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mood

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hungry

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I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.  I don't ever want to go to work.  I just want to lay in bed covered in a million blankets and sleep.  I love sleeping, it's my favorite thing in the world to do, and it seems like I never get to do it.  I went shopping on Monday, I spent almost 250 dollars.  2 new charms and clothes.  I love shopping, but I need to stop or at least take a break because I need to save my money.

I saw my mom hiding mail in the filing cabinet last week, so when I was home alone I decided to snoop.  I know it was wrong of me, but I just wanted to see what she was hiding.  Of course it was credit card bills.  One of them was for 13,000 dollars, and another one was 16,000.  My dad has no idea about those ones.  I don't understand why she spends so much fucking money, and she has nothing to show for it.  She's in debt, hardcore debt.  It makes me scared about living with her when they get a divorce.  I don't want to be the one paying all the bills while she jacks up a ton of bills on stupid shit.  I wont put up with that.  It's really imature of her, and I would be really pissed off at her if she did that to me. 

I purged alot today.  But I did keep 1/4 cup granola and a 6 oz container of yogurt. 

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mood

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awake

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I have a huge zit on my chin, and it hurts so bad!!  I never get zits on my chin, I get them everywhere else on my face though lol.  Today I have been exhausted, I have no energy at all.  I sort of felt high earlier, I have no idea why.  But the radio sounded really loud and my face was numb, and I just felt...high.  I don't know any other way to explain it. My heart has been racing off and on today.  Like I'll be sitting or laying down and then all the sudden it will start beating really fast.  So its not like its from running or anything.  I wonder if that's bad?  It feels like its pounding out of my chest.  I really don't care though.  I had my appointment with Nancy this morning and I was pretty much zoned out the entire time.  It was like awkward silence almost the entire time.  It's not that I didn't want to talk to her...it was that I didn't know what to say, about anything!  My mind was just blank.  I thought she was staring at me and that made me paranoid.  I just started taking my meds again, so maybe thats why im feeling so...strange.  I lost 1 lb since the fourth.  Woopdee fucking doo.  But of course that's what happens when you have days were you eat like your stomach is a bottomless pit.   I started exercising again.  I stopped for about 2-3 weeks, I just felt like I had no energy or motivation to do it.  But I'm back on track when it comes to that.  I never really had a goal weight before.  I was always scared to make one, because I hate changing my goals.  But now I do have a goal weight.  And it's 93 lbs.  That seems perfect, it gives me enough 'space' to have water fluctuations and still be under 100 lbs.  I have a long way to go, or at least it seems that way.  But I'll get there, no matter what it takes.

today's food

• 2 caramel rice cakes--100
• 1/2 mango popsickle--35
• 1 thai noodle soup--160
• 2 packets fruit snacks (5 servings, oink oink)--450
• 2 slices cheddar cheese--160
• 2 slices light bread--90
• Total---995

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mood

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full

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ate alot as usual

• 1 6 oz container french vanilla ff yogurt--100
• 1 serving honey wheat braided pretzel twists--110
• 1 serving hard sourdough pretzel nuggets--110
• 1 packet twizler cherry nibs--220
• 1 subway tortilla--130 (purged)
• 2 triangles american cheese--50 (purged)
• 1 packet wild berry skittles--240
• 2 slices light toast--90
• 1 oz medium cheddar cheese--80
• 1 grande light mocha frapachino--180
• 1 vanilla almond biscotti--140
• Total--1450 thats including the purged stuff as well.  I think some of my frapachino came up as well.  which is a good thing because im fucking fat and hate myself.

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mood

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irritated

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I don't want to go to work UGH.  Anyways here's today:

• 1 white cheddar rice cake--45
• 2 slices light toast--90
• 1/2 slice full fat american cheese--35
• 1 boca spicy chicken patty--150
• Total---320

Off to finish getting dressed

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mood

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full

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God damn it.  I ate so fucking much today I seriously want to cut myself. This is everything I had today.  Not only did I eat a TON it was all fucking junk food.  I despise myself.

• 1 king size hershey bar w/ almonds--410
• 1 box super hot tamalies--220
• 1 m&m candy bar--230
• 1 package sugar babies--190
• 2 slices light bread--90
• 2 eggs--140
• 1 large zucchini--60
• 1 tsp margarine--20
• TOTAL--1360......shoot me now

My med's dr called me back today.  I hate the way he talks to me, its like he thinks I'm stupid or something.  He didn't say much...in fact he didn't really answer my questions.  I think he was pissed that I haven't talked to him since March, lol.  I don't care, I just want my adderall. 

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mood

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frustrated

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I decided that I'm not going to eat today.  I need to lose weight, and I need to lose it fast.  I can't believe I have let myself gain so much weight bleh.  It really makes me want to take a  knife to my throat.  I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and my throat hurts like hell.  I wonder if I have strep throat.  I honestly wouldn't mind, as sick as that sounds. The receptionist from Carolee's office called a few hours ago to tell me that Carolee is sick so I don't have an appointment today.  Well duh!!! I cancelled my appointment yesterday.  I hope she calls me tomorrow to tell me if I have an appointment next week.  I have to at least be back to my normal weight by then.  I HAVE TO. 

School starts August 30th.  Thats only a couple weeks away.  I have mixed feelings about going back.  I am a little excited, I'm excited to learn, seeing other people, etc.  I'm definitely excited about a couple of my classes.  Psychology 2, and Literature.  The other classes can go fuck themselves. I am however, a little scared as well.  I'm scared that work + school will overwhelm me and I will end up failing or withdrawling.  I know I can do good in school, last semester I earned 2 A's, and 2 B's.  I'm just really scared of not doing well.  It terrifies me.  I would rather fail b/c of lack of effort than fail from actually trying and just being stupid.  So a lot of times I don't even try.  Stupid I know.  I printed out a sheet of all the classes I need to earn my assossiates of science degree.  I could have it in one year if my mom wouldn't leave.  I really really   do not want to leave the state.  And it seems as if she doesn't care what I want.  I wish she could at least wait until I get my degree, because no school out of state will accept just the credits.  I don't want to leave for many reasons and she won't listen to any of them.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  Well I know I will still be here until December because all my classes are paid for and that would be a huge waste of money.  I really don't want to think about leaving anymore so im going to log on to tf.

[

mood

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pissed off

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I'm a pig, I hate myself

• 1 1/3 cup oriental snack mix--440
• 2 slices light bread--90
• 2 caramel rice cakes--100
• 2 white cheddar rice cakes--90
• 1 can green beans--70
• 1 chunk watermelon--50?
• Total--840

I'm in a bitchy mood. I think I'm starting to get sick, my throat is sore and I have been coughing quite a bit.  I cancelled my appointment with Nancy yesterday afternoon, and this morning I cancelled my appointment with Carolee for tomorrow.  I'm pretty sure I could have sucked it up and went, I'm not like soooo sick that I cannot make it.  But I feel huge.  I do not want to be weighed.  I do not want to talk about how fat I feel.  I just want to be left alone for a week or two to lose the weight that I have gained the past two weeks.  But yeah....um my throat does hurt.  I have a freaking head ache right now.  Im going to try to sleep.  It's not like im not getting enough sleep lately ::rolls eyes::