So be it I finally watched the oh-so anticipated movie of all ages. While I found myself unable to sit calmly on my seat, I also had to admit that there were at the very least TEN things about New Moon that, despite the movie’s grandeur popularity, seemed to worth the cash.
(Oh, and I forgot to tell you that TEN also stands for Totally Erroneous Nastiness.)
Here we go.
1. The Boy who Sparkles
Alright. Edward is The Sparkly One. No big deal. He seems so natural it burns my eyes with envy. And he’s the correction for the long enduring hypothesis that diamonds are women’s best friends. It’s no longer diamonds; it’s vampires.
2. DID
You know, in psychology we’ve got the Double Identity Disorder—much more popular by its twin name Multiple Personalities Disorder. Believe it or not, we also have that in New Moon’s Bella. It’s obvious she’s also suffering from DID—Damsel-in-Distress—and it’s acutely incurable.
3. Can’t She Have a Normal Friend, Please?
Last time I checked, counted among Bella’s close acquaintances are dorks, werewolves, vampires and—let’s see—more vampires. Perhaps we could add trolls or dwarfs to the growing number, no?
4. You’ve Got Some Problems with Your IQ or What?
She hits her head on a rock and just realizes it after Jake tells her, check. She mopes in her room for months and doesn’t even bother to change her sheets or clothes, check. She’s said to be an adrenaline junkie yet hallucinates seeing her boyfriend everywhere warning her to back off from danger, check. She’s following her boyfriend into the forest only to get lost there (and I in the movie -____-) She’s Bella Swan, check. Remember when Edward says he can’t read Bella’s mind? Of course he can’t; she’s got nothing there.
5. Your Boyfriend is Byronic? Think Again
He’s inhumanly beautiful (I agree with the inhuman part, but beautiful? Hmmm...) and he sparkles, check. He memorizes the lines from Romeo and Juliet and is devastated by the time he mistakes random death information for his girlfriend’s, check. He’s so pale I almost take him as an epileptic, check. He’s an obsessive, overprotective stalker of a boyfriend who follows his girlfriend everywhere, check. His name is Cullen, Edward Cullen, check.
(Well, so far I only have one Byronic Edward that kicks ass, and his surname is Elric instead of Cullen.)
6. Got Cheese?
The powerful mantra is “I can’t live without you,” period—except that it’s repeated over and over. I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, oh shut up. Not even Rhett and Scarlet could outmatch that, really.
(Indonesians could just go watch Cinta Fitri or something. That’s equally brain-damaging, you know.)
7. The Opus Dei of Vampires
It’s like I’ve been thrown from one of Bollywood’s lengthy movie into Twilight Zone into Godfather and finally into Da Vinci Code. The Cullens got an overly nice daughter despite being an anti-aging bloodsucker, there’s this one Dakota Fanning Volturi vampire who can use the Cruciatus spell without incantation and there’s a redhead vamplady who appears and disappear for basically no particular reason in regards of the plot. Why can’t we just do it the Sicilian way, people? I mean, kill, kill and kill? Lestat, help!
(Wait. Did I mention Cruciatus spell? My bad. I forgot we’re not in a wizardry world, pun intended.)
8. The Things He Does for Love
They range from playing an attentive boyfriend, smooching, leaving his girlfriend in order to spare her the pain of premarital sex and finally saving the day to emitting pheromone freely, turning into ghostly apparition, playing a heart-broken Romeo and taking an easy, cowardly way out without even confirming (for sense’s sake, his sister is there!) whether his girlfriend is indeed dead. Play Meatloaf’s I’d Do Anything for Love on cue, please.
9. At Least We Saw Some Skin!
The pack of werewolves is on parade for animal protection and no animal skinning. I believe they’ll get along well with PETA. As for me—well—topless men, wandering around in a forest, led by an alpha male—weeell... that sounds too Brokeback for me.
10. Gimme Back My DCFC!
Worth my cash? I take it back. This last and only reason I went to see this movie annuls all those I’ve mentioned before. Where’s my band, man?
So, friends and friengers alike, I’ll be waiting for you and your comments on the equinox!
(Oh, and I forgot to tell you that TEN also stands for Totally Erroneous Nastiness.)
Here we go.
1. The Boy who Sparkles
Alright. Edward is The Sparkly One. No big deal. He seems so natural it burns my eyes with envy. And he’s the correction for the long enduring hypothesis that diamonds are women’s best friends. It’s no longer diamonds; it’s vampires.
2. DID
You know, in psychology we’ve got the Double Identity Disorder—much more popular by its twin name Multiple Personalities Disorder. Believe it or not, we also have that in New Moon’s Bella. It’s obvious she’s also suffering from DID—Damsel-in-Distress—and it’s acutely incurable.
3. Can’t She Have a Normal Friend, Please?
Last time I checked, counted among Bella’s close acquaintances are dorks, werewolves, vampires and—let’s see—more vampires. Perhaps we could add trolls or dwarfs to the growing number, no?
4. You’ve Got Some Problems with Your IQ or What?
She hits her head on a rock and just realizes it after Jake tells her, check. She mopes in her room for months and doesn’t even bother to change her sheets or clothes, check. She’s said to be an adrenaline junkie yet hallucinates seeing her boyfriend everywhere warning her to back off from danger, check. She’s following her boyfriend into the forest only to get lost there (and I in the movie -____-) She’s Bella Swan, check. Remember when Edward says he can’t read Bella’s mind? Of course he can’t; she’s got nothing there.
5. Your Boyfriend is Byronic? Think Again
He’s inhumanly beautiful (I agree with the inhuman part, but beautiful? Hmmm...) and he sparkles, check. He memorizes the lines from Romeo and Juliet and is devastated by the time he mistakes random death information for his girlfriend’s, check. He’s so pale I almost take him as an epileptic, check. He’s an obsessive, overprotective stalker of a boyfriend who follows his girlfriend everywhere, check. His name is Cullen, Edward Cullen, check.
(Well, so far I only have one Byronic Edward that kicks ass, and his surname is Elric instead of Cullen.)
6. Got Cheese?
The powerful mantra is “I can’t live without you,” period—except that it’s repeated over and over. I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, I can’t live without you, oh shut up. Not even Rhett and Scarlet could outmatch that, really.
(Indonesians could just go watch Cinta Fitri or something. That’s equally brain-damaging, you know.)
7. The Opus Dei of Vampires
It’s like I’ve been thrown from one of Bollywood’s lengthy movie into Twilight Zone into Godfather and finally into Da Vinci Code. The Cullens got an overly nice daughter despite being an anti-aging bloodsucker, there’s this one Dakota Fanning Volturi vampire who can use the Cruciatus spell without incantation and there’s a redhead vamplady who appears and disappear for basically no particular reason in regards of the plot. Why can’t we just do it the Sicilian way, people? I mean, kill, kill and kill? Lestat, help!
(Wait. Did I mention Cruciatus spell? My bad. I forgot we’re not in a wizardry world, pun intended.)
8. The Things He Does for Love
They range from playing an attentive boyfriend, smooching, leaving his girlfriend in order to spare her the pain of premarital sex and finally saving the day to emitting pheromone freely, turning into ghostly apparition, playing a heart-broken Romeo and taking an easy, cowardly way out without even confirming (for sense’s sake, his sister is there!) whether his girlfriend is indeed dead. Play Meatloaf’s I’d Do Anything for Love on cue, please.
9. At Least We Saw Some Skin!
The pack of werewolves is on parade for animal protection and no animal skinning. I believe they’ll get along well with PETA. As for me—well—topless men, wandering around in a forest, led by an alpha male—weeell... that sounds too Brokeback for me.
10. Gimme Back My DCFC!
Worth my cash? I take it back. This last and only reason I went to see this movie annuls all those I’ve mentioned before. Where’s my band, man?
So, friends and friengers alike, I’ll be waiting for you and your comments on the equinox!
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