worthless.

I'm going to go stay with my dad and try to go home earlier than the 22.

I can't remember the last time I've cried all day.

So odd...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 07:12:15 GMT

Being home is nice but I desperately miss San Francisco.
I love you all but this is no longer home. I have gone from a metropolitan with the ability to travel anywhere I could imagine to suburbia with no transportation. I feel like a large fish out of water in front of a television screen. I didn't bring any hobby things to do, ive been drawing and writing and reading a lot though. Good?

Being around Danny is ripping me apart. We are not together, but it feels like it. I hurt him and now he is really apprehensive. I'm sure we will continue where we left off after school, maybe in the summer. I just don't know. I don't want to move forward, and thats a terrible place to be.

Today we visited his old work, Pacific Cycling off PCH, and the couple who own it are amazing. They have been married for 20+ years and always invite us on bike rides, rowing, and other things. We had this joke that they were the married version of us and today listened to a conversation between them that we have all the time. Crazy thing? He and I began this stupid little fling almost a year ago. What is with me and these rediculous on again off again relationships that last close to a year? I don't want this one to end, what a nice change.

Proof that I'm insane?
1. Theres this picture of my grandparents at their wedding where shes fixing his tie and hes just looking at her like he loves her, the same look in one of our prom pictures where I'm pinning on his boutineer.
2. He mocks my taste in television just like Terry mocks my mom's
3. The couple at the bike shop always remind me of us.

For these reasons alone I want to hold on.

I really miss Eli but new relationships don't permit a visit. He got himself 300 miles despite a few big roadbumps just to see me and we've been only minutes away from eachother since before I came down from SF and have only seen him once for a moment. On one hand I hope he is happy with his partner and on the other I want somebody so much better for him. Somebody who is perfect, and what I've observed seems to be so flawed.

Terry is back, really back. He came into my room tonight and hugged me and said sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there on christmas and I didn't call you and I was so happy I could cry.

I just want to go home now.

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:23:26 GMT

I always feel so abandoned by the men in my life

Terry and my mom broke up and he was kinda the only father figure Ive had going for me

He hasn't sent me an email or called me or anything, and he wont be there to pick me up from the airport or be there on christmas dinner or anything.

I guess he can't really do anything, rock and a hard place. If he keeps in contact with me he'll always be reminded of my mom and thats really hard in a serious relationship but hes been a part of our family for ten and a half years.

blech bad day today

Finals

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:20:18 GMT

My English final, I wrote an on demand essay about how The Dresden Dolls promote tolerance through their music.

My Oceanography final, Belly danced to "Under the Sea"

My Communications final, gave a speech on the benefits of wearing a corset

My Recreation final, snow camping

This is why college is amazing.

Granted these weren't my actual actual finals they were just something we did after exams that counted toward our grades. I had three exams and one essay but they did call these our FINALS

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, last night I dreamed that I asked Jeff out and he said yes. In reality he asked if I wanted more than what was going on and I said no so he stopped coming over.
I also dreamed that some of the girls from school were at my house we lived in when my parents were still married and we were smoking cigarettes and looking at playboy and my aunt (about 75 years old) came in and beat up my friend.

REALLY WEIRD

Home on Wednesday. Danny may come to pick me up from the airport but I'm trying to not get my hopes up because he said maybe. I don't know why I still like him, he was so rude to me over thanksgiving and now I can't wait to see him. Females are such strange things.

Camping trip!

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:29:42 GMT

Camping was amazing.

I hiked to the top of a dormant volcano and bouldered my way down. I slept in sub zero temperatures and had a snow ball fight with my gay boyfriend. I drank and smoked with my professor who decided he wants me to narrate his life for a day. Jeff tried to get all upons but I said FUCK THAT NOISE. Then we came home and I took the most amazing shower of my life.

Budzzzz

Seems like everyday somebody is smoking me out, another person wants me to ditch class and hang out, and all they want to do is talk. I like the company I keep, just a swarm of interesting intellectuals. I'm going to class, don't worry. Probably going to make dean's list as a matter of fact :) I just feel so high all the time. I don't mean to, because I can see it affecting my ability to think clearly but its nice feeling so safe and meeting so many crazy people.

Food

I'm eating my emotions and my jeans are getting tighter. I can feel myself stress and head towards a plate of french fries. I HATE GAINING WEIGHT. Granted PMS includes bloating and cravings, both of which I want to blame, but I feel like I'm in a tailspin. This ongoing battle with my weight is enough to go insane. Not to mention my finals all happening today and tomorrow. smoking all the time probably doesn't help my problem.

Home

I miss you guys a lot. I miss dancing as much as I used to, and my sword, and my family and my bed and everything. I miss my friends so much. The people here are amazing, but you guys know me so well and can tell me how to solve my problems and know when I'm lying to myself. Pragya asked me why I was so afraid to feel compassion for other people, and I just felt like if she were shannon or christina she would get it. She would know how fucked up people were and how there is no point in caring for everybody who hurts you. Reminds me of Eli. YOURE SO INCAPABLE OF MAKING AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH OTHER PEOPLE. not at home, at home i have my two best friends who I'm emotionally connected with... jeff said thats why he didnt want to be around anymore, cause he liked me and he knew i didnt feel the same way... FUCK FEELING SAD

Back to studying...

what?!?

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 07:22:51 GMT

so out of nowhere jeff text me saying he didnt want to mess around anymore, I assumed this means he just wants to be friends. Today in class he said hi but wanted nothing to do with me, no speaking or joking or anything. I asked if we could talk after class, but decided why waste the time. If somebody doesn't want to be with me why should I discuss why? Part of me was hurt, especially since he acted really into me these past three months then just stopped, but he had a really hard time communicating with me. The end I suppose.

Its wierd, I was kinda upset yesterday but now I just don't mind. I hope he gets over his ex and he's less depressed all the time and thats all I can really do.

I rocked an essay, and I've been doing really well in general as far as school goes.

My friends are great, but i can't wait to go back home and see everybody.

Adam and I talked for the second time in a year. Once on accident I i/med him a link and he said he has something funnier. This time was more personal. Hes doing well, working and just bought a new car and hes making enough money to pay for his dog chief's ear surgery that he has needed since before I met those two hound dogs.

I really have just been making peace with myself a lot lately, and it feels great.

CAMPING TRIP THIS WEEKEND!!! I'm so excited but on the other hand nervous about being around Jeff an entire weekend. I'm sure it will be fine. I also think I'm gonna die on the hikes. one is for FOUR HOURS. I like two or three hour hikes but thats about as outdoorsy as I get. My gay boyfriend and I are cuddling up so it should be fun. :)

Why do I destroy things for myself?

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 21:23:49 GMT

I'm so dumb...

Jeff told me he wanted to see me more, that he misses me.

I yelled for a good hour.

I told him I wanted my own life, that I didn't want to spend every waking moment with him. That we were nothing but affection and he can't say things like that because thats not what our relationship is.

He just said whatever I want, that it was on my terms.

I yelled some more.

He apologized, I apologized for yelling and said we should talk later.

There goes that one. The affectionate, chivalrous, polite, loving, intelligent, vonnegut reading, driven boy who tells me I'm perfect.

So why the fear? Why did it terrify me? I wish I could just be a big girl and use my words.

seven men thick? no just silly boys

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 10:27:11 GMT

how does one expect dependence from society without emotional dependence of any sort?

The hypocrisy the hypocrisy

Thinking of moments past persuade pumice to my skin, scraping the remnants of us away that must lie under the layers of flesh eating away at the being inside.

Why can't those silly boys who jump to I love yous just be genuine for once, they all recycle sentiments and promises and then I remember why my walls are six men thick, the remnants of lovers slaughtered

My slut may gain slave privledges, the poor dear doesn't understand just what a sad scared little thing I am
------------------------------------
for those of you sick of the cryptic shit :

Eli only seems happy when a girl is paying him attention and now that a new one is fucking him I mean nothing which is hilarious remembering all the utter crap he used to say in private that would make my heart skip a beat then realizing its only because I was fucking him. Dont recycle your I love yous, Jamie remembers how much it irritates me.

Aside from Eli pissing me off everythings been perfect.

Jeff may become my boyfriend but I dont know if I want to inflict myself on another person quite yet, being single for the first time in four and half years is kinda nice

The weather is amazing, rain and fog and everything!

Pastina decided I was a black cat, and I'm discovering that my clothing doesnt define who I am. I wear jeans and sweaters but they call me their little goth friend.

frustrated

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 17:55:48 GMT

Home was amazing... mostly.

My room felt like I had died. They left up all the posters and ticket stubs but the desk was empty and the closet and the bookshelf. Like they wanted to pretend I was still there. That feeling when you know something humbling has taken place. They were mourning the loss of their daughter, their sister, the invisible one. Christina spent the night and I remembered what it was like to take a glass of ice water to my room. I was glued to the television as the dorms don't get the serial killer channel (a&e) and its pretty much my favorite. They fired the chef at mexico viejo and the new one was terrible. We walked through the mall and to target and Joannes but it didn't feel like I was home. Nothing felt the same.

Shannon grabbed me and we arrived at faire. The one place I really feel at home, in a tent in Escondido. We set up and wandered around. Erin Isabellen was there, and we caught up. I had forgotten how much I like her until this weekend, she was just a face in the hell that was highschool, but this weekend she became real. We danced and she taught me new moves, one utilizing an area of my body I was never used to isolating. I felt so missed by my family, even the boys (who I never felt particularly close with) were filled with hugs and good conversation. Skunky Poo really worries me, seems so self-destructive in each action but now he is in control of his pain. I want the best for them. Holly seemed so happy, something rare for her. Junior's pursuits have grown more and more offensive after Ive become legal. He is the first person I have encountered who wont take no for an answer. He wants me to justify the no each and every time. I wish he wouldnt hug me, and he wouldnt kiss my cheek. I feel so violated and even polite refusals are overlooked. This weekend was about me, and about calming down and enojoying time away from school. Why must males insist on bed partners? I felt raped in every glance and offer and hug and touch. *sigh*

This was supposed to be Eli and mine weekend. This fell hard. Its funny, thats the exact context I remember this female. Affectionate is a polite way of saying whore. Nothing changes over 3 years, only speaking to males of interest and already close friends. Malice out of jealousy, my specialty. Hopefully it was all worth it, completely ending something for affection. Its abuse of trust. WHy open up if your emotions are ignored. I remember your glances, and your eyes reflecting in the lantern, the vindictive glance choking the emotion out of me. I learned that lying on your back is the only way to get attention from most males, congratulations on becoming most males.

Maybe the toys I have accumulated are my only way to stay safe. Staying apathetic while still getting attention and only on my terms. Its conveniant.

Taken for granted

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 14:45:20 GMT

My sisters are amazing... I just woke up and watched them get ready for school and we caught up on everything.

She quit smoking, and only drinks once in awhile.

She has spirit and better friends

My sisters are amazing.

Mom took me out to eat and we chatted about everything going on.

Its amazing what family does in small doses. I miss them all so much.

Ice water, a bathroom right next door, controlling television, my own bed, alone time. AMAZING.

So excited about faire today :)