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[Aug. 30th, 2008|04:41 pm] |
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and i know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. |
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[Jul. 6th, 2008|11:31 am] |
"H i I divmkng love you. Duckingl love you"
-amandaman |
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[Jun. 30th, 2008|05:44 pm] |
August 11th |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|11:23 pm] |
you were wrong when you said
everything's gonna be alright
you were right when you said
all that glitters isn't gold
you were right when you said
all we are is dust in the wind
you were right when you said
we are all just bricks in the wall
and when you said manic depression's a frustrating mess
you were right when you said
you can't always get what you want
you were right when you said
it's a hard rain's gonna fall
you were right when you said
we're still running against the wind
and life goes on after the thrill of living is gone
you were right when you said
this is the end |
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| you're the perfect person, so right, so wrong... |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | chevelle - i get it | ] |
We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
Joseph Roux |
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| dropping friends like flies... |
[May. 30th, 2008|03:37 pm] |
if i don't know you, why would i want you to know me?
this journal is now friends only. i don't want anyone
to know about my life unless the information is coming from
my mouth directly. to those of you i'll never speak to again...
good riddance, have a nice life. here's something short. bye.
It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.
Stephenie Meyer |
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| you wait for darkness... |
[May. 26th, 2008|03:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nonchalant | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | built to spill - the wait | ] |
i'm not really sure what to write about lately. even now. maybe that i hate my face for it's lucidity, with one look a person can read if i'm happy, sad, angry, worried, or absent-minded. i've spent a lot of time alone lately, i'm not too sure if i like it. sometimes it's productive, sometimes it's very lonely. it's beautiful outside today. it's my 20th birthday by the way.
oh yeah.
there is so much going on around me that my birthday is the last thing i care about.
Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change. - Confucius |
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[May. 25th, 2008|04:19 pm] |
i don't like flying,
i was meant to be on my feet. |
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| i'm finding peace in every step i take... |
[May. 22nd, 2008|06:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iron & wine - on your wings | ] |
whoever left their cigarettes at my place...
i just thoroughly enjoyed one.
thank you. |
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[May. 21st, 2008|05:44 pm] |
before he left he told me he had a chance to move to seattle. i hated him for it. i felt so at home there, but i know there is just no way i can afford the cost of living in that expensive of a city. there is no way i will again work a job like a have now.
him: i REALLY would live here
me: have you been talking about it with them?
him: yeah
me: can i come visit you?
him: haha it's not for sure yet
me: i'll live there one day
him: soon?
me: no :( i have to finish school
him: :(
me: why a sad face?
him: i want you to move with me now
me: haha you don't want that
me: as much as i would like to
now...there is no way i'm going to move somewhere with a boy that isn't completely in love with me.
that's probably the last i'll hear from him today, unfortunately. i probably hurt his feelings by subtly turning him down. i wish things were different. i wish too much. there's so much potential and he doesn't put the effort into it, he just strings me along. and strings her along almost ignoring how much fun we could have together. i'm not the one with the problem and she isn't better than me in any way. it's him. i just fell for the wrong guy and i won't let it happen again.
my chest is too heavy to breathe into when he stops talking to me. my heart had a much faster start than my head. i miss the him only i know.
( 1: just a picture )
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[May. 16th, 2008|05:41 pm] |
i melted, i unglued, i yearned for touch when i saw you.
but i didn't even get a look in the eye.
just a "hey" as if i was anyone else walking by you.
and you never gave me a chance to say goodbye. |
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[May. 15th, 2008|12:58 pm] |
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i deleted my myspace. i don't know how i feel right now, but it had to happen. |
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[May. 14th, 2008|10:53 pm] |
it wasn't until now that i considered depression a disability. but there is not a single thing that can make me happy. even seeing erik is anti-climatic and depressing in itself, because all i can think about is how i'm not good enough for him. he's seeing his ex again. glad i could be just good enough for another month until he started to like her again. fuck him. i'm so fucking sad as it is that finding that out doesn't even affect me right now. and the worst part of it is...he's the only one that's really been there for me in the past couple days. the one that fucks me over so much is the only one that asks me if i'm okay. that's a lie, i know steph has called and sent me texts. i don't know why i'm typing this. i feel like my life here is slowly ending. i wish it would burn out, not fade away.
and another thing i don't understand is how so many people can say oh amanda i don't want to lose you when the truth is I'M LOSING THEM in the end. |
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[May. 13th, 2008|12:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | coldplay | ] |
i've never felt so alone and actually just wanted to be alone.
i don't like it.
EDIT: actually, i do. it's a form of depression that i haven't felt before. it's too the point where i'm not even sure if i should call this depression. i'll explain after dinner with leah. :)
no, it's depression. an empty feeling, but i always felt suicidal when i was depressed and right now, dying is the last thing on my mind. i don't know...i want to cut ties and it's hurting me obviously. i just want to move on in life. not just from erik, he's part of the reason, but we will talk. he will eventually fade away. it's just my entire life here...it's a dead end now. i need to turn back around and look at what my true values are in life. family. health. future. school. morality. these feelings are for a better purpose. i just hope it all works out. i'll make sure it does. |
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[May. 12th, 2008|12:54 am] |
it's the potential that makes a person attractive.
it's the action that makes me fall in love.
i don't even know what to say about life anymore.
it's just an endless hallway of doors. |
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[May. 11th, 2008|10:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hot | ] |
i'm glad i'm sick.
the physical pain and weakness
is something i can handle
and focus on...instead of how
destroyed i feel on the inside. |
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[May. 11th, 2008|01:33 pm] |
i don't know where to go anymore.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know who my friends are anymore.
i just want to leave.
i'll pay whatever i need to to get out of here.
goodbye. |
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[May. 9th, 2008|12:20 am] |
every day i ask god why i met him. what the point was in knowing him, because i would like to think that everything happens for a reason and i just can't find one in erik. i think i could have gone without feeling this immense amount of pain, i could have gone without finding and losing a best friend in one month, i could have gone without being treated like a piece of shit again. i really hate feeling so hurt, worthless, and let down. i was never so up and high with him as much as he's put me down.
i wish i never met him. there was no point and i lost all my happiness. twice. |
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[May. 4th, 2008|10:14 pm] |
i want to feel guilty.
but situations lead to other situations. |
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[May. 4th, 2008|04:01 am] |
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tonight i rediscovered the meaning of freedom. |
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