Holly

HAHA

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 15:59:11 GMT

P.S. PLEASE DON'T LET THAT LITTLE GIRL WIN 'BRITAINS GOT TALENT'. Actually, please don't let either little girl win. The Mary Poppins one obviously comes from a wealthy family, and the other one is only getting votes because she is little and sweet. I'm going to be so disappointed if she wins (this programme has been my life for the past week, remember). The man that sings opera is so talented, and he works in the bloody carphone warehouse and deserves a break. Just let someone who REALLY needs it and will really appreciate it win, not sickeningly sweet children already have lovely, comfortable lives.

Ahem, yeah, as I said, so glad to be working again tomorrow...

Sun, 20 May 2007 15:04:46 GMT

Yesterday, in between watching Ab Fab and eating pasta, we found the time to go to the pub in Bath and hang out with these guys:

You might not recognise them; I didn't, and still don't. But I am told they are The Checks, and have recently supported REM and Oasis on tour. Not knowing this, we threw salt at them and mocked them for looking "so much like a band" with their pointy shoes and deliciously fashionable attire (if I had known, of course, would have approached them with camera and took a trillion photos of their semi-famous faces!).

God?

Sun, 06 May 2007 10:19:28 GMT

Last night I stayed up watching Richard Dawkins videos; they are almost inexpressibly inspiring. I don’t believe in God; I haven’t since I was ten years old and a pupil at a stringently Christian primary school. It was a pleasant school, and a very good one too, but I simply couldn’t believe. I tried, for a while. I prayed a little and involved myself in the ceremonies; I have a vivid and rather embarrassing memory of walking down the Church aisle carrying an enormous melon that my mum had convinced me to give to the Harvest Festival - I had forgotten to put it in the box earlier and was thoroughly confused as to what to do with such a cumbersome, giant fruit. Christianity, back then, was something that I viewed as very twee and endearing, but also something that I couldn’t quite involve myself in because I was aware that I was being false and fake. Above all, I was extremely aware of how astounding it was that the world existed – this is why I love to listen to Dawkins. He talks about the great reverence he has for the world, which is something I share, and something that I too have always felt is actually detracted from by religion. When you’re an atheist people tend to assume that you view the world as a thoroughly bad place; that you don’t believe in God because you can’t understand why he would allow evil, or that you’re simply an empty husk of a person who cares little either way. This is so far from the truth; at least in many cases, and Dawkins expresses this so brilliantly. It’s more, perhaps, lack of a need for religion. Science, evidently, goes a very long way in explaining the creation of the world, and I have never wanted to simply ‘fall back’ on religion for personal reasons.

The Bishop in this video reminds me of the vicar that lives in B’s village; humble, willing to engage in debate and the sort of fellow that I would have associated Christianity with when I was younger. I love the part when the car purposely beeps at them and he has a little twinkle in his eye before declaring “original sin!”.

Sat, 05 May 2007 16:18:45 GMT

at the moment all i do is eat biscuits and write essays; today i am learning about russian formalism. university is a bittersweet experience because i am getting firsts and my tutors are very complimentary and, i am really engaging in the work, but it also steals my friends from me.

i've just booked tickets to a festival on the moors in summer, plus i think we are going to greece (although i had wanted to go to russia, but have been told it is not really a very practical plan).

Wed, 02 May 2007 14:09:42 GMT

my stomach is getting some lovin' today. it might not love the cranberry and vodka that i am going to get sloshed on tomorrow, but i hope it's appreciating the pricey biopot yoghurts, foul-tasting mint tea and oranges that i am so lovingly feeding it.

wise old owl!

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 12:13:13 GMT

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back; a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country."

Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, volume 4, 1944-1947

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Anais Nin

women i love lately: anais nin and elizabeth bowen.

i am back at home and about to munch on feta cheese salad; it is lovely to be in a place with warm rooms and delicious food.

i never get to sleep

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 15:48:52 GMT

have just returned from looking around potential gaff for next year. one could hardly call it stylish but it does have charming purple sofa and yellow kitchen. apparently the whole house shakes when buses go past, but little details like that do not concern us.

i am poor at the moment but life loves me in other ways, well, canadian literature loves me: i passed with a first. to be honest though, am thoroughly bored of books and essays. my poor mind wants a break; wish i was more the studying kind, it seems i am hundreds of times more inspired by people than i am by words and sentences.

what else? i saw regina spektor. i remember cider and a big pale yellow room, a lovely face and a lovely voice.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 19:46:15 GMT

friday evening, why are you involving horrid, complicated books and not any cider or wine or chit chat?

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 20:11:01 GMT

i think i am craving spring far too much. i have already started buying shorts and blouses and little elfish shoes. sometimes time at university goes too quickly, and other times it really drags. i'm already nearly on week 3 of the new term, but easter feels like ages away. there is far more work this semester; i enjoy it. it keeps me busy and my mind buzzing but sometimes i stop and think - what am i doing?! it's odd when you suddenly realise that you have spent four hours pouring over one little page of a book, analysing it; taking it apart and putting it back together again and then suddenly you read the newspaper or hear children playing outside and remember that there is a world outside of books. it's also funny when you live in a city where it feels like nearly everyone is richer than you, and you're walking home in the rain past expensive cheese shops and coffee houses and wondering if you will ever be able to afford to buy milk or bread. it leaves you feeling like part of a quaint little underworld of society, where everything is a little upside down and insular and far too easy.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 20:36:15 GMT

biggest regret of the day: not buying the cinnamon and cherry tea.

i am undertaking what feels like a six million word study in literary theory, and as a result rarely get to leave the house, except to attend lectures and buy chocolate.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 15:06:35 GMT

- bonobo - 'days to come'
- wearing my new wool sixties-style jacket
- fingerless gloves
- sunshine
- honey ale
- organic blackcurrant squash
- new blonde/brown hair that i love
- death of the author
- the royal crescent late at night, starry sky, kissing under a lampost and feeling cheesy but happy
- going to see regina spektor in brighton
- presentation wasn't entirely awful
- buying new books for my ethnic-american literature course
- being given my own class to teach for two weeks during work experience
- the new justin timberlake album (is awful)
- cold, cold nights
- cups of tea with barney's dad and sarah
- fried breakfasts
- cuddling
- feeling older and wiser.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 11:07:50 GMT

myspaceee

add me, if you have it?

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 13:12:08 GMT

am being lazy and unproductive in large amounts lately. i have two books to finish reading (neither are very interesting) and a lot of other work to do. however i have spent my time, since barnaby left my bed this morning, thinking about making cornflakes with yoghurt, listening to the smiths and buying a jumper (the best ever blue wool jumper, so warm, and completes my increasingly geeky autumn look - satchel, brown lace-up shoes, sensible jumper, yess). barnaby visited me this weekend and we went on an expedition to the countryside with his aunt. we went to a charming little village called 'mells' where we visited the grave of Siegfried Sassoon, went mushroom picking, drank local ale and sat in a converted barn reading the newspaper while it poured with rain outside, and we were wrapped up warm in scarves and gloves.

we have been scamming the train system and visiting each other, some weekends, for only £9 (it is usually £26). hopefully we'll be able to continue this crafyness. with that, i shall be off; more defoe to read and pool to play.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 11:46:55 GMT

today is the first rainy day of october, and i am celebrating this fact by drinking a large mug of tea and lamenting the end of summer. barnaby has phoned me four times today to tell me, in the most grumbly of voices, that all it ever does in coventry is rain; that his bed is uncomfortable; that i am not there to make him tea; that living in the midlands like living in purgatory. i am not feeling the impact of being a student as heavily as him - possibly because in my spare time i work on ruth & jack's allotment and gather vegetables to cook for dinner, and this is maybe not in the fashion of the usual student lifestyle. hm.

last night i went for dinner with my charming aforementioned friends, ruth & jack, they cooked traditional indian food and then we ran back here in the rain. it is so lovely to be living close to them, it almost feels as if we are back home!

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 12:20:35 GMT

i love these autumn-like days. we went to the woods for a picnic and everything smelt fresh and looked alive; wonky little scarlet mushrooms were growing out of the hillside and crisp, curled amber leaves were falling onto our heads as we ate our brie & tomatoes. we cycled down a hill, little raindrops falling onto our faces, and back home for big mugs of lady grey. i am working long shifts to try and earn enough money to pay my way in Berlin, and apart from that, everything is chugging along nicely. my limbs feel heavy and this screen is a little blurry.. i think i need a nap.

Wed, 31 May 2006 17:39:26 GMT

I have drank a lot of cider, there is a 60's party in town later. Donna snapped a camera in my face, whilst I was in 60's mode. Jazz is playing, people are lying in the sun.

not sure why I like this, but I do

Sun, 21 May 2006 13:19:50 GMT

The Blackbirds are Rough Today - Charles Bukowski

lonely as a dry and used orchard
spread over the earth
for use and surrender.

shot down like an ex-pug selling
dailies on the corner.

taken by tears like
an aging chorus girl
who has gotten her last check.

a hanky is in order your lord your
worship.

the blackbirds are rough today
like
ingrown toenails
in an overnight
jail---
wine wine whine,
the blackbirds run around and
fly around
harping about
Spanish melodies and bones.

and everywhere is
nowhere---
the dream is as bad as
flapjacks and flat tires:

why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of
dust
like a bad boy just out of
school---
you tell
me,
you who were a hero in some
revolution
you who teach children
you who drink with calmness
you who own large homes
and walk in gardens
you who have killed a man and own a
beautiful wife
you tell me
why I am on fire like old dry
garbage.

we might surely have some interesting
correspondence.
it will keep the mailman busy.
and the butterflies and ants and bridges and
cemeteries
the rocket-makers and dogs and garage mechanics
will still go on a
while
until we run out of stamps
and/or
ideas.

don't be ashamed of
anything; I guess God meant it all
like
locks on
doors

ill!

Thu, 18 May 2006 12:14:45 GMT

I have been wrapped in a crochet blanket, wearing a stripey woolen hat, eating only bananas, curled up in bed for days.

safe from harm

Sat, 06 May 2006 06:49:22 GMT

Half 7 on a madly sunny day in warwick. Am delirious and listening to massive attack - AMAZING album - I don't care that I have been up all night sweating and aching, this music is absolutely stunning and all I can focus on. B is asleep behind me so I am having to type excrutiatingly slowly so as not to wake him. I woke him at half 6 and i think he is grouchy, haha. I've been up for hours. he looks so sweet and peaceful. I'm just waiting for the time to pass, so that it's a reasonable hour and we can go to Coventry & get chai latte...

beginnings of summer

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 17:20:44 GMT

the prism hanging from the window is making minature rainbows all over my walls. ellie is dancing to some techno music in the corridor. my hair is a brighter blonde, and to my surprise it looks quite good. two essays finished and one to go. £6 worth of techni-coloured fabric and netting to wear tonight. B sent me 'pink moon' and an Orwell book in the post, along with a lovely little letter. the weather is amazing lately and everyone is always out on the grass, wearing t-shirts, shorts and brightly coloured bangles, kicking balls and throwing frisbees.

only waiting for this moment to be free

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:45:23 GMT

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

This is the favourite beatle's song of everyone that I know. I have been listening to it a lot today. It's funny, I associate it with so many different memories. It seems that the beatles have always been playing in the background whenever something heavy or strange or pleasant has happened! I remember hiding in the sidelines of the stage and listening to it drift past curtains and props; I stood with a stomach full of red wine and warm, glowing crimson cheeks. In that haze of smoke, fabric and abrasive yellow light the soft guitar and words sounded painfully lovely.

The last time was crisp, pale lilac sheets and soft ashen sunlight creeping underneath his bedroom curtains. it played from his ipod as he lay in the crook of my arm and I directed my smiles towards the ceiling. Inbetween those two times it was mostly I am the walrus that played on repeat. All I can remember is sinking into jack's coffee-coloured sofa, drinking vodka & orange, the room so full of smoke that breathing became a chore. All of us so full of vigour, lust and alcohol that we wouldn't sleep until the morning.

It is funny how when you look back you can never remember being tired.

EASTER!

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 17:21:33 GMT

Easter holiday is lovely so far. Tuesday: ruth visited B & I in gittisham. Later, we sat on the beach eating chips & mushy peas, watching the sun set and looking after a little blonde-haired romanian boy. We drank white wine, listened to jazz and fell asleep quite early. Wednesday: met with old school friends, drank organic cider, munched olives & chatted about the past and future. Thursday: was an enchantingly sunny day. I read a room with a view in the garden and then cycled to B's. I arrived to a pot of earl grey, feta salad & orange juice; after devouring most of the food we walked and walked until the sun set - past chirpy primroses and the petrified tree, grown twisted and misshaped in a desperate attempt to reach light. Fluffy grey smoke pouring from chimneys and turning into air, bumble bees buzzing and humming in the hedges of the gamekeeper's cottage. Wandering off track to look for badger sets and stopping at the very top of the hill to step on the bottom of the gate and gaze over the whole of the village. A short cut back through the fields and home to tea and roasted vegetables, herbs freshly picked from the garden. Today I have driven my dad to newton abbot and back, taking a slight accidental detour through ashcoombe. I have just arrived home; hungry, tired & content. Tomorrow we are catching the train to totnes to eat and drink coffee at some crazy little cafes, buy books and walk on dartmoor. It was supposed to be a surprise but B cannot keep secrets!

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 19:36:12 GMT

very busy. halfway through an essay. yesterday it poured with rain and we sat underneath a tree in the woods eating homemade vegetarian sushi and a pineapple. played pool and then had lentils & pasta for dinner.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 11:36:33 GMT

Trapped inside due to impulsive and vicious outbursts of rain. Cold damp air rushes in through the fireplace and the gaps in the windows. Bizarre dreams of water rising higher and higher. I ran outside to check for post, clothes billowing in the brutal wind and hair fluttering as if trying to take flight; there was none. Inside with orange juice and nausea (“I exist, it’s sweet, so sweet, so slow. And light: you'd think it floated all by itself. It stirs. It brushes by me, melts and vanishes. Gently, gently.”) and sluggish indie songs playing on the television. Leisurely preparing for a productive day of packing and reading.

I thought last night, when memories of all shape and form were weaving their way into my dreams, that I should write some of them down. My favourite was of an inebriated Gordon shouting Sylvia Plath’s ‘You’re’ at me across the dinner table and asking me what I thought it meant (by some absolute fluke I had picked up ‘Ariel’ that morning and read ‘Daddy’ and ‘you’re’ so I could speak as if I knew vaguely what I was talking about). There were others but my memory does not serve me well and I have a nagging stomach ache. I should probably get on with reading Ben Jonson, critics have described reading him as "wading through glue": I think this is a terrible understatement.

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 21:47:38 GMT

{home, sky on fire, cocooned in blankets, cooking risotto, wearing 60's sunglasses and listening to fiona apple. going to see regina spektor soon. charity shopping for books tomorrow. had a lovely weekend with barnaby. must read some Dickens and catch up on my sleep.}